Gandalf sat up and rubbed his temples. Wow. What a killer headache! Surely what you�d get when you go and battle some balrog. Darn nab it! He heaved a huge sigh and looked down. Oh. How charming. He looked around again. Darn nab it, no handy-dandy clothing lines! How was he going to go down the mountain now? His little staff wasn�t going to cover as much as the stupid bush the elf was always toting around . . . ah, why not, the toga? The wizard had to sneeze violently. He felt some eyes on him.
There, a little bit away was a wrinkly gray thing that was staring so hard, its eyes nearly fell out of its head. Gandalf quickly took all the snow about him, and covered himself as though he were burying himself in the sand. Only this was snow. And it was COLD. Still, being cold was better than being STARED at by some wrinkly gray thing!
Licking his lips, Gollum sniffed the air. The old guy smelt funny. As though . . . gold . . . Precious! Gollum licked his hands in anticipation. His precious . . . . to recover that . . .
"GET LOST!" Gandalf swung his staff at the wrinkly gray thing, "LOST! EVIL FIEND! FLAME OF UDUN!" The wizard hiccuped, and finally, the thing scurried. Gandalf colored. He sighed, "Gosh, over seven thousand years old and still getting stared at!" He looked down and grinned, "Those abs . . . Nothing like a good spell to make them nice and washboard-y!"
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"You are all such WEENIES!" Legolas screamed at the top of his lungs, "Why do I have to even ASSOCIATE with you?!" The elf was standing before the Golden Wood of Lorien and was carrying some large bulging shopping bags (Labeled with �REE�) dropped off by a large eagle Aragorn thought was �Crebain from Dunland� again. There was no answer. The elf crashed in through the bushes, holding his shopping bags high as so that they would not get caught by anything hanging off trees.
"IS ANYONE THERE?" He hollered again, but there was no answer. He put down his shopping bags and sniffed the air. He could smell elf. Now, for sure, Legolas Greenleaf was NOT going to get caught DEAD in some blood-stained toga by a fellow elf! Making sure that there was no one around, he hopped into a bush and pulled a bag in after him. Finally! Fresh clothes! If only there was a stream nearby . . . The sound of running water soon answered his prayers.
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"OOH." Pippin moaned, "I feel sick!" The hobbit clutched his stomach and was trying very hard not to wet his pants with Haldir staring angrily down at him. "Ooh . . ."
"Pippin needs to go." Frodo noted helpfully, and tugged on Haldir�s cloak, "Now." The elf looked away. "If you don�t, he�ll explode!"
"EXPLODE?" Haldir stared down, eyes wide in horror. "Why didn�t you say so?" Kicking Frodo angrily, the elf grabbed Pippin and hoisted him into the air. As though a football quarterback, the elf stuck the hobbit under an arm and took off running through the woods.
"What�s gotten in to him?" Lindir called after his brother, "Hey!" But Haldir had already sprinted too far away.
"I know a stream . . ." Haldir was muttering to himself and none-too-soon found himself staring at the splashing waters of a very pretty little river running through the forest. He breathed a sigh of relief and was about to toss the hobbit into the water when he felt something funny. Something he had never felt before. Warm. His eyes bulged. Very warm.
"Ahh," Pippin sighed, a very content smile on his face, "Running water. Just the sound to make a hobbit . . ."
"LEAK?!" Haldir screeched and pulled the hobbit from him, but it was too late! The fair face of the elven captain screwed up in anguish as his very expensive and exclusive REE forest cloak was now slightly moist and warm.
With his nose beet red from anger, Haldir quickly fitted arrow to bow faster than Pippin�s eyes could follow. "That crime is punishable of death!" He growled, "Mark my words, halfling! NEVER EVER RELIEVE YOURSELF ON AN ELVEN CAPTAIN�S CLOAK!"
"Ooh . . ." Pippin�s eyes bulged as well, "Oh no!" The hobbit slammed his hands over his eyes just as fair sunlight glinted into them off an arrowhead. A flying arrowhead.
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Gollum heard the running stream. He groaned. Not again! Not the screaming thing and the brush! He peeked over the top of the bushes to make sure the coast was clear. He could smell his Precious. So close! Yet so far! But where? The soft singing in an elven tongue caught his ear and Gollum ran forward, quite noisily. There! Ahead was the screaming thing! And this time, it did not have a brush!
"Now, there�s the soap. And the bubbles. And the shampoo. And the conditioner. And the nose wash. And the . . . hmm. Now where is the chin scrub?" The thing had stopped its singing and was rummaging through a large bag. Gollum sniffed. Gold! From the bag? Perhaps? He crept slightly closer. The thing was still muttering, "Toe rings. I though I had ordered peaches-and-cream chin scrub! Now where is it?"
"Precious!" Gollum crept along the bushes until there was only one bush between him and the screaming thing�s bag. And Precious. With sticky gray fingers, Gollum reached through the branches and his fingers touched paper. And grabbed.
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" The screaming thing (obviously) screeched and began banging on poor Gollum�s head with a bottle of something purple, "AKKKKKK! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
With a quick grab, Gollum ripped the bag apart and found . . . gold! Not only one Precious, but five! Ooh! Jackpot! He stuck them all into his mouth and quickly ran away, but the screaming thing was not far behind, bopping Gollum on the head with the thing and screeching at the top of its lungs. "NOO!" Gollum moaned, and clambered up a tree. The screaming thing followed.
"THIS IS IT!" The thing was screaming, "THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU SPY ON ME!"
With a squeak, Gollum backed out onto a branch, and found himself cornered! Trapped! He was at the screaming thing and his bottle of purple�s mercy! How did it come to this?! He took the rings out of his mouth. Well, at least he had his Precious!
"MY TOE RINGS!" It screeched, "MY RINGS!"
Gollum gasped. The THING thought that Precious was his! No! This could never be! He looked down and surveyed the drop. A good ten feet. This was going to hurt, but it wouldn�t kill him. Gollum took a deep breath and dropped off the branch, to the screaming thing�s dismay. Now IT was in a tree and Gollum was running. But would it follow? Surely not! But just incase . . . Gollum kept on running.
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"Now what is that?" Lindir asked his charges and ran ahead with two elven archers, pointing at something quickly moving and fair in a tree, "Now what do you suppose . . ." He looked again, and the two elves at his side began to snigger. Lindir laughed, and turned to Aragorn, "You don�t suppose that�s a nude elf in a tree now do you?"
"Oh no." Adhara moaned, "Not again!"
"Again, my dear lady!" Lindir coughed, "Elves never do that! If it is an elf, it surely is a disgrace!" With a snap of his fingers, all the elven archers circled the base of the tree, and the thing was still wiggling above them in the tree, clutching something purple in a bottle. Lindir called loudly, "You have entered the Realm of the Lady of the Wood." He shrugged, "I suppose Celeborn�s Realm too. You are surrounded!" He screamed, "Hands up behind your head where we can see them! Declare yourself!"
"Oh no." The voice which called back was all-too-familiar, "Lindir? Is that you?"
"Yes it is!" Lindir answered, "Who do I have the honor of addressing?" Switching to elven, he asked, "Are you one of us?"
"Yes!" The thing squeaked, "Go away!"
"We can not do that." Lindir growled, "You are trespassing! We should have you shot on the spot!"
"Oh no!" A squeak was the answer, "This nose is FAR too PRETTY!"
An elven archer gaffed, "Greenleaf again! Curse our luck!"
"Yes!" The elf in the tree screeched, "It is I!"
"Legolas!" Aragorn called, "Where is your toga?" All the elves burst out laughing.
"Shut up!" Legolas hissed, "Aragorn, I have no idea what you�re talking about!"
"YOUR TOGA!" The man called, "That you had in the mines!"
"I had no toga!" The elf prince screeched, "Go away!"
"Then I suppose you were wearing your birthday suit." Sirius laughed, and all the elves glared at the talking dog, "What? I talk!"
"Wow." An elven archer elbowed another, "A dog that admits that it talks!"
"Of course I was wearing a suit!" Legolas called back down, "NOT MY BIRTHDAY SUIT." He took a deep breath, "Of CLOTHES, alright?!"
"What�s going on here?" With Pippin under an arm, Haldir ran onto the scene clutching two slightly damaged REE shopping bags. These he held up, "Look what I found!"
"MINE!" The elf in the tree screeched, "My own! My precious!"
"Oh no." Boromir rolled his eyes, "REE finally got into his head!"
"This is hardly yours!" Haldir had dropped Pippin (the hobbit sported an arrow through the head and was looking quite dead) and started to rummage through the bags. Finally, after the longest period of time, a triumphant smile spread across his face. "Aha!"
"Aha what?" All the elven archers lowered their bows to look, "What did you find?"
"My REE stuff!" Haldir kicked away one bag which (surprise) held only a large bottle of peaches-and-cream elven chin-scrub. The other bag, however, he checked the label and read aloud, "Express Delivery. To Lorien. Realm of the Lady. Captain of the Elves. Haldir." In case anyone did not get it, the elf grinned, "That�s me."
"NOOOO!" Legolas screamed and hucked the bottle out of the tree, "Mine!" The bottle of purple stuff bounced off Haldir�s nose and into the trees. The elven captain�s face purpled. "Serves you RIGHT!"
"Shoot that THING!" Haldir jabbed a finger in Legolas�s direction, "Whatever it is!"
"That is a nude elf." An elven archer laughed as he fitted arrow to bow, "Mirkwood, by the sounds of it." He laughed again, "Loud. Annoying. Stinking of lavenders."
"A nude elf?" Haldir rolled his eyes, "What is Middle Earth coming to?"
"I was chasing this gray wrinkly thing!" Legolas tried to explain, "It was SPYING on me."
"Oh give it up!" Boromir waved a casual hand, "No one believes in spying on YOU."
"That�s our elf!" Aragorn protested, "You can�t just SHOOT him!"
"Hmm." Haldir seemed to reconsider, but snapped his fingers and announced, "We�ll just impale him with arrows!"
"You killed our HOBBIT." Aragorn motioned to Pippin, "Now you want our ELF?"
"He�s not dead." With a fair elven booted toe, Haldir nudged Pippin who moaned, "Yet."
"Ooh . . ." Pippin moaned, "I�m dead! I�m dead!"
"You wouldn�t be saying anything if you�re dead." Sam lectured, "Now be quiet."
"I�m dead!" Pippin screeched, "DEAD!"
"Really now," Haldir motioned to Lindir, "We can�t shoot the elf full of arrows. Pity. Get him down. And put something ON him!" The elven captain dug into his very large REE bag again, "Finally." He grinned and shed his fair elven forest cloak which he tossed over Legolas�s shaking shoulders with a firm kind smile. "There, elf. Enjoy." Legolas grinned. Haldir turned to his elves, "Fine. We shall stop here for a bit. Why not, eh?" All the elves grinned toothy grins. "Bit of camping never hurt anyone."
Thus, the Fellowship spread themselves out once more as night drew upon the fair woods of Lorien. Lindir started a very toasty fire and then drew a long hunting knife from his bag, advancing on Legolas who shrieked "What do you WANT?"
"Um." Lindir placed the blade at the other elf�s throat, touched lightly, and then moved the blade to the elf�s slim arms. Lindir grinned, "Perfect."
"ARAGORN!" Legolas hollered, "LINDIR IS TRYING TO EAT ME!"
"I am not." The elf fairly replied, and lightly sat down on a rock. He pulled what seemed to be an empty mushroom sack from his pack and cut two holes in the side of the sack, as well as one opposite the opening. Lindir grinned again, eyeing Legolas, "There." He held out the sack.
"AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Legolas jumped to his feet, cloak flying, "What are you DOING?"
"Shut up." Lindir rolled his eyes, tossing the other elf the sack, "And put it on."
"Oh. Clothing." Flushing brightly, Legolas jumped behind a bush and tugged the sack onto himself, "Ooh. It fits. Perfectly." With a grand sweep of his cloak, the fair (now clothed) Elven prince of Mirkwood emerged from the bush (with feet wrapped in leaves) and gave an elegant bow to Haldir. "I thank you, elf of kin, for your wondrous cloak." Legolas gathered the fabric about his nose, "Smells nice. Woodland-y. With a bit of Shire."
"Glad you like it." Haldir grinned a private little grin, shared with the hobbit Pippin who had removed the arrow and was being nursed by Sam. "Right, Hobbit?"
"Mmm." Pippin glared at the elf and played with the rubber arrow that had been fired at his head, "You could have killed me!"
"I highly doubt that." Haldir answered far too calmly, "REE joke shop sells good merchandise."
"Not REE again." Sirius growled to Adhara who had tied a very fair length of elven rope around Sirius�s ears as though silver ribbons. "What are you doing to my ears?"
"Never mind." Adhara patted his head fondly, "Mmm. You�re almost as pretty as elves now."
"What are YOU going to wear?" The rest of the elven warriors gave Legolas a funny look as the Mirkwood elf settled down beside Aragorn who was smoking a pipe (the last Old Toby stolen from Sam). The prince motioned to Haldir, "I have your cloak. Aren�t you cold?"
"Cold?" Haldir glared at Legolas. "I am never cold." Still, he reached for the last REE shopping bag, and waited until all eyes were on him. The flickering firelight cast strange shadows across his face, and the elf raised a finger to his overly large nose. "I have a secret." With all the flourish of a wizard, fair elven fingers reached into the shopping bag and quicker than their eyes could follow, drew from its depths a thick woolen cloak just as fair, if not fairer, than the elven shoulders on which it sat. "I just got," Haldir patted the cloak fondly, "A new cloak."
"It�s red." Legolas wrinkled his nose in disgust, "How are you going to blend in with the trees?"
"I like red." Haldir buried his own nose in the thick wool, "Mmm. My favorite color."
"It�s . . ." The elven prince paused, "YOUNG."
"No it�s not!" Haldir screeched, drawing an elven blade, "You shall answer to that, Mirkwood scum!"
"Hey!" Legolas jumped to his feet and grabbed Narsil from Aragorn, but as soon as the blade left the sheath, the Dwarvish blade was so heavy, it clunked back onto the ground. Legolas flushed. He tossed it away. "Let�s see . . ." He tip toed over to Frodo, kicked the hobbit in the head (the hobbit went flying) and grabbed Sting. "HA!" Running back to where he had started, "Fine, Haldir of Lorien! We shall duel! To see who has the fairest cloak!"
"Oh no." Lindir moaned, "This is so stupid!" He glared at Legolas, "That cloak was Haldir�s an hour ago!"
"It is no longer his!" Legolas raised blade, "Prepare to fight!"
"HA!" Haldir screamed, "I am always ready!"
"Red!" The elven prince spat (hit Sirius in the head), "To hide your blood!"
"At least my blood isn�t GREEN!" Haldir took a swipe at Legolas�s head and the other elf ducked, "And my cloak isn�t soaked with �urine du la halfling�!"
"WHAT?" Legolas hollered, "What is URINE DU LA HALFLING?"
"French perfume!" Haldir jumped back from Legolas�s swipe of sword, "Isn�t it dashing?"
"Dashing would be incorrect!" The elves� blades clashed, "Earthly!" Pippin started to giggle. Legolas glared, "What are you giggling about?" The prince gathered the light Lorien cloak about him, "French scent! Ah!" He sniffed the cloak lightly, "�Urine du la Halfling!�"
"There�s more where THAT came from." Pippin giggled and got slapped in the face by Lindir, "Especially with all these weapons around!"
"Perfume?" Legolas sniffed the edge of the cloak delicately, "Ah, it is so wondrous!"
Sam clanged on the side of one of his pots to signify that his stew had been completed. Across the way, an elven warrior with a permanent scowl simply pointed to the deer he had roasting on the spit to announce that it was complete. All the elves tumbled over to the deer. The hobbits didn�t understand. Elves don�t particularly fancy mushroom stew. Lindir, however, emerged from the woods with a handful of what appeared to be leafy greens and set about stealing a tomato and a mushroom to make a light tossed salad.
"Ah," Lindir sighed, topping the salad with a handful of stale lembas cubes, "Celeborn Salad!"
"Do you think they�ll ever name something after me?" Legolas asked, burning his pretty fingers fighting with an elf over a particularly choice piece of deer, "Roast du la Legolas!"
"Spicy and fat." Gimli muttered and was awarded with a dirty look.