"Well, don�t just STAND there!" Frodo screamed, drawing Sting, but was easily kept from dashing back across the Bridge. Gandalf had finally decided to keep all four hobbits with him. Literally. All four hobbit�s belts mysteriously wound themselves against his driftwood staff, and Frodo screeched with anguish, running furiously on spot.
"Hey, stop that." Gimli smacked him over the ears, "You�ll wear out the stone!"
"BOROMIR!" The hobbit screeched at the top of his lungs, "LOOK OUT FOR THAT . . ."
"Balrog?!" The man called back, helpfully, "It�s getting a little warm over here!"
"Oh . . ." The fair elven voice sang out, "It�s getting warm in here, let�s go and run like the DICKENS!"
"What are you doing?!" Gandalf screeched, as Frodo�s eyes bulged, "HELLO?"
"AHHHH!" Frodo screamed, waving Sting around. Unfortunately, the end of the blade caught Gandalf in the nose. The wizard let go of the staff. The hobbit went shooting wildly across the Bridge, and his three compatriots (whose belts were still magically (literally) attached to the staff) followed screaming. As Frodo ran, the staff waved in the air, and with the combined weight of three hobbits at the end (Sam was none too light), they all flew off the bridge, as though in a fair ride, screaming bloody murder (well, if they fell, they would be murdered). "AHHH!" Frodo screamed again, as he was almost pulled down, off the bridge by his weight on his belt, "WHY ARE MY PANTS SO HEAVY?"
"Because, you idiot, my STAFF is attached to them!" Gandalf snarled, and reached out for the hobbits, but missed, and Frodo balanced tediously on a leg, "Don�t MOVE!"
"I�m not MOVING!" Frodo screeched, arms waving frantically trying to recover his balance, although he was now only on one toe, "THEY are!" Sure enough, all three hobbits were wiggling quicker than an earthworm in water. "STOP THEM!" Adhara raised her wand, "NO! Not the sticky stuff again!"
It took all of Sirius�s Quidditch skills to bound across the bridge in a terrific leap and manage to close his jaws around a certain staff, keeping all four hobbits and a driftwood staff on the stone bridge. "Gnpth!" Sirius muttered through a mouthful of wood (he wasn�t about to grab onto a hobbit), and swung them all back onto the Bridge. The dog sniffled and sneezed, "And to think I didn�t try out for Seeker!"
"Arg." Adhara rolled her eyes, "Men are SO stupid! Quidditch at a time like this!"
"I KNOW they are!" Their fair elf screeched, "Cursed be the stiff necks of Men!" Aragorn took a swipe at Legolas with Narsil, but the elf was too quick and jumped out of the way. "AHH! The necks of Elves are too pretty to be chopped!"
"I�ll give you pretty!" Aragorn growled, and was about to take another swipe at Legolas when he noticed that Frodo was standing in the middle of the Bridge of Khazad-dum with a balrog two feet away from him, and the hobbit was untangling a staff from his belt and hiking up his pants, oblivious of the danger. The man sighed, before rushing to their ring-bearer�s aid, "What�s with this Fellowship and PANTS?"
"We are the Fellowship of the Pants?" Legolas looked slightly interested, but Gimli clouted him on the head with a fist. "Ouch!"
"There." The hobbit was saying as he finished tightening his belt. Frodo waved Sting about, "Now where�s the balrog?" He looked back at the Fellowship, "I seem to have lost it!"
"Then don�t look behind you!" Sirius barked, "RUN!"
"Mmm." Frodo�s eyes narrowed, "Since you told me not to, I shall have to." The hobbit turned around. And passed out cold on the ground.
"I told you." The dog rolled his eyes, and the rest of the hobbits grabbed Frodo and hauled him off the Bridge.
"No . . ." Frodo moaned, and sat up, grasping Sam�s arm, "Doctor, doctor! I smell burnt hobbit!"
"Oh shut up!" Gandalf snarled, and was about to rush onto the Bridge, when Frodo grabbed onto the edge of his cloak. The wizard went sprawling across the stone ground, staff flying out of grasp and loud slew of foul words flowing from his mouth (they were in Elven. Legolas winced). With flames in his eyes, he turned back and glared at the hobbit. "What�s the big idea?!"
"I have something for you." The hobbit tossed up ahead a nice piece of white tofu, "Try this!"
"Nitroglycerine again?!" The wizard quickly jumped to his feet and rubbed his aching nose (it had just been smashed onto the ground), "Shall do!"
"Good old Army and Navy Stores!" The hobbits chorused, "Yay! Selling to minors!"
"Arg." Frodo rolled his eyes, "They didn�t believe me when I told them I was fifty!"
"I wouldn�t blame them." Adhara muttered. "Hobbits like you are in SHORT supply."
Gandalf, meanwhile, was halfway across the Bridge, and had stuck the blob of nitroglycerine on the side of the Bridge, and was swearing, as his staff would not light. Boromir was standing beside him, amused as the wizard swore bitterly in Elven at his staff. The wizard�s brows knitted in frustration, as he tossed his staff to the side and swore something so miserable, Legolas fainted dead away. Gimli stared at the elf.
"Um," The dwarf prodded with a toe, "Are you alright?"
The elf�s eyes fluttered open, "Oh dearie me!" And quickly sat up, smoothing out his blackened toga, "That wasn�t very nice, now was it?"
"Err . . ." Gimli was about to point out he did not understand Elven when the elf burst into tears and clutched at the dwarf�s legs, bawling his head off, "Um."
"Oh, Gimli!" Legolas sobbed bitterly, "My poor ears! Tainted forever! Forever! Forever!"
"They look fine to me." Gimli tried to pry Legolas off him. It was one of those times he wished that Legolas Whiteleaf had the �I-hate-dwarves� attitude.
"Oh, Gimli! How could you understand!" The elf melted into a little puddle of self-pity, "Oh my ears! My ears! Oh!"
"What did Gandalf say?" Aragorn frowned, looking at the wizard (now trying with Boromir�s flint stones and looking up at the Balrog who was glaring at them with interest), and at the elf sobbing, "It couldn�t have been THAT bad, now could it?!"
"Fair is foul and foul is fair!" Legolas sobbed, pointing a shaky, but still fair, elven finger at the Balrog who looked up and growled at the elf, "It�s not FAIR!"
"Look, stop sniveling!" Gandalf drew himself up to full height and barked at the elf, "I am trying to get some spark to set of the nitroglycerine so that this bridge can blow up and we can go on with our STUPID quest! Any questions?!"
"YES!" Legolas jumped up and drew HIMSELF up to full height (a whole entire intimidating 6�2") and growled at the wizard, "Why did you just say �Curse Udun that I be stuck here with EIGHT MEN and none with a lighter?!� May I point out I am not a MAN!"
"Well . . ." Wizard motioned to dog, "He�s a man!"
"He�s a DOG!" Legolas moaned, "You meant me! Me! The very-super-duper-fair elven prince of Mirkwood! A MAN!"
"This is FOLLY!" Boromir screamed, reached into a long-forgotten pocket and came up with a fistful of matches, "These better?"
"Where is the striking surface?" Gandalf demanded, staring angrily at the Man. Without waiting for a response, he grabbed Boromir�s large shoulder and spun the man around, as though a top. As Boromir spun, Gandalf held a match out, which brushed against the shield with such friction, a flame burst into being on the match. "BINGO!" The wizard laughed, and kicked his staff angrily, "Stupid staff! Never did me any good in a tight situation."
"Now you know what it feels like to have something malfunction!" Boromir snarled, as he kept on spinning. Unfortunately, the wind currents caused by the spinning man soon put out the little flame. "For Pity�s Sakes!"
"What now?!" The wizard growled, and stopped Boromir from spinning himself off the Bridge, "You have a better idea?"
"Of course!" Boromir puffed out his chest, "I am Boromir, son of Denethur, heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, brother of Faramir, friend of Aragorn, member of the Fellowship, fifty-two-time winner of the Most Strongest Guy in Gondor Award �"
"Oh shove it!" Gandalf snarled, "What�s the idea?!"
"You need flame!" The Man grinned, and waved dramatically at the balrog behind him, "I give you flame!"
"Oh you idiot!" Gandalf punched Boromir in the nose, "Why didn�t you say so sooner?" Boromir didn�t hit the wizard back, but quickly sprinted off the bridge, grabbed the remainder of the Fellowship and screamed, "HIT THE DIRT!"
"Oof!" Legolas moaned as Boromir�s shield caught him in the back of the head, and he went smack-dab-face-first onto the stone floor of Moria. The elf looked up just as Gandalf tossed the nitroglycerine, "WHY?"
"That�s why!" The entire cavern ripped apart in a gigantic splatter of shadow, flame, smoke, clumps of dust, a wrinkly gray thing, a few orcs, and a certain Fellowship. Boromir�s scream was lost in the gigantic explosion as a gigantic hunk of something whipped by his head, and in their terror, all four hobbits squealed at the top of their lungs, "MUSHROOMS!"
With a funny little squeak, something in the darkness snatched Boromir�s shield in the opposite direction. Boromir yanked back. The thing yanked. Boromir yanked. The thing yanked. Boromir yanked harder. The thing growled and yanked with all its might. Boromir yanked with all his might. The little thing went flying into him. The man squinted, and stared through the flying dust particles to see none other than . . . "Legolas! Let GO of my SHIELD!" With thus, the Man threw himself on top of his shield and this ended the elf�s attempts to take it. Or so Boromir thought.
"Men! Weak! Must protect nose!" Legolas squealed and grabbed Gimli�s axe, shielding himself temporarily, as his fair fingers tightened around Boromir�s shield. "NOW!"
"Oh have it your way!" Boromir rolled off his shield and the elf gave a happy squeak, curled up into a little parcel and lowered the shield to cover everything exactly. "Hmm. Didn�t know 6�2" could fit in there like that."
"Well, it can!" Legolas squeaked, and a piece of heavy debris smacked on the shield. The elf recognized it as his laptop. "What is that doing out there?" Fair fingers reached out from the shield and closed around the lid of the computer. From above, suddenly, a larger hunk of debris fell and squished the elf�s arm, with Legolas shrieking, "AHHHHH! MY ARM!"
"Billy!" Sam quickly ran over to the large hunk on Legolas�s arm and pried off his pony, "Where have YOU been?" The pony swished his tail. "Aww, you�re still so cute!" Sam rubbed his pony�s nose and the rest of the hobbits were pulled along with him (Frodo found his hand crushed beyond repair. Must invest in some kevlar gloves). The pony sniffled slightly.
"My arm!" Their elf whimpered, and drew the arm back under the shield, "Squished by a pony, my foot!"
The sum of the explosion had died down, and Gimli stared out into the distance, through the dust, all he could see was a gigantic black pit which had been blown where the Bridge of Khazad-dum had once spanned. He heaved a deep breath. Balin would have been angered. Slightly. The dwarf stood in the hail of dust particles and stretched out, picking up his axe from where the elf had dropped it. Fortunately, Balin�s bane was no where to be found. That darn balrog had been blown back to Udun. Good for it.
"Now THAT was an explosion!" Aragorn sat up, "I counted three dozen orcs, many parts of balrog, a gray wrinkly thing, a pizza delivery boy, a double-cheese-triple-anchovies pizza, a hunk of driftwood, a funny old hat, a bunch of Bridge and . . ." He grinned, "Wow!"
"Not funny." Legolas stood, and brushed himself off, handing the shield back to Boromir (who fussed over the scratch, which was soon fixed up with some heavy polishing), "My laptop is covered with slimy stuff." As if to illustrate his point, the elf fixed up his arm by giving it a mean look, and held out the computer. A slimy drip of slime splattered onto the stone ground. "Yuck."
"Gandalf!" Frodo suddenly spoke, "Where is he?"
"Well, do I LOOK like Gandalf?!" Aragorn demanded, as the hobbit looked at him, "See? No beard!"
"I told him to hit the ground!" Boromir muttered, "Probably blown to the top of the mountain!"
"Oh no!" Their elf�s fair face twisted with anguish, "Without a thermal tent, too!"
"I�m sure that�s the least of his concerns." Sirius glared at Boromir, "Why didn�t you go and save him, bud?"
"He�s not dead!" Boromir glared right back, "I told everyone to hit the deck. It�s not my fault!"
"Fine." The dog snarled, wiggling his nose, "Now we have the pony. Now we do not have a wizard." He turned back into his true form, "Aside from me."
"You look wimpy." Adhara pinched his arm, "You haven�t been working out lately, now have you?"
"WORKING OUT?" Sirius pointed to the mines through which they had just come, "YOU DON�T CALL THAT A WORKOUT?!"
"Oh, come on." Aragorn growled, and led them out the final doors of Moria. The bright sunlight, contrary to popular belief, was not welcoming. The entire Fellowship was blinded. "AHHH!"
"My eyes! My eyes!" Legolas fell to his knees, grasping his face, "My eyes!"
"MUSHROOMS!" All four hobbits tumbled around so much, Pippin almost wandered back into Moria, but Sirius grabbed him by the belt.
"Where do you think you are going?" He growled, and tossed the hobbit in the right direction. Pippin stumbled away. "Darn nab these hobbits! Dumber than a bag of hammers!"
"MUSHROOMS!" Frodo and Sam clutched each other and wailed, "MUSHROOMS!"
"Oh, just open your eyes!" Aragorn ordered, but all four hobbits closed their eyes and squatted on the ground, refusing. The man groaned, and turned to the rest of them, who were all standing. Legolas shaded his fair elven eyes with a pair of Oakley shades while the others did so with their hands. Aragorn barked, "Legolas!"
"Aye, aye?" The elf jumped to attention with a brisk salute, "What?!"
"Get them to open their eyes!" Aragorn growled, stalking off, "NOW!"
"Aye, aye! EYE!" Legolas grabbed Sam, spun him around on his back, and grabbed the hobbit�s eyelids, prying them apart. Sam squealed with pain. "OPEN SAYS-ME!" The hobbit closed the eye. Legolas grabbed the other one and pried. Sam hollered so loudly, Billy ran over and gave the elf a smart kick in the middle of the rear. Legolas went flying and crashed in a heap a distance away.
"Thanks Billy!" Sam bawled and clutched onto his pony, "MUSHROOMS!"
"Your turn FRODO!" Legolas ran over to the hobbit who tried squirming away, but football-tackled him to the ground, "Let�s see your pretty blue eyes!"
"Oh for pity�s sakes!" Boromir roared, "This is FOLLY!"
"By nightfall," Aragorn rolled his eyes (if that would come), "These hills will be SWARMING with orcs. Come on! Let�s get a move on!" He glared at Boromir who was polishing his shield, "Come, Legolas! Boromir! Gimli!"
All three made a move to go grab a hobbit (all were avoiding Sam, but more notably, the pony), but Sirius groaned at the stupidity of all this. "Look," He took a deep breath, "Why don�t you all just wear shades?"
"Does it look like we have them?" Frodo was fending off Boromir with tooth and nail, and the man was using his shield to force down the hobbit, "MY EYES!"
"Look," Sirius took out his wand, "I�m going to try a summoning charm." He whispered, "Accio Sunglasses!" Suddenly, from the sky, dropped pairs of gold-rimmed and green-lens sporting specs. The hobbits stopped squirming as Gimli smashed a pair onto Pippin and the hobbit opened his eyes. Legolas studied the pair he forced onto Merry, "These are so ugly! No fashion sense at all! Where did they come from?!"
"Who cares?" Aragorn growled, and pointed Narsil ahead of them, "Onto Lorien!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hour grows late, and smoke rises from Isengard. Saurman the White runs out of his tower, screaming for council.
"SOMEONE SET FIRE TO MY TOWER!" And as if that were not enough for a headache, an orc came running up to him (dressed in a flying-monkey costume), and bowed lowly.
"My lord," The orc growled, "We seemingly are missing four pairs of green spectacles."
"Oh no!" Saurman groaned, "Put out the fire! Find the specs!" He turned his back to the orc and ran back into the tower after grabbing a fire extinguisher, "WHY ME?!"