Frowning, Gollum walked forward and THIS time, when he ran into the stupid travelers, he was going to get the elf, the one who stuck the arrow in his head. Hoisting the clam under his arm, and tightening his grip on it, Gollum ran forwards in the darkness, just as voices could be heard from above.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know what?" Legolas suddenly stopped, teetering on his hands, "This is an adventure! Maybe in a few Ages, people will make a movie about us!"
"Oh shut up and keep on running!" Aragorn growled, "Where are we going, anyway?"
"The Bridge of Khazad-dum!" The elf screamed, and ran forwards on his hands, "You know, you Men are SO slow." Aragorn groaned. "I mean, I was all the way out of Moria and then I realized that you guys were still inside, so I had to hand-walk all the way back to find the bunch of YOU running in little circles!"
"Big ovals!" Gandalf screamed in protest, "OVALS!"
"Okay!" Legolas snarled and led them through a stone archway, "Look out, there are stairs." Still, the elf managed to climb down the many stone steps crossing every-which-way above a very large canyon without a slow in speed, still on his hands, "The only problem with walking on your hands is that you can�t put booties on your hands."
"What about the fact that all your arrows fell out of your quiver?" Frodo suggested timidly.
"CRAP-A-MUNGA!" Legolas swore and almost fell down the stairs as he raised a hand to check, "Darn nab it! And there goes my bow too!"
"Maybe THAT�S why elves don�t normally walk on their hands." Gimli suggested, almost gently, "There had to be a REASON."
"MMM�" Legolas groaned, "A minor setback."
"You are unarmed!" The dwarf sputtered, as they descended more stairs, the elf still leading on his hands, "What if you run into an orc?" Suddenly, Gimli found himself lying flat on his stomach, wind knocked out of his lungs and a very fair elven hand at his throat. Legolas was at the other end and half sitting on the dwarf (his legs were still stiff), and with a very stern look on his face.
"You underestimate the power of Elven-Kung-Fu!" Legolas griped, and was about to demonstrate a Mirkwood-elfin-CHOP on Gimli�s back, but Boromir stopped him just in time. The elf snarled, "You want to try some leg-stiff Elven-Kung-Fu too?"
"NO!" Boromir roared, "I just want to get OUT of here!"
"Oh, that is such a good idea!" The elf flipped upside down and onto his hands again, continuing to descend down the ever present stairs, "We�re almost there."
"Almost where?" Aragorn was almost afraid to ask.
"The B of Khazad-dum!" The elf grinned, still heading down on his hands, "Mmm."
"The B?" Gandalf panted, "The Bridge?"
"No. The big B." Legolas grinned almost wickedly now, "The BIG B."
"Which is . . ." Gimli prompted, "A . . ."
"THE BIG BREAK!" The elf snarled, "TEE HEE HEE!"
"The Big Break of Khazad-dum?" The wizard frowned, "I�ve never heard of it."
"Of course not." Legolas grinned, "It�s fresh."
"Of course snot?" Sam asked, confused, "Fresh?"
"Not SNOT." The elf sighed and rolled his eyes. Finally, he paused and pointed ahead (this time, he balanced on one hand), "See, ahead? That is of what I speak!"
And sure enough, in the rock stairway ahead of them, there was suddenly a rather large break in the stone, threatening to drop whom dared to step across it into the deep abyss below. Aragorn gulped. The elf still stood on his hands and looked thoughtful. Gandalf looked back and saw that the balrog was far too close if they were to turn back. There was only one choice. Try and hop across it. The wizard frowned. Maybe JUMP was a better choice of words. Or LEAP. He frowned some more. It was just that it didn�t look hard. That had to be it. Not hard.
The elf teetered up to the brink on his hands, and balancing for the briefest second on the lowest step, he took a deep breath, bent his elbows, and with a powerful spring, ended up on the other side, still on his hands. Legolas grinned, "See? Look ma! No feet!"
"Show off." Gimli griped, "You probably couldn�t do that again."
"CAN TOO!" The elf stuck out his tongue and before anyone could stop him, began rapidly jumping across the gap on his hands, back and forth, back and forth. "SEE?"
"Oh stop it before you fall into the big crack!" Frodo squeaked, looking out from between his fingers, "You�re going to fall and break your neck!"
"It�s a bottomless pit, bud." The elf continued bouncing back and forth, "You wouldn�t break your neck."
"Oh, that�s cheerful." Sam groaned, "You�re making me dizzy."
"So?" Legolas grinned and finally settled upon a side (the far one), "Come on, it�s not that hard!"
"I�m dizzy." Slightly green and clutching his stomach, Sam moaned, "Sick."
"Do it OVER THE SIDE!" Boromir grabbed the hobbit which was facing him at the point and whirled Sam about in a 180 which did no good to his stomach. With Sam facing the big abyss, Boromir delivered a quick Hemlich maneuver, and the hobbit�s last meal, in the form of spew, flew away from the Fellowship and down into the darkness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gollum sniffled. It smelt like rain. He looked up to see nothing at all, it was too dark. The creature hissed. He still needed to use the phone. His stomach growled for a double-cheese-triple-anchovies pizza. Too bad he wasn�t going to get one any time soon . . . Still, he could taste the darn thing! Gollum gave into temptation and opened his mouth wide, as thought the pizza would magically fly into his jaws with a loud . . . SPLAT! The creature closed his mouth. There was something in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come on!" Legolas frowned, but it looked like a smile as the elf was upside down, "Gandalf! Your turn!" The wizard scowled, but with a mighty leap, made it across, sprawling into the elf who managed to hop backwards just in time. "Very good for an old guy." Gandalf�s eyes burned with anger, but the elf was beyond that and was calling to the next crew.
Boromir was looking at the hobbits and noted, "Your legs are too short to win." The hobbits stared angrily back. The man sighed, shouldered his shield and grabbed both Merry and Pippin (neither looked ready to spew). Walking over to the last step, he looked down (big mistake), and gulped. Boromir looked back at the Fellowship who were all waving him on. Now the hobbits in his arms were ready to spew. Before they had a chance to do that, though, Boromir had leapt across and neatly deposited each hobbit in the wizard�s arms (they could spew there if they wanted.)
"They look ready to blow!" Adhara, who had crossed, grabbed a hobbit from Gandalf and held him over the edge. Either being suddenly grabbed, or finding that they were being held OVER a BIG BOTTOMLESS PIT caused both hobbits to suddenly empty their stomachs. She grinned, "Told you."
"Sam!" Aragorn grabbed the hobbit about the middle and was about to toss him to Boromir when the hobbit gasped. "You�re not going to SPEW again, are you?"
"NO!" Sam gasped horrified, in mid-toss, "THE SNAKE!"
"Oh no!" Boromir yelped and turned to run, forgetting that he was supposed to catch the hobbit which bounced off his shield (Boromir had his back turned), and Sam crumpled to the ground, sword drawn. The first thing the hobbit saw (of course) were the darn snakes with heads in boots.
"DIE!" Sam screeched and before anyone could stop him, Boromir ran flying down the rest of the stairs with a rabid hobbit behind him, screaming at the top of his lungs. "EVIL SNAKE!"
"Oh man." Legolas rolled his eyes, "Not again!"
"I�ve always told dear-old-Sam he needed to get his eyes checked!" Frodo whimpered, "Poor Sam!!"
"Poor Boromir!" Aragorn growled and picked up Sirius, "Dogs don�t spew now do they?" Luckily, he tossed before Sirius had a chance to bite his fingers off. Adhara easily caught him and asked for big doggy kisses in return. Sirius glared angrily at her.
"Okay, Gimli," Aragorn turned to the dwarf, "Your turn."
"I�m not getting tossed around like a DOG nor a HOBBIT!" Gimli sputtered, "NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!" He frowned, "Besides, I don�t want to bounce off a shield or lick anyone�s face."
"EEW!" Adhara grabbed Sirius and yanked him down the stairs, "You are DISGUSTING!"
"Oh man." Gimli took a deep breath before taking a gigantic leap about two millimeters too short, "YIPES!" Luckily, his savior was at hand, and with a quick flip, Legolas managed to grab the dwarf�s beard as he flopped onto his stomach and landed with a THUMP.
"Definitely ungraceful." Pippin noted and Merry nodded.
"NOT THE BEARD!" Gimli screeched.
"Don�t worry." Legolas hauled the dwarf up, "You have plenty of beard to spare."
"How would you like it if I RIPPED OUT YOUR HAIR?" The dwarf screamed, "YOU SEEM TO HAVE PLENTY TO SPARE!"
"Of course not." The elf touched his fair locks, "Mmm. Still smells like lavenders."
"Alrighty," Gandalf turned to Frodo, "Come on, you know. Just don�t spew."
"I feel sick . . ." The hobbit began, but suddenly, his moan turned into a gigantic sound of splintering stone and just in time, Aragorn grabbed Frodo and tossed him up the stairs just as the lowest steps crumbled and fell. Frodo landed, bashed up against some stones, "Oh man, that hurt."
"Get up!" Aragorn was on his feet, and to make matters worse, their escape path was cut off by another gap which suddenly opened up in the rock, caused by stupid falling projectiles. Aragorn groaned, "Why is STONE so BRITTLE?!"
"I have no idea . . ." Frodo murmured, face down, and Aragorn grabbed him and hoisted him to his feet. The hobbit tottered slightly with the rock as it moved, "Ahh . . . everything is swaying . . ."
"Keep your eye on the horizon!" Aragorn ordered, setting a hand on the hobbit�s shoulder, "Steady now!"
"I was quite steady lying down!" Frodo spat angrily, "Now you made me stand . . ." But the man wasn�t listening. The rock beneath them shifted more crazily than those stupid rides at the last Middle Earth Fair�s midway. And Aragorn had taken Arwen on the Tilt-A-Whirl and ended up puking all over the place . . . he griped at the memory.
"Lean forward!" Aragorn commanded, and the hobbit pulled a face. "Look, if we don�t, the stone will fall into the big crack and us with it and WE ARE GOING TO DIE!"
"DIE?!" Frodo squeaked, eyes ever so wide, "WHY DIDN�T YOU SAY SO?"
"DIE!" Aragorn confirmed, "Now lean!"
"Okay!" The hobbit plunged all his weight forward and before Aragorn could stop him, fell head over heels in a gigantic cartwheel down the steep slopes, "AHHH!"
"Oh no." Aragorn moaned, "YOU IDIOT! I said LEAN not FALL!"
"AHHH!" Frodo kept on screaming as rolled like a log downwards, "WHERE ARE THE BRAKES ON THIS THING?"
"I�ll catch you!" Sirius leapt forward, but tripped over his floppy pink tongue and landed, sprawled on the rocks. "Never mind."
"AHHH!" Frodo confirmed as he came ever closer to the edge. And then, he was there. "AHHH!"
"Oh man." Aragorn quickly sprinted down the stairs and managed to grab onto a hobbit ankle as the rest of the hobbit fell, "Hold on!"
"THE THOUGHT HAD OCCURRED TO ME!" Frodo snarled bitterly, "DON�T LET GO!"
"That may be difficult!" Aragorn was lying on his stomach, and unfortunately, with the combined weight of hobbit and man, the stone began to slide forward, the gap through which Aragorn had seized Frodo�s ankle growing suspiciously smaller and smaller, "YOU�RE GOING TO GET CRUSHED!"
"NO!" The hobbit screamed in horror, and luckily, just in the nick of time, Aragorn was able to hoist up the hobbit and toss him onto the opposite shore where Adhara easily caught him, but turned Frodo aside just enough times for him to spew. Panting quickly, Frodo lay on his back, eyes open in shock, "Let�s not do that again!"
"Mmm." Aragorn rolled off his part of the stairs as it too, disappeared in to the dark depths, "I�ll keep that in mind."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"EEW." Gollum open and closed his jaws, "Yuck." And suddenly, as if a mouthful of spew not his own were not enough, from the heavens above, many more globs of spew were splashing all over! "Cursed luck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Let�s get going!" The elf hollered as he quickly headed down the stairs, leading the way on his hands again, "If we hurry, we can catch up to Boromir and Sam!"
Unfortunately, no amount of hurrying could do this as they finally caught up with Sam who seemed to be alone. But then, they looked down. Suspiciously, the stairs now suddenly had banisters and were spiraling downwards in dizzying circles. Sam had climbed onto the banister and was sliding furiously down it, sword drawn. A circle below him, on the stairs, a single man sitting in his shield was clunking down the stairs as well.
"I knew that shield had to be good for something." Aragorn muttered, "A toboggan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"WHOA!" Boromir screamed as he clutched onto his shield in which he had crammed himself, surfing down the stairs. At first, it was only a slow descent, but now, it was so fast, the bottom of the shield was quite warm and the stairs going by were only a blur of dirty gray. "AHHHH!" The man yelped, "THERE AREN�T ANY BRAKES ON THIS THING!" But he�d rather slide forever than have that stupid hobbit after his leg again! Darn nab that Samwise Gamgee! Why couldn�t he go get an eye examination?
"Come back here!" Sam was hollering at the top of his lungs, "Stupid snake! I�m going to gut you once and for all!"
"It�s just ME Sam!" Boromir screamed desperately, "ME! Boromir!"
"Oh no!" The hobbit sighed, "Poor Boromir! He is going crazy! He thinks he is a snake!"
"HOW DO I STOP THIS THING?" Boromir yelled, rattling down the stairs at break-neck speed, "Wait a sec! I DON�T THINK I WANT TO KNOW!"
"Crash it into the wall!" From above, Aragorn had almost caught up to them (the entire Fellowship save Legolas, had hopped onto the banister and was following Sam down), "You have to stop Boromir, before gravitational acceleration of 9.8 m/s/s gets the better of you!"
"But I�m not free falling!" Boromir gulped, "HELP!"
"Well, almost 9.8 m/s/s, then!" Aragorn cried, exasperated, "Do you have an anchor or something?"
"Well . . ." Boromir drew his sword and let it rat-a-tat against the stone steps, and although sparks flew, he didn�t slow down, "THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A VERY LONG TIME!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~