The creature strode up to the elf which looked very much like the elf on the back of the troll. It also looked very much like the screaming thing which had tossed the wooden brush at Gollum�s head. Darn thing. And the arrow was a cause of it too! And the elf wasn�t moving. Gollum picked up the largest stone he could find and threw it at the elf. The stone bounced off its head.
"See how YOU like it . . ." Gollum hissed, "Where are the others? Where is my Precious?"
The elf did not answer. It seemed to be made of colored stone or something.
"PRECIOUS!" Gollum hissed, poking at the thing, "GIVE ME MY PRECIOUS!"
The elf did not answer.
"ARE YOU GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT?!" Gollum poked again, "TALK!"
The elf did not answer.
"Nice toga." Gollum remarked, and then suddenly, heard voices passing through the far door. He hurried to it just in time to see the rest of the stone elf�s friends disappear through a doorway at the far end. Oh well. That�s just where all the big herds of scary orcs lived. Too bad for them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wait." Gimli held up a hand, "We�ve forgotten something!"
"No we haven�t." Gandalf looked at the hobbits, "All four are here."
"OUR ELF!" The dwarf screamed, "We forgot Legolas!"
"Oh man!" Frodo whimpered, "Not again!"
"We have to go BACK for him!" Gimli ran quickly back the way they had came as did the rest of the Fellowship, all mumbling about traveling with a stupid elf.
"This is so stupid." Adhara sighed, "He could have SAID something!"
"WAIT!" Gimli held up a hand again, and pointed to a large stone slab which read something in Dwarvish. The slab looked like a notice stuck by the door Frodo had blasted open. "It looks important."
"Read it when we come back." Gandalf and the others pushed the dwarf through the door as Adhara mumbled something about forgetting the opposite spell. Gimli thought he noticed something gray with an arrow sticking out of his head in the shadows, but did not say anything.
"I�m not really sure." Adhara turned to Sirius, "Do you remember?"
"No." Sirius confirmed, "Bet we don�t have time for that. Just grab the elf and get out of here!"
Thus, if Legolas Whiteleaf were not petrified, he surely would have violently protested to Boromir picking him up around the middle and slinging him over a shoulder, as though a bag of flour. The elf had a suspicious bruise on his pretty forehead. No one noticed. Instead, Boromir just grinned wickedly. Aragorn hid his nicked sword behind his back.
"Okay, let�s try this again," Gandalf composed the group in front of the door, "To the Bridge of Khaza-Dum!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Those who venture beyond this point do so at his own risk." Gimli read the ancient dwarfish ruins etched on the stone slab he noticed earlier. He turned to the Fellowship, "Is this a good sign?"
"Well, it IS fairly well made . . ." Boromir sighed, (the elf was getting heavy, must be the lead booties), "But I suppose venturing in here is at our own risk!"
"Hmm. Quite right." The dwarf sighed, and pointed to the road ahead, "Let�s get out of here!"
"Hmm. Quite right." Frodo echoed, and began walking forward into the darkness, before Gandalf who held aloft his lit staff, "I can�t see anything." The hobbit blindly felt forward, "I can�t see anything!"
"Oh you idiot!" Gandalf grabbed Frodo�s shoulder and shoved the hobbit behind him, "STAY THERE!"
"Yes, SIR!" Frodo hopped a brisk salute as the rest of the Fellowship filed past him. Sam was the last in the line, and the hobbits waved to each other cheerily. "I must stay HERE Sam!"
"NO!" Gandalf suddenly whipped around, "Get over here!" And pointed to himself, and the little hobbit rushed forward. The wizard kept a grip on Frodo�s shoulder, "I�m keeping an eye on you."
"Where is your other eye going to go?" Sam asked cheerfully, "Can I have it?"
"NO!" Gandalf growled, "They�re MY eyes! Mine! My own!" He paused and finally hissed, "My precious!"
"Gandalf," Aragorn strode up to the wizard, concern marring his face, "I think you�ve had those eyes for quite long enough!"
"ARAGORN!" The wizard roared, "What business is it of yours, what I do with my own things?! You want them for yourself!"
"GANDALF-da-Grey!" Aragorn snarled back, "Do not take me for a wielder of a plastic blade! I am not trying to rob you!" He took a deep breath, "I am only trying to help you." Gandalf�s flames of anger which had been burning brightly in his eyes diminished and the wizard�s bottom lip began to quiver. Aragorn sighed, "Maybe getting those contacts was not such a good idea."
"I�m not getting Harry Potter glasses." Gandalf growled, "Ugly things."
"Maybe half-moon spectacles?" Adhara suggested, "Dumbledore seems to like them."
"Mmm." Gandalf shrugged, "I�ll look into it." Thus, he pushed Frodo forward, "Let�s go."
"Just keep your eyes where they are." Sirius barked, "I don�t want wizard�s eyes rolling all over the place. Never find the darn things in this light."
"Oops." Gandalf muttered.
"What?" Sirius asked, afraid, "You didn�t pop them out did you?"
"Well, I HAD to give one to Frodo!" The wizard snarled right back.
"YOU TOOK YOUR EYES OUT OF YOUR HEAD?!" Sirius�s jaw dropped, "You�re such an IDIOT!"
"Excuse me?" Gandalf waved his staff randomly, "Do you see them?"
"You lost your eyes." Gimli buried his face in his hands, "I�m glad the elf is stunned. I don�t want to know what he would say to this."
"Maybe �MY EYES ARE THE PRETTIEST OF ALL IN THE FELLOWSHIP.�" Boromir suggested, switching shoulders, "Hmm."
"Let me risk a little more light," Gandalf waved a hand in front of his staff, and suddenly, they saw that they were no longer in a LITTLE stone cavern but quite a BIG stone city.
"This makes the hunt a little more difficult." Aragorn sighed, and set them all into pairs (he wisely kept the hobbits apart from each other. No knowing where they may go otherwise). The elf he plunked with the wizard. "Okay, we�re going to split up and look for eyes." Everyone who could, gave Gandalf a dirty look, "They�re small and round." Gandalf shrugged. "They�re probably a little dirty." Aragorn decided to be optimistic, "Now let�s go hunt some wizard eyes!"
"Oh gosh." Gimli dragged along Pippin by the hand, "This is so stupid."
"HEY!" Gandalf snarled, "I heard that."
"Well, don�t YOU think it is stupid?" The dwarf snorted, "WE ARE LOOKING FOR EYES!"
"They are my eyes!" The wizard growled, "They are important to me! They came to me on my BIRTHDAY!"
"Well NO WAY!" Gimli snarled again, and dragged Pippin further away from the wizard.
Meanwhile, Legolas had managed (with his super elven-magic) to undo some of Adhara�s spell and freed an arm. Of course he knew what was going on and since he hated the old wizard who did not decide to un-bind him, the elf decided to take some revenge. And of course, since he had those pretty and fair elven eyes, he saw one of the wizard�s eyeballs lying amongst some loose pebbles Merry was tossing into a big crack in the cave. The other was within his reach.
Thus, the elf stretched out his only freed arm and managed to clench a fist around the slimy little ball. Summoning his last strength, he flung it into the dark, and it landed with a KLUNK.
"MY SHIELD!" Boromir roared from the depths and Sam jumped, "SOMETHING HIT MY SHIELD!"
"Boromir," Sam sighed, "You spend more time shielding your shield than your shield spends shielding you." The hobbit bent down and picked up the projectile, "Besides, it�s just a slightly slimy eyeball."
"EYEBALL!" Gandalf was there in a second, taking the eyeball from the hobbit, rubbed it clean on his robes and popped it back into the socket. He blinked. "There. Much better." Legolas did not think so. He expressed this in the only way he could. With only one freed arm, he raised it and gave the wizard a very impolite finger. No one saw. It was too dark.
"Now where is my other eyeball?" The wizard growled, "I must look like a Cyclops."
"No. You look like a wizard that has lost an eye." Sam mused, and the hobbit ran over to Merry who had picked up some more pebbles in a hand. "What are you doing?"
"Throwing pebbles." Merry emptied the handful he had into Sam�s hands, "Here. You can have some."
"Mmm." The hobbits stared at the pebbles, and Sam looked at a particular one, "This one seems slimy."
"It�s probably just moldy." Merry shrugged, "Throw it away."
"NO!" Gandalf roared, "THAT�S MY EYE!"
"Oh. Is it now?" Confused, Sam handed over the pebble he was about to throw. It was oddly shaped, almost triangular and off-white. "That�s a weird shaped eye." He looked at the rest of the pebbles in his hand. There was one spherical one, with a pupil. Must not be it.
"OUCH!" The wizard shoved the rock into his socket, "It doesn�t fit!"
"GANDALF!" Aragorn ran over, "What are you trying to do?"
"Put my EYE back IN!" Gandalf swore and shoved the rock harder, "It must have changed shape!"
"That�s not your eye!" Aragorn looked at the hobbits and grabbed the right eyeball from Sam, "This is your eye!"
"What?" Gandalf looked very confused, so Boromir took the rock out of his eye and Aragorn popped the right one back in. "AKK!"
"What now?" Adhara sighed, angrily.
"You didn�t wipe it clean!" Gandalf popped the eye back out and wiped it a few times with travel-stained robes, "Much better." He popped it back in and blinked a few more times. "Ahh."
"Can I have one, now?" Frodo asked, tugging on Gandalf�s cloak, "Please?"
"NO!" Gandalf snarled, and pointed to the elf, "Come on, let�s get going!"
"Mmm." Boromir stared at the elf who was still pointing a very impolite finger into the air. "He�s point at something."
"No he�s not." Adhara placed her hands on her hips and kicked the elf, "He�s insulting us!"
"No. He is pointing." Boromir insisted and the Fellowship looked up. They wished they hadn�t. "Maybe then again. He�s not pointing." Boromir sighed, "He�s swearing at us."
"LOOK!" Sirius growled, and motioned to the flood of orcs streaming down from the highest reaches of the pillars in a loud and continuous clatter of their armor.
"We already did!" Boromir roared, "RUN!"
"NO!" Gandalf screamed, and everyone paused (Boromir almost dropped the elf), "FLY!"
"We can�t!" The hobbits cried, "We don�t have wings!"
"It�s a metaphor." Adhara explained, "It means run as fast as your legs can carry you."
"Well, why didn�t he say so?" Sam growled, "Makes much more sense."
"RUN!" Boromir cried again and they all ran to the opposite end of the stone room (that seemed to make sense, and Gandalf was leading the way), with herds of orcs descending down on all sides.
"I feel like the pharaoh�s armies when the Red Sea fell!" Sirius yelped, "It was not very pretty!"
"Of course they�re not pretty. Elves are pretty." Legolas had managed to unfreeze his jaws (very unfortunate), and he was still raising an impolite finger, "I AM SO PRETTY!" He sang at the top of his lungs, "ORCS ARE SO UGLY!" Legolas continued to sputter, "PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!"
"Yes! Whatever!" Gimli growled, "Shut up!"
"Okay!" Legolas whimpered, "I�ll see if I can get the rest of myself unfrozen from that STUPID spell, then I can OUTRUN you all, OUTSEE you all, OUTLIVE you all, and even OUTPRETTY you all! And I can have my vengeance!" Frodo gulped. "Ooh, look, I can wiggle my fingers." The elf demonstrated and caught sight of Frodo. Legolas snorted and raised the impolite finger again, "La, la, la, la, la!" He sang, "I�m going to take pleasure in GUTTING you HOBBIT!"
"I hate to tell you this." Gimli looked around at the orcs who had surrounded us, "Don�t give them any ideas."
Their frozen elf (aside from jaws and arm) was promptly dumped onto the ground as everyone took up arms against a sea of orcs which had suddenly surrounded them. Gimli growled angrily and the hobbit gulped. Legolas lay sprawled on the ground, "DON�T STEP ON ME!" He howled to Boromir, "Just wait until I can get my other arm un-spelled . . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"AHA!" Legolas waved his other hand�s fingers! "Un-spelled!"
"Maybe work on your legs." Adhara suggested, and the elf appeared to be concentrating intensely, as the orcs snapped their nasty little jaws and blinked their nasty little eyes. Sirius gulped. They were so little. Little in everything but numbers. Darn nab it.
"Mmm." The elf waved his arms as though a windmill and screamed, "MY ARMS WORK!"
"Good for you." Gandalf snarled, "We�re just a little surrounded here . . ."
"This is it!" Boromir hugged his shield, "I must shield my shield until the end!"
"Um, wouldn�t your shield shield you until the end?" Frodo suggested.
"No." Boromir sighed, "Though I buy it with great pain, I will risk no hurt to my shield."
"Oh gosh." Aragorn moaned, "I�m glad I bought life insurance!"
"Mmm . . . ." Gandalf was about to suggest something, when a horrific, deep roar came from an end of the cavern, the beast from which it came, preceded with a halo of golden light, "Look. Something�s coming."
"A herd of fireflies?" Boromir suggested, "Oh what was that saying . . ." He frowned, "The brighter the halo the larger the beast?"
"No, you twit-stick," A certain elf growled, "More or less like �The lower the growl the uglier the beast.�"
"Actually, I believe it is �the lower the growl, the larger the beast.�" Merry chimed in, "But then again, it could have been �the lower the growl, the hungrier the beast."
"Large and hungry." Legolas studied his fingernails (DEFINITELY needed a manicure), "Mmm."
"Another new devilry?" Boromir snarled, "Oh man, I�ve seen enough devilries to last me until I turn 2939!"
"Excuse me?" A certain elf snarled again, "I am not 2939! Definitely NOT that YOUNG!"
"Right. Mature." Sirius rolled his eyes, "SO mature."
"What is it?" Aragorn asked, and tapped Gandalf on the shoulder, "I do believe you know."
"Mmm." Gandalf had closed his eyes and looked as though severely concentrating. In truth, his eyeballs were beginning to hurt again. Ouch. Everyone stood (the elf sat) patiently as they waited for Gandalf to come to terms with what horrors his mind concocted.
"Maybe this would make a good haunted house." Boromir pointed out, looking around as the many orcs scurried out of there, "Are they afraid of us or they afraid of the big thing with the light?"
"Afraid of the stench of a certain man." As he could no longer make fun of Gimli, Legolas pointed to Aragorn, "When was the last time you showered?"
"Yesterday!" He roared, but then paused, "Okay, maybe the DAY before yesterday."
"Eww." The elf pinched his nose, "Yucky!"
"So," Boromir asked, "What is it?"
"I�m THINKING!" Gandalf groaned, "Let me think!"
"The wizard thinks?" Pippin asked, and was promptly clouted on the head with a staff, "Ouch."
"It is a . . ." The wizard paused for drama, "BAL � "
"OH! For Pity�s sakes! You had us worried," Boromir reached into a pocket a took out a Ping-Pong ball, "I have one. What�s so horrible about balls?"
"�ROG." Gandalf finished.
"Rog?" The man wrinkled his nose, "What�s a ROG?"
"I wasn�t FINISHED before you INTERRUPTED!" The wizard snarled, "Put them together!"
"ROGBAL." Boromir scratched his head, "That is folly! I�ve never heard of it!"
"Maybe it�s sort of like a cheese ball, except made of Rog." Adhara suggested with a shrug.
"Or maybe it�s a new type of ball under a trademark." Sirius was drooling all over the place again.
"You put it together WRONG!" The wizard screamed, "WRONG!"
"WRONGROGBAL." Boromir looked so confused, "ROGBALLWRONG?"
"IDIOTS!" Gandalf roared, "Balrog!"
"WHAT?" All four hobbits chorused, "Is a BALROG?"
"Balrog?" A certain small voice asked, "Not a balrog!"
"Legolas, I didn�t know you were afraid of cows." Gimli snarled, "Balrog!"
"It�s not JUST a cow," The elf whimpered, "I�m allergic to balrogs! If I get close to one, I get these itchy spots all over my arms and . . ." Legolas stuck his arm out, "See?"
"Goosebumps." Sirius noted, "Mmm."
"No!" Legolas gasped, "They are Balrog-bumps!"
"101 Aliments of Our Elf." Adhara rolled her eyes, "Right."
"And I suffer from . . ." Legolas paused for a second, "Troll-bumps, cave-bumps, wolf-bumps, dark-bumps, dwarf-bumps, split-end-bumps . . ."
"SPLIT-END BUMPS?" Boromir sighed, "NOW THAT IS FOLLY!"
"Excuse me?" Their elf stuck his nose into the air, "Yeah right! And not to mention drum-bumps." And as soon as that was out of Legolas�s mouth, doom-doom came sounding once again, and he gulped. "Drums. Bumps. I�ll probably get bump-bumps."
"BUMP-BUMPS?" Boromir roared angrily, "Why are we worried about BUMPS when we could go and get some balrog for dinner?"
"OOH!" The hobbits squealed, "DINNER!"
"It is a demon of the ventured world." Gandalf continued, eyes closed, "Mmm."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Aragorn drew his sword and was careful to keep the nick away from Boromir, "Let�s go hunt some Balrog!" And with a wild war cry, he, Boromir and the four hobbits ran screaming to the far side of the room.
"Wait a sec!" Gandalf roared, and all six companions froze in mid-stride, "This foe is beyond any of you!"
"Is that a CHALLENGE?" Aragorn roared, and turned to Boromir.
"NO!" Boromir screeched, "It is FOLLY!"
"It�s not a challenge or a folly!" Gandalf had reached them by this time and grabbed all four hobbits (somehow), dragging them away, "Do you even know what it is? Shadow and flame!"
"Not good for eating." Aragorn frowned, as did Boromir, "This is an unforeseen technical difficulty."
"Hmm." Boromir nodded, "What were you saying about it?"
"It is beyond ANY of you!" Gandalf panted slightly (he was getting rather old), and that caught (unfortunately), Legolas�s attention, "And that INCLUDES the ELF!"
"What are you proposing?" Legolas frowned.
"Fly!" Gandalf snarled, "Run!"
"I can�t." The elf snarled, "I�m stuck."
"It�s all right." Boromir made a move to carry their elf, but it struck out with him with teeth and what was left of his nails, "WHOA! Have YOU had your SHOTS?"
"I�m not going to be CARRIED like a sack of POTATOES." Legolas snarled, "I�m staying right here! And I�m going to slay the balrog!"
"Suit yourself." Gandalf sighed, "But the balrog is going to come and CRUSH YOUR PRETTY NOSE TO LITTLE PIECES if we�re not out of here within the next THREE SECONDS!"
"Really?" Legolas�s eyes widened, and clasped his fingers over his nose, "NO!"
"Well . . ." The wizard left the elf to figure that out for himself, grabbed Frodo�s arm and motioned forwards, "Let�s get going!"
"I�ll hoist you." Boromir tried again to reach the elf, but once again, Legolas�s wild side took hold and the elf attacked furiously with teeth and nails, "WHOA!" The man gulped and looked at a scrape, "You�re not rabid or anything, are you?"
"No!" The elf hissed, "I�m not placing my nose in the hands of a MAN!"
"Well, then," Boromir sighed, "I�d best be going and you�ll be stuck here!" He paused, "Maybe Aragorn could carry you, then."
"NO!" Legolas snarled, "I can carry myself! Elves run faster then men!"
"Only if their legs weren�t stiffed with spell." Adhara provided. "Right?"
"Who said elves had to run with LEGS?" Legolas goggled at her, "WE HAVE WAYS!" He wave a fair hand, "Go on. I will be joining you shortly."
All rolling their eyes at the elf�s stupidity, the Fellowship ran on, following Gandalf until about five minutes later, Boromir�s eyes began to tear. "Oh!"
"Oh what?" Aragorn looked down at his sword and saw that the nick was facing away from them, "What�s wrong?"
"The elf didn�t want me to carry him in fear that it would slow me down!" Boromir began to openly bawl, "He was so brave! Sacrificing himself!"
"That sounds more like a cowboy then our elf." Aragorn growled, but Boromir kept on weeping very loudly, and Frodo, who was running behind him, was constantly bombarded with a shower of tears (and was getting very wet).
"And we left him to be eaten by shadow and flame!" Boromir continued, screaming with anguish, "How could we have?"
"Because it would have bitten you to shreds otherwise." Aragorn glared, "Just shut up and keep on running!"
"You are so cruel! Coldhearted!" Boromir growled, "How could you saw that about our favorite elf of the Fellowship?"
"He�s our only elf in the Fellowship." Aragorn snarled.
"You are the cruelest MAN in the Fellowship!" Boromir wept, "It is so unfair!"
"We�ll it isn�t that hard since YOU are the only other one!" Aragorn growled right back, "Where are we going anyway?"
"I don�t know." Gandalf admitted, "I had hoped that we would find the door."
"Wait." Aragorn gulped, "YOU MEAN WE HAVE BEEN RUNNING IN CIRCLES?"
"Not quite." The wizard frowned, "Maybe ovals."
"Oh gosh." The Ranger sighed, "This is the last time I�m traveling with amateurs!"
"Look!" Boromir pointed to something behind them, a blur of white, "It�s a bird!"
"There are no birds in Moria!" Gimli gulped, and then gasped, "It�s a plane!"
"Planes aren�t invented yet!" Sirius growled, frowning, "It�s LEGOLAS!"
And indeed, it was their brave and valiant elf, running towards them at full speed, so fast, that the ground upon which he tread burst into brilliant blue flames. The entire Fellowship watched in amazement, their heads turned backwards, and running forwards, jaws dropped. They were so amazed that they failed to notice the wall until it was too late! CRUNCH! They all flew into the stone wall as one and landed in a gigantic heap of Men, hobbits, dwarf, dog, and a wizard.
"Ouch." Merry whimpered, "I think someone forgot to turn."
"Oh shut up." Gandalf bopped the hobbit on the head with a staff. "Shut up!"
Then, their elf drew close enough for all to finally see him. And indeed, he had not had the time to un-spell his legs, but he was still running, and running, white toga flapping in the breeze. "He�s not HOPPING now is he?" Adhara sighed, but their elf wasn�t. He was running. Limbs churning, he finally caught up to them, and was not even out of breath.
"How did you do that?" Aragorn gasped, "Run as fast as man without use of legs?�
"Mmm." Legolas was upside down at the time and glared at them all.
"Why are you upside down?" The hobbits asked, "And standing on your hands?"
"Because I couldn�t run any other way you idiots." The elf growled, "Run with my hands. We do it all the time in Mirkwood."
"Right." Boromir whistled, "Now THAT is NOT folly!"
"Now can we get moving?" Legolas asked, "The Bridge of Khazad-dum is THAT way and the wizard has been saying it wrong. Khaza-dum my foot. That�s not how you say it. You�re missing a �d.�"
Thus, with the elf leading the way (on his hands), the Fellowship left the dwarf city behind them for good, although a wrinkly gray thing with an arrow still in its head, was following.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~