"I don�t do my own garbage." Heath grumbled rolling his eyes, and elbowed Orli (he was so surprised he nearly went sliding across the deck), "My little British bud here can do it."
"Mmm." Elsie muttered, "This is so embarrassing!"
"Actually," I frowned, "I�ll take it as a personal insult."
"I�ll take it as an insult!" Orli snapped, "Why are you FOLLOWING us with googly-eyes anyway?"
"No one is going to follow you around for a pair of big googly eyes." I snapped back, "I merely wanted it cleared up with you that I am not a bag lady!" Seizing the opportunity I quickly supplied a, "There�s only one way to clear this up. Representative of my friends, I give you this challenge!" Zoe gave me a horrified look. "Tonight, after dinner, we will have a sing-off on the karaoke and we�ll see who is the righteous then!"
"But Glor!" Elsie protested, "You have no karaoke experience!" Zoe looked ready to bite off a few nails, and Elsie continued, "And what about my previous engagement tonight?"
"Your previous engagement?" Both Heath and Orli hid their surprise behind hasty coughs, "You have a previous engagement?" Obviously no one had bothered to tell them that the universe did not evolve around their belly-buttons.
"Yes," She replied tartly, "I was going to have a phone conference. With a very dear MALE friend of mine." Elf had wandered over and was now drooling on Orlando�s shoes. He did not notice. I loosened the leash in my hand slightly.
"Mmm." I avoided looking down at the dog, who had now wandered over to Heath, "Let�s say seven-ish?"
"Are we just really bored or something?" Heath asked suddenly, "We were actually getting some excitement into Orli�s trip with the car crash and everything, but now, we�re seeing who is better at karaoke?"
"We are not bored." Zoe snapped, "I still haven�t checked out the lend-a-library yet!"
"And I haven�t made lifeboat inspections!" I chimed in, "After all, I have had an interest in Titanic since grade 3 and wouldn�t like to go down with this hunk of tin!" Elsie gave me a weird look.
"Actually, it is not tin. But a low density steel alloy." We all turned to see none but our favorite physics teacher who had not been able to change his cruise reservation, decked out in some tropical looking shorts and a very ugly blue and orange splotched over-sized t-shirt, "What are you five doing? Up to no good?"
"Of course we are." I replied tartly, "When are we ever up to any good?"
"Mmm." DeGroot narrowed his eyes and stared at us, "You two," he motioned to Heath and Orli with a large orange beach bag he had swung about one arm, and wiggled his toes in his pink flip-flops, "It is a little chilly out here."
"For that gear, yes," Heath answered back, "I have sandals too." He motioned downwards, "But I had felt a slight chill moment�s before, but now, I find my toes quite warm."
"That would be because a dog is drooling on them." DeGroot answered without a trace of a smile. Before Heath could scream at Elf, DeGroot turned on heel and walked back down the corridor, nose stuck into the air and flip-flops flip-flopping.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Heath screeched at the top of his lungs as he jumped back from my drooling dog, grabbing onto Orli�s neck as he went. Both of them collapsed onto the deck with a huge THUNK, Orli�s specs going flying overboard and Heath landing on his buddy, "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!"
"That is my dog." I answered with a straight face, "Animalia Cordata Mammilla Carnivorae Canidae Canius Familarius, if you must know."
"Right." Orli pulled himself out from under Heath, straightened his very British green sweater and rushed to the railing, grasping it with white knuckles, and glanced down at the sea. "MY SHADES!"
"Ouch." Heath picked himself up and whipped out a large fistfuls of Kleenex from a large and deep pocket, wiping at his toes, "That hurt."
"Elf likes to drool," I patted my dog fondly on the head and he closed his mouth, but not before letting his pink tongue flop around some more, sending a final spot of drool onto the deck, "Oftentimes." Heath gave me a mean look and Zoe looked ready to sink through the white boards beneath our feet. I gave them a little smile, "Now if you gentlemen will be so kind as to excuse me, I will be able to take Elf for a little walk. If he does not, he unleashes some other substances that are quite a bit more . . ." I lowered my voice, "Controversial than drool."
"Note to self," Heath rolled his eyes, "Never get big slobbery mutt."
"Note to self," Orlando screeched, "Never let Aussies near new shades."
"Note to self," His buddy frowned, "Never let Brit be near big slobbery mutt."
"He�s not a mutt." I snapped back angrily, "I have papers for him!" As if on cue, Elf growled and if I had not pulled him out of there, I think that Zoe would have pitched him into the sea. "Come along, Elf." The dog followed quietly, tongue hanging about again.
"This is fun!" Orli suddenly exclaimed looking about, "Heath, you never told me that you Aussies were quite the bunch . . . oh, china plates did you call them?"
"CHINA?" Heath sputtered, "THEM? Tupperware more like it!"
"EXCUSE ME?!" I growled, "I AM NOT A BAG LADY! AND I AM NOT MADE OF PLASTIC!"
"Canadian! CANADIAN!" The Australian gasped, "Alright! Note to self, leave Canadians alone!"
"Canadian bag ladies!" Orli added, "Oh Heath! Gosh! Now what am I going to show you once we get to London next year?"
"Anything!" Heath gasped, "Just keep me away from BAG LADIES and DOGS!" He paused as Orli collapsed into fits of laugher and Heath spotted some strings of drool hanging off his slacks, "Oh shut up!" Heath paused for another moment, "I wouldn�t laugh just yet, Brit, just look at your shoesies!"
"They�re wet." Orli noted dryly, "Very wet." He looked up, and gave us a dirty look, "You don�t suppose it�s the fresh spray of the sea, now do you?"
"Yes." I snapped, "Eau du Dog Drool, if you must."
"Ooh." Zoe moaned, once we were around a corner and out of earshot, "That was so embarrassing!"
"It�s hardly MY fault Elf decided to drool all over them, THEY were in the way!" I sputtered, as Elsie led the way to a nice empty patio table by the pool were individuals were already in the water, the fresh sea breeze quite refreshing. "I�m ready for some breakfast!" Elf, who was normally pretty quiet, was his usual self, lying out on the deck, nose tucked between paws and tongue dangling out of jaws.
A series of exactly two days had elapsed since I had set foot on dry ground, although there was going to be a stop tomorrow. I was quite looking forward to it, in fact. Little Indonesian port. Big mega souvenirs! The first night, Elf had misplaced his sea-legs and was stumbling around a bit, but now, seemed to be quite at home on the boat. Well, hopefully, he would not be pitching around on firm land! Zoe was moaning about the ultimate embarrassment I caused just a few moments ago, but as my life motto, I tended to provide ultimate embarrassment. Just wait until tonight, Zoe, I�ll cook up some song you�ll be so embarrassed . . . I pondered for a moment whether �Row, Row, Row Your Boat� or �Do Your Ears Hang Low� would inflict more embarrassment.
"After that brief . . . safari hunt," Elsie coughed to show her point, "I am interested in some breakfast." As if on cue, a man stepped up to our table, and my friend quickly requested, "Coffee, one of each and maybe a spot of, let�s say, the breakfast food of the day."
"Um? Where am I supposed to get that?!" We all looked up, to see ultimate fury. "EXCUSE ME?"
"Ooh." Zoe moaned, "Not again!"
"Can�t I come up to say �good morning� to a few ex-students without getting ordered around?!" DeGroot snapped, stamping a flip-flopped foot on the deck, "I WON�T HAVE IT!"
"Now, now, dear," His wife came floating up behind him and started to drag DeGroot physically away, "Remember what the doctor ordered, a light STRESS FREE cruise . . ."
"Of course," DeGroot snarled, but let himself be led away as Elsie waved over a real waiter who had already guessed our request and slid plates of what I assumed was breakfast across the glass patio table. "Dear, why couldn�t we switch to another cruise line?"
"I told you," His wife, replied, leading him further from us, by the way of the pool, "Now that you�ve calmed down, we could go play some volleyball or something. Are you still up to that?"
"Of course!" DeGroot suddenly flung off his wife�s arm and flexed his arms, "I still have my volleyball coach phys-!" Before the rest of the word �physique� was out of his mouth, our dear ex-physics teacher found himself soaked from head to flip-flopped feet and dripping in pool water. Face beet red, he spun a 180 and roared at the top of his lungs, "DETENTION!"
"Sorry!" An equally red and slightly quivering Orli gulped nervously, doggy-paddling in the pool, "Just practicing some cannonballs!"
"I�LL GIVE YOU PROJECTILE!" With a mighty leap, DeGroot launched himself from the poolside so viciously, he left his flip-flops behind, and would have landed on our poor Brit acquaintance if his wife had not seized the collar of his shirt and tugged. DeGroot landed, sprawled on the deck, flip-flops flying. One of them flew across the entire cruise ship and fell overboard. The other caught Orli smack dab in the forehead before bouncing off into the pool. "MY FLIP-FLOPS!"
"Look out!" Heath, who had been watching the whole episode with amusement on the edge of the pool suddenly sprang into the air, "CANNONBALL!" And all intentions became reality as displaced water suddenly shot into the air in a terrific wave and of course, once again drenched DeGroot.
Unfortunately, it also caught his wife. Now, with an even more beet-red expression, she screeched at the top of her lungs, pushing at DeGroot, "GO GET THEM!"
"NOOOOO!" Orli screeched and hopped out the opposite side of the pool, "Where are my bodyguards when I need them?" Heath was very close behind him, but managed to grab a flip-flop from the water before running after his friend.
"NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU NOW!" DeGroot hollered and his bare feet slapped loudly against the deck, before he sped away, "GIVE ME BACK MY FLIP-FLOPS!"
"You go up!" Heath pushed Orli up a fleet of stairs and slid down the banister himself, toward the cabins, while his Brit counterpart leapt over a signed chain which read �Crew Only� and dove around a corner.
"You can run but you can�t hide!" DeGroot screeched on the brakes at the foot of the stairs and peeked around. "I�LL GET YOU BOTH!"
"How intriguing." I rolled my eyes and turned to my breakfast of pretty orange cantaloupe decorated with fresh kiwi slices and assorted tropical fruit, "Always a lively one, that DeGroot. Wild, almost." Elf whimpered under the table and I requested some bacon from our friendly waiter for him, and as though sensing it, the dog calmed and began drooling.
"Mmm." Elsie looked down at the dog, "So, about tonight, do you have a song in mind?"
"You�re the karaoke champ." I growled, "You pick."
"Not anything embarrassing!" Zoe flushed, and picked at the fruit, "Please!"
"Bacon?" We looked up (speedy service around here!) not to see our friendly waiter, but a rather pretty young waitress, not quite our age, with tanned features and a brilliant smile, and of course, Elf�s bacon on a tray. "Would that be all?" Elf barked happily. Smart dog.
With a small thanks, I took the plate and set it down on the deck for the dog (more kibbles later) and Elsie turned back to her breakfast, but Zoe laughed, "Jen! What are you doing here?! I thought you were attending university in Winnipeg!"
"Let�s just say, I needed a break." Jen rolled her eyes, and gave us a well practiced smile, "It was a surprise to see you here, though, I�d must admit. How is the cruise so far? The food?"
"Wonderful!" I laughed, "The best part is that it�s all you can eat!"
"Ah," Jen grinned, "Then you have not experienced our exclusive joint up on A deck. Very exclusive." She lowered her voice, "And very expensive."
"Oh no." I griped, "Not expensive!"
"Mmm." Picking up our finished breakfast plates (Elf had gobbled), Jen took her leave, "Well, it was nice seeing you here. I suppose I will see you around."
"No place else to go." I shrugged, "A deck, eh?"
"Yes." Jen replied crisply and turned to go, but quickly smiled again, "Did you know that . . . oh." Her face fell, "Never mind. We�re not supposed to talk about passengers."
"Heath and Orli?" Zoe asked, and her cousin nodded, "We have had a previous acquaintance with them. Unfortunately." Jen giggled and left us staring out onto the flat and open sea, the beautiful day quickly growing too warm for my Canadian sweater.
"Well, what shall we do today?" I asked, patting Elf on the head (he had relieved himself earlier in a potted plant on C deck), "I�m not sure about you, but I think I�d like to go and check out the postcards. Graham will probably want something from my trip."
"Mmm." Elsie rubbed her hands together and stared off at one of the ship�s officers which happened to walk by, "Nice hands."
"What?" Zoe asked, "Whose?"
"His." She motioned forth, "You must understand that hands are very important."
"Right." I left them to argue the finite details, and excused myself from the table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Postcards." I mumbled to myself, and found out that I had actually left the quaint little gift shop after purchasing not a dozen, but FIVE dozen different postcards. Wow. Talk about major spending blitz. But since it was an all-inclusive cruise (except for that mysterious little joint on A deck), all this spending was falling perfectly into my intended bracket. And to think you would take a cruise to get away from it all, but instead, I found a shopping mall in the liner, and found some perky pieces for my wardrobe.
Elf wasn�t exactly welcome, so I tied him up to a little rail post outside with a bowl of water in case he grew warm. He gave me a little mournful look until I promised to come back with a rawhide bone which I had hoped they sold here. Flipping through my stack of postcards and heading out the opposite way, I was quite surprised to hear someone calling to me. And they weren�t even using my name.
"Bag lady! Bag lady!" I turned around to find Orli and Heath, appearing warily from within a rack of hideous orange swimsuits, hissing to me, "Where is that killer man?"
"I don�t see him around." I looked over the tops of the racks, "What are you doing here?"
"What does it look like?" Heath snarled, "Hiding!"
"In orange swimsuits?" I frowned, "Why didn�t you go back to your cabin or something?"
"Oh gosh." Orli glared at Heath, "It was his idea!"
"It was not!" Health snarled right back, "I wanted the purple swimsuits!"
"What are you doing here?" They suddenly demanded, "Are you spying on us again?"
"I am buying POSTCARDS," I flipped them about, "SEE?"
"Wow." Orli gulped, "That many? And I thought that I had a lot of fans!"
"They�re not for FANS." I snarled bitterly, "They are for my friends! I have some of those!"
"Oh." They both fell silent, and Orli crept out of the rack, "Okay, we�re going back to the cabin, Heath!"
"Of course!" Together, they jumped back into the circular rack of swimsuits and began edging themselves (and the rack) towards the door. Luckily, there were wheels. At the cash, the cashier gave them (or the rack) a very dangerous look. Orli stuck out a hand and slapped a gold Visa on the table, "Put it on my tab!"
"Fifty two orange swimsuits," The cashier rolled her eyes, but didn�t care as Orli quickly signed the little bill and the two wheeled the rack, and themselves, out of the store. She turned to me, "What a bunch of idiots."
"Tell me about it." I laughed, and lightly browsed about the store, found what I had been looking for and paid for my purchases, "Raw hide bone in the shape of a cruise ship. What will they think up next?"
"Oh, we also sell it in the shape of the captain or a tropical island," The cashier did not miss a beat, "Were you interested in those too?"
"Not today." I frowned and wondered if Elf would have preferred to chew up a captain, "Do you know any good karaoke songs?"
"Depends on what you like," She crisply replied, "We have on sale a rack of postcards, you may want to take a look at."
"Already did." I lifted my big bag from the other store, "Five dozen."
"Ah." The cashier smiled her plastic smile, "Have a good day."
"I think I will." Thinking to place everything in my cabin, I started along the sunlit mall decks to where I had tied up Elf but was stopped in my tracks by a very interesting object trying their darn hardest to board an elevator. Obviously, they were too round. It was a rack of swinging orange bathing suits. I took a deep breath, "Orlando, Heath, do you need any help." It was not a question.
"Oh, bag lady again!" Orli snapped and stuck his head out between two swimsuits, "We tried the stairs, but that obviously didn�t work! Help!"
"Hmm." I looked at the rack. It was adjustable. With a twist of a knob or two, both Orli and Heath boarded the elevator and Heath yelled his thanks. "No problem. Anytime." I replied blandly, "Yep. Weirdo�s."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You won�t believe this!" Elsie screeched as I walked into our cabin, after a day of exploring the bowels of the ship (before they threw Elf and I out of the engine room), "They�re all out of orange swimsuits! EVERY SINGLE SIZE! And I haven�t seen a single person walk around the ship with one!"
"I believe it." I flung my shopping bags onto the table and cringed as I heard the glass replica of the cruise ship I had bought shatter. Darn nab valuables! "Are you ready to do some karaoke?"
"Mmm." She grinned, "I can�t. I�m sorry. Conference tonight on phone, remember?"
"Right." I shrugged, and looked around, "Well, I�m just going to change and I�m off. Send Zoe my way, alright?"
"Yep." Elsie picked up her phone excitedly, willing it to ring. Elf lay on the ground, the cruise ship between his jaws now resembling a wooden lifeboat, "Had dinner yet?"
"Nope." I grinned and dug in my bags, "I found the perfect t-shirt today at the gift shop!"
"Let�s see." My friend raised an eyebrow and whistled approval as I unveiled a rather large white Lord of the Rings t-shirt complete with none other than our favorite elf Legolas stamped brightly across the front, "Anything on the back?"
"Logo. Not much else." I walked into my own cabin and looked at the t-shirt, "What I wouldn�t have given for one of these in high school!" Elf barked approval.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"LEEEEEAVIN� ON A JET PLANE!" Heath screeched horribly into the microphone, and Orli wasn�t much better, "DON�T KNO� WHEN I�LL BE BACK AGAIN!"
"Oh gosh." I sipped at the lemon water with the cute pink umbrella I had ordered, "They can�t sing worth a bent nail!" Zoe had not arrived and I supposed that our little surf buddies were practicing. "This is going to be so easy."
Suddenly, they spotted me, and stopped their racket, walking over. "Hey! Bag lady!" Heath grinned widely and looked none-too-bad as he wiped sweaty palms onto his dark t-shirt bearing a picture of Orli accepting an Oscar (best supporting actor, 2005) and Orli was wearing one of Heath accepting an Oscar (best supporting actor, 2004), paired with olive shorts and rather complicated looking leather sandals, "You have that dog of yours." Both of them removed their toes from Elf�s drooling range immediately.
"Mmm. Elf goes where I go." I announced, "You got back to your cabin, alright?"
"Yep." Heath grinned again and elbowed Orli (this time, he was ready for it and did not go flying), "Want an orange swimsuit? We have fifty two."
"I�ve heard." I turned back to my drink, "My counterpart has yet to arrive." Orli was staring at my t-shirt, "What?"
"I looked kinda good." Orli elbowed Heath who grunted, "Don�t you think?"
"No." Heath stared at Orli, "Let�s get something to drink. My throat is dry." He gave me a little look, "What will you and your buddy have?"
"Already got it," I sipped at my water again, "Elf�s fine."
"No, that buddy." Orli stifled a laugh behind a hand at Zoe�s horrified expression. "Good luck!" They scampered off, and I turned to face her.
"What is wrong?" I asked, pointedly, "You look like you have just seen a ghost."
"Did you look in a MIRROR before leaving?" Zoe moaned, "What is that you are WEARING?"
"A dark Lord of the Rings t-shirt. Cruise liner. On sale. $15.99." I gestured, "My regular pair of sandals. On sale. Winnipeg. $39.99. Khaki shorts. On sale. Edmonton. $9.99. Sweatshirt tied around waist, in case it gets cold. On sale. Calgary. $29.99. Oakley shades. On sale. Brandon. $79.99. Contacts. On sale. Edmonton. $92.99 for a year." I grinned, "Seeing you distressed. On sale. Right here. Priceless."
"You embarrass me with your casual attire!" Zoe moaned again and looked down at herself clad in a semi-formal light blue wardrobe, "How could you do this to me?"
"It�s not as if I�m wearing a parka, Zoe." I groaned, and the attendant in charge of the karaoke asked me if I wanted to sing through motions, "Mmm. Why not?" Receiving only piano and flute lessons, singing was definitely not my forte, but I took the mike with a steady hand, stepping onto the little platform before the screen, "May I request a tune, �Yesterday,� for my dear friends who have just found themselves in possession of fifty two orange swimsuits."
Everyone in attendance burst into laughter, and Orli grinned nervously fingering a soda as Heath waved a beer about, "Go BAG LADY!"
There was something about stage and drama I liked. Odd, as I hated to do things like this before Mr. Wilson� literary class . . . something about the fact Zoe wasn�t about to come up and yank me off as I was embarrassing her . . . Mmm . . . Stage and screen. I hardly needed the screened words and came off to applause, almost as great as Elsie�s the day before, dropping a little bow before retreating. Zoe grinned, rather pleased that she wouldn�t have to sing, "Mmm. Maybe that ugly t-shirt of yours is magical."
"Right." Orli and Heath waved to us before mounting the stage themselves, "Alright," Heath declared, "How about that tune we were singing earlier, for that wonderful person who knows how to adjust a swimsuit cart!" I grinned and Zoe gave me a bewildered look as our surf buds began their cat-screeching, "PROMIS� YOU�LL �AIT FOR ME!"
"Oh gosh." I moaned, "My poor ears!" Heath heard and gave me a dirty look. "Oh hurry up and leave on that jet plane!" Still, they came off to applause, and none other than our favorite off-duty waitress, Jen, quickly grabbed the mike. I clapped loudly before she began.
Zoe had selected a rather odd spot for us, in a little booth and she scooted over for me as Orli and Heath slipped into the spots opposite us. Heath cleared his throat, "Alright. What�s the prize going to be?"
"How about a nice dinner up at the joint on A deck?" I suggested randomly, "Losers foot the bill."
"Then that had better not be us." Zoe muttered under her breath, "Expensive and exclusive."
"Not for two Oscar winners, I�m sure." I elbowed her and she yelped, "Am I correct, gentlemen?"
"Alright, fine." Orli mused, "I�m not the greatest singer ever."
"LEAVIN� ON A JET PLANE!" I mimicked, "Honestly!"
"Have you taken singing lessons?" Heath asked, "At all, Bag Lady?"
"No." I grinned right back, "I do believe we won tonight. A bag lady�s revenge."
"Alright, alright!" Orli held up his hands, "How about this, last night of the cruise, dinner out? Stop over in Hong Kong tomorrow. You show us around."
"Been back twice since 85, Orli," I laughed, "Can�t do much showing." With a final sip, my drink was done. "I�ll call that a night. My dog is howling." On cue, Elf stopped drooling over Orli�s toes and barked happily, "See you around tomorrow."
"Sure thing, Bag Lady." Heath grinned, "Or maybe we should start calling you BL."
"Oh PLEASE." I rolled my eyes, "Celebrities are SO stupid."
As Zoe and I walked away from them, Orli yelped as Heath elbowed him and asked loudly, "DOES SHE MEAN US?!"