Good Morning:  It's Monday March 18, 2002!
First of all -- we missed some special birthdays last week when we were out of town.  We therefore now take the opportunity to wish a special (belated) happy birthday to:  CROSHER WHITEHEAD (03-14) and LEROY SEDGWICK (03-14)!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Grover Cleveland, 1837; Rudolf Deisel (German Inventor); Edward Everett Horton, 1887; Irving Wallace, 1916; George Plimpton, 1927; John Updike, 1932; Peter Graves, 1936; Wilson Pickett, 1941; Vanessa Williams, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1766 Great Britain repealed the Stamp Act.
On this date in 1865 the Congress of the Confederate States of America adjourned for the last time.
On this date in 1900 John Luther “Casey” Jones, Illinois Central engineer on the Chicago-New Orleans Run, was killed when his train crashed into another train.
On this date in 1931 the electric razor was first marketed by Schick.
On this date in 1936 Ruth Hughes Aarons of New York became the first American to win the women’s world table tennis title.
On this date in 1941 the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was formed.
On this date in 1944 alarm clocks – which had been virtually unobtainable in the United States since the outbreak of World War II – were again put on sale in Chicago.
On this date in 1965 Soviet Cosmonaut Alexei Leonov became the first man to walk in space.
On this date in 1989 Archaeologists discovered a 4,400-year-old mummy at the Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The most common name for a town in the United States is Fairview... When asked to name a color, the most common answer is "red"... The most common last initial in the United States is "z".
TRIVIA:  From which show in the late sixties was "Happy Days" a spinoff?
     "Through his mastery of storytelling techniques, he has managed to separate his character, in the public mind, from his actions as president.... He has, in short, mesmerized us with that steady gaze" (Jean Nathan Miller, about Ronald Reagan).
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend for an old favorite:   Obituary - Someone Else
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.  ~ Author Unknown
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A Friend
 
I had some free time, so what did I do?
I checked the computer to see if I'd heard from you!
I use to walk out to a box to retrieve mail.
But I'd rather get it instantly, than wait on the snail!

Checking my e-mail is always fun!
I usually get a joke or greeting from someone.
I feel so blessed because on the other end,
I know I've connected with a friend!

When I've had a hard day and need to share,
Here I can find a friend who will listen and care.
And to this friend I hope I've let them know
That I am always there for them also!
 
Isn't it a strange kind of bond we form?
It isn't exactly like the "norm"!
But where is it written, face to face we must be,
For you to be a very good friend to me??

That little joke or note, or just a simple "Hi",
Could be like a ray of sunshine from the sky!
So my E-Mail Pals, this is dedicated to you,
For all the smiles you have made anew!

May our friendship continue to grow,
And the warmth we feel continue to flow!
Always remember this...
A smile is such an easy thing to pass along the way,
Like a ray of summer sunshine,
On a somewhat gloomy day!!
 
*******************************************************
Thanks to MAK:  For those of us who want to know how to make Elephant Stew.....  or who have a lot of people to feed....
ELEPHANT STEW
 
1 elephant
250 lb. potatoes,peeled
200 lb. carrots,scrubbed
75 bunches celery
80 lb.onions,peeled
1 bushel peas,shelled
1,427 gal. brown gravy
salt and pepper to taste
(2 rabbits,optional)
 
Clean and skin elephant.   Discard trunk.  Cut into bite-sized pieces.  Cut potatoes, carrots, celery and onions to desired size.  This will take about three months unless one other person is helping, so have plenty of refrigerator space.  Start a bonfire under a very large stew pot. Add elephant to pot and brown. Add veggies and gravy.  Simmer for six days, add in salt, pepper and water as needed.  This will serve 3,800 people.  If more are expected to dinner, you may add the cleaned rabbits.  Only add rabbits if necessary, as some people don't like to find hare in their stew. (This is a great one pot meal for any dinner).
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Brother Strawn sent these in concerning the March 8 list -- as usual, his comments are right on the money --
"No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH"."
But the little boy said, "I can do it wunth.
The shortest sentence is when his mom says, "GO"
To which the little boy might say, "NO".
But, he answered his mom with glee,
When she asked, "who did it", he said, "ME".
Are they, or are they not full sentences?
And, does not wunth (once) rhyme with month?
"I do", is the longest sentence, if people really care. It is eventually a "death sentence". L.B.
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Quiz for smart people. The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."  SLOWLY Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the  elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous  actions.
3. The lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
(My answer to the first two questions was "cut them into small pieces and put them in. When I saw the drift of the answers I did answer the last question correctly. L.B.)
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  "Happy Days" began as a segment on the lighthearted romance anthology "Love, American Style" and then itself spun off "Lavern and Shirley", "Mork and Mindy" and "Joanie Loves Chachie."
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Tuesday March 19, 2002!
This is the day the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano, CA.
BIRTHDAYS:  William Bradford (Pilgrim father and governor of Plymouth Colony), 1590; William Jennings Bryan, 1860; Earl Warren, 1891; Irving Wallace, 1916; Ursula Andress, 1936; Glenn Close, 1947; Bruce Willis, 1955.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 721 B.C. the Babylonians became the first civilization to record a Lunar Eclipse.
On this date in 1831 the first bank robbery in the United States took place in New York.  The thief stole $250,000.
On this date in 1918 Congress authorized the "Time Zones" and approved Daylight Savings Time.
On this date in 1920 the U.S. Senate rejected American involvement in the League of Nations.
On this date in 1931 I bet you don't know that Nevada legalized gambling.
On this date in 1942 all American men between 45 and 64 were ordered to register for non-military duty.
On this date in 1975 Pennsylvania became the first state to invalidate laws that prohibited girls from competing with boys in high school sports.
In 1977 the final episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" aired.
On this date in 1979 the U.S. House of Representatives began televising its day-to-day activities.
On this date in 1991 the 5 millionth patent was issued.
On this date in 1995 Michael Jordan returned (after a short retirement and attempt at playing pro baseball) to play basketball for the Chicago Bulls.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The only mammal that can fly is the bat... Roadrunners are a member of the cuckoo family... A duck has three eyelids.  That way he can open it just a quack... (sorry).
TRIVIA:  The last name is Buonarroti.  What's the first name?  A - Madonna; B - Michelangelo; C - (Tiny) Tim; D - Favio.
     "Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice" (William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616).
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Aging Truths.....
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
----------------------------------------------
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker!
----------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
----------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
---------------------------------------------
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy, it is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say "WHOOPEE!"
----------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
---------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver  in your hair and most of all lead in the pants.
----------------------------------------------
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
----------------------------------------------
Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
----------------------------------------------
Yeah; being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and bald they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ... oh my goodness you forget to pull your zipper down!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Hillbilly Doctor Visit
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.  "He don't know nothing now."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Something To Think About
The old Indian chief sat in his reservation hut,  smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations. You have seen his wars and his products.  You have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering  recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man  gone wrong?
"The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver.  Women did most of the work.  Medicine man free. Indian men  hunted and  fished all the time"
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  B.
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Wednesday March 20, 2002!
It is the first day of Spring!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Henrik Ibsen, 1828; Bill Martin (children's author), 1916; Carl Reiner, 1922; Mitsumasa Anno (children's author and illustrator), 1926; Mr. Fred Rogers, 1928; Hal (Barney Miller) Linden, 1931; Lois Lowry (children's author), 1937; Jerry Reed, 1937; Pat Riley, 1945; Bobby Orr, 1948; William Hurt, 1950; Holly Hunter, 1958.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1751 King George III succeeded to the throne of England.  He was the one who thought he could push the colonists around, and learned that the Prime Ministers largely agreed with him.  Had he not acted as he did, we might all be British today...
On this date in 1852 "Uncle Tom's Cabin", by Harriet Beecher Stowe, was published.  The antislavery novel stirred deep discord among Northerners and Southerners alike before the Civil War.
On this date in 1883 black inventor Jan Matzelinger received a patent for his shoe-making machine.
On this date in 1914 the first International Figure Skating Championship was held in New Haven, Conn.
On this date in 1954 the very first newspaper vending machine was leased.
On this date in 1966 Soccer's World Cup was stolen.  A dog named Pickles discovered it in a garden a few days later.
On this date in 1969 Beatle John Lennon married Yoke Ono in Gibraltar.
On this date in 1978 Krystyna Chojnowska-Liskiewicz (now there ought to be a law against hyphenating two names like that...) became the first woman to sail around the world alone -- of whom we have a record, anyway.
It's National Agriculture Day...
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The first newspaper crossword puzzle, by Arthur Wynne, appeared in the "New York World" on December 21, 1913... The first supermarket was established in 1916 when Clarence Saunders set up shop with the Piggly Wiggly self-service food mart in Memphis, TN... The first chartered railroad in the U.S. was the Granite Railway which made its initial run from Quincey, MA to the Neponset River (a distance of 3 miles) on October 7, 1826.
TRIVIA:  Who am I?  I am a bird that can't fly.  I'm 8 feet tall.  I live and work and play in New York City.  My street address is 123 1/2.  And, although I am ageless, today is my birthday.
     "Music is the harmonious voice of creation; an echo of the invisible world" (Giuseppe Mazzini, 1805 - 1872).
*******************************************************
From our archive -- Thanks to JLLH:  Wet Rabbit
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and wets the carpet.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
*******************************************************
From our archive -- Thanks again to JLH:
A blind guy on a stool at the diner shouts to the cook, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.  Our cook is blonde, and the waiter is blonde.  I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. black belt and blonde.  The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" weighs 225 lb. and he's a rugby player and blonde.  The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler and blonde. Think about it mister, You still wanna tell that joke"?
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrat for an old favorite:  FUNNY?
Funny how we set our clocks to arise at 4:00a.m. or 5:00 a.m. to be at the job by 8:00a.m., yet when Sunday comes, we can't get to church by 11:00a.m. to praise the one who gave us the jobs!
Funny how we call God our Father and Jesus our brother, but find it hard to introduce them to our family.
Funny how small our sins seem, but how big "their" sins are.
Funny how we demand justice for others, but expect mercy from God.
Funny how much difficulty some have learning the gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is to understand and explain the latest gossip about someone else.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we are so quick to take directions from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
Funny how so many church goers sing "Standing on the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how people want God to answer their prayers, but refuse to listen to His counsel.
Funny how we sing about heaven, but live only for today.
Funny how people think they are going to Heaven but don't think there is a Hell.
Funny how it is okay to blame God for evil and suffering in the world, but it is not necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
Funny how when something goes wrong, we cry, "Lord, why me?" but when something goes right, we think, "Hey, it must be me!"
Oh wait...maybe all this isn't so "FUNNY" after all.
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  A LESSON FROM THE SNOW GOOSE
In the fall, when you see geese heading south for the winter ... or north in the spring.... flying in V formation ... you might consider what science has discovered as to why they fly that way:
As each bird flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in V formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.
When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag of resistance of trying to go it alone ... and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front of them. When a head goose gets tired, it rotates back in the wing... and another goose flies point. Geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep their speed.
Finally, and this is important ... when a goose gets sick, or is wounded by gunshots, and falls out of formation, two other geese fall out with the goose and follow it down to lend help and protection. They stay with the goose until it is able to fly or until it dies; and only then do they launch out on their own, or with another formation to catch up with their group.
If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stand by each other like that!
People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going more quickly and easily because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.
If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those who are headed the same way we are.
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  If you have someone in the house under the age of 6 they probably know (???) that I am Big Bird from Sesame Street.
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Thursday March 21, 2002!
Today is Children's Poetry Day!!!
Today is Fragrance Day!!! (I suppose we should all try to have a nice one about us...)
Today is World Poetry Day!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Johann Sebastian Bach, 1685; Benito Juarez (Mexican statesman), 1806; Florenz Ziegfeld, 1869; Phyllis McGinley (poet and children's author), 1905; John D. Rockefeller III, 1906; Cesar Chavez (Mexican-American labor leader), 1927; James Coco, 1929; Margaret Mahy (children's author), 1936; Timothy Dalton, 1946; Matthew Broderick, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1859 the Philadelphia Zoo -- the first zoo in the United States -- opened.
On this date in 1871 Henry M. Stanley left for Zanzibar to find Dr. David Livingstone.
On this date in 1891 a Hatfield and a McCoy were married, ending a lengthy West Virginia feud.
On this date in 1960 Police in Sharpeville, South Africa fired into a crowd of demonstrators, killing sixty-nine people and wounding hundreds of others.
On this date in 1963 the Alcatraz Penitentiary in San Francisco Bay was closed.
On this date in 1965 Martin Luther King, Jr. led a march from Selma to Montgomery, AL.
On this date in 1978 "Yankee Doodle" became the official State Song of Connecticut.
On this date in 1980 American speed skater Eric Heiden became the first Olympian to win five individual gold medals.
On this date in 1986 the Canadian paraplegic Rick Hansen began an around-the-world trek in his wheelchair.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  It took Rick Hansen over 2 years to push himself around the world in his wheelchair... His trip raised $7.5 million for spinal-cord-injury research and rehabilitation... Hansen averaged 60 miles per day.
TRIVIA:  The "holiday" No-ruz (celebrated today) is celebrated by what nation and for what?
     Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote --
The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
After all, it's World Poetry Day!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  NATURE'S WITNESS
 
Oh, nature, strong, serene and free,
Who made you thus---and who made me?
Thou, great Jehovah, above the blue,
All nature cries, " 'Twas you, 'twas you".

Brilliant lightning and thunder, strong,
With wondrous clouds, to you belong.
The ocean's tempest with wildest wave
Will, at your mighty voice, behave.

Highest mountain and smallest hill
Were made by Christ at your own will,
As well as all the universe
Which does, each day, thy praise rehearse.

All the stars, the moon the sun,
Jehovah, you, the mighty one,
Control the reaches of the sky;
Have made all things, e'en you and I.

By all that's mighty and just and true,
By all that's love and purity, too,
Whene'er I'm asked, "And who made you?"
I'll say, my God, " 'twas you, 'twas you".
 
    By L. B. Strawn
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  (NOTE:  The following IS NOT based on an actual visitation, but many congregations would do well to learn a lesson from it as an illustration.  ts)
COME AS YOU ARE ?
 
One Sunday Morning At Our Quite Ritzy Church
A Man Came In Just Minutes Before The Service
Was To Start. He Was Dressed Horribly.
He Had On Boots, Overalls, A Flannel Shirt,
And A Cowboy Hat.
The Entire Congregation Was Aghast !
Many Of Us Quickly Sent Notes To Our
Minister About Our Concern Of This.
After The Service Our Minister Greeted The
Humbly Dressed Man And Asked Him
If He Enjoyed The Service. The Man Exclaimed
He Had Enjoyed It Very Much.
The Minister Asked The Man To Consider
Possibly Dressing Differently, And Told Him To
Pray To JESUS About How HE Would Have Him
Dress If He Should Return Again.
The Next Week The Man Returned. He Was Dressed
The Same And Once Again The Congregation
Was Disturbed By This.
The Minister Greeted The Man Again And Asked
Him What He Had Been Told By JESUS
Concerning How To Dress For Church.
The Man Said, I Spoke To JESUS About This
But JESUS Said, " He Didn't Know How I Should
Dress Before Coming To This Church Because
HE HAS NEVER BEEN HERE. "
 
ANOTHER NOTE:  I was reared to believe that one ought to wear his/her best to the worship assemblies, and I continue to practice that.  However, what my best is may very well differ from that of another.  Remember to avoid judging books by the cover...  ts
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH:  The Dentist Appointment
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception  room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.  After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1944."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. 
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
*******************************************************
Thanks to JP: 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
*******************************************************
Thanks to BC for these --
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.
PRACTICE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS.
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  "No-ruz" is celebrated in Iran and signifies the first day of Spring.
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Friday March 22, 2002!
Today is National Goof Off Day -- that probably applies more to the retired and unemployed than the work
BIRTHDAYS:  Anthony Van Dyck (Flemish painter), 1599; Randolph Caldecott (English illustrator and painter), 1846; Chico Marx, 1891; Karl Malden, 1913; Marcel Marceau, 1923; Stephen Sondheim, 1930; William Shatner, 1931; May Britt, 1936; Andrew Lloyd Webber, 1948; Robert Quinlan (Bob Costas), 1952.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1621 Governor John Carver of the Plymouth colony and Native American Chief Massasiot entered into the first American non-aggression treaty.  As such agreements go, this one worked pretty well -- it lasted c. 50 years.
On this date in 1733 Joseph Priestly was credited with the invention of carbonated water.
On this date in 1765 the English Parliament passed the Stamp Act to raise revenue in the American colonies.  It was intended to defray the costs of maintaining the royal troops here -- it didn't turn out just exactly they way they hoped it might...
On this date in 1882 the Edwards Act, which outlawed polygamy, was adopted.
On this date in 1894 the first Stanley Cup hockey game was played.
On this date in 1898 J.W. Smith (no relation to your editor, well, at least I don't think so...) patented the Lawn Sprinkler.
On this date in 1945 Islamic nations in the Near and Middle East formally united as the Arab League.
On this date in 1967 Muhammad Ali was stripped of his heavyweight title by the World Boxing Association for refusing military induction.
On this date in 1972 the Senate passed the Equal Rights Amendment, sending it to the states for ratification. 
On this date in 1980 the Great American Flag -- the largest flag ever made -- was displayed in Evansville, Indiana.  It weighed 7.7 tons and measured 411 X 219 feet.
On this date in 1982 the U.S. space shuttle COLUMBIA lifted off for its third voyage into space.
On this date in 1990 the first President Bush publicly declared that he wouldn't eat broccoli.  I remember the joy some newscasters (?) took in ridiculing his announcement, and I also remember the absence of such ridicule when other political leaders advocated such policies as lead to the death of unborn babies etc.  I would rather have a living baby who won't eat broccoli than no baby at all...
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Gene Conlen is the only athlete to play on world championship teams in both major league baseball and in pro basketball... Transsexual Renee Richards (nee Richard Raskind) is the only tennis player to compete in both the men's and women's singles at the U.S. Open... Tom Brown was the only person ever to play in both the Super Bowl and a major league baseball game.
TRIVIA:  In the Bible, what king had his thumbs and great toes cut off for having thus treated seventy captive kings?
     "Life is wonderful.  Without it you'd be dead" (Anonymous).
*******************************************************
Dr. Seuss had a birthday earlier this month, so here are some quotes from his body of work --
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.
     - The Lorax
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
A kid is a guy I never wrote down to. He's interested in what I say if I make it interesting.
You [an aspiring writer] can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room. - Theodore Seuss Geisel, 1904 - 1991
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  SCANDAL IN THE WHITE HOUSE
Certainly there is a political dimension here. Enron's chairman did meet with the president and the vice president in the Oval Office.
Enron gave $420,000 to the president's party over three years. It donated $100,000 to the president's inauguration festivities. The Enron chairman stayed at the White House 11 times. The corporation had access to the administration at its highest levels and even enlisted the Commerce and State Departments to grease deals for it. The taxpayer-supported Export-Import Bank subsidized Enron for more than $600 million in just one transaction.
BUT...the president under whom all this happened wasn't George W. Bush. It was William Jefferson Clinton
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats --
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned.... a kid in Arizona wrote the NEW School prayer.  I liked it....
 
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take! 

Amen
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS
This is pretty neat how it works out.  DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752.... If you haven't, add 1751 ..........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number .....
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ........... YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2002) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
*******************************************************
Thanks to BC:  YOU CAN'T LEARN PEACE IF THERE IS NO WAR
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  Adoni-bezek (Judges 1:6-7) -- "But Adoni-bezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and great toes.  And Adoni-bezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table:  as I have done, so God hath requited me.  And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died."
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Saturday March 23, 2002!
Today is "Near Miss Day".  In 1989 an asteroid passed within a half million miles of Earth, a very near miss by cosmic standards.  NASA estimated that had it collided with the planet, it would have released the energy of 40,000 bombs.
BIRTHDAYS:  Fannie Farmer (American cookbook author who established standardized cooking measurements), 1857; Joan Crawford, 1908; Akira Kurosawa (Japanese film director), 1910; Wernher Von Braun (German-American engineer and rocket pioneer), 1912; Roger Bannister, 1929; Yvette Marie Stevens (Chaka Khan), 1953; Moses Malone, 1954; Teresa Ganzel, 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1775 at a revolutionary meeting in Richmond, VA, Patrick Henry spoke the words, "Give me liberty or give me death."    Henry was a happy man, as eventually he got both...
On this date in 1840 the first known photograph of the moon was taken -- from the earth, of course...
On this date in 1857 the first passenger elevator was installed in a New York City department store.
On this date in 1903 the Wright brothers applied for a patent for the airplane.
On this date in 1940 the first dated edition of Maimonides' MISHNA TORAH was published.
On this date in 1942 the U.S. Army moved Japanese-Americans to interment camps because, it was said, people feared a potential conspiracy on the part of ethnic peoples...
On this date in 1950 the World Meteorological Organization was established to coordinate weather data.
On this date in 1964 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., said:  "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
On this date in 1965 the Gemini 3 mission began.  It marked the first time a two-man American space team was sent into orbit.
On this date in 1978 the U.S. Senate raised the retirement age to seventy.
On this date in 1980 Katsumi Suzuki set a record for nonstop rope jumping without a miss -- 9 hours 46 minutes -- in Saitama, Japan.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  "Spats" is short for spatterdashes... The act of snapping your fingers is called "fillip"... A philobat is a lover of roller coasters.
TRIVIA:  Most people remember Patrick Henry's famous statement (Give me liberty or give me death), but what was the question that preceded the statement?
     Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote --
Let us then, be up and doing.
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
*******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to DS:  You Might Be A Preacher If... (edited)
1. You might be a preacher if people leave while you are talking.
3. You might be a preacher if you've ever wanted to wish the people a "Merry Christmas" on Easter, because that is the next time you will see them.
4. You might be a preacher is you've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregational search committee.
5. You might be a preacher if you scan the help-wanted ads and resign in your mind on Monday mornings.
6. You might be a preacher if you'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
7. You might be a preacher if your boss won't give you Sundays off.
8. You might be a preacher if you have ever had a personality conflict with an elder - you had one and he didn't.
9. You might be a preacher if you heard one of your elders praying, "Lord, you keep him humble and we will keep him poor."
10. You might be a preacher if you have ever received an anonymous phone call.
11. You might be a preacher if you have never been ashamed of the Gospel, but have been occasionally of your church.
12. You might be a preacher if your phone occasionally rings at 3 or 4 AM in the morning.
13. You might be a preacher if everyone expects perfection out of you, when they know themselves that no human is perfect.
14. You might be a preacher if you get blamed for anything that goes wrong in the church.
15. You may be a preacher if when you have given a stinging rebuke at sin, the person involved begins to look at the ceiling, the floor, or else try to "stare you down."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM:  Man in Theater
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."  The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM for an old favorite -- FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yelled at Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
“Great, call the fbi back and tell them that there is cocaine in my garden. It needs to be plowed :) "
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM:  Nice Lady and the BC
There was a nice lady who was a little old-fashioned. She was planning a weeks vacation in Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first.
Upper most in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "Bathroom Commode" but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward so she wrote the letter to the campground and referred to the bathroom as the "B.C."
"Does the campground have its own "B.C."? Is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism so he showed the letter around to several campers, but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner figured she must be referring to the location of the local Baptist Church, so he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing that a B.C. is located nine miles North of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded, we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part.
Sincerely,
The Camp Director
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  The question was, "Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?"
*******************************************************


Good Morning:  It's Sunday March 24, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS:  John Wesley Powell (American geologist, anthropologist, and explorer), 1834; Financier Andrew Mellon, 1885; Harry Houdini, 1874; Fatty Arbuckle, 1887; Ub Iwerks (film animator who drew Mickey Mouse), 1901; Thomas E. Dewey, 1902; Mary Stolz (children's author), 1920; Bill Cleaver (children's author), 1920;  Norman (Mr. Roper) Fell, 1924; Steve McQueen, 1930; Bob Mackie, 1940.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1603 the crowns of England and Scotland were joined.  Scotland's King James VI awoke to the surprising news that he was no longer King of Scotland; he was the king of both England and Scotland.  Sixty hours after Queen Elizabeth I's death, Sir Robert Carey brought the message to James in Edinburgh.  He was so excited that he knighted three hundred new Scottish and English lords on his way to attend his coronation in London as King James I.
On this date in 1644 a charter was given to Roger Williams for the colony of Rhode Island.
On this date in 1882 German physician Robert Koch announced the discovery of the bacillus that causes tuberculosis. 
On this date in 1898 the first American-made car was sold.
On this date in 1900 ground was broken for the New York City Subway system.
On this date in 1945 Sylvester the cat first appeared in a cartoon.
On this date in 1958 Elvis got his sideburns chopped and his head shaved as he gave a two-year command performance for Uncle Sam.
On this date in 1958 also CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF opened on Broadway.
On this date in 1964 The John F. Kennedy half-dollar was issued.
On this date in 1965 Martin Luther King, Jr. and several civil rights supporters finished what was styled a "Freedom March" from Selma to Montgomery, AL.
On this date in 1965 Senator Robert F. Kennedy reached the summit of the highest unclimbed mountain in North America -- in Canada's Yukon Territory.  For more information, see the trivia question below.
On this date in 1988 Pole-sitter Mellissa Sanders established a world record for pole-sitting.  She had begun her quest on October 26, 1986.
On this date in 1989 the tanker Exxon Valdez spilled over 11 million gallons of crude oil off the coast of Alaska.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Lewis Carroll wrote "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" standing up... T.S. Eliot's initials stand for Thomas Stearns... Henry David Thoreau's last words, uttered on May 6, 1862 were "Moose, Indian".  Their meaning is unknown.

TRIVIA:  What Canadian mountain did Robert Kennedy climb, why did he climb it, and what did he do when he got to the top?

     Another Henry Wadsworth Longfellow quote --
Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

*******************************************************
From our archive -- HAVING ANOTHER BAD DAY? Just remember, it could be worse.....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him          constantly and study his reactions. After 2 weeks of nagging, he attacked her with a shovel and left her    mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.  Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
And finally....... 4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return    to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
    Today's not so bad, is it.????????
*******************************************************
Thanks to CRJ for sending this anonymous piece in:  Let's not offend anyone
To ensure we Americans never offend anyone -- particularly fanatics intent on killing us -- airport screeners are not allowed to profile people.  They will, however, continue to perform random searches of  80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security  detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test...
In 1972, 11 Israeli athletes  were  killed at the Munich Olympics by:
(a) Grandma Moses; (b) The  night cleaning crew at Rockefeller Center; (c) Invaders from Mars; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and  40.
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a)  Norwegians from the Lichen Herbarium of the University of Oslo; (b)  Elvis; (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the  U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery  boy; (b) Crazed feminists complaining that having to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius in basic training was an unfair and sexist job requirement; (c) Geraldo  Rivera making up for a slow news day; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly  between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was  bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather  2";
(b) The Tooth Fairy; (c) Butch and Sundance, who had a few sticks of  dynamite left over from their train mission; or, (d)  Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
 In  1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) The entire cast of  "Cats"; (b) Martha Stewart; (c) Cheese-crazed tourists from Wisconsin; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and  40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania  a  were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers; (b) Hillary, to distract attention from  Wild Bill's women problems; (c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
On  9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wil  E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd. (b) The US Supreme Court, (c) Barney; or (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and  40.
 Hmmm...nope, ain't  no patterns here.  Why would they  ever even think about profiling.
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  Robert Kennedy was motivated to climb (1) Canada's Mount Kennedy (2) because it was named for his brother, President John F. Kennedy.  (3) When he reached the summit, he buried a U.S. flag bordered in black along with a copy of his brother's inaugural speech.  The speech contained these words:  "...ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country."
*******************************************************




Good Morning:  It's Monday March 25, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS:  Arturo Toscanini, 1867; Gutzon Borglum, 1871; Bela Bartok (Hungarian composer), 1881; David Lean, 1908; Howard Cosell, 1920; Gloria Steinem, 1935; Anita Bryant, 1940; Aretha Franklin, 1942; Paul Michael Glaser, 1943; Reginald Kenneth Dwight (Elton John), 1947; Debi Thomas (American figure skater), 1967.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1634 English colonists first arrived in Maryland.
On this date in 1665 the first recorded horse race in America took place in Hempstead, N.Y.
On this date in 1775 George Washington planted pecan trees -- gifts from Thomas Jefferson -- at Mount Vernon.
On this date in 1776 The Continental Congress gave its first medal to George Washington.
On this date in 1821 Greek patriots led an uprising against the Ottoman Empire.  Alexander Ypsilantis and other members of the "Friendly Brotherhood", according to tradition, crossed the Pruth River in Moldavia and were defeated by a strong military defense force.  But the incident triggered a number of anti-Ottoman revolts in the Peloponnese and on several islands.  After 9 long years of revolution, Greece won its freedom as a sovereign nation.
On this date in 1882 pancakes were first made in New York City.
On this date in 1913 a fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory caused 145 deaths (only 13 girls survived).
On this date in 1954 the NBC peacock got a feather in its cap when RCA began manufacturing color television sets.
On this date in 1982 the Canada Act was signed.
Today is Global Understanding Day.
Today is Greek Independence Day.
Today is Pecan Day.
Today is Waffle Day (Sweden).
March is Let's Go Fly A Kite month.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  It was birthday boy, Gutzon Borglum, who created the Mount Rushmore display in South Dakota... Its rock stars are George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln.  Their four carved faces, from head to chin, each measure 60 feet.  If they were given proportionately-sized bodies, they would be almost 500 feet tall... Mount Rushmore took 14 years to complete.
TRIVIA:  The faces of what four U.S. Presidents appear on Mount Rushmore?
     Another Henry Wadsworth Longfellow quote --
The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
*******************************************************
From our archive -- Thanks to a friend:  Little Things
 
Too often we don't realize
what we have until it is gone;
Too often we wait too late to say
"I'm sorry - I was wrong."

Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones
we hold dearest to our hearts;
And we allow foolish things
to tear our lives apart.

Far too many times we let
unimportant things into our minds;
And then it's usually too late
to see what made us blind.

So be sure that you let people know
how much they mean to you;
Take that time to say the words
before your time is through.

Be sure that you appreciate
everything you've got
And be thankful for the
Little things in life
that mean a lot.
 
*******************************************************
From GCFL -- Brave Captain
Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:  Secret
A woman named Jane once knew a young person at church named Debbie.
Debbie always seemed effervescent and happy, although Jane knew she had faced struggles in her life.  Her long-awaited marriage had quickly ended in divorce.  She had struggled to get a grip on her single life.  She hadn't chosen it, but she decided she would live it with utmost enjoyment and satisfaction.
Debbie was active in Sunday school, in the choir, as a leader of the Junior High girls' group, and in the church renewal movement. Jane enjoyed knowing Debbie.  Debbie's whole face seemed to smile and She always greeted Jane with a hug.
One day Jane asked Debbie, "How is it that you are always so happy?  You have so much energy, and you never seem to get down?"
With her eyes smiling, Debbie said, "I know the secret!"
"What secret is that?  What are you talking about?" Jane asked.
Debbie replied, "I'll tell you all about it, but you have to promise to share the 'secret' with others." Jane agreed, "Okay, now what is it?"
"The secret is this: I have learned there is little I can do in my life that will make me truly happy.  I must depend on God to make me happy and meet my needs.  When a need arises in my life, I have to trust God to supply according to HIS riches.  I have learned most of the time I don't need half of what I think I do.  HE has never let me down.  Since I learned that secret, I am happy."
Jane's first thought was, "That's too simple!" But upon reflecting over her own life she recalled how she thought a bigger house would make her happy- but it didn't!  She thought a better- paying job would make her happy- but it hadn't!  When did she realize her greatest happiness?  Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren, eating pizza, and watching a movie - a simple gift from God.
Debbie knew the secret, Jane learned the secret, and now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy - only GOD in HIS wisdom can do that.  Trust Him.
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats:   NAILS IN THE FENCE
Please make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. Most importantly the last sentence.
There was once a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned how to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  The faces of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt appear on Mount Rushmore (well, they were cut from the rock, they didn't just appear...)
*******************************************************
Good Morning:  It's Tuesday March 26, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS:  Robert (one of my favorite poets) Frost, 1874; Al Jolson, 1886; Sterling Hayden, 1916; Sandra Day O'Connor (U.S. Supreme Court Justice), 1930; Leonard Nimoy, 1931; Alan Arkin, 1934; James Caan, 1940; Erica Jong, 1942; Bob Woodward, 1943; Diana Ross, 1944; Vicki Lawrence, 1949; Martin Short, 1950; Marcus Allen, 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1827, shortly before he died, deaf composer Ludwig Van Beethoven said, "I shall hear in heaven."
On this date in 1845 a patent was issued for "adhesive medicated plaster", a precursor of bandaid.
On this date in 1871 Prince Jonah Kuhio Kalanianaole, who would later represent the Territory of Hawaii as a delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives, was born.
On this date in 1872 Thomas Martin received a patent for the fire extinguisher.
On this date in 1885 commercial motion picture film was first manufactured.  George Eastman did it.
On this date in 1937 residents of Crystal City, Texas, dedicated a statue of Popeye during their spinach festival.
On this date in 1953 Dr. Jonas Salk announced a new vaccine to immunize against polio.
On this date in 1982 ground-breaking ceremonies took place for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C.
On this date in 1989 Soviets voted in their country's first contested elections since 1917.  Among the winners was Boris Yeltsin, who was elected president of the Russian Republic.
Today is MAKE UP YOUR OWN HOLIDAY day!
This is NATIONAL HAMBURGER MONTH!
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  4 out of 5 people who try out a new pen will write their own name... 40 out of 100 Americans eat cereal for breakfast every day... One out of 10 people in the U.S. is affected by influenza each year.
TRIVIA:  In the Bible, what king sulked in bed because he failed to make a real estate deal?
     "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity" (Gilda Radner).
*******************************************************
One of my favorite selections from one of my favorite poets -- Robert Frost's THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
 
Robert Frost
*******************************************************
One more from Robert Frost -- THE FLOWER BOAT
 
The fisherman's swapping a yarn for a yarn
Under the hand of the village barber,
And here in the angle of house of barn
His deep-sea dory has found a harbor.

At anchor she rides the sunny sod
As full to the gunnel of flowers growing
As ever she turned her home with cod
From George's bank when winds were blowing.

And I judged from that Elysian freight
That all they ask is rougher weather,
A dory and master will sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
 
Robert Frost
*******************************************************
From our archive -- Thanks to a friend (We have seen these before, but they are good enough to see again.  It reminds me greatly of what I have heard concerning why some will not participate in the Lord's work...)
TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best.
4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
8. I can't spare the time.
9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.
*******************************************************
Thanks to CCAH:  Holiday
An atheist complained to a friend, that the Christians and the Jews have too many holidays.  He said the Christians celebrate Christmas and Easter.  And that the Jews have the Passover, Yom Kippor, and Chanukah.  He furthermore declared that the atheist do not clutter up the calendar with holidays.
His friend replied, "You do too have a holiday, It is April 1st."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM:  Today's Trivia Question
There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?
ANSWER: The base word is Startling:
starting - staring - string - sting - sing - sin - in - I
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM:  THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. It lasted all week.
The next week, the man realized he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man awoke, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR SUCH CONTESTS)
*******************************************************
Thanks to BC:
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.
WHICH DO YOU SAY; "GOOD MORNING LORD" OR, "GOOD LORD, ITS MORNING?"
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  That would be Ahab -- I Kings 21:2-4 -- "And Ahab spake unto Naboth, saying, Give me thy vineyard, that I may have it for a garden of herbs, because it is near unto my house:  and I will give thee for it a better vineyard than it; or, if it seem good to thee, I will give the worth of it in money.  And Naboth said unto Ahab, The Lord forbid it me, that I should give the inheritance of my fathers unto thee.  And Ahab came into his house heavy and displeased... And he laid him down upon his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no bread."
*******************************************************

Gradowiths Homepage

Daily Humor Archive
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1