I hope you enjoy this collection of humor and truth.
I send a daily mail-out of little “things” I find on the internet or through
conversation or the books I happen to be reading at the time. These
came from that daily humor list. No claim is made to originality,
and when we know the identity of the author we credit him. Sometimes
when one feels poorly a little laughing is just what he needs to get things
going again… http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/ [email protected] http://gradowith.listbot.com
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A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
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This one came my way from G.B., a good friend --
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.
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"Two Doctors on the Golf Course"
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $6,000."
_______________________________________________________
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is reallyrather expensive. It will cost $1,000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "That obvious, huh?"
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"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandonded this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
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This one has been out there a while, Roger Jackson used it at the Bellview Lectures last year, and the particular version following is from a list to which I subscribe:
Sorry to bring you such sad news. I don't usually pass
on news like this. I know you are busy. But sometimes we have to pause
and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this sad, sad news.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote
the song "Hokey Pokey" died. The truly horrible thing is that they had
trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and,
well, you know the rest.
We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Here is one from L.B. Strawn. I thought it was right on the money!
WILL YOU BE HERE ?
1.
Will you be here the next time we meet?
Will you bow down at Jesus' dear feet?
Giving to Him a life that's complete?
One that, to Him, is true, pure and sweet?
2.
Will you sing praise and lift up you voice,
Worshiping Him as we all rejoice?
Will you stay home and bring to Him shame,
Not glorifying His precious name?
3.
Will you give prayer to God, up above,
Deeply sincere, to show Him your love?
Through ev'ry day will your light, thus, shine
To glorify Christ, His son, so divine?
CHO.
Oh, plan now, today, to give him your all,
Let Him, your life, completely enthrall.
Help others answer the sweet gospel call,
Doing His will, then you'll never fall.
By L. B. Strawn
January 1,
1986
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Here is an anonymous one:
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
Here is one by H. L. Gradowith:
Heaven
If when I cross death's chilly shore
To that fair land of peace and rest,
Where sin shall trouble me no more:
I shall of all men be most blessed.
For oftentimes, while here in life,
I strayed out of the narrow way;
I compromised amidst the strife,
And to repent I oft delayed.
By "rights" I have no hope for peace,
My only hope is in His grace;
Therein from sin I seek release:
Without it I'll not see that place.
So for mercy to Him I turn,
To cleanse and make me whole within;
For His presence I greatly yearn:
Come quickly, let Heaven begin!
H. L. GRADOWITH
This one is from Robert (Gilbert) and Jo Kilgore:
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? The second: How many seconds are there in a year? The third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.
"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how
in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second.....".
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."
Let's go on with the next and final question. "Can you tell me God's first name"?
Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..
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"True eloquence consists of saying all that should be said, and that only." --Francois de La Rochefoucald
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Here is one from Glenn and Lisa:
Meet You in Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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"Beware of the barrenness of a busy life."
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"There is none so foolish as he who will not learn."
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THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
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"He who fails to learn from the past is destined to repeat it."
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My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text.
"Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page. Then he looked up at his congregation and said,
"I've been reading this old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe!
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ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
o Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
o Noah didn't wait for his ship to come in, he built one.
o Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
o Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
o Build on high ground.
o For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
o Two heads are better than one.
o Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but sowere the snails.
o If you can't fight or flee -- float!
o Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
o Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
o Stay below deck during the storm.
o Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
o Don't miss the boat.
o When the fertilizer gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
o If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
o No matter how bleak it looks, if God is with you, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you
because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top. --English Professor, Ohio University
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Tough times are an opportunity to find out what you're made of:
"Adversity reveals genius; prosperity conceals it." --Horace
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." --Nancy Reagan
"Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not." --Henry Fielding
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SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR
________________________________________
- He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Smack!
"Ouch! What was that for?"
"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it?"
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
"Oh," she says and goes about doing her house work, apparently happy with his answer.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading, when - WHACK! - his wife again hits him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for this time?"
"Your horse called."
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"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." -- Charles A. Beard
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BAD ENGLISH
No wonder English is so hard to learn…
* We polish the Polish furniture.
* He could lead if he would get the lead out.
* A farm can produce produce.
* The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
* The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
* The present is a good time to present the present.
* At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head
of a bass drum.
* The dove dove into the bushes.
* I did not object to the object.
* The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
* The bandage was wound around the wound.
* There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
row.
* They were too close to the door to close it.
* The buck does funny things when the does are
present.
* They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in
the sewer line.
* Needing help with the planting, the farmer taught
his sow to sow.
* The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
* After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw
got number.
* I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
* I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
* How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
* I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
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This one seems to reek of poetic justice:
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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Stupid Criminals...
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A convict broke out of jail in
Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her
trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his
name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Homosassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their preacher retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new building.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new preacher the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The preacher gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the preacher did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
Received from Julia Owens.
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If I Were the Devil (by Paul Harvey)
I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world;
I would delude their minds into thinking that they had come from man's effort, instead of God's blessings;
I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around;
I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue;
I would convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership;
I would make it legal to take the life of unborn babies;
I would make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient;
I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more that human beings;
I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of His name was grounds for a law suit;
I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them;
I would get control of the media, so that every night I could pollute the mind of every family member for my agenda;
I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation;
I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable - if the family crumbles, so does the nation;
I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I would call it art;
I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct.
I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for the naive;
I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional;
I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are.
-Paul Harvey
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A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Here is one from Phillip, a friend of mine in Gilmer,
TX --
Canadian Courtroom Quotes
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent your attorney?
A: No. I always dress like this when I go to work.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give me an example of something
that you have forgotten?
***
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
Q: But couldn't the patient have been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere.
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I can understand the logic behind the following rules:
Diet Rules for Cheaters
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen.
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The trouble with many of us is that we just slide along in life. If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two-week vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days. ~ Dorothy Canfield Fisher ~ (1879-1958, American Writer)
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This one had to be edited a bit, and even then I am not sure I could agree with the premise...
** MEN ARE LIKE…
Men are like.....placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like.....lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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Here is another one from Phillip, my friend in Texas:
SNOW CLUE
Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup
of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well, okay."
Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well, okay."
Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions. He said to Tipper, "What am I going to do now, Tipper?" Tipper replied, "Oh, Al, just leave the car in the garage."
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Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all of the equipment; the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the row boat, the car and even a cabin in the woods of Maine. They spend a fortune.
Then they drive eight hours to Maine.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The second guy says. "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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This one came from the list "Lemon's Aid" and is a good one:
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO!
On September 7, 1995, Cal Ripkin, shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles, became the first man in baseball history to play in 2,131 consecutive games. When asked why he was always there and never missed a game, he said it was because he wanted to be there. It wasn't that he never got mad at the Coach, or the Umpire, or the fans, or the other players. It wasn't because he always felt just perfect or never had a personal problem. It wasn't because the weather was never too hot, or too rainy, or too windy. He was always there, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THERE.
There was a lady from Augusta, Georgia, who had not missed Bible class or worship service in 44 years. That's 2,288 Sundays! Why do you think she was always there? Do you think she ever had company that came in at the last minute or was ever too tired to come? Do you think she ever had a headache or a cold or indigestion or nervous spells? Do you think she ever wanted to sleep late on Sundays, or ever had her feelings hurt by the preacher or the elders or some member? OF COURSE SHE DID! But she didn't believe that was a reason to "forsake the assembly." SHE CAME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO, and she knew it was the right thing to do.
There was a man who was an elder of the church in New Orleans. He owned a chain of restaurants, and over a period of time he was president of 33 different business and civic organizations. Yet, he never missed one service of the Church. He was always there. Why? Because he wanted to be. Just like the well-known obstetrician in Nashville, Tennessee, who was also an elder in the Church, yet even with his extremely busy schedule and patient emergencies, he only missed three services in 36 years. Why did he always make arrangements to be present to worship God? BECAUSE HE WANTED TO!
In the late 1950's there was a very popular prime-time television show called the "Miss Patti Page Show." It came on every Wednesday night. There was one couple, during that time, who never got to see the show because they were at Bible study. They were Patti's parents. Even though they loved Patti very much, they felt it more important to seek the Kingdom first. Why were they always at Bible study and never missing services to watch their daughter's show? BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO BE THERE!
If you could boil them all down to the main reason as to why, the answer would be, because they, "WANTED TO." Whether we realize it or not, 99% of all we do in life is because we want to.
"Choose you this day whom you will serve" (Joshua 24:15).
What Must I Do To Be Saved?
Hear and believe – Hebrews 11:6; Romans 10:17
Repent – Luke 13:3; Acts 2:38
Confess Christ – Acts 8:37; Romans 10:10
Be Baptized – Acts 22:16; I Peter 3:21
Be Faithful – Matthew 6:33; Revelation 2:10
May we assist you in becoming a Christian?