DailyHumorOctoberThirteentoFifteenOOne

Good Morning: It's Saturday October 13, 2001!
SPECIAL BIRTHDAY: My niece, Shayna Dawn Beaver, has a birthday today! We wish her the very nicest of days.
Casey Smith is scheduled to wed his fiancé this evening at 6:00 P.M.! Our congratulations and best wishes are with them!
BIRTHDAYS: Molly Pitcher, 1754; Horace Hayden (founder of the first dental college), 1769; Nipsey Russell, 1924; Margaret Thatcher, 1925; Eddie Matthews, 1931; Paul Simon, 1941; Reggie Theus, 1957; Marie Osmond, 1959; Glenn Anton "Doc" Rivers, 1961; Jerry Lee Rice, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1727 the German and Swiss gunsmiths of the frontier settlement of Lancaster, Pennsylvania developed a new rifle at the urging of hunters who wanted a weapon that was light, with a long barrel and a small bore. Use of the rifle moved with the frontier to Kentucky -- where, through the exploits of Daniel Boone and others, it gained fame as the inaccurately named Kentucky rifle.
On this date in 1775 the U.S. Naval Fleet was authorized.
On this date in 1792 the cornerstone of the White House was laid by President George Washington.
On this date in 1860 the first aerial photograph was taken from a hot air balloon floating over Boston, Massachusetts.
On this date in 1903 Boston defeated Pittsburgh in the first World Series.
On this date in 1913 the National Safety Council was organized.
On this date in 1932 the cornerstone was laid for the Supreme Court Building.
On this date in 1982 the International Olympic Committee announced its decision to restore the two gold medals won by Jim Thorpe at the 1912 Olympics.
On this date in 1988, Scientific test results were released which indicated, based on carbon dating, that the Shroud of Turin -- believed by Catholics to be Christ's burial cloth -- was a fake created no earlier than the mid-13th century.
On this date in 1988 the United Nations sponsored a "Bearlift," flying donated teddy bears to orphaned children in South America.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: "Sayonara", the Japanese word for "goodbye", literally means "if" -- and represents the implied sentence, "If we must, then let us part"... Isaac Ingall (1678-1798) of Battel, England, was a servant to the same family for all 100 of his years... Domenico Balestrieri, the Italian poet, published a 280-page book of poems in Greek, Latin, French, Italian and Arabic mourning the death of his pet cat (1741). Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, who was killed for practicing birth control?
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." John Glenn, Jr.
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Thanks to LBS: Good to Hear!
How Budweiser handles those who laughed at those who died on 11 Sept 01 -- Thought you'd like to know what happened in a town north of Bakersfield, California. After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York, PA and the Pentagon.
September 11th, a Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a town called McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York. He entered the business to find two Arabs whooping and hollering and really cheering it up. It was obvious they were elated with what had happened earlier.
The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event. He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss told him, "Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there?
We'll never deliver to them again."
The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother and call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community.
Just letting you all know how Kern County handles this situation!!
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Thanks to LBS: Holiday
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."
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Another great "Thought of the day" from BC:
"Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose."
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Thanks to AB: "WHY I LOVE HER" (America) JOHN MITCHUM
You ask me Why I Love Her? Well, give me time and I'll explain.
Have you seen a Kansas sunset or an Arizona rain?
Have you drifted on a bayou down Louisiana way?
Have you watched a cold fog drifting over San Francisco Bay?
Have you heard a bobwhite calling in the Carolina pines,
Or heard the bellow of a diesel at the Appalachia mines?
Does the call of Niagara thrill you when you hear her waters roar?
Do you look with awe and wonder at her Massachusetts shore,
Where men who braved a hard new world first stepped on Plymounth's rock?
And do you think of them when you stroll along a new York City dock?
Have you seen a snowflake drifting in the Rockies, way up high?
Have you seen the sun come blazing down from a bright Nevada sky?
Do you hail to the Columbia as she rushes to the sea,
Or bow your head at Gettysburg at our struggle to be free?
Have you seen the mighty Tetons? Have you watched an eagle soar?
Have you seen the Mississippi roll along Missouri's shore?
Have you felt a chill at Michigan when on a winter's day
Her waters rage along the shore in thunderous display?
Does the word "Aloha" make you warm? Do you stare in disbelief
When you see the surf come roaring in at Waimea Reef?
From Alaska's cold to the Everglades, from the Rio Grande to Maine,
My heart cries out, my pulse runs fast at the might of her domain.
You ask me Why I Love Her? I've a million reasons why:
My Beautiful America, beneath God's wide, wide sky.
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Thanks to LBS: 2 Men...
Two men, both Multi-Millionaires: One develops relatively cheap software and gives hundreds of millions of dollars to charity. The other sponsors terrorism.
That being the case, why is it that the US government has spent more money chasing down Bill Gates over the past ten years than Osama bin Laden?
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ANSWER: Onan (Genesis 38:8-10) was killed for practicing birth control -- "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday October 14, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: William Penn, 1644; Dwight David Eisenhower, 1890; Joe Lenski (children's author), 1893; e.e.cummings (American poet noted for unorthodox typography), 1894; Lillian Gish, 1896; C. Everett Koop, 1916; Roger Moore, 1928; John Dean, 1938; Ralph Lauren, 1939; Greg Evigan, 1953.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1066 the Battle of Hastings took place. It was the start of the Norman Conquest of the British Isles. William the Conqueror defeated the Anglo-Saxons, and though the actual conquest of Britain took many more years to complete, this started it off.
On this date in 1831 Dr. Samuel Guthrie of Sackets Harbor, NY, synthesized that he called "chloric ether", which soon would gain wide use as the anesthesia known as chloroform. Guthrie's discovery would come to have far-reaching applications, especially in the production pf pharmaceuticals.
On this date in 1912 Theodore Roosevelt was shot in the chest while campaigning for the presidency on the Bull Moose ticket. He refused to be taken to the hospital until he'd completed his campaign speech.
On this date in 1917 France executed one Margaretha Zelle for her activities on behalf of Germany. History knows her as Mata Hari.
On this date in 1926 Winnie The Pooh was published.
On this date in 1947 U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
On this date in 1964 Martin Luther King, Jr. won the Nobel Peace Prize.
On this date in 1968 the Apollo 7 mission transmitted the first live TV broadcast from a spaceship in orbit.
On this date in 1982 Scott Thorson filed a palimony suit against Liberace.
On this date in 1987 the stock market dropped 95.46 points -- the biggest one-day plunge in history.
On this date in 1987 also the Bakkers (Jim and Tammy Faye) announce a 25-city "Farewell for Now" tour featuring Tammy's singing and Jim's 'sharing from his heart.' The tour was cancelled when only 32 tickets were sold.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Sultan Abdul Aziz (1830-1876), ruler of Turkey from 1861-1876, always ate 60 hardboiled eggs for breakfast... A shrimp has its heart and its stomach in its head... Mrs. Jane Keith of Newnham, England died in 1780 at the age of 133 years. She was survived by 3 daughters -- whose ages were 109, 110, and 111 years! Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, what king's women were perfumed for a year before they came to him?
A nice one from a favorite of mine -- "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age" Robert Frost, 1874 - 1963.
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Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:

Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
And chuck as much as a woodchuck would
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.

Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.

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No offence to Texans, but - You Know You're from Texas when:
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.
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Thanks to Chadlex for some interesting "billboards" --
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God
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ANSWER: Ahasuerus' women -- Esther 2:12 -- "Now when every maid's turn was come to go in to king Ahasuerus, after that she had been twelve months, according to the manner of the women, (for so were the days of their purifications accomplished, to wit, six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with sweet odours, and with other things for the purifying of the women;) Then thus came every maiden unto the king..."
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Good Morning: It's Monday October 15, 2001!
TODAY IS: National Grouch Day, White Cane Safety Day, and World Poetry Day (in honor of the poet Virgil's birthday).
SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY: Happy Anniversary to RAYMOND AND TAMMY WIEHE!!!
BIRTHDAYS: Virgil, A.D. 70; Evangelista Torricelli (Italian mathematician and physicist who developed the barometer), 1608; John L. Sullivan, 1858; John Kenneth Galbraith, 1908; John Schlesinger Jr., 1917; Mario Puzo, 1920; Lee Iacocca, 1924; Linda Lavin, 1939; Penny Marshall, 1942; Beatrice Gormley (children's author), 1942; Jim Palmer, 1945; Roscoe Tanner, 1951; Tito Jackson (singer), 1953; Trace Armstrong, 1965.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1785 Virginia authorized the first turnpike in America, the Little River Turnpike, a toll road running from Alexandria to Snicker's Gap. Tolls were collected to pay for the clearing and repair of the unpaid road.
On this date in 1789 George Washington began a 29-day tour of the country. He traveled throughout New England by coach.
On this date in 1928 the GRAF ZEPPELIN, a predecessor of the infamous HINDENBURG, made the first commercial transatlantic air flight.
On this date in 1951 "I Love Lucy" debuted on CBS.
On this date in 1965 the first draft card was burned in protest of the U.S.'s escalating military involvement in Vietnam.
On this date in 1969 demonstrations and a candlelight vigil outside the White House were staged in protest to the Vietnam War.
On this date in 1984 the first photographic evidence of another solar system was displayed by astronomers in Pasadena, CA. This solar system is estimated to be 293 trillion miles from earth.
On this date in 1986 the Okie Ostrich Ranch opened in Marlow, OK.
On this date in 1990 Mikhail Gorbachev won the Nobel Peace Prize.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Ray McKinley of Gaylord, Michigan graduated from Gaylord High School, at the age of 66 years, after serving on the School Board for 6 years, 2 years as its president... Every ballot cast in the first election in Plainview, Nebraska was eaten by a cow -- no ballot box was available so they had been sotred in a pail (July 26, 1870)... Epitaph of a drunken cobbler in Torryburn, Scotland -- Enclosed within this narrow stall; Lies I who was a friend to awl; I saved bad soles from getting worse; But doomed my own without remorse; And though a sinful life I passed; Yet saved by mending at the last. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, what woman said that poor men should drink and forget their poverty?
     Here is a ditty on which we may well think:
My Birthday! what a different sound
That word had in my youthful ears;
And how each time the day comes round,
Less and less white its mark appears.
Thomas Moore, 1779 - 1852
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The Worth of $20 Dollars: This is powerful!
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill in a room of 200 people, and asked, " Who would like this $20 bill ?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this...." He proceeded to crumple the $20 up.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well"... he replied, "What if I do this?" ...and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" he asked.
Hands still shot up!
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt, by the decisions we make, and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you never lose your value!
Dirty...clean...crumpled...or finely creased...you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special....don't ever forget it.
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Thanks to Chadlex: IF NOAH LIVED IN THE U.S., TODAY --
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year. Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
1.      I had to get a permit for construction
2.      Your plans did not comply with the codes.
3.      I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
4.      Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
5.      Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
6.      I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
7.      However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
8.      The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
9.      When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
10.     Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
11.     Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
12.     Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!
13.     The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax as I failed register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
14.     Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly." I don't have to. The government already has."
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ANSWER: The mother of King Lemuel -- Proverbs 31:1-7 -- gave that advice, "The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him... Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more."
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