BIRTHDAYS: Franklin Pierce, 1804; Billy the Kid (real name: William H. Bonney, American "outlaw"), 1859; Boris Karloff, 1887; Harop Marx, 1893; Maurice Zolotow, 1913; Ellen Drew, 1915; Jerry Brock, 1928; Andrew Toney, 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1744 Abigail Smith Adams, wife of one President (John Adams) and mother of another, was born in Weymouth, MA.
On this date in 1848 the Female Medical Educational Society was established in Boston.
On this date in 1876 Columbia, Harvard, and Princeton formed the first intercollegiate football association.
On this date in 1889 the first Jukebox was installed, in San Francisco.
On this date in 1897 J.L. Love received a patent for the pencil sharpener.
On this date in 1911 the U.S. Post Office's first airmail pilot, Earl Ovington, was sworn in.
On this date in 1936 the first issue of "Life" magazine hit the newsstands. It was created by Henry Luce.
On this date in 1945 World War II food rationing ended in the United States for everything except sugar.
On this date in 1969 the first fossil bones found in Antarctica were discovered.
On this date in 1969 Apollo 12 astronauts held the first space-to-earth news conference.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Earl Ovington, the first airmail pilot for the USPS, flew the mail between 2 communities on Long Island -- Garden City and Mineola. The distance of his route was only 6 miles... Archaeologists digging near the South Pole found the bones of an alleged Lystrosaurus, which -- according to them -- was a 4-foot reptile that lived 200 million years ago... As early as 3,000 B.C. donkeys were domesticated and used in Mesopotamia to draw wheeled carts.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, of what land was it said that the owl, the raven, the pelican, and the porcupine would possess it?
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat" (Theodore Roosevelt, 1858 - 1919).
*******************************************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
Silence is the only thing that can't be misquoted.
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site.
Blaming your faults on your nature doesn't change the nature of your of your faults.
Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
A bigger fool than the fellow who knows it all is the one that'll argue with him.
A lot of the better things in life come to the people who wait...on themselves.
The gap between advice and help is very wide.
If you want your words to carry weight, weigh them carefully.
You don't have to be a watchmaker to work around the clock.
The best thing about telling the truth is you don't have to remember what you said.
No one can help others without helping himself.
It takes courage when you're in the minority but tolerance when you're in the majority.
Days are like suitcases. By careful arrangement, some people can pack more into them than others can.
Whoever has a heart full of love always has something to give.
It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Some people are like boats...they toot their horn the loudest when they're in a fog.
Worry is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can get yourself back
If you look for the best in people, it will keep you so busy you won't find time to notice the worst.
Every great man was once a nobody prepared for opportunity.
You should not pray for rain if it causes you to complain about the mud.
In this world of give and take, not enough people are willing to give what it takes.
When the bottom drops out of everything, perhaps we should reexamine the foundation.
People who believe that the world owes them a living usually spend a lifetime waiting to collect.
It seems that the body is the only machine that breaks down when not in use.
Happiness is the best of all riches...and it's not taxed.
Childhood...that time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror. Middle age...that time of life when the mirror gets even.
One measure of civilization's progress is the way the cost of relaxing keeps going up.
*******************************************************
From TOP TEN --
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive1993.shtml#
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot
10.
Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
9.
In the so-called "serum," you recognize a couple of Cheerios.
8.
When you walk into a room, people say, "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
7.
Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu.
6.
Edited.
5.
It looks like chafing ... it feels like chafing ... but it isn't chafing.
4.
You got the shot from a street vendor.
3.
You immediately fall asleep, and when you awake it's 2025 and your mission
is to track down Wesley Snipes.
2.
Edited.
1.
Hives the size of melons
NOTE: Not all of the material on the site from which this was taken is good -- that is, some of it is offensive. This is not an endorsement...
*******************************************************
Thanks to A.K. --
NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...
"I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email.
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... never!!!!
My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail.
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail.
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on."
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
*******************************************************
ANSWER: The land ruled by the owl, raven, pelican and porcupine was Edom (Isaiah 34:11, RV; a similar prophecy is found in Zeph. 2:13-15 about Assyria).
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Saturday November 3, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: John Montagu (4th earl of Sandwich, credited with the invention of the sandwich for eating at the gaming table), 1718; Stephen Austin (colonizer and leader in Texas's fight for independence from Mexico), 1793; William Cullen Bryant, 1794; Charles Bronson, 1922; Ken Berry, 1933; Michael Dukakis, 1933; Steve Landesberg, 1945; Roseanne Arnold (or whatever it is now), 1953; Adam Ant, 1954; Phil Simms, 1956.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1679 panic swept Europe as a comet approached.
On this date in 1804 The Sauk and Fox Indians signed a treaty ceding 50 million acres of present-day Illinois to the United States.
On this date in 1837 housewives in Illinois staged a protest against the high cost of food (including butter, $0.08 per pound; eggs, $0.06 per dozen; and beef, $0.03 per pound).
On this date in 1900 the first auto show in the United States was held in New York City.
On this date in 1942 the Alaska Highway, running from Dawson Creek, British Columbia, to Fairbanks, Alaska, was completed.
On this date in 1957 a dog named Laika became Earth's first space traveler, on board the Soviet satellite SPUTNIK 2.
On this date in 1964 President Lyndon Baynes Johnson, who succeeded JFK after his assassination, defeated Senator Barry Goldwater by the largest popular-vote plurality in the nation's history.
On this date in 1964 residents of Washington, D.C., voted for the first time in a presidential election.
On this date in 1982 the GOP lost a net total of 26 House seats, 7 governorships, and 6 state legislative houses in the mid-term election.
On this date in 1983 Jesse Jackson announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, claiming that he wanted to "restore a moral tone" to the national discourse. He lost.
On this date in 1988 Geraldo Rivera got a broken nose when things got a bit out of hand during a "discussion" of "Hatemongering" groups.
On this date in 1992 Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton was elected 42nd President of the United States. He garnered 370 electoral votes in his victory over George (Herbert Walker) Bush and Ross Perot.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: John "the man" Ramsey of Glenshee, Scotland was never sick a day in his life and died as the result of an accident at the kiln where he was employed -- at the age of 91... Pierre Bouguer (1698-1758), the French Mathematician, was a professor of the Hydrographic School in Paris -- a naval college that graduated its students as captains -- when he was 15 years of age! At the age of 10 Pierre was teaching his instructors mathematics... John Mason of Bullwell, England, who built the towns last stocks for the confinement of prisoners was so offensive in demanding his payment that he became the first person pilloried in them (1825). Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What woman's son died as she came to the doorstep of her home?
A nice thought from our past -- "The American experience stirred mankind from discovery to exploration, from the cautious quest for what they knew (or what they thought they knew) was out there, to an enthusiastic reaching to the unknown" (Daniel Joseph Boorstein).
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW -- FBI delays Cowboys football practice
Dateline:
October 25, 2001, 8:16 AM EDT
Dallas,
TX (AP)- Football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours
at Valley Ranch for the Dallas Cowboys.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Dave Campo immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the cowboy players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
*******************************************************
From a friend: TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4.
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and
exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Church Jokes
There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.
------------------------------------------------------
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
------------------------------------------------------
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Jeroboam's wife's son -- I Kings 14:17 -- "And Jeroboam's wife arose, and depart, and came to Tizrah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died."
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday November 4, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: James Fraser (American Sculptor), 1876; Will Rogers, 1879; Frederick Banting (Canadian researcher and codiscoverer of insulin), 1891; Walter Cronkite, 1916; Gig Young, 1917; Art Carney, 1918; Martin Balsam, 1919; Alfred Heineken, 1923; Loretta Swit, 1937; Markie Post, 1950; Ralph Macchio, 1962; Andrea McArdle, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1825 the first vessel to traverse the Erie Canal arrived in New York. It took nine days to travel from Buffalo to NYC.
On this date in 1841 the first immigrant wagon train arrived in California.
On this date in 1842 Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd.
On this date in 1879 James Ritty was granted a patent for the cash register.
On this date in 1922 King Tut's tomb was discovered by Howard Carter at Luxor, Egypt.
On this date in 1924 Nellie Tayloe Ross, the nation's first governor, was elected in Wyoming.
On this date in 1979 militant Iranian students seized the U.S. embassy in Tehran and took its staff hostage, an ordeal that lasted 444 days.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Christopher Columbus had snow white hair at the age of 30... Albert Lee Bostrom of Kearny, Nebraska, was born in Columbus, Kansas and was married in Columbus, Georgia, on Columbus Day... Wardtown Castle, near Ballyshannon, Ireland, was built to give employment to the starving population. It was completed in 108 days. Each worker was paid 12 cents a day. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What proud father (in the Bible) named a city for his boy?
Makes sense -- "The exploration and ultimate colonization of the solar system is the only future worthy of truly great nations at this time in history. The Soviets, who cannot even feed themselves, seem to understand this" (John S. Powers).
*******************************************************
From a friend --
Someone spotted this sign front of a small rural church:
"As the maintenance of the church cemetery is becoming increasingly costly, it would be appreciated if those who are willing, would clip the grass around their own grave."
Also, a sign in front of a funeral parlor read: "Ask about our layaway plan."
*******************************************************
From
a friend: --AN ALPHABET OF LIFE:
--Act
promptly,
--Be
courteous,
--Cut
out worry,
--Deal
squarely,
--Eat
what is wholesome,
--Forgive
and forget,
--Get
right with God,
--Hope
always,
--Imitate
the best,
--Judge
generously,
--Knock
nobody,
--Love
somebody,
--Make
friends,
--Never
despair,
--Owe
nobody,
--Play
occasionally,
--Quote
the Bible,
--Read
good books,
--Save
something,
--Touch
no alcohol,
--Use
discretion,
--Vote
regularly,
--Watch
your step
--X-ray
yourself,
--Yield
to superiors,
--Zealously
live.
- Author Unknown
*******************************************************
From a friend (edited) -- Critic's Corner
by Charles Lowery
The congregation was not certain that the new preacher could do all that the previous, older preacher had done. The Preacher Search Committee decided to put him to the test. After services, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." Realizing he was being put to the test, the new preacher got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, that preacher is no good -- he can't even swim."
Critics are everywhere. They sit so far back in the church, by the time they hear it, it's already a rumor. They weren't born again they were born against. At the beginning of every meeting you feel like calling on them for a word of criticism just to get it over with. Their favorite TV character was Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Their faces look like Lamentations. They always have that "I'm in pain" look. Maybe it's the side effect of having an artificial heart.
Actually, I always try to be positive with my critics: One came up to me last week and I said, "If I had two more just like you, I'd be a happy man." At first, he didn't know what to say. Then he replied, "Charles, what are you talking about? I'm always criticizing you. Why would you be happy if you had two more like me?" "Because I have twenty more like you. If only I had three, I would be a happy man!"
I wish the critics were more specific in their criticism, like: What kind of kite? What lake? Someone has said that any fool can criticize and condemn and complain, and most fools do. For every step forward, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Many times as leaders, we feel like our organizational colors ought to be black and blue. In fact, all leaders are criticized. Lincoln and Washington, two of our greatest presidents, were the most criticized. Churchill received a standing ovation and a lady commented how flattering it must be to receive that kind of applause. "Yes," he said, "but also know that if it were my hanging, the crowd would be twice the size."
Every great endeavor has its critics. When Robert Fulton first showed off his new invention, the steamboat, skeptics were crowded on the bank yelling, "It'll never start! It'll never start!" It did. It started with a lot of clanking and groaning. As the steamboat made it's way down the river the skeptics were quiet. For one minute. Then they started shouting, "It'll never stop! It'll never stop!
What do you do with your critics? Pray that they will fry in their own grease? What about setting clever traps for them, like the guy who was so upset because his critic was always poking him in the chest. He decided to wire dynamite to his chest so that the next time he poked him, he would go up in smoke.
That's not a good idea. Remember that critics who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size. A critic is a legless man trying to teach track and field. Take the rocks thrown at you and build something. Don't be paranoid. Everybody's not out to get you. Don't quit going to football games because you think they are talking about you in the huddle. There is no coat that will insulate you from criticism. Prepare for criticism. The greater the work, the greater the criticism. Remember you only get shot at when you are close to the target.
The best way to handle critics is to remember the canal. The builder of the Panama Canal was besieged with criticism. When asked how he was going to handle the critics, he said, "With the canal." Don't get sidetracked if you are on the right track. Stay positive. One football coach says when you are run out of town, go to the head of the line and look as though you are leading a parade. And of course you cannot make everyone happy.
A
new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box along Main
Street. He turned to a more seasoned resident and asked, "If everybody
is supposed to happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?" The experienced
tenant replied, "Because some people aren't really happy unless they complain."
P.S.
Especially for Preachers -- Speaking of heaven, I believe that all of the
critics will be in one big church and they will have to rotate criticizing
each other. Why is that heaven? Because all of their former preachers will
get to watch.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Cain was the proud father who named a city for his son -- Genesis 4:17 -- "And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch."
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday November 5, 2001!
Today is Guy Fawkes Day (in the U.K.), during which British children celebrate the foiling of a 1605 plan to blow up the Houses of Parliament.
BIRTHDAYS: Leon Philippe Teisserenc de Bort (French meteorologist who used balloons to investigate the upper atmosphere and who discovered the stratosphere), 1855; Eugene Debs, 1855; Will Durant, 1885; Roy Rogers, 1912; Roy Rogers, 1912; Vivian Leigh, 1913; Ike Turner, 1931; Art Garfunkel, 1941; Elke Sommer, 1941; Sam Shepard, 1943; Bill Walton, 1952; Lloyd Moseby, 1959; Tatum O'Neal, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1639 the first Colonial Post Office was established in Boston, Mass.
On this date in 1781 the first President of the United States was elected. It was not George Washington, but John Hanson of Maryland. His official title was "President of the United States in Congress Assembled". He served for over a year and had six successors before Washington took over.
On this date in 1872 Susan B. Anthony was arrested and fined $ 100 for trying to vote in a presidential election.
On this date in 1895 the first U.S. patent for an automobile was issued to George B. Selden.
On this date in 1911 the first Transcontinental Airplane Flight arrived in Pasadena, CA from New York.
On this date in 1924 the first crossword puzzle book was published.
On this date in 1940 Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first U.S. president elected to a third term.
On this date in 1963 the first radio-tracked grizzly bear began its hibernation.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Egyptian shepherds cooked their eggs without fire by placing them in a string which they swung so rapidly that friction cooked the eggs... The Castle of Bonaguil, France was the first Chateau built to withstand an artillery bombardment. It sold 300 years later for $20 and a bag of walnuts... King Edward III of England was the first monarch in history to be adjudged a bankrupt. A petition in bankruptcy was filed against the king in 1339 when he declared himself unable to repay a loan of $6,675,000. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What 3 boys (in the Bible) had a father five hundred years old?
Think about it -- but not too much -- "If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date" (Olin Miller).
*******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
Lost and Found
Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!
*******************************************************
From
our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:
When
you have nothing to say,
But
still want to keep in touch,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't know what,
Or
don't know how,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't know why,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't have enough time,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you are still wanted,
When
you are still remembered,
When
you are still important,
When
you are still loved,
When
you are still cared for,
Guess
what you get?
A
FORWARDED MAIL!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for More Church Jokes --
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
------------------------------------------------------
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
-------------------------------------------------------
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
-------------------------------------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
-------------------------------------------------------
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.
*******************************************************
From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)
Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.
The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."
The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."
The
two then turned to their Baptist Brother who had suddenly become very quiet.
One of them asked,
"Well
Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would you have been?"
His one word reply, "Ashamed."
*******************************************************
From a friend:
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Shem, Ham, and Japheth -- Genesis 5:32 -- had a 500-year-old father, "And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth."
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday November 25, 2001!
Happy Anniversary to Jerry and Pat Gant!
BIRTHDAYS: Franz Xavier Gruber (Austrian organist and composer of "Silent Night"), 1787; Andrew Carnegie, 1835; Carry Nation, 1846; Joe Di Maggio, 1914; Ricardo Montalban, 1920; Kathryn Crosby, 1933; Marc Brown (children's author), 1846; John Larroquette, 1947; Bucky Dent, 1951; Crescent Dragonwagon (children's author), 1952; Bernie Kosar, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1817 the first sword-swallowing exhibition in the United States was given by Senaa Samma of India.
On this date in 1917 Russia held its last free election for more than half a century after Czar Nicholas II abdicated. Russian voters chose an assembly in which less than a third of the deputies were Bolshevik Communists. As a result of that, Bolshevik Communists suppressed the assembly when it convened the following January.
On this date in 1952 Agatha Christie's "The Mousetrap" opened in London at the Ambassador Theater, and at last word was still running.
On this date in 1963 President John F. Kennedy was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
On this date in 1973 by executive order, the speed limit on U.S. highways was reduced to 55 mph.
On this date in 1984 William Shroeder, 52, became the second recipient of an artificial heart. He survived for 620 days, though the several strokes he suffered seriously impaired the quality of those days.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Joe DiMaggio, the Yankee Clipper, had a lifetime batting average of .325. He also established one of the most remarkable records in the history of baseball -- in 1941 he batted safely in 56 consecutive games... Andrew Carnegie worked as a cotton-factory bobbin boy, telegraph messenger boy, telegraph operator, and railroad clerk. He went on to a much better job -- one of the world's richest men... To figure a "batting average" one need only to divide the number of hits made by the number of times at bat and carry the answer to three decimal places.
TRIVIA: Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my favorite writers/artists. He was "skipped" forward 2 and one half grades in elementary school and, being the youngest in his grade, he was often "left out" by the other students. When he was 13 he was given a mixed-breed black and white dog. Can you name him?
Almost too nice... "You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime" (Dale Carnegie).
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NEW FEATURE: We begin today to examine an "old wives' tale" or two each day -- looking for accuracy and/or origin. If you have such an old saying or tradition, feel free to send it in, with or without explanation. I'll try to see where it came from and if it is true or not. Thanks. Tim
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DON'T CROSS YOUR EYES; THEY'LL GET STUCK THAT WAY.
This "old saying" is FALSE. The thought of going through life with crossed eyes has doubtlessly convinced many youngsters to stop crossing their eyes, but ophthalmologists point out that those with sufficient control over their eye muscles to bring the pupils to the inner corners of their eyes are probably the least likely to have crossed eyes.
The medical term for any condition where one or both eyes are turned abnormally is STRABISMUS. It is treatable.
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From our archive -- Life in the "Good Old Days"!
100 years ago...
The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
Drive-by-shootings - in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy - were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide - which was thought to diminish sexual desire - into the woman's drinking water.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.
Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.
Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.
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ANSWER: Charles Schulz, creator of Peanuts.
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Good Morning: It's Monday November 26, 2001
BIRTHDAYS: Mary Edwards Walker, 1832; William Griffith Wilson (cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous), 1895; Eric Severeid, 1912; Charles Schulz, 1922; Robert Goulet, 1933; Rich Little, 1938; Tina Turner, 1938; Johnny Hector, 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1716 the first lion ever seen on these shores was exhibited in Boston, MA. Bear in mind the lack of technology and limited travel that was available then. This was the first time most people had ever had any knowledge of a lion beyond literary.
On this date in 1783 Annapolis, MD., became the capital of the United States.
On this date in 1789 the first presidentially-proclaimed Thanksgiving Day was observed.
On this date in 1818 Encke's Comet, which appears more frequently than any other known comet, was discovered.
On this date in 1832 the first streetcar in the U.S. began its horse drawn journey between New York's City Hall and 14th Street. The fare was 12-1/2 cents. Many transit delays were encountered as passengers tried to meet the exact change requirement by breaking pennies in half...
On this date in 1863 by proclamation of President Abraham Lincoln, Thanksgiving Day was celebrated on the last Thursday in November.
On this date in 1864 Lewis Carroll sent an early Christmas present to Alice Liddell, a 12-year-old friend: a handwritten manuscript that he later expanded into "ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND".
On this date in 1883 Sojourner Truth, a former slave who became a leading abolitionist, died.
On this date in 1925 Ford announced the price of its popular roadster: $260.
On this date in 1992 Queen Elizabeth II announced that she would start paying taxes on her personal income and take her children off the national payroll.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: 7 cities besides Annapolis have been our nation's capital -- York, PA; Philadelphia; Baltimore; Lancaster, PA; Princeton, N.J.; Trenton, N.J.; and Washington, D.C.... Charles Schulz originally named his black and white mixed-breed dog Sniffy, but there was already a cartoon pet with that name so he changed it to Snoopy... As things stand now, the family of the now late Charles Schulz decided that no one should replace him drawing the comic strip -- that is why there are no new strips being drawn, only repeats.
TRIVIA: Celebrating a birthday tomorrow, this puppeteer visited many homes through TV each week in "the good old days". Can you name him?
One to live by... "If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep" (Dale Carnegie, 1888 - 1955).
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DON'T PUT PLANTS AND FLOWERS IN A SICK ROOM. THEY USE UP OXGEN.
NOT TRUE. Plants don't actually breathe, they photosynthesize (but only during the day). The photosynthesis process involves so little oxgen that it is insignificant in human terms. Plants in the sick room can be of some help. According to recent studies, plants aid in the emimination of many air pollutants, especially carbon monoxide. So -- buying a plant won't hurt or heal...but it is kinda nice.
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From our archive -- "How Old Are You REALLY?????"
(The answers will be in tomorrow's list. NOTE: You may want to keep the questions around, as ONLY THE ANSWERS will be on the list tomorrow, along with other jokes of course.)
1.
Name the 4 Beatles. _________________ _________________ _________________
_________________
2.
Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!"
3.
"Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____ _____.
4.
What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
5.
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
6.
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
7.
You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
8.
Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But
we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _____ G. _____.
9.
M-I-C, .... See ya' real soon, .... K-E-Y, _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
10.
"Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."
11.
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
12.
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder... wonder who ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
13.
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,
huh, ...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."
14.
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle
for truth, justice, and ___ __________ _____.
15.
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks
in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial
wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
16.
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the
finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ______, .... I'm Popeye the sailor man."
17.
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin
Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
18.
In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well
who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters
with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt
to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience
as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here,
____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
19.
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race
for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think,
you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20.
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot,
six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip,
and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to _____ _____, _____ _____ _____."
21.
"I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."
22.
________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ ____."
23.
"Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
24.
"Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
25.
"When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. _______!
_____ ______ ______ _____."
26.
It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy,
and ____ ___ ____."
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ANSWER: Well before my time, his name is Buffalo Bob Smith -- host of the children't TV show "Howdy Doody".
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Good Morning: It's Tuesday November 27, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Anders Celsius, 1701; Charles Beard, 1874; Buffalo Bob Smith, 1917; Alexander Dubcek, 1921; Gail Sheehy, 1936; Eddie Rabbit, 1941; Jimi Hendrix, 1942; Kevin Henkes (children's author and illustrator), 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1095 Pope Urban II called for a crusade.
On this date in 1582 William Shakespeare was issued a marriage license in the diocese of Worcester, England.
On this date in 1885 a meteorite landed near Mazapil, Mexico.
On this date in 1890 a protest against bicycles took place outside Boston. The demonstrators claimed bicycles made the roads unsafe for horses and buggies.
On this date in 1901 the Army War College was authorized, indicating officially that our nation recognized that the art of warfare had become much more complex than ever before.
On this date in 1903 Puss, the oldest cat on record, was born. She lived for 36 years and 1 day.
On this date in 1910 New York City's Pennsylvania Station opened -- at the time, it was the largest railway terminal in the United States.
On this date in 1960 Hockey star Gordie Howe recorded his 1,000th career point.
On this date in 1966 the Washington Redskins defeated the New York Giants, 72-41, in the highest scoring game in NFL history.
On this date in 1973 by a vote of 92-3, the Senate voted to confirm Gerald Ford as vice president, succeeding Spiro Agnew.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Those who complained about bicycles on Boston streets also disliked the black tights and handlebar mustaches sported by so many cyclists... The Philistines worshipped the Canaanite deities of Dagon, Ashtoreth, and Beelzebub... The Stoic philosophy in Paul's day emphasized the importance of reason, harmony with nature, and virtue over pleasure.
TRIVIA: How much did King Solomon pay for his horses?
One to think about -- "Each class preaches the importance of those virtues it need not exercise. The rich harp on the value of thrift, the idle grow eloquent over the dignity of labor" Oscar Wilde).
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DON'T READ IN DIM LIGHT; YOU'LL RUIN YOUR EYES.
This one is FALSE. The American Academy of Ophthalmology assures us, "Reading in dim light can no more harm the eyes than taking a photograph in dim light can harm the camera." The eye muscles that change the focus of the lens aren't "hurt" by dim light; this is not the cause of nearsightedness or farsightedness. While it is true that the eyes might get tired if you have to strain to read, and that could cause tension headaches, there is no evidence that damage to the eyes specifically occurs. Doctors do recommend adequate light and taking a break after 20 minutes of reading. Just look up from your book and focus on something 15 to 20 feet away.
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How did you do on yesterday's "How Old Are You?" quiz? Here are the answers:
1.
John, Paul, George, Ringo
2.
Oh, my!
3.
It's Howdy Doody Time!
4.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5.
Wonder Bread
6.
Cassius Clay
7.
when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8.
Maynard G. Krebbs
9.
Why? Because we like you.
10.
A little dab'll do ya.
11.
over 30
12.
who wrote the book of love
13.
Absolutely nothin'
14.
the American way
15.
Joe Namath
16.
"cause I eats me spinach"
17.
Mary Martin
18.
is a failure to communicate
19.
Richard Nixon
20.
Big John, Big Bad John
21.
On Blueberry Hill
22.
Wherever you are.
23.
Good night, Chet.
24.
pants on fire
25.
you're on Candid Camera
26.
he is us
"Scoring"
24-26
correct - 50+ years old
20-23
correct - 40's
15-19
correct - 30's
10-14
correct - 20's
0-
9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude
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Thanks to BC:
"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."
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Thanks to D.O. -- The Master's Card
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's The Master's card.
I'm sure you've all received their applications in the mail. However, I'm here to advertise a different card. You see, my life is a product for others to see. I'm a card carrying representative for The Master's Card.
That's right, The MASTER'S CARD. Let me tell you about it.
There are no finance charges, no payments due.
My bill has already been covered...it's a prepaid deal.
I couldn't afford the price, so Jesus stepped in and paid it for me.
My Name is written on the card for all to see. It is accessible twenty-four hours a day from anywhere in the world.
The MASTER'S CARD has so many benefits it's hard to list them all.
Let me share some of them with you... you might want to apply for a personal card yourself.
Just for starters there is UNLIMITED GRACE.
That's right, there is no preset limit to the amount of grace you receive from The MASTER'S CARD.
Have you been looking for love in all the wrong places?
Then, look no farther than The MASTER'S CARD.
It offers the greatest rate on love that has ever been offered.
The MASTER'S CARD gives you access to many "members only" benefits.
Want real joy despite the difficulties of life?
Apply for The MASTER'S CARD.
Want a lasting peace? Apply for The MASTER'S CARD.
Looking
for something you can always rely on in a jam? The MASTER'S CARD is perfect
for you.
Another
great thing about The MASTER'S CARD is that it never expires.
Membership has its privileges, you know. So why not apply today?
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ANSWER: According to II Chronicles 1:16-17 the king paid 150 shekels of silver each -- "And Solomon had horses brought out of Egypt... And they fetched up, and brought forth out of Egypt a chariot for six hundred shekels of silver, and an horse for an hundred and fifty..." The silver shekel was worth about 65 cents, as nearly as we can now determine, so Solomon paid a little under a hundred dollars each for his horses.
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Daily
Humor Archive