BIRTHDAYS: John Montagu (4th earl of Sandwich, credited with the invention of the sandwich for eating at the gaming table), 1718; Stephen Austin (colonizer and leader in Texas's fight for independence from Mexico), 1793; William Cullen Bryant, 1794; Charles Bronson, 1922; Ken Berry, 1933; Michael Dukakis, 1933; Steve Landesberg, 1945; Roseanne Arnold (or whatever it is now), 1953; Adam Ant, 1954; Phil Simms, 1956.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1679 panic swept Europe as a comet approached.
On this date in 1804 The Sauk and Fox Indians signed a treaty ceding 50 million acres of present-day Illinois to the United States.
On this date in 1837 housewives in Illinois staged a protest against the high cost of food (including butter, $0.08 per pound; eggs, $0.06 per dozen; and beef, $0.03 per pound).
On this date in 1900 the first auto show in the United States was held in New York City.
On this date in 1942 the Alaska Highway, running from Dawson Creek, British Columbia, to Fairbanks, Alaska, was completed.
On this date in 1957 a dog named Laika became Earth's first space traveler, on board the Soviet satellite SPUTNIK 2.
On this date in 1964 President Lyndon Baynes Johnson, who succeeded JFK after his assassination, defeated Senator Barry Goldwater by the largest popular-vote plurality in the nation's history.
On this date in 1964 residents of Washington, D.C., voted for the first time in a presidential election.
On this date in 1982 the GOP lost a net total of 26 House seats, 7 governorships, and 6 state legislative houses in the mid-term election.
On this date in 1983 Jesse Jackson announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, claiming that he wanted to "restore a moral tone" to the national discourse. He lost.
On this date in 1988 Geraldo Rivera got a broken nose when things got a bit out of hand during a "discussion" of "Hatemongering" groups.
On this date in 1992 Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton was elected 42nd President of the United States. He garnered 370 electoral votes in his victory over George (Herbert Walker) Bush and Ross Perot.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: John "the man" Ramsey of Glenshee, Scotland was never sick a day in his life and died as the result of an accident at the kiln where he was employed -- at the age of 91... Pierre Bouguer (1698-1758), the French Mathematician, was a professor of the Hydrographic School in Paris -- a naval college that graduated its students as captains -- when he was 15 years of age! At the age of 10 Pierre was teaching his instructors mathematics... John Mason of Bullwell, England, who built the towns last stocks for the confinement of prisoners was so offensive in demanding his payment that he became the first person pilloried in them (1825). Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What woman's son died as she came to the doorstep of her home?
A nice thought from our past -- "The American experience stirred mankind from discovery to exploration, from the cautious quest for what they knew (or what they thought they knew) was out there, to an enthusiastic reaching to the unknown" (Daniel Joseph Boorstein).
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW -- FBI delays Cowboys football practice
Dateline:
October 25, 2001, 8:16 AM EDT
Dallas,
TX (AP)- Football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours
at Valley Ranch for the Dallas Cowboys.
One of
the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down
and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field.
Coach
Dave Campo immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to
investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the cowboy players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
*******************************************************
From a friend: TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Church Jokes
There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.
------------------------------------------------------
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
------------------------------------------------------
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Jeroboam's wife's son -- I Kings 14:17 -- "And Jeroboam's wife arose, and depart, and came to Tizrah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday November 4, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: James Fraser (American Sculptor), 1876; Will Rogers, 1879; Frederick Banting (Canadian researcher and codiscoverer of insulin), 1891; Walter Cronkite, 1916; Gig Young, 1917; Art Carney, 1918; Martin Balsam, 1919; Alfred Heineken, 1923; Loretta Swit, 1937; Markie Post, 1950; Ralph Macchio, 1962; Andrea McArdle, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1825 the first vessel to traverse the Erie Canal arrived in New York. It took nine days to travel from Buffalo to NYC.
On this date in 1841 the first immigrant wagon train arrived in California.
On this date in 1842 Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd.
On this date in 1879 James Ritty was granted a patent for the cash register.
On this date in 1922 King Tut's tomb was discovered by Howard Carter at Luxor, Egypt.
On this date in 1924 Nellie Tayloe Ross, the nation's first governor, was elected in Wyoming.
On this date in 1979 militant Iranian students seized the U.S. embassy in Tehran and took its staff hostage, an ordeal that lasted 444 days.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Christopher Columbus had snow white hair at the age of 30... Albert Lee Bostrom of Kearny, Nebraska, was born in Columbus, Kansas and was married in Columbus, Georgia, on Columbus Day... Wardtown Castle, near Ballyshannon, Ireland, was built to give employment to the starving population. It was completed in 108 days. Each worker was paid 12 cents a day. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What proud father (in the Bible) named a city for his boy?
Makes sense -- "The exploration and ultimate colonization of the solar system is the only future worthy of truly great nations at this time in history. The Soviets, who cannot even feed themselves, seem to understand this" (John S. Powers).
*******************************************************
From a friend --
Someone spotted this sign front of a small rural church:
"As the maintenance of the church cemetery is becoming increasingly costly, it would be appreciated if those who are willing, would clip the grass around their own grave."
Also, a sign in front of a funeral parlor read: "Ask about our layaway plan."
*******************************************************
From
a friend: --AN ALPHABET OF LIFE:
--Act
promptly,
--Be
courteous,
--Cut
out worry,
--Deal
squarely,
--Eat
what is wholesome,
--Forgive
and forget,
--Get
right with God,
--Hope
always,
--Imitate
the best,
--Judge
generously,
--Knock
nobody,
--Love
somebody,
--Make
friends,
--Never
despair,
--Owe
nobody,
--Play
occasionally,
--Quote
the Bible,
--Read
good books,
--Save
something,
--Touch
no alcohol,
--Use
discretion,
--Vote
regularly,
--Watch
your step
--X-ray
yourself,
--Yield
to superiors,
--Zealously
live.
- Author Unknown
*******************************************************
From a friend (edited) -- Critic's Corner
by Charles Lowery
The congregation was not certain that the new preacher could do all that the previous, older preacher had done. The Preacher Search Committee decided to put him to the test. After services, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." Realizing he was being put to the test, the new preacher got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, that preacher is no good -- he can't even swim."
Critics are everywhere. They sit so far back in the church, by the time they hear it, it's already a rumor. They weren't born again they were born against. At the beginning of every meeting you feel like calling on them for a word of criticism just to get it over with. Their favorite TV character was Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Their faces look like Lamentations. They always have that "I'm in pain" look. Maybe it's the side effect of having an artificial heart.
Actually, I always try to be positive with my critics: One came up to me last week and I said, "If I had two more just like you, I'd be a happy man." At first, he didn't know what to say. Then he replied, "Charles, what are you talking about? I'm always criticizing you. Why would you be happy if you had two more like me?" "Because I have twenty more like you. If only I had three, I would be a happy man!"
I wish the critics were more specific in their criticism, like: What kind of kite? What lake? Someone has said that any fool can criticize and condemn and complain, and most fools do. For every step forward, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Many times as leaders, we feel like our organizational colors ought to be black and blue. In fact, all leaders are criticized. Lincoln and Washington, two of our greatest presidents, were the most criticized. Churchill received a standing ovation and a lady commented how flattering it must be to receive that kind of applause. "Yes," he said, "but also know that if it were my hanging, the crowd would be twice the size."
Every great endeavor has its critics. When Robert Fulton first showed off his new invention, the steamboat, skeptics were crowded on the bank yelling, "It'll never start! It'll never start!" It did. It started with a lot of clanking and groaning. As the steamboat made it's way down the river the skeptics were quiet. For one minute. Then they started shouting, "It'll never stop! It'll never stop!
What do you do with your critics? Pray that they will fry in their own grease? What about setting clever traps for them, like the guy who was so upset because his critic was always poking him in the chest. He decided to wire dynamite to his chest so that the next time he poked him, he would go up in smoke. That's not a good idea. Remember that critics who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size. A critic is a legless man trying to teach track and field. Take the rocks thrown at you and build something. Don't be paranoid. Everybody's not out to get you. Don't quit going to football games because you think they are talking about you in the huddle. There is no coat that will insulate you from criticism. Prepare for criticism. The greater the work, the greater the criticism. Remember you only get shot at when you are close to the target.
The best way to handle critics is to remember the canal. The builder of the Panama Canal was besieged with criticism. When asked how he was going to handle the critics, he said, "With the canal." Don't get sidetracked if you are on the right track. Stay positive. One football coach says when you are run out of town, go to the head of the line and look as though you are leading a parade. And of course you cannot make everyone happy.
A new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box along Main Street. He turned to a more seasoned resident and asked, "If everybody is supposed to happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?" The experienced tenant replied, "Because some people aren't really happy unless they complain."
P.S. Especially for Preachers -- Speaking of heaven, I believe that all of the critics will be in one big church and they will have to rotate criticizing each other. Why is that heaven? Because all of their former preachers will get to watch.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Cain was the proud father who named a city for his son -- Genesis 4:17 -- "And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch."
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday November 5, 2001!
Today is Guy Fawkes Day (in the U.K.), during which British children celebrate the foiling of a 1605 plan to blow up the Houses of Parliament.
BIRTHDAYS: Leon Philippe Teisserenc de Bort (French meteorologist who used balloons to investigate the upper atmosphere and who discovered the stratosphere), 1855; Eugene Debs, 1855; Will Durant, 1885; Roy Rogers, 1912; Roy Rogers, 1912; Vivian Leigh, 1913; Ike Turner, 1931; Art Garfunkel, 1941; Elke Sommer, 1941; Sam Shepard, 1943; Bill Walton, 1952; Lloyd Moseby, 1959; Tatum O'Neal, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1639 the first Colonial Post Office was established in Boston, Mass.
On this date in 1781 the first President of the United States was elected. It was not George Washington, but John Hanson of Maryland. His official title was "President of the United States in Congress Assembled". He served for over a year and had six successors before Washington took over.
On this date in 1872 Susan B. Anthony was arrested and fined $ 100 for trying to vote in a presidential election.
On this date in 1895 the first U.S. patent for an automobile was issued to George B. Selden.
On this date in 1911 the first Transcontinental Airplane Flight arrived in Pasadena, CA from New York.
On this date in 1924 the first crossword puzzle book was published.
On this date in 1940 Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first U.S. president elected to a third term.
On this date in 1963 the first radio-tracked grizzly bear began its hibernation.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Egyptian shepherds cooked their eggs without fire by placing them in a string which they swung so rapidly that friction cooked the eggs... The Castle of Bonaguil, France was the first Chateau built to withstand an artillery bombardment. It sold 300 years later for $20 and a bag of walnuts... King Edward III of England was the first monarch in history to be adjudged a bankrupt. A petition in bankruptcy was filed against the king in 1339 when he declared himself unable to repay a loan of $6,675,000. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What 3 boys (in the Bible) had a father five hundred years old?
Think about it -- but not too much -- "If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date" (Olin Miller).
*******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
Lost and Found
Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!
*******************************************************
From
our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:
When
you have nothing to say,
But
still want to keep in touch,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't know what,
Or don't
know how,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't know why,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you have something to say,
But
don't have enough time,
Guess
what you do,
You
forward mails!!!!
When
you are still wanted,
When
you are still remembered,
When
you are still important,
When
you are still loved,
When
you are still cared for,
Guess
what you get?
A FORWARDED
MAIL!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for More Church Jokes --
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
------------------------------------------------------
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
-------------------------------------------------------
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
-------------------------------------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
-------------------------------------------------------
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.
*******************************************************
From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)
Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.
The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."
The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."
The two
then turned to their Baptist Brother who had suddenly become very quiet.
One of them asked, "Well Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would
you have been?"
His
one word reply, "Ashamed."
*******************************************************
From a friend:
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Shem, Ham, and Japheth -- Genesis 5:32 -- had a 500-year-old father, "And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth."
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