Good Morning: It's Friday November 9, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Benjamin Banneker (African-American astronomer and mathematician), 1731; Stanford White, 1853; Florence Sabin (American physician and teacher), 1871; Florence Chadwick, 1918; Spiro T. Agnew, 1919; poet Anne Secton, 1928; Carl Sagan, 1934; Tom Weiskopf, 1942; Lou Ferrigno, 1951.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1906 Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. President to leave the country while in office, sailing for the Panama Canal Zone.
On this date in 1938 Nazis roamed the streets of Germany, destroying Jewish homes, businesses, and synagogues in what came to be known as the "Crystal Night."
On this date in 1965 New York City encountered its first blackout, covering 80,000 square miles. Almost a million East Coast residents were stranded in elevators and subways for up to 13 hours.
On this date in 1976 the U.N. General Assembly approved 10 resolutions condemning South African apartheid.
On this date in 1976 Smokey Bear died at the age of 26.
On this date in 1984 the statue THREE SERVICEMEN was unveiled at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C.
On this date in 1987 Bob Dole, from Russell, KS, announced his candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.
On this date in 1988 George Bush announced that James Baker, former campaign chief for the Bush/Quayle campaign, would serve as Secretary of State.
On this date in 1989 the first crack in the Berlin Wall appeared as East Germany opened many of the checkpoints in the barrier, and, after 28 years, allowed its citizens to come and go.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A newspaper with a circulation of 3 copies a day was published in Vienna for 300 years... King, a Labrador dog, carried a transmission cable across Black Canyon Reservoir -- near Emmett, Idaho -- because a coating of ice was too thin to support a man... John Smith (no relation to your editor), a London street musician, played all popular compositions by drumming on his chin with his fists. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, where is a long description of a perfect wife?
One to think about -- "People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election" (Prince Otto von Bismarck).
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From our archive -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one: THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTH
Here are the answers to some questions that you may have had about pregnancy:
Q.
Should I have a baby after 35?
A.
No, 35 children is enough.
Q.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A.
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A.
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A.
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A.
Childbirth.
Q.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A.
So what's your question?
Q.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A.
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
A.
Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A.
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A.
Yes, pregnancy.
Q.
Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A.
Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A.
When the kids are in college.
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From
StanKegel: Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah:
"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam
and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus:
"The Second Time Around"
Esther:
"I Feel Pretty"
Job:
"I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses:
"The Wanderer"
Jezebel:
"The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson:
"Hair"
Salome:
"I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel:
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua:
"Good Vibrations"
Peter:
"I'm Sorry"
Esau:
"Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach,
Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The
Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah:
"Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah:
"Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah:
"Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar:
"Crazy"
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From a friend: CHECK-OUT REVELATIONS
This Comes From A Former Grocery Bagger Who Just Retired And Has Seen It All
Rule Number 1 -- When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
Rule Number 2 -- Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
Rule Number 3 -- When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
Rule Number 4 -- Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
Rule Number 5 -- When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
Rule Number 6 -- Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
Rule Number 7 -- Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 8 -- Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
Rule Number 9 -- Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 10 -- Don't forget rule NO. 8
Rule Number 11 -- After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
Rule Number 12 -- When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but you don't have to.
Rule Number 13 -- When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
Rule Number 14 -- If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
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ANSWER: The key here is "long" -- in fact, too long to include in its entirety here. You may read it, however, in Proverbs 31:10-31.
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Good Morning: It's Saturday November 10, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Mohammed, 570; Martin Luther, 1483; poet Henry Van Dyke, 1852; Vachel Lindsay (American Poet), 1879; John Knudson Northrup, 1895; Richard Burton, 1925; Donna Fargo, 1949; Jack Anthony Clark, 1955; MacKenzie Phillips, 1959.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1775 the U.S. Marine Corps was established.
On this date in 1801 Tennessee officially outlawed dueling -- that ought to say something about the state of society in that day, that it had to be specifically and officially outlawed...
On this date in 1855 THE SONG OF HIAWATHA, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, was published.
On this date in 1871 Henry Stanley found David Livingstone in Tanganyika and uttered his famous greeting, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume."
On this date in 1885 the world's first motorcycle -- a 1/2-horsepower engine mounted on a wooden bicycle frame -- was invented by a German Gottlieb Daimler.
On this date in 1903 the windshield wiper was patented by Mary Anderson of Massachusetts.
On this date in 1926 Hirohito became emperor of Japan.
On this date in 1938 American writer Pearl Buck was awarded the Nobel Prize in literature.
On this date in 1951 coast-to-coast direct-dial phone service began.
On this date in 1954 the Iwo Jima Memorial was dedicated in Arlington, VA.
On this date in 1969 "Sesame Street" debuted.
On this date in 1986 Bruce Springsteen's live album arrived in stores, selling over a million copies "instantly". It was the best-selling 5-record set ever.
On this date in 1988 John Mitchell, the only US Attorney General to do time in jail (maybe not the only one deserving such...), died of a heart attack at the age of 75.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Echo Bridge in Newton Upper Falls, Mass. repeats every word spoken beneath it 17 times... King Jean II (1319-1364) of France, to arrest Charles II of Navarre, rode from Orleans to Rouen -- a distance of 165 miles -- without changing horses or stopping even once to rest. He completed the trip in 20 hours... The first pencils -- made in 1640 -- were bars of solid silver. Believe it, or not.
TRIVIA: What peculiar price did David pay for his first wife?
A good thought -- "Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it" (Gordon R. Dickson).
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From our archive -- From a Friend (and a wise one, at that...)
Former
president Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the
boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing
with that dog?"
One of
the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but
only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can
tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.
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Thanks to CRJ in The SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL: SHE KNEW TOO MUCH BIBLE
A little girl was invited by a priest to attend religious instruction. She refused, saying it would be against her father’s wishes. The priest said that since he was a religious instructor, she should obey him, not her father. "Oh, Sir," she replied, "We are taught in the Bible to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother."
"But I am your spiritual Father," said to priest -- to which she replied, "No. The Bible says, ‘Call no man your father upon the earth for one is your Father, which is in heaven.’"
The priest was not anxious to lose a religious discussion to one so young. He said, "You have no business reading the Bible."
"But," she replied, "Then why did Jesus say, ‘Search the Scriptures’?" He answered, "But that command is only to the clergy. Surely you know that a little child cannot understand the Scriptures." "Then why," she asked, "did Paul say to Timothy: ‘From a child thou hast known the holy Scriptures’?"
Surely there was some way to get the best of this young upstart. Said the priest, "Timothy was being trained to be a bishop and he was taught by the church authorities." "No, sir," said the little girl. "He had been taught by his mother and his grandmother. At least, that’s what Paul said."
The priest turned away and someone said they heard him mutter, "She knows enough Bible to poison a whole parish." --author unknown (Adapted from The Key Word, Memphis, Tennessee)
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Thanks to a good friend -- Don't Underestimate A First Grader
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless. A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you:
Better
to be safe than...punch a 5th grader
Never
underestimate the power of...termites
You
can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't
bite the hand that...looks dirty
No
news is...impossible
A miss
is as good as a...Mr.
You
can't teach an old dog new...math
If you
lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning
Love
all, trust...me
The
pen is mightier than the...pigs
An
idle mind is...the best way to relax
Where
there's smoke there's...pollution
Happy
the bride who...gets all the presents
A
penny saved is...not much
Two's
company, three's...the Musketeers
Don't
put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed
Laugh and
the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None
are so blind as...Stevie Wonder
Children
should be seen and not...spanked or grounded
If at
first you don't succeed...get new batteries
You
get out of something what you...see pictured on the box
When
the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way
And
the favourite...
Better
late than...pregnant
*******************************************************
From ANDYCHAPS:
** "There is no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have. Thanksgiving opens the windows of opportunity for ideas to flow your way." Jim Rohn **
** Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein **
** "It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles." -- Claude M. Bristol **
** Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. - Louisa May Alcott, Author **
*******************************************************
ANSWER: David paid two hundred Philistine prepuces -- I Sam. 18:27 -- "Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday November 11, 2001!
Happy Birthday Sue Roney!!!
Officially, it is Veterans Day. Of course, the day off comes tomorrow.
BIRTHDAYS: Abigail Adams, 1744; George S. Patton, 1885; Howard Fast, 1914; William Proxmire, 1915; Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., 1922; Jonathan Winters, 1925; Bibi Anderson, 1935; Fuzzy Zoeller, 1951.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1647 Massachusetts passed the first compulsory school law in America.
On this date in 1868 The New York Athletic Club held the first indoor track meet.
On this date in 1889 Washington became the 42nd State.
On this date in 1909 work began on the U.S. Naval Base at Pearl Harbor.
On this date in 1918 an Armistice was proclaimed which ended the First World War.
On this date in 1919 Britain observed 2 minutes of silence to honor those who died in World War I.
On this date in 1921 an unknown soldier was buried at Arlington.
On this date in 1933 the great black blizzard, a storm that kicked up a mile-high wall of dust, ravaged thousands of acres of the Great Plains.
On this date in 1939 Kate Smith first sang "God Bless America" on television.
On this date in 1981 Fernando Valenzuela of the Los Angeles Dodgers became the first rookie to win baseball's Cy Young Award.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The Bible mentions blindness in Lev. 21:18... boils in Ex. 9:9-10... deafness in Mark 7:32-35... dropsy in Luke 14:2... dysentery in Acts 28:8... eczema in Deut. 28:27... fever in Matthew 8:14-15... gangrene in II Tim. 2:17... hemorrhages in Matt. 9:20... leprosy in Num. 12... paralysis in Mark 2:1-12... sores in Lk. 16:20... tumors in I Sam. 5:6... and ulcers in Deut. 28:27.
TRIVIA: What Hebrew Exile married the daughter of an Egyptian priest?
A profound one -- "Not houses finely roofed or the stones of walls well builded, nay nor canals and dockyards make the city, but men able to use their opportunity" (Alcaeus, 611 - 580 BC).
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From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for this one:
CLASSIC
VERSION:
The
ant works hard all summer building his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so
he dies out in the wet cold.
-----------------------------------------------------
MODERN
VERSION:
The ant
works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying
up supplies for the winter.
The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and lays the summer
away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of
the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food.
America
is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such
wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit
the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they
sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse
Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news
stations film the group singing "We shall overcome".
Jesse
then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al
Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich
off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant
to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the
"Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.
The
ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by
the government.
Hillary
gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that
Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses
the case.
The
story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has
disappeared in the snow.
The
grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.
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Thanks to JLH: FOOLISH QUESTIONS
The following is a "top ten" list of silliest questions asked on a cruise ship. They were collected in 1998 by Paul Grayson, cruise director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.
10.
Do these steps go up or down?
9.
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8.
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7.
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6.
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5.
Does the ship make its own electricity?
4.
Is it salt water in the toilets?
3.
What elevation are we at?
2.
There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next
day. The question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I
know which ones are mine?
1.
What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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Thanks to LBS:
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a donkey from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the donkey asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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From a friend: Flying Chips
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Joseph was the exile who married the daughter of an Egyptian priest -- Genesis 41:45 -- "And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On."
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Good Morning: It's Monday November 12, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 1815; composer Aleksandr Borodin, 1833; Auguste Rodin, 1840; Jack Oakie, 1903; Kim Hunter, 1922; Marjorie Sharmat (children's author), 1928; Grace Kelly, 1929; Alma Heflin (first female American test pilot), 1941; Stephanie Powers, 1942; Neil Young, 1945; Nadia Comaneci, 1961.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1799 a dazzling meteor shower was observed in South Africa by the German naturalist Alexander von Humboldt.
On this date in 1859 Jules Leotard, a French acrobat, introduced the flying trapeze at a circus in Paris.
On this date in 1892 professional football had its modest start as William "Pudge" Heffelfinger became the first pro player. He received $25 for expenses and a cash bonus of $500. That would buy today's average pro for less than 30 seconds! He was well worth it, though; he scored the winning touchdown for the Allegheny Athletic Association against the Pittsburgh Athletic Club.
On this date in 1912 the first movie stuntman jumped from a dynamited balloon into the Hudson River.
On this date in 1927 the Holland Tunnel, which runs under New York's Husdon River, was opened.
On this date in 1954 Ellis Island, which since 1892 had processed more than 20 million immigrants to the United States, was closed.
On this date in 1956 the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that segregation on public buses was unconstitutional.
On this date in 1975 the World Health Organization announced that Asia was free of smallpox for the first time in history.
On this date in 1980 Voyager I, an unmanned U.S. spacecraft, passed Saturn and transmitted new information about the planet's rings.
On this date in 1981 the second launching of the Space Shuttle Columbia marked the first time a space vehicle was rescued.
On this date in 1985 Brandon Stoddard was named president of ABC Entertainment.
On this date in 1987 Van Gogh's "IRISES" sold for $53.9million according to the New York Times.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: In Bible times myrtle, saffron, myrrh, and spikenard were used in personal hygiene... Olive oil and "balm of Gilead" were used for wounds and sores... Wine mixed with myrrh was used as a painkiller... It was believed that mandrake roots would help a woman to conceive children.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, who was commanded not to mourn for his wife?
Sounds about right... "Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up on rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing" (Meg Chittenden).
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From our archive --
From aGrinaDay: This IS a Garage Sale?** ````````
Working in the antique trade, I'm always on the lookout for good merchandise.
One afternoon in a neighboring town, I happened upon a small back street garage, and I could see a collection of fine silver laid out on tables.
Hopping out of the car, I began examining some candlesticks.
One of the men approached me and asked if he could help.
"This is a Garage Sale, isn't it?" I asked.
"No ma'am," he replied........."This is a Police Raid."
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From a friend: Lawyer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"
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From a friend: Computer based TV --
Television shows that may be appearing soon as a result of the electronic and computer age:
Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.
Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.
Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?
The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files - no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.
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From a friend: No Enemies
A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation. "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the minister approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived 'em all."
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From a friend: How Do You Spell That?
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakastani boy and asked his name..... "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied. "How do you spell that? asked the teacher. "My mother helps me" said the little boy.
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From a friend: Parenting
Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" A nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage."
My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry. They all go through this stage, and then you can sit back, relax, and enjoy them." My mother listened and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults."
By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable, I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it.
But I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's wan smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right?" "Call me the minute you get home." " Are you depressed about something?"
Can
it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one
another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the
fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse? Or is it a virtue that elevates us to
the highest form of life?
One of
my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were
you? I've been calling for three days, and no one answered. I was
worried." I smiled a wan smile.
The
torch has been passed.
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ANSWER: Ezekiel (24:15-18) was commanded not to mourn for his wife -- "Also the word of the Lord came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke: yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down... So I spake unto the people in the morning as I was commanded."
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Good Morning: It's Tuesday November 13, 2001!
Happy
Birthday Doran Deal!
Happy
Birthday Angela Killingsworth!
BIRTHDAYS: Robert Louis Stevenson, 1850; Louis
Brandeis, 1856; Richard Mulligan, 1932; Garry Marshall, 1934; Dack Rambo, 1941;
Charlie Tucker, 1953; Vinny Testaverde, 1963.
THIS DAY IN
HISTORY:
On this date
in 1851 MOBY-DICK was published.
On this date
in 1865 gold certificates, used in place of money or gold to pay debts, were
first issued.
On this date
in 1927 the Holland Tunnel, running under the Hudson River between New York
City and Jersey City, New Jersey opened to traffic.
On this date
in 1933 the first recorded sit-down strike in the United States took place at
the Hormel Packing Co., in Austin, Minn.
On this date
in 1939 the Rotolactor, a rotating milking machine capable of milking 1,680
cows in 7 hours, was demonstrated by its inventor, Henry Jeffers.
On this date
in 1940 Walt Disney's FANTASIA, the first film with stereophonic sound,
premiered in New York.
On this date
in 1946 the first artificial snow was produced at Mt. Greylock, Mass.
On this date
in 1956 the U.S. Supreme Court declared racial segregation on public buses
unconstitutional.
On this date
in 1969 3 days of demonstrations against the Vietnam War began. Hundreds of thousands of Americans
participated.
On this date
in 1982 the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.
MEANINGLESS
FACTS: These might not be so
meaningless, especially if you have ever wandered what value various
measurements mentioned in the Bible have in today's market -- a Bath, aka
ephah, = 38.5 pints; a Beka, aka 1/2 shekel, = 0.25 ounces; a Bushel, 8 quarts,
= 15 pints; a Cab, 1/4 seah, = 3.5 pints; a Cor, aka Homer, =48.5 gallons; a
Cubit, = 17.5 inches. More
tomorrow.
TRIVIA: What judge of Israel was a great
polygamist?
One to think on...
"Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls
topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders" (Ronald
Wilson Reagan).
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From Our
Archive -- Thanks to D.N. for this one: The Mule
There was a
farmer named Farmer Jake. He had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when
he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed
while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and
complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the
wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake,
Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he
would nod his head up and down.But when the men came up and spoke quietly to
him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the
wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and
asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women
and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well,"
Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was
so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down."
The men all
asked, "Is that mule for sale?"
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Thanks to
LBS for a thoughtful one... Manly joke
A group of
girlfriends go on vacation and they see a new five-story hotel with a sign that
reads "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. A very
attractive guy at the front desk explains how the hotel works..... "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor
and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has a sign telling you what's
inside the rooms."
So they
start going up and on the 1st floor the sign reads "All the men here are
horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on
the 2nd floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they
generally treat women badly."
This certainly wasn't going
to do!
The friends
move up to the 3rd floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to
the needs of women." They
agree that this is good, but there
are still 2 more floors! They move
on to the 4th floor.
On the 4th
floor the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds and are
sensitive and attentive to women.
They are perfect lovers.
They are also single, loyal, rich and straight."
The women
seem pleased but they all decide that they would rather see what the 5th floor
has to offer before they settle for the 4th.
The women
reach the 5th floor but find that there is only a lobby with a sign that reads: "There are no
rooms or any men here. This floor was built to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
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Thanks to
LBS: VETERANS DAY
BY FATHER
DENIS EDWARD O'BRIEN, USMC
IT IS THE
SOLDIER, NOT THE REPORTER, WHO HAS GIVEN US FREEDOM OF THE PRESS.
IT IS THE
SOLDIER, NOT THE POET, WHO HAS GIVEN US FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
IT IS THE
SOLDIER, NOT THE CAMPUS ORGANIZER, WHO HAS GIVEN US THE FREEDOM TO DEMONSTRATE.
IT IS THE
SOLDIER WHO SALUTES THE FLAG, WHO SERVES BENEATH THE FLAG, AND WHOSE COFFIN
IS DRAPED BY
THE FLAG, WHO ALLOWS THE PROTESTER TO BURN THE FLAG.
Ralph - A
poem paying tribute to our nation's veterans. Jess Pena - retired 3884
*******************************************************
Thanks to
LBS: Problems of a Healthy Diet
An elderly
couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here
is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and
two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many
bars located throughout the area."
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat
bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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Thanks to
LBS: If.....
If you can start the day without
caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring
aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day
and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved
ones are too busy to give you
any time,
if you can overlook it when those you
love take it out on you when,
though no fault of yours, something
goes wrong,
if you can take criticism and blame
without resentment,
if you can resist treating a rich
friend better than a poor friend,
if you can face the world without lies
and deceit,
if you can conquer tension without
medical help,
if you can relax without liquor,
if you can sleep without the aid of
drugs,
if you can honestly say that deep in
your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender
preference, or politics, THEN, you have reached the same level of development
as your dog.
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ANSWER: Gideon -- Judges 8:30 -- "And
Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives."
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