Good Morning:  It's Monday May 21, 2001!
SPECIAL ENON BIRTHDAY:  Happy Birthday to Enon member and list member KEITH KILLINGSWORTH!!!  We hope it is a great one for him.
BIRTHDAYS:  Poet Alexander Pope, 1688; Fats Waller, 1904; Harold Robbins, 1916; Raymond Burr, 1917; Peggy Cass, 1924; Leo Sayer, 1948; Mr. T, 1952.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1881 Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross in Washington, D.C.
On this date in 1918 the House of Representatives passed the Nineteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
On this date in 1927 Charles Lindbergh landed in Paris, France.
On this date in 1955 the first transcontinental round-trip solo flight was completed.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain (so does mine)... The human tooth has approximately fifty miles of canals in it... Your heel is the body part least sensitive to pain.
TRIVIA:  How many teeth does a typical dog have?
     Here is a good one from Morey (Buddy Sorrell from the Dick Van Dyke Show) Amsterdam:  "According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds.  I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him."  On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to my Sister!  Bulletin Boards
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.  -God
C'mon over and bring the kids.  -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?  -God
We need to talk.  -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.  -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.  -God
I love you and you and you and you and...  -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?  -God
Follow me.  -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.  -God
My way is the highway.  -God
Need directions?  -God
You think it's hot here?  -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.  -God
Do you have any idea where you're going?  -God
(And my personal favorite...)  Don't make me come down there. -God
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Thanks to a friend:  Recollections about the - Dollar Bill
Take out a one-dollar bill and look at it. The one-dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design.  This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it.  It is actually material.  We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know.  It is resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look. If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States.  That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know. If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.  Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States.  The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved. If you look at the left hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.  Notice the face is lighted and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning.  We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization.  The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished.  Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, and ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency.  The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS means, "God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun."  At the base of the pyramid is the Roman numeral for 1776. If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery and is the centerpiece of most heroes' monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States and it is always visible whenever he speaks; yet no one knows what the symbols mean. The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: 1.)  He is not afraid of a storm; he is strong and he is smart enough to soar above it. 2.)  He wears no material crown; we had just broken from the King of  England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported.   This country can now stand on its own.   At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.   In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning "one nation from many people." Above the Eagle you have thirteen stars representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.  Again, we were coming together as one.  Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons.   He holds an olive Branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows. They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.  This is almost a worldwide belief.   You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But, think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in  "E PLURIBUS UNUM", 13 stars above the eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle's wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And for minorities: the 13th Amendment. Why don't we know this?" Your children don't know this and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.  Tell everyone what is on the back of the one-dollar bill and what it stands for, because nobody else will.
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ANSWER:  42 -- 20 on top and 22 on the lower jaw.
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Good Morning:  It's Tuesday May 22, 2001!
SPECIAL ENON BIRTHDAY:  Happy Birthday to Raymond Wiehe!  We hope it is a great one!
BIRTHDAYS:  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859; Sir Laurence Olivier, 1907; critic Judith Crist, 1922; Charles Aznavour, 1924; Richard Benjamin, 1938; Susan Strasberg, 1938; Tommy John, 1943.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1947 the Truman Doctrine went into effect.
On this date in 1992 it was "Therrrrrre Goes Johnny!"  After a reign that spanned the Cuban Missile Crisis, Woodstock, Watergate, disco, Reagan and the Gulf War Johnny Carson retired from "The Tonight Show".
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Christmas is celebrated with fireworks in Brazil... Terlingua, Texas is a ghost town that hosts the annual International Chili Society's cook off... Last Chance Gulch, the 1860's mining camp, later changed its name to Helena and is now the capital of Montana.
TRIVIA:  Charles Chaplin's chaplain chided Charlie constantly concerning Chaplin's cow-like chewing.  How many C's are there in all?
     Josh Billings said (and I offer without comment):  "Be kind to your mother-in-law, and if necessary pay for her board at some good hotel."  On to the real material...
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Thanks to LBS:  PEOPLE OF OUR WORD
A duck walked into a feed store and asked the owner, "Do you have any duck food?"
The proprietor replied, "No, we don't have any duck food."
The next day the duck walked into the same feed store and asked the owner, "Do you have any duck food?"
The feed store owner was an ill-mannered, impatient man. He yelled at the duck, "I told you yesterday! We don't have any duck food. Now get out of here and don't come back or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"
Again, on the next day, the duck walked into the same feed store. This time he asked the store owner, "Do you have any nails?"
"Nope. We don't have nails."
"Then do you have any duck food?"
I suppose we've all made threats from time to time that we never intended to carry out.  Those of us who are parents find that our children catch on very quickly to whether or not we intend to carry through on the
promises and threats we make to them.
As Christians, we want to be known as a people of our word.  Jesus stressed how important that is.  We shouldn't have to play word games like, "Well, if I say it like this, then I mean what I say, otherwise I don't."  We need to develop a reputation as a people of our word.
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Thanks to a friend:  Rich or Poor?
I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12, and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.
By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home.
A month before Easter the preacher of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.
When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1. We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.
Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.
The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change. We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before. That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.
We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet. But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.
When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20. As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.
Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night. We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.
That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!
I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed.
All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know.
We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way. Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week. Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering. When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church." Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."
We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. Author Unknown
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ANSWER:  There are no C's in "all".  Sorry about that...
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Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 23, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Douglas Fairbanks, 1883; Artie Shaw, 1910; John Payne, 1912; Rosemary Clooney, 1928; Joan Collins, 1933; Marvin Hagler, 1952.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1785 Benjamin Franklin was old enough to need bifocals, so he invented them.
On this date in 1922 the play ABIE'S IRISH ROSE opened on Broadway in New York City.
On this date in 1934 Bonnie and Clyde's crime spree came to an abrupt end in a hail of bullets in Louisiana.
On this date in 1934 also Nylon was first produced by Dr. Wallace H. Carothers, a research chemist at Du Pont laboratories.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Caves have been found in every state except Rhode Island... It would take twenty states the size of New Hampshire to fill up the state of Texas... Florida's state song is "Old Folks at Home".
TRIVIA:  Can you identify the cities bearing the following nicknames?  A. Rubber capital of the world; B. Pretzel city; C. Peanut City; D. Magic city; E. The world's playground.
     Here's an anonymous quote to start our Wednesday off:  "Mary had an little lamb.  The doctor fainted."  On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to JLLH and LBS for this interesting warning:
If you lick your envelopes...You probably won't anymore!
This is a true story reported on CNN A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat.
She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva.  It was warm and moist... This is a true story reported on CNN.
In response, Andy Hume wrote:
Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the...things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years.
Another reader wrote:
I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes. I think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I always buy the self sealing type envelopes. Or if  I need to use the type that has to be wet to stick, I use a glue stick to seal that one.
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Thanks to JLLH for an old favorite:  OBITUARY NOTICE!!
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.
He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.
Finally, when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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Thanks to AB:  THE "U" IN JESUS
Before U were thought of or time had begun,
God even stuck U in the name of His Son.
And each time U pray, you'll see it's true
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.

You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.
And His great love for U is the reason He died.

It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan.
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.

When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all -  Just like I love U.

So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?
It all depends now on what U will do,
He'd like them to know
But it all starts with U.

-- Author Unknown
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ANSWER:  A. - Akron, Ohio; B. - Reading, Pennsylvania; C. - Suffolk, Virginia; D. - Birmingham, Alabama; E. - Atlantic City, New Jersey.
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Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 24, 2001!
Special List Member Birthday:  Happy Birthday to Aaron Bigham!
BIRTHDAYS:  Wilbur Mills, 1909; Lilli Palmer, 1914; Gary Burghoff, 1934; Bob Dylan, 1941; Frank Oz, 1944; Priscilla Presley, 1946; Jeffrey Kreismer, 1986.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1819 Queen Victoria of England was born (celebrated as "Victoria Day" on the closest Monday to the date each year).
On this date in 1844 Samuel F.B. Morse sent his first telegraph message.
On this date in 1883 the Brooklyn Bridge opened.
On this date in 1935 baseball fans saw the light as the first major league baseball game was played at night at Crosley Field in Cincinnati.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The Gap clothing store chain opened in 1969 in San Francisco and was named by its owners, Donald and Doris Fisher, after the "generation gap"... IBM was originally called the Computing-Tabulating-Recording Company... And Nike was originally named Blue Ribbon Sports.  The athletic shoemakers changed the name in 1968 to Nike after the Greek goddess of victory.
TRIVIA:  Which of these is a butterfly?  A. Swallowtail; B. Fantail; C. Fish tail; D. None of the above.
     Andy Rooney said, "The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books.  The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it."  I hope you enjoy the material!
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From a friend:  The Owl Story
Two taxidermists stopped before a window where an owl was on display. They began to criticize the work of the unknown taxidermist who had prepared the display. They pointed out that it was mounted incorrectly, the wings were not in proportion to its head, the feathers were not arranged properly, and the owl's claws could be improved.
 They were just about to move on when the owl turned his head and winked at them.  Think about it...
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Thanks to JLLH:  Milk and Honey
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel.  It will be a land of mountains, sparkling lakes, forests, and high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches."  God continued, "I shall call the inhabitants Israelis, and they shall be known to all the people on earth."
"But Lord," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous with these Israelis?"
"Not really," God replied, "just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them."
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Thanks to AB:  YOU HEARD IT HERE
What did the space visitor say to the gas pump? Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!
What did they tell the cannibal who came to dinner late? Everybody's eaten.
MARRIAGE
Husband: Janice, when I see you in that hat, I laugh.
Wife: Good! I'll put it on when the bill comes in.
"I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray?" "Why not? He's loved you through three shades already."
Wife: Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded.
Husband: Where is it?
Wife: In the swimming pool.
Husband: It's flooded.
OH, FOR THE MEMORY OF IT ALL
He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle with lying.
One way to improve your memory is to lend people money.
A wise man once told me that the best thing about memories is that you can remember them without having to relive them.
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From a friend:  I Did Not Know His Love Before

 
I did not know His love before,
The way I know it now.
I could not see my need for Him,
My pride would not allow.
I had it all, without a care,
The “self-sufficient’ lie.
My path was smooth, my sea was still,
Not a cloud was in my sky.

I thought I knew His love for me,
I thought I’d seen His grace,
I thought I did not need to grow,
I thought I’d found my place.
But then the way grew rough and dark,
The storm clouds quickly rolled;
The waves began to rock my ship,
I found I had no hold.

The ship that I had built myself
Was made of foolish pride.
It fell apart and left me bare,
With nowhere else to hide
I had no strength or faith to face
The trials that lay ahead,
And so I simply spoke His name
And bowed my weary head.

His loving arms enveloped me,
And then He helped me stand.
He said, “You still must face this storm,
But I will hold your hand.”
So through the dark and lonely night
He guided me through pain.
I could not see the light of day
Or when I’d smile again.

Yet through the pain and endless tears,
My faith began to grow.
I could not see it at the time,
But my light began to glow.
I saw God’s love in a brand new light,
His grace and mercy, too.
For only when all self was gone
Could Jesus’ love shine through.
 
Author Unknown
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Thanks to a (female) friend:  The wrath of a woman
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."  The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer.  Only when he's been drinking."
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Thanks to JLLH:  (NOTE:  I changed a few location names to make a certain State whence I came look a bit better... TS)
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.  The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash.  Biol.  Surv." until the agency received the following letter from a Texas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds.  I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
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ANSWER:  A. - (Did you hear about the two caterpillars who were talking to one another when a butterfly flew over?  One said to the other:  "You'll never get me up in one of those things...")
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Good Morning:  It's Friday May 25, 2001!
Special Birthday:  Freda Smith, my wife, was born on this date some... well, let's say... maybe, a few... hmmm.  She was born in 1963.  Happy birthday!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803; aeronautical engineer Igor Sikorsky, 1889; Bennett Cerf, 1898; Claude Akins, 1918; Miles Davis, 1926; Tom T. Hall, 1936; Dixie Carter, 1939; Leslie Uggams, 1943; Karen Valentine, 1947; Connie Selleca, 1955.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in AD 735 the Anglo-Saxon scholar Bede awoke in his monk's cell at the Jarrow monastery ready to dictate the last chapter of his translation of the Gospel according to St. John.  He told his scribe, "Take up your pen and write quickly."  Upon completion of his translation, tradition holds that he knelt down to pray and died.
On this date in 1787 the first session of the Constitutional Convention was held.  It was to have started on the 14th of May, but a quorum didn't convene until this day.
On this date in 1968 the Gateway Arch in St. Louis formally opened.
On this date in 1986 an estimated 6 million Americans linked hands in "Hands Across America".
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The Custer Battlefield Monument in Montana has the world's first solar-powered toilet... The Washington Monument sinks an average of six inches a year... The presidential mansion in South Korea is known as the Blue House.
TRIVIA:  Which of the following Major League Baseball pitchers is the only man in ML history to hold back to back no hitters?  A. Allie Reynolds; B. Jim Maloney; C. Johnny Vander Meer; D. Sandy Koufax; E. Nolan Ryan.
     I don't know anything about Irv Kupcinet, but I like the following quote from him:  "What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?"  On to the real material!
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Thanks to a friend:  Seek Christ Earnestly
There is a story told of a vessel that was wrecked and was going down at sea. There were not enough lifeboats to take all on board. When the vessel went down, some of the lifeboats were near the vessel. A man swam from the wreck to one of the boats, but they had no room to take him on. When they refused, he seized hold of the boat with his right hand, but they took a sword and cut off his fingers. When he had lost the fingers of his right hand, the man was so earnest to save his life that he seized the boat with his left hand. They cut off the fingers of that hand too. Then the man swam up and seized the boat with his teeth. Now they had compassion on him and relented. They could not cut off his head, so they took him in, and the man's life was saved. Why? Because he was in earnest. Why not seek your souls salvation as that man sought to save his life? author unknown
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Thanks to a friend:  Old Song
 
He cleansed the spotted leper;
He opened blinded eyes;
He walked on troubled waters,
Astounded passers by,
Forgave the sinful woman,
Raised Lazarus from the dead,
Took bread from one small basket,
And then ten thousand fed.
He's the Oak, and I'm the ivy.
He's the Potter; I'm the clay.
He's the Oil; I'm just the vessel.
I'm the traveler; He's the Way.
I'm the flower; He's the Fragrance.
I'm the lamp, but He's the Flame.
He's the words I sing to music;
I'm the bride who claims His name.
Sweet Jesus, sweet Jesus, what a wonder You are.
You're brighter than the morning star.
You're fairer, much fairer
Than the lily that grows by the wayside;
Precious, more precious than gold.
 
author unknown
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Thanks to a new contributor, D56:  Boys In Trouble (pretty cute)
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Thanks to AB:  Dear Diary:
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Dan. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The  neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls"
Tuesday: Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Dan brought a friend home for dinner.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:  Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday:  I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Dan did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out like hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  Well, you had to know it would be hard -- it was C. Johnny Vander Meer.  He no-hit the Boston Braves on June 11, 1938 and then in his next start repeated the feat by no-hitting the Brooklyn Dodgers.
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Good Morning:  It's Saturday May 26, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Al Jolson, 1886; John Wayne, 1907; James Arness, 1923; Jim Frey, 1931; Brent Musburger, 1939; Darrell Evans, 1947; Stevie Nicks, 1948; Hank Williams Jr., 1949; Sally Ride, 1951; Wesley Walker, 1955.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1886 Asa Yoelson was born.  When Asa was born on this date in Srednike, Russia, his parents had no idea that they would migrate to the U.S.  But they soon did.  In fact, they had no idea that Asa would change his name either.  But he did.  He is a world famous singer, a jazz singer no less.  He sang his way up from the Rialto vaudevill theaters to Ziegfeld's Follies and finally to the "big screen".  Thousands of highly talented performers have tried to imitate him, and more -- they respect him as a bonafide leader in his field.  His famous line -- "You ain't heard nothin' yet, folks."  We know him as Al Jolson.
On this date in 1954 the Egyptian Pharaoh Cheops' funeral ship was discovered.  Cheops ordered the construction of some of Egypt's great pyramids thousands of years ago.  When he died, he was buried in a funeral ship built for his other-worldly journey.  It was uncovered near the Pyramid of Giza.
On this date in 1978 Atlantic City became the first city outside Nevada to offer legalized casino gambling.
On this date in 1979 Israel formally returned El Arish to Egypt, after having occupied it for over a decade.  The next day, the border between Israel and Egypt was opened.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  500,000 trees are used to supply Americans with their Sunday newspapers every week (and I think that is a good thing)... Americans get almost 2 million tons of junk mail annually (a bad thing), using approximately 100 million trees... The oldest tree ever was a bristlecone pine found in eastern Nevada.  When it was cut down, it was estimated to be 5,100 years old.
TRIVIA:  True or False:  In the typical American household, the television is on about four hours a day.
     Art Linkletter is usually good for a nice quote, let's see one:  "The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence."  Sure enough...  Now, on to the real stuff!
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Thanks to D56:  "Puppies for Sale"
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies for Sale". Signs have a way of attracting children, and soon a little boy appeared at the store and asked, "How much are you gonna sell those puppies for?"
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37, can I look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled. Out of the back of the store came his dog running down the aisle followed by five little puppies. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy.
"What's wrong with that little dog?" he asked.
The man explained that when the puppy was born the vet said it had a bad hip socket and would limp for the rest of it's life. The little boy got really excited and said "That's the puppy I want to buy!"
The man replied "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll give him to you." The little boy got upset. He looked straight into the man's eyes and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. He is worth every bit as much as the other dogs and I'll pay the full price. In fact, I will give you $2.37 now and 50 cents every month until I have him paid for."
The man countered, "You really don't want to buy this puppy, son. He's never gonna be able to run, jump and play like other puppies."
The little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the man and said, "Well, I don't run so well myself and the little puppy will need someone who understands."
The man was now biting his bottom lip. Tears welled up in his eyes...He smiled and said, "Son, I hope and pray that each and every one of these puppies will have an owner such as you."
In Life It Doesn't Matter Who You Are, But Whether Someone Appreciates You For What You Are, And Accepts You And Loves You Unconditionally.
A Real Friend Is One Who Walks In
When The Rest Of The World Walks Away.
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Thanks to JLLH:  Word Trouble
A new monk arrived at the monastery.  He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.  He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books.  So, the new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this.  He pointed out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "Yes, we have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.  " So, he went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him. So, one of the monks went downstairs to look for him.  He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.  He asked what was wrong.
"The word is celebrate," said the old monk.
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Thanks to LBS:  Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!
A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deck chairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting,  "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
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Thanks to a friend:  READY FOR THE FINAL COMING:
If all the sleepers would wake up,
And all the grumblers would cheer up,
And all the doubters would look up,
And all the Christians would pray up,
And all the non-givers would pay up,
And all the gossipers would shut up,
And all the quarrelers would make up,
And all the slothful would catch up,
And all the cold ones would warm up,
And all the fallen would get up,
And all the hypocrites would clean up,
And all the members would show up,
We would be ready to go up.  (Author Unknown).
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Thanks to a friend: More Good News, Bad News for Preachers (By James Berkley and Kevin A. Miller, Leadership, Vol. 15, no. 4.)
 GOOD NEWS: Your church's new recovery group is well attended.
BAD NEWS:  Your spouse and kids are in it.
GOOD NEWS: Your church is getting lots of free publicity recently.
BAD NEWS:  It's on the crime-reports page.
GOOD NEWS: Your youth director is finally getting kids to attend church.
BAD NEWS:  They're going to the church down the street.
GOOD NEWS: With your new wireless microphone, everybody can understand your sermons.
BAD NEWS: The hard-of-hearing suddenly discover they disagree with you.
GOOD NEWS: People have caught the vision for church growth.
BAD NEWS:  Now they ask why it's not happening.
GOOD NEWS: The people missed you during your vacation.
BAD NEWS:  They also missed attending church and giving.
GOOD NEWS: The new donated computer is loaded with all the best technological advances...
BAD NEWS: ... for 1983.
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ANSWER:  False -- not even close.  The TV is on almost 7 1/2 hours a day!
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Good Morning:  It's Sunday May 27, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Isadora Duncan, 1878; scientist Rachel Carson, 1907; Hubert Humphrey, 1911; Vincent Price, 1911; Herman Wouk, 1915; Henry Kissinger, 1923; Lee Meriwether, 1935; Lou Gossett, Jr., 1936; Christopher Dodd, 1944; Pat Cash, 1965.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1647 Achsah Young was the first person executed as a witch in Windsor, Connecticut.
On this date in 1937 the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened.
On this date in 1979 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israli Prime Minister Menachem Begin announced the opening of the border between Egypt and Israel.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Dr. Kissinger's real name is Heinz, not Henry... A tuna can swim a hundred miles in one day... Approximately 98% of all coupons go unused.
TRIVIA:  Which person on today's birthday list was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter?
     Henry Kissinger said, "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."  Probably.  On to the real stuff.
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Thanks to AB for an old favorite:  I Chop Wood
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.  The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"  The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"  The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.  The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"  The young man says, "I chop wood!"  "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"  "I chop wood!"  "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"  "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"  "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"  The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
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Thanks to LBS:  Ever wonder why?
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
"When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes."
"And to let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me."
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and wanted to send you a smile."
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Thanks to a friend for an old favorite:  Obituary
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."  It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore. ~ Author Unknown
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Thanks to a friend:  WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR TOMBSTONE?
The following are reported to be actual epitaphs on tombstones:
Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid
And she died an old Mann. (Bath Abbey, England)
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les
No Moore (Tombstone, Arizona)
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin',
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin. (Burlington, Massachusetts)
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones
Her name was Briggs,
It was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
(Skaneateles, New York)
Here under this sod and under these trees
Is buried the body of Solomon Pease.
But here in his hole lies only his pod
His soul is shelled out and gone up to God.
(Falkirk Scotland)
He called Bill Smith a liar.
(Cripplecreek, Colorado)
Beneath this stone, this lump of clay
Lies uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels. (Medway, Mass.)
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
Began to hold her tongue. (Hatfield, Mass.)
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Thanks to LBS:  Rolling Blackout Theme Song
(To the theme music from the TV western "Rawhide")
 
Rollin', rollin', rollin',
Though the state is golden,
Keep them blackouts rollin', statewide.
A little colder weather,
And we all freeze together,
Wishin' more plants were on the line.
All the things I'm missin',
Like lights and television,
Are waiting 'til we can pay the price.
(Chorus)
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off,
Shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out,
Charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the polls fix the mess, statewide!

Keep movin', movin', movin',
Though they're disapprovin',
Keep them rates a-movin', statewide.
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just raise, charge, and collect 'em.
Soon we'll be livin' high and wide.
My heart's calculatin',
Nuclear plants will be waitin',
Be waitin' at the end of my ride.
(Chorus)
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off,
Shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out,
Charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the polls fix the mess, statewide!
STATEWIDE!!! Hyaah!!
 
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ANSWER:  Given the choice, it wasn't THAT hard, was it?  Of all the people ont he list, Henry Kissinger has done the most "globetrotting" by far.
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Good Morning:  It's Monday May 28, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Athlete Jim Thorpe, 1888; Ian Fleming, 1908; Caroll Baker, 1931; Rudolph Guiliani, 1944; Gladys Knight, 1944; Sondra Locke, 1947; Kirk Gibson, 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1892 the Sierra Club was organized by John Muir in San Francisco.
On this date in 1923 the U.S. Attorney General determined that it was legal for women to wear trousers where and when they please.
On this date in 1928 the Dodge Brothers, Inc. and the Chrysler Corporation merged.
On this date in 1929 the first all-color talking picture, ON WITH THE SHOW, was exhibited.
On this date in 1934 an international sensation began with the birth of quintuplets Cecile, Marie, Emile, Yvonne and Annette Dionne in Ontario, Canada.
On this date in 1940 the Dunkirk evacuation began.  More than 300,000 Allied Forces were evacuated from the French shores near Dunkirk in about a week's time following a bitter defeat by the Nazis on the European continent.  Ships, fishing boats, sailing craft of every shape and size crossed the English Channel to rescue the stranded troops in one of the world's largest volunteer missions.  The Dunkirk evacuation did more than bring the fighting men out of what seemed a final, inescapable trap.  It also gave new heart to the British people who gave their time and effort toward the cause.
On this date in 1953 MELODY, the first animated, three-dimensional cartoon in Technicolor, premiered.
On this date in 1961 Amnesty International was founded.
On this date in 1987 a West German pilot landed a private plane in Moscow's Red Square -- for no particular reason.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A hippopotamus can outrun a man... It takes a skunk three weeks to crank out one ounce of foul odor... A 25 pound turkey has about 4,000 feathers.
TRIVIA:  What three animals move their front and hind legs on one side and then their front and hind legs on the other side when they walk?
     Today is Memorial Day!  On this day (specially) we honor those who defended our nation and her freedom!
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Thanks to LBS and J&W R:  MEMORIAL DAY HOLIDAY.......
The things they Carried....
They carried P-38 can openers and heat tabs, watches and dog tags, insect repellent, gum, cigarettes, Zippo lighters, salt tablets, compress bandages, ponchos, Kool-Aid, two or three canteens of water, iodine tablets, sterno, LRRP-rations, and C-rations stuffed in socks. They carried standard fatigues, jungle boots, bush hats, flak jackets and steel pots. They carried the M-16 assault rifle. They carried trip flares and Claymore mines, M-60 machine guns, the M-70 grenade launcher, M-14's, CAR-15's, Stoners, Swedish K's, 66mm Laws, shotguns, .45 caliber pistols, silencers, the sound of bullets, rockets, and choppers, and sometimes the sound of silence. They carried C-4 plastic explosives, an assortment of hand grenades, PRC-25 radios, knives and machetes.
Some carried napalm, CBU's and large bombs; some risked their lives to rescue others. Some escaped the fear, but dealt with the death and damage. Some made very hard decisions, and some just tried to survive. They carried malaria, dysentery, ringworms and leaches. They carried the land itself as it hardened on their boots.
They carried stationery, pencils, and pictures of their loved ones - real and imagined. They carried love for people in the real world and love for one another. And sometimes they disguised that love: "Don't mean nothin'!"
They carried memories for the most part, they carried themselves with poise and a kind of dignity. Now and then, there were times when panic set in, and people squealed or wanted to, but couldn't; when they twitched and made moaning sounds and covered their heads and said "Dear God" and hugged the earth and fired their weapons blindly and cringed and begged for the noise to stop and went wild and made stupid promises to themselves and God and their parents, hoping not to die.
They carried the traditions of the United States military, and memories and images of those who served before them. They carried grief, terror, longing and their reputations. They carried the soldier's greatest fear: the embarrassment of dishonor. They crawled into tunnels, walked point, and advanced under fire, so as not to die of embarrassment. They were afraid of dying, but too afraid to show it. They carried the emotional baggage of men and women who might die at any moment.
They carried the weight of the world.
THEY CARRIED EACH OTHER.
Author Unknown
Remember them this Memorial Day May 28th
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Thanks to PW:  Lost or stolen wallet
Here's some info I hope you will never have to use.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU LOSE YOUR PURSE OR WALLET:
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed using your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (author of this piece) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.
But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know who to call. Keep those where you can find them easily (having to hunt for them is additional stress you WON'T need at that point!) (I put all my important cards and driver's license on a copy machine and copied both sides. I keep this in my credit card file at home.)
File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: I never ever thought to do this:
Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this - almost 2 weeks after the theft - all the damage had been done (there are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert). Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks. The numbers are:
Equifax 1-800 525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW) 1-800-301-7195
Trans Union 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration also has a fraud line at
1-800-269-0271
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ANSWER:  A cat, a camel and a giraffe.
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Good Morning:  It's Tuesday May 29, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Patrick Henry, 1736;  Bob Hope, 1903; John F. Kennedy, 1917; Fay Vincent, 1938; Al Unser, 1939; Tony Geary, 1948.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay became the first men to reach the summit of Mt. Everest.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  You can be fined for playing dominoes in Alabama on Sunday... It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona... Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath (at least) once a year.
TRIVIA:  Think carefully:  A man arrived home late one evening.  When he opened the door he heard the clock chime once.  A half hour later it chimed once.  The same thing happened a half hour later.  And a half hour after that, the clock chimed only once.  If the clock chimes the number of times to indicate the hour, and then once on the half-hour, what time did the man arrive home?
     Here is a humorous quote from Bob Hope to start our Tuesday:  "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."  On to the professionally selected material...
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Thanks to PW:  A Ticket...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Thanks to LBS:
The story behind the letter below is that there is a nutball in Newport, VT named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.  This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!  Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.  Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull."  We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.  Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."  It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3.  The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.  To the best of
our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.  Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.  Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.  However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.  We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator- Antiquities
Author of The Scribe's Family
Hypatia Press
PO Box 512, Balboa, CA 92661
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ANSWER:  He arrived home at midnight -- he heard the last chime at twelve, one at 12:30, another at 1:00 A.M. and one more at 1:30.
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Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 30, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Mel Blanc, 1908; Benny Goodman, 1909; Clint Walker, 1927; Michael J. Pollard, 1939; Gale Sayers, 1940.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.
On this date in 1911 the first Indy 500 was held.  Ray Harroun took first place with the blistering speed of 75 miles per hour.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Birds are even more warm-blooded than mammals.  A body temperature of 108 degrees is not uncommon... Emperor penguins have square pupils... The city of Los Angeles employs a professional skunk hunter.
TRIVIA:  True or False?  Saudi Arabia imports camels and sand.
     Although a very intelligent man, quotes like the one following kept them guessing:  "When a man has to make a speech, the first thing he has to decide is what to say" (Gerald Ford).  On to the real stuff!
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Thanks to LBS:  HOW TO BE A LIBERAL:
 
You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
You have to believe that the same public school teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
You have to be against capital punishment but pro abortion on demand -- in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but pasty, loony activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
You have to believe conservatives are racists, but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
 
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From a friend:  Quit Or Qualify
I tried to be a Christian and live as I should live;
I tried to be unselfish and give as I should give.
It took both time and sacrifice and yet I thought I'd try,
But found 'twas easier to quit than it was to qualify.
I tried to be an influence and help those lost in sin,
I tried to be respected and decent friends to win.
It wasn't easy to make the change and oft' I longed to cry
Till I decided it was easier to quit than it was to qualify;.
I tried to be a teacher and teach as in a school--
To teach without much study and the pupils try to fool;
But the class began to dwindle and I knew the reason why,
But 'twas easier to quit than it was to qualify.
I tried to visit people and invite them to attend;
I tried to answer questions they asked me now and then.
I found it hard to do this so I didn't really try,
For 'twas easier to quit that it was to qualify.
I long to go to heaven and be with the faithful few,
To enjoy the bliss they'll enjoy and do the things they do.
But now my life is ending and after I have died,
I'm afraid the Lord will say to me, "You quit... unqualified."
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From a friend:
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
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From a friend:  World War III.
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:
Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
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From a friend:  The Appointment
A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his note: "God save the King."
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From a friend:  The Bible Story
A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"
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From a friend:  The Seven Ages of Man
The Seven Ages of Man Are:  spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, & wills.
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From a friend:  Marooned
A guy get's shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks arond a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
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From a friend:
After a lady broke her ankle in a fall in her garage, she had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally she and her husband were cozy sleepers, but the cast posed a problem.
Several sleepless nights later, her husband said in desperation, "Honey, I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I just can't manage the whole cast."
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ANSWER:  True -- the desert sand is not suitable for building so river sand from Scotland is imported.  Camels are getting scarce and must be imported from North Africa.
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Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 31, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Walt Whitman, 1819; Fred Allen, 1894; Norman Vincent Peale, 1898; Clint Eastwood, 1930; Peter Yarrow, 1938; Terry Waite, 1939; Johnny Paycheck, 1941; Sharon Gless, 1943; Joe Namath, 1943; Tom Berenger, 1950; Gregory Harrison, 1950; Brooke Shields, 1965.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1043 Lady Godiva rode naked through the market square in Coventry, England.  She and her husband Leofric founded a monastery in Coventry, and when he demanded heavy taxes from the residents she protested.  He said that the only way he would lower them was if she would ride naked through the market square.  She did.
On this date in 1790 the U.S. copyright law was enacted.
On this date in 1868 he nation's first Memorial Day parade took place in Ironton, Ohio.
On this date in 1884 Dr. John Harvey Kellogg applied for a patent for flaked cereal.
On this date in 1954 President Dwight D. Eisenhower spoke about revolutionaries and rebels at Columbia University's bicentennial.  Among other things, he said:  "Here in America, we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels -- men and women who dared to dissent from accepted doctrine.  As their heirs, we may never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion."
On this date in 1962 Adolf Eichmann was executed by the State of Israel.  He was hunted down as a mass murderer of Jews during the Second World War.  His hanging wrote a new chapter in international law and terrified other fugitive Nazis who were hiding in various places around the world.
On this date in 1965 Jim Clark cracked the 150 mph barrier to win auto racing's Indianapolis 500.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Black sheep have a keener sense of smell than white sheep... The breed of dog with the best eyesight is the greyhound... Bulls don't necessarily attack when they see a red cape -- for, like myself, they are colorblind.
TRIVIA:  Who is the only swimmer to win five individual medals in a single Olympics?
     Here is a quote from birthday-boy Fred Allen:  "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."  On with the real stuff...
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Thanks to D56 for an old favorite:  My Forgetter
 
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke,
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
I don't remember who I sent this to..........
 
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Thanks to AB:  Dear God,
 
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
O. J. Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!!

But please....
DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats:  Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more beverages.
5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats:  Makes You Think
Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.  While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.  After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.  He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....
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ANSWER:  If you guessed Mark Spitz, you're wrong.  Australian schoolgirl Shane Gould won three golds, a silver, and a bronze in the 1972 Olympics in Munich.  For the record, Spitz won seven gold medals in the '72 Games but three of them were in relay events.
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