DailyHumorMayTwelveToTwentyOOne

Good Morning: It's Saturday May 12, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Florence Nightingale, 1820; Yogi Berra, 1925; Burt Bacharach, 1929; Tom Snyder, 1936; George Carlin, 1937; Steve Winwood, 1948; Bruce Boxleitner, 1951; Emilio Estevez, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1896 the New York City Department of Health passed a law prohibiting spitting.
On this date in 1926 Roald Amundsen reached the North Pole in a dirigible.
On this date in 1949 the Soviet land blockade of West Berlin ended.
On this date in 1978 the Commerce Department announced that hurricanes would no longer be named exclusively after women.
On this date in 1980 the first nonstop crossing of North America in a hot air balloon was made.
On this date in 1985 Amy Eilberg became the first female rabbi in the Conservative Jewish movement.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Florence Nightingale kept her pet owl in her pocket at all times... There is a separate silk strand for each kernel on an ear of corn... On a single ear of corn, there is almost always an even number of rows.
TRIVIA: What vegetable do you discard the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside and chuck the inside?
     Yogi Berra is quoted as having said, "You can observe a lot just by watching." Right. On to the real stuff!
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Thanks to LBS: A DONUT
There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending Seminary in Utah. In this seminary classes are held during school hours. Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's Seminary class. Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over. One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?" Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do." Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?" Steve said, "I do about 200 every night." "200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?" Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time." "Do you think you could?" Again asked Brother Christianson. "Well, I can try," said Steve. "Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it." Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday." Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited-it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend. Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?" Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk. Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a donut?" Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?"
Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donut. And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?" Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?" Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them." Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then." Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?" Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!" Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk. Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry. Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?" Jenny said, "No." Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut. By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved. Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; the did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it. Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set. Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want." And Bro. Christianson went on. A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!" Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come." Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him." Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?" "Yes." "Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down. Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room. The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked,"Linda, do you want a doughnut?" Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you." Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?" Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for Linda. Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?" Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Bro. Christianson , can I help him?" Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone, Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor. Brother Christianson turned to the room and said. "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, pleaded to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my spirit." With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten."
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ANSWER: Corn on the cob.
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Good Morning: It's Mother's Day!
BIRTHDAYS: Composer Sir Arthur Sullivan, 1842; Joe Louis, 1914; Beatrice Arthur, 1926; Mary Wells, 1943; Peter Gabriel, 1950; Stevie Wonder, 1951; Dennis Rodman, 1961.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1607 Jamestown, Virginia was founded.
On this date in 1940 Winston Churchill rallied England to battle with the statement: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."
On this date in 1950 the first Diner's Club credit card was issued.
On this date in 1992 the crew of the shuttle ENDEAVOR walked in space to rescue a damaged satellite.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: In 1915 the average annual American family income was $687... Female canaries do not sing... "The Ballad of Davy Crockett" was dashed off when frantic producers discovered their show was going to run a few minutes short. It went on to sell over ten million records.
TRIVIA: In which mid-sixties movie did Stevie Wonder make his film debut?
     Here is a George Carlin quote to start our Mother's day off right: "Have you ever noticed that mice don't have shoulders?" OK, that had nothing to do with Mother's day. On to the stuff that does (at least some of it does...).
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From a friend: Poetry
If I were hanged on the highest hill, I know whose love would follow me still.
Mother of mine. Mother of mine.
If I were drowned in the deepest sea, I know whose tears would come down to me.
Mother of mine, Mother of mine.
If I were damned by body and soul, I know whose prayers would make me whole. Mother of mine, mother of mine
   Rudyard Kipling
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From a friend: What Satan Fears Most

What Satan fears most is a man on his knees;
Not vast marching armies with great weaponry.
He knows he can stand against the power of men;
To engage us in battle is mere sport to him.
But a man on his knees with his head bowed in prayer
Is something quite different, To the prince of the air.
For when he sees us in prayer to our God most high,
He knows we have seen through his devilish lies.
That's why Satan fears most a man on his knees;
And we'll keep him trembling if our prayers never cease.    Author Unknown

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Thanks to LBS: Two Seeds
Two Seeds lay side by side in the fertile Spring soil.
The First Seed said, "I want to grow! I want to send my roots deep into the soil beneath me, and thrust my sprouts through the earth's crust above me . . I want to unfurl my tender buds like banners to announce the arrival of Spring. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and the blessing of the morning dew on my petals!" And so she grew. The Second Seed said, "I am afraid! If I send my roots into the ground below, I don't know what I will encounter in the dark. If I push my way through the hard soil above me I may damage my delicate sprouts . . . what if I let my buds open and a snail tries to eat them? And if I were to open my blossoms, a small child may pull me from the ground. No, it is much better for me to wait until it is safe." And so she waited. A yard Hen, scratching around for food in the early Spring ground, found the waiting seed and promptly ate it. Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Unknown
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From a friend:
When Robert Ingersoll, the notorious skeptic, was in his heyday, two college students went to hear him lecture. As they walked down the street after the lecture, one said to the other, Well, I guess he knocked the props out from under Christianity, didn't the? The other said, "No, I don't think he did.
Ingersoll did not explain my mother's life, and until he can explain my mother's life I will stand by my mother's God." James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited, Tyndale, 1972, p. 381
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Thanks to a friend: Mother Humor
Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women they'd be too thin to have babies?
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.
If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a 12-14.
One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.
Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman.Today they weigh 23% less.
Today women are lovers, mothers, and career women. Who else is able to balance such a load, and do it with a smile?
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the care that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman, with passing years - only grows.
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From a friend: First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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From a friend (no offence is intended, this is merely "humor") -- Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
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From a friend: Things I've Learned From My Children (Honest and No Kidding)

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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ANSWER: "Little" Stevie Wonder was in "Muscle Beach Party" with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. He was such a hit they brought him back for "Bikini Beach".
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Good Morning: It's Monday May 14, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Gabriel Fahrenheit, 1686; Thomas Gainsborough, 1727; George Lucas, 1944; Jose Martinez, 1955; Mike Quick, 1959; Walter Berry, 1964.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1804 the Lewis and Clark expedition began.
On this date in 1853 Gail Borden applied for a U.S. Patent for his process for making condensed milk. His process turned out to be a cash cow as it was eventually marketed by a company -- no coincidence here -- called Borden.
On this date in 1942 the Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAACs) was founded.
On this date in 1973 SKYLAB ONE, America's first manned space station, was launched.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: 100 million Americans drink three cups of coffee daily... Rice is eaten by one half of all the people in the world every day... Over 100 million Americans are on a diet on any given day.
TRIVIA: Can you identify these behind the scenes voices? A. Charlie from "Charlie's Angels"; B. The voice of God in the 1966 film, "The Bible"; C. The narrator of television's "Untouchables".
     Walter Winchell said, "Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid." Uh huh. On to the professionally selected material...
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Thanks to AB: Real Signs
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
8. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
9. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
10. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
11. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
12. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
13. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
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Thanks again to AB: MOTHER'S DICTIONARY
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor once the ability to do it again.
Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins
Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Baby: the youngest child in your family, no matter what the age.
Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own
Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms
Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
Second child syndrome: the fact that the new baby gets less than half of the attention that the first one did
Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
Verbal: able to whine in words
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Oh those little darlings!
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From a friend:
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident & falls into a deep coma. Asleep for six months, she wakes up & sees she's no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: CHILDREN'S THOUGHTS
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Bobby - Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Brandon - Age 15
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Ricky - Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Anthony - Age 10
Home is where the house is. Jenny - Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Susan - Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Chris - Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Jason - Age 13
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Thomas - Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Nancy - Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Jay - Age 15
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ANSWER: A. John Forsythe; B. John Huston, who also directed; C. Walter Winchell.
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Good Morning: It's Tuesday May 15, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: L. Frank Baum, 1856; James Mason, 1909; Eddy Arnold, 1918; photographer Richard Avedon, 1923; Anna Marie Alberghetti, 1936; Trini Lopez, 1937; George Brett, 1953; Joey Browner, 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
Today is Peace Officers' Memorial Day.
On this date in 1918 the first experimental airmail route in the U.S. was started.
On this date in 1924 the U.S. Congress instituted immigration quotas.
On this date in 1930 Ellen Church, the first "air hostess", greeted passengers aboard a United Airlines flight between California and Wyoming.
On this date in 1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The higher a plane flies, the less fuel it uses as the atmosphere is thinner and the vehicle meets less resistance... The singspan of a Boeing 747 is greater than the entire flying distance of the Wright Brothers famous first foray into the wild blue yonder... Just in case you weren't sure, of the Wright brothers, it was Orville who made the first airplane flight, at 10:35 A.M. on December 17, 1903.
TRIVIA: Where did author L. Frank Baum get the name for Oz, his magical land over the rainbow?
     Here is some practical advice good for a Tuesday (or any other) morning: "If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way" (Sam Levenson). On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to a friend: PSALM 23
There once was a Shakespearean actor who was known everywhere for his one-man shows of readings and recitations from the classics. He would always end his performance with a reading of Psalm 23.
Each night, without exception, as the actor began his recitation "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want"... the crowd would listen attentively. And then, at the conclusion of the psalm, they would rise in thunderous applause in appreciation of the actor's incredible ability to bring the verse to life.
But one night, just before the actor was to offer his customary recital of Psalm 23, a young man from the audience spoke up. "Sir, do you mind if tonight I recite Psalm 23"?
The actor was quite taken aback by this unusual request, but he allowed the young man to come forward and stand front and center on the stage to recite the Psalm, knowing that the ability of this unskilled youth would be no match for his own talent.
With a soft voice, the young man began to recite the words of the Psalm. When he was finished, there was no applause. There was no standing ovation as on other nights. All that could be heard was the sound of weeping. The audience had been so moved by the young man's recitation that every eye was full of tears.
Amazed by what he had heard, the actor said to the youth, "I don't understand. I have been performing Psalm 23 for years. I have a lifetime of experience and training-but I have never been able to move an audience as you have tonight. Tell me, what is your secret?"
The young man quietly replied, "Well sir, you know the Psalm. I know the Shepherd." -- Author Unknown
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A variation of an old favorite: Thanks to a friend --
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK:
One:    Don't miss the boat.
Two:    Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four:   Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five:   Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six:    Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine:   When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten:    Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Thanks to AB for a political funny:
Dear Friends and Relatives:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank you, Bill Clinton Monument Committee PS: The committee has raised $1.35 so far!
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Thanks to LBS: Dear Lord,

Every single evening,
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.

God, bless my mom and dad,
And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm,
For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord.'

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them,
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits send.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who've said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

In Jesus name, Amen!!!
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Thanks to AB: IN SIMPLE FAITH
I am not a theologian with a lot of earned degrees,
Yet I’ve kissed the feet of Jesus, for I’ve met Him on my knees.
I can’t argue with the scholars on their different points of view,
But I’ve hovered close to Jesus as each test He’s seen me through.
I don’t know the many meanings of each word in Holy Writ,
But my faith’s securely grounded, and I’m rich because of it.
I can’t stand up in a pulpit and expound the Word with zest,
And yet I long to tell you how the Lord my life has blessed.
I’m just a simple Christian, who has known the Savior’s grace,
And in child-like faith I’ll trust Him till some day I leave this place, And I reach my home in Heaven on that blessed shining shore, Where I’ll be with my Redeemer and I’ll praise Him evermore.
Betty Jo Mings
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ANSWER: Baum got it from a filing cabinet drawer, O-Z.
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Good Morning: It's Wednesday May 16, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Henry Fonda, 1905; author Studs Terkel, 1912; Liberace, 1919; Billy Martin, 1928; gymnast Olga Korbut, 1955; Jack Morris, 1955; Debra Winger, 1955; Janet Jackson, 1966.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1801 William H. Seward was born in Florida, New York.
On this date in 1868 the impeachment of President Andrew Johnson failed.
On this date in 1929 the first Oscars were given out.
On this date in 1975 Junko Tabei became the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: King Camp Gillette created the safety razor with throwaway blades in 1895... The electric razor was invented by Jacob Schick in 1928... The average American spends about 3,500 hours shaving in his/her lifetime.
TRIVIA: Who was Margaret Herrick and what unique place does she hold in the history of the Academy Awards?
     Liberace said, "You know that bank I used to cry all the way to? I bought it." Wouldn't that be nice... On to the professionally selected material (don't try this at home...).
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats and J&W R: Sage sayings
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
Women should not have children after 35 -- Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
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Thanks to LBS: Vet Bill
One day an old lady's dog passed out on her floor. She was used to her dog playing dead, so she thought nothing of it, but three days passed and still the dog didn't move, so she became worried. She took the dog to her local veterinarian.
The vet set the dog on an observation table and began examining the dog. A couple minutes later, the vet left the room. Then he returned with a cage and inside the cage was a cat. He set the cage next to the dog and let the cat out.
The cat walked around the dog three times then went back into his cage.
A few minutes later the vet came to the old lady and said, "I'm sorry, but you're dog is dead. That'll be 250 dollars."
"250 dollars! For what?!" Shouted the old lady.
"Well, 50 dollars for the examination, and 200 dollars for the cat scan."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless. Then his son added,"Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
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Thanks to LBS:   LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
Below are some observations circulating under the title "Things I've Learned From Children" (author unknown). Those of you who are parents will sympathize. Those of you who are not will have something to look forward to!
** If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
** It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
** You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
** When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
** A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
** The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
** When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
** If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
** No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
** Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
** Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
** Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
** Plastic toys do not like ovens.
** The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
** The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
** It will however make cats dizzy.
** Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
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ANSWER: She was a secretary who happened to remark that the new statuette looked like her Uncle Oscar, and the name stuck. Years later she became executive director of the academy.
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Good Morning: It's Thursday May 17, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Physician Edward Jenner, 1749; Maureen O'Sullivan, 1911; Dennis Hopper, 1936; Sugar Ray Leonard, 1956.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1620 the first merry-go-round was introduced at a Turkish fair.
On this date in 1792 the New York Stock Exchange was founded.
On this date in 1845 the rubber band was patented.
On this date in 1875 the first Kentucky Derby was run at Churchill Downs.
On this date in 1954 racial segregation in public schools was declared unconstitutional.
On this date in 1987 the U.S. Navy frigate STARK was struck by missiles from an Iraqi warplane. 37 American sailors were killed. President Saddam Hussein issued an official apology. Both nations called the attack a mistake. 3 years later the U.S. and Iraq were at war.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Cold-blooded animals do not dream... Cows eat seven times more than sheep... Reindeer are superb swimmers.
TRIVIA: What was the distinction of the 1969 bestseller "Naked Came the Stranger"?
     Groucho Marx is a pretty good person to look to for a humorous quote to get us started, so let's: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Uh-hum. On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: ADVANTAGE MEN
IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
*Your last name stays put.
*The garage is all yours.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*Chocolate is just another snack.
*You can be president.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
*You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
*Same work...more pay.
*Wrinkles add character.
*Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
*One mood, ALL the time.
*Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*You know stuff about tanks.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*You can leave the motel bed unmade.
*You can kill your own food.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
*If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*Three pairs of shoes are more then enough.
*You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
*You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
*You don't mooch off other's desserts.
*You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
*You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*You don't have to shave below your neck.
*Your belly usually hides your big hips.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
*You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
*You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
*Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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Thanks to LBS and JLLH: Fish and Chips Story
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and request shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be... "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
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Thanks to JLLH and LBS: Heaven and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.
Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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ANSWER: The book, which sold almost 100,000 hardcover and 2,000,000 paperback, was a gag. A group of 25 writers of "Newsday" slapped it together over one weekend, each working on a separate chapter. The book was credited to Penelope Ashe, supposedly a Long Island housewife.
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Good Morning: It's Friday May 18, 2001!
TODAY IS "Visit Your Relatives Day" as well as "International Museum Day". So why not take your relatives to the museum???
BIRTHDAYS: Ezio Pinza, 1892; Frank Capra, 1897; Meredith Wilson, 1902; Perry Como, 1912; Margot Fonteyn, 1919; Pernell Roberts, 1928; Reggie Jackson, 1946.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1804 Napoleon became Emperor of France.
On this date in 1910 Halley's comet was seen from the earth.
On this date in 1917 the Selective Service, better known to those eligible for the military as the "draft board", was created.
On this date in 1933 the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) was authorized.
On this date in 1980 Mount St. Helens erupted.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: In 1993 Ireland's Eamon Coghlan ran the mile in 3 minutes 58.15 seconds, becoming the first man over 40 to run a mile in less than four minutes... Half of all females and 30% of boys ages 6 to 12 cannot run a mile in less than 10 minutes... A jogger's heel strikes the ground 1,500 times a mile.
TRIVIA: Who is the only player in major league baseball history to legally run the bases backwards after hitting a home run?
     An anonymous wise person said, "The thing that counts most in the pursuit of happiness is the selection of a good companion." On to the real material!
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Thanks to LBS:
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying cop told you I was speeding, too...
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Thanks to a friend:
The cannibals had captured a Catholic missionary and were preparing a gala celebrating of their victory. The missionary was to be cooked for the evening repast.
Later that evening, the cannibal king decided he needed to check on the cook's progress. He wandered into the kitchen where he saw the missionary in a large iron kettle filled with water and sliced and diced vegetables.
"What are you doing?", the cannibal king cried to the cook.
The cook replied, "I'm boiling the missionary for supper tonight!"
"Boiling the missionary", the king cried. "BOILING THE MISSIONARY!!!!! HEAVENS TO BETSY, CAN'T YOU SEE THE MAN'S A FRIAR!!!"
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Thanks to PW: YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and yer afraid to ever go on a camping trip.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
You refer to two or more people as "you guys."
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.
None of your fur coats are made with real fur.
You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for ...(something)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah."
You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
You don't "reckon." You're not "fixin" to do anything.
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Thanks to A.H. -- THE LIVING BIBLE
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. " Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read. I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way...... His love is always with you, His promises are true, And when we give Him all our cares, You know He will see us through.
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ANSWER: Jimmy Piersall -- While playing for the 1963 New York Mets, he did it to celebrate his 100th career homer. The next day the big league rulebook was changed to make this illegal.
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Good Morning: It's Saturday May 19, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Malcolm X, 1925; David Hartman, 1937; astronaut Francis Scobee, 1939; Nora Ephron, 1941; Grace Jones, 1952; Rick Cerone, 1954; Bill Laimbeer, Jr., 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1536 Anne Boleyn was beheaded.
On this date in 1602 Martha's Vineyard was first sighted by Captain Bartholomew Gosnold.
On this date in 1832 the first Democrat National Convention was held.
On this date in 1846 the first steamship arrived in Hawaii.
On this date in 1848 the first department store opened by Frank Woolworth.
On this date in 1884 the Ringling Brothers Circus first performed.
On this date in 1889 Postcards were first authorized by the U.S. Post Office.
On this date in 1900 the Simplon Tunnel opened as the world's longest railroad tunnel.
On this date in 1911 the long arm of the law first used fingerprints to get a conviction.
On this date in 1914 the Grayhound Bus Company was founded.
On this date in 1916 Britain first applied "summer time" (Daylight Savings Time).
On this date in 1921 Immigration quotas were established.
On this date in 1935 T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) died in England from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.
On this date in 1992 Vice President Dan Quayle pronounced a "poverty of values" in America's inner cities. He, in the same speech, denounced TV's Murphy Brown for the decision to have a child fathered out of wedlock. We preachers have been denouncing (with Bible authority, no less) such decisions for a couple thousand years now, and the same people who disapproved of his speech don't much care for ours' either.
On this date in 1994 the FDA approved of the first genetically-engineered tomato.
On this date in 1995 NASA's administrator unveiled plans to slash thousands of aerospace jobs and to overhaul the entire agency.
On this date in 1996 a large asteriod approached within 281,000 miles of the earth -- it missed us, though.
On this date in 2161 8 out of 9 planets in the solar system are supposed to align on the same side of the sun; this is a pattern known as syzygy.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Just like fingerprints, no two lip prints are alike... In the United States a car is stolen every thirty seconds... The busiest phone number in New York City is 911 with about 18,000 calls pouring in per day at a rate of 800 an hour.
TRIVIA: Are there more than a million millionaires in the United States?
     I can identify with the following Jackie Mason quote, how about you? "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life -- unless I buy something." On to the real stuff!
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Thanks to a friend: A child's prayer
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. I liked it....

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
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Thanks to AB for this good one: Kids
PICTURE DAY The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from the drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
THREE LITTLE PIGS My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class was the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
FAMILY INQUISITION One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? "Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
LOOK AT THE LABEL A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, "he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
CIRCULATORY FACTS A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
NEW BABY For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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ANSWER: Yes -- indeed -- there are approximately 2,500,000. That is approximately one out of every hundred people. If there are any receiving this note, remember what Abraham gave Melchizedek when he met him on the road...???
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Good Morning: It's Sunday May 20, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Dolly Madison, 1768; philosopher John Stuart Mill, 1806; James Stewart, 1908; Goerge Gobel, 1920; Peggy Lee, 1920; Joe Cocker, 1944; Cher, 1946.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1775 Mecklenburg County, North Carolina, declared its independence from British rule (it is known as Mecklenburg Independence Day).
On this date in 1830 the first railroad timetable was published in a Baltimore, Maryland newspaper. The arrival and departure times of the nation's first railroad train -- the Baltimore and Ohio -- were of critical importance to passengers and cargo shippers wishing to take advantage of this new, luxurious means of rapid locomotion.
On this date in 1927 "Lucky Lindy", Charles Augustus Lindbergh, began his successful solo flight across the Atlantic.
On this date in 1932 Amelia Earhart completed her transatlantic solo flight.
On this date in 1941 the first airborne invasion took place when Nazi Germany captured the island of Crete.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A rat can go longer without water than a camel... Rats can't vomit... Quick -- which travels farther on a bike, the front wheel or back wheel? It's the front wheel, which moves back and forth as the bike is steered while the back wheel travels in a straight path.
TRIVIA: True or False? The camel drinks up to thirty gallons of water at a time, which it then stores in its hump.
     Here is a George Gobel quote that really makes one think... "If it wasn't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." Yeah, right. On to the real material!
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From a friend: Sunday Morning With The Seven Dwarfs
Sleepy: "Oh I'm so tired! That party last night lasted too long. I didn't get much rest. What if I nod off in Bible class? I think I'll stay home."
Dopey: "I don't know whether I'll go or not. I want to go, but I just don't know."
Sneezy: "I don't feel too good, and besides, I may give my hay fever to someone; worse still, I may catch something from someone. I'll stay in today."
Bashful: "I might not know everything in class. I hate meeting so many new people. It's just too much to expect of anyone."
Grumpy: "I don't like the teacher, and besides we're studying a boring subject, and some of these people in class well..."
Doc: "What a gorgeous day! It's a shame to waste such a beautiful day for golf. I can miss just this one Sunday, right?"
Happy: "Smile, brethren, and be happy and thankful for the oportunity to go to Bible study to learn more about God and His will for us. Smile and make someone else happier as you go to Bible study with a smile on your face."
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Thanks to AB: Think about this????
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. Face it, He's crazy about you.
Remember: God answers Knee-Mail.
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Thanks to DS: Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
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From a friend: ABC's OF A FRUITFUL LIFE

A lways put God first in your life.
B e a true friend and you will have many friends.
C ount and thank God for your many blessings daily.
D iscipline yourself. Decide to make your life count.
E dify and encourage others consistently.
F ollow great leaders and then become one.
G ive liberally and joyfully of your time, talents and      means.
H ave an attitude of gratitude.
I nvert any negatives thrown your way. Turn them into      positives.
J ourney through life one step and one day at a time.
K eep written goals set ahead. Make specific plans to      accomplish them.
L ove and forgive everybody.
M aximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
N ever, never, never give up!
O pen the door wide when opportunity knocks.
P ractice patience. Promote peace.
Q uit bad habits by replacing them with good habits.
R ead God's Word and other profitable material every      chance you get.
S hare the Gospel whenever and wherever possible.
T ake time to appreciate everything and everyone God      has given to you.
U se your God given common sense.
V isualize your dreams and stretch to reach for them
W atch, listen and pray without ceasing.
X amine your motives on a regular basis.
Y ield to the Word in all things.
Z oom in on God's real purpose for your life.

-- Author Unknown
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Thanks to My Sister!
Three students, a student from Arkansas, a student from
Alabama, and a student from Tennessee, are walking together one day. (Right here you should know that something is wrong)..
* No Arkansas or Bama fan would even consider being with a fan from knoxiousville. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total, says the genie.
* The Bama student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want to build a wall around Alabama so that no one can come in and disrupt our fertile ground." With the blink of the genie's eye, "POOF", and the alabama's fertile grounds were sealed off from the rest of the world.
* The UT student was amazed. So he said,"I want a wall built around the University of Tennessee, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school. And none of our Athletic Dept. can leave, we will forever have a great team. Again, with the blink of the genie's eye, "POOF", there was a huge wall around the University of Tennessee.
* The Arkansas student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about these walls." The genie explains, "Well they are about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and can completely surround the areas that they requested. No one can get in or out."
* The Arkansas student says, "Fill'em with water."
* GO HOGS GO!!!
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ANSWER: True and False -- It CAN drink up to thirty gallons of water, but it isn't stored in the hump. Rather, it remains in pockets which line its stomach.
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