Good Morning: It's Tuesday
March 27, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: It's Gloria Swanson, 1899; Sarah Vaughan,
1924; David Janssen, 1930; Cale Yarborough, 1940; Michael York, 1942; Randall
Cunningham, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1512 Spanish explored Jaun Ponce de Leon
first sighted Florida.
On this date in 1703 Czar Peter the Great founded the
city of St. Petersburg.
On this date in 1794 President George Washington signed
an act to build a U.S. Navy.
On this date in 1884 the first long-distance telephone
call was made between Boston and New York.
On this date in 1899 Guglielmo Marconi sent the first
radio signals across the English Channel.
On this date in 1914 the first successful blood transfusion
on record took place in Burssels, Belgium.
On this date in 1917 the U.S. wrested the Stanley Cup
from the Canadians for the first time ever as the Seattle Metropolitans
defeated the Montreal Canadians (NHL, you know).
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The average person spends five
years of their precious time on Earth waiting in lines... There are more
telephones than people in Washington, D.C.... In his lifetime, the average
person will drink 23 glasses of champagne.
TRIVIA: What do approximately one million people
drink as their beverage of choice at breakfast each day?
A happy Tuesday to each of you,
may it be filled with peace and calm and the blessings of God in every
good thing to which you put your hand. On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to AB: NOTE: We saw this last year,
but it is good and worthy to be considered again...TS
Child's Bill Of Rights
My son came home from school one day,
with a silly grin on his face,
He thought he was smarter than me, his Mom,
and could put me in my place.
HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright,
It's about the laws of the land today,
its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
IT SAID:
I don't have to clean my room,
I don't have to cut my hair.
Nobody can tell me what to eat,
My freedom of speech is guaranteed.
Its my choice of what I read, or watch on TV.
I have freedom of religion,
and regardless of what you say,
I don't have to ask your God for help ---
I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear an earring in my ear,
And, if I want, can pierce my nose.
It's my choice if I so desire,
to tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes.
AND if you try to spank me,
I will charge you with the crime,
and I can back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
HE SAID:
Don't ever touch me,
this body is only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses and stuff,
that's just another form of child abuse.
HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't fill my head with morals,
like your mama did to you,
That's what's called mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
you can't do a thing to me,
I can call Children's Services,
better known as C. S. D.
MY TURN!!!!
My very first impression was,
to toss this boy out the door,
But here was a chance to teach him a lesson,
for once and ever more.
I took my time and mulled it over,
I couldn't let this go.
This kid of mine didn't realize,
that he was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO.............
The next day we went shopping,
and in spite of every plea,
I didn't buy him 501s
or shirts designed by Nike.
I had called and talked to C. S. D.,
they said they didn't care,
if I bought him K-Mart shoes,
or a pair of Nike Airs.
AND THEN:
I canceled his appointment
to test his driving skills,
I'd probably be dead by now,
if only looks could kill!
I SAID:
There's no time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch,
I think you should follow C. S. D.'s advice,
And make yourself a sack lunch.
So, what if you are too hungry,
to wait 'til dinner time?
Well, we're having liver and onions,
Cause it's a favorite dish of mine.
He ASKED:
Can we stop to get a movie,
so I can watch it on the VCR?
Absolutely not! I sold the TV in your room
and bought new tires for my car.
I also rented out your room,
you really don't need a bed.
C.S.D. says all that's required of me
is to put a roof over your head.
I only have to buy your clothes,
and the food that you must eat,
The money you used to get for an allowance,
will buy me something neat.
No more eating after we shop,
no more joking along the way,
I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS,
that goes into effect today!
What's the matter, are you crying?
Are you down on your knees?
Why are you asking God for help?.........
WHY NOT CALL THE C.S.D.?
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Thanks to LBS: Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace
is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips
and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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Thanks to JLLH: Improve Your Vocabulary
The Washington Post recently published a contest for
readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various
words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
Carcinoma (n.) a valley in California, notable for its
heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.
Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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Thanks to LBS for these:
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five
workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut
his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.
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ANSWER: Did you think coffee? Perhaps orange
juice? No -- the answer is Coke. The Coke company estimates
that about $237 million of the Real Thing is guzzled at breakfast every
year. The frightening thought is that someone actually pours it over
his Sugar Frosted Flakes.
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