HAVING ANOTHER BAD DAY?
Just remember, it could be worse.....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After 2 weeks of nagging, he attacked her with a shovel and left her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
And finally.......
4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
Today's not so bad, is it.????????
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Thanks to GB for this one:
I was talking to my Dad about current events the other night. I asked him what he thought about the shootings in schools, our immoral President Clinton, etc. He replied: ..."Gee, let me think a minute...I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. Man had not invented pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners or walked on the moon. Your Mom and I got married first - then lived together. Families consisted of a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me 'sir' and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'sir.' Closets were for clothes not for 'coming out of.'
Sunday's were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting our neighbors. That was before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy. The Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense governed our lives. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in the U.S. was a bigger privilege. "We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breezes blew. And time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not condominiums. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the 'big bands', Jack Benny and the President's speeches on the radio. I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza's, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 and 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, ride on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to 'splurge,' you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one. Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. Grass was mowed, coke was a cold drink, pot was something your mother cooked in, and rock music was your grandmother’s lullaby. Aids were helpers in the Principal's office, a chip was a piece of wood, not computer language, while hardware was found in a hardware store and software wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people today call us old and confused, and there is such a generation gap. ...and I'm only 59!?!.... did you dig that, Son?"
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Thanks to JLLH: LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man.
He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him,
"Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar
because I am a Father."
Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I
have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you
wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the
father of many."
Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father
of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But,
he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, " I am the Father
of hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to
leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you
should wear your pants backwards."
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ANSWER: Harry Houdini died on October 31, 1926.
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