BIRTHDAYS: Margaret Frisky (children's author), 1901; Glenn Miller, 1904; Dianah Shore, 1917; Harry Caray, 1919; Richard Wilbur (American poet), 1921; astronaut Deke Slayton, 1924; Harry Belafonte, 1927; Sonny James, 1929; Robert Conrad, 1935; Dirk Benedict, 1944; Alan Thicke, 1947; Catherine Bach, 1954; Ron Howard, 1954.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1692 the infamous Salem Witch Trials began.
On this date in 1781 the Continental Congress adopted the Articles of Confederation.
On this date in 1790 the first U.S. Census was authorized.
On this date in 1803 Ohio became the 17th state.
On this date in 1867 Nebraska became the 37th state.
On this date in 1872 Yellowstone became our first national park.
On this date in 1872 the first woman detective, Isabella Goodwin, was appointed in New York City.
On this date in 1912 Captain Albert Berry made the first parachute jump from an airplane.
On this date in 1961 John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps.
On this date in 1966 the Soviet spacecraft VENERA 3 crashed on Venus, thus becoming the first man-made object to reach another planet.
On this date in 1968 seat belts became mandatory in all cars in the United States.
On this date in 1979 the U.S. spacecraft VOYAGER 1 began relaying information as it approached Jupiter.
Today is National Pig Day... It is also Peanut Butter Lover's Day -- take your pick.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore, died December 28, 1999... The highest point in Alabama is Cheaha Mountain in Cleburne County with an elevation of 2,405 feet... The lowest point in Alabama is the Gulf of Mexico and it is -- you guessed it -- sea level.
TRIVIA: In terms of square miles, which is the largest of the United States?
"Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God" (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.)
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM: Courtroom Conversations Part 2
Lawyer:
"So you were gone until you returned?"
Lawyer:
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"
Lawyer:
"The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer:
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
Lawyer:
"How long have you been a French Canadian?"
Witness:
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer:
"Was this a male or a female?"
Lawyer:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness:
"I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer:
"And you took your new wife?"
Lawyer:
"I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness:
"That's me."
Lawyer:
"Were you present when that picture was taken?"
Lawyer:
"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Lawyer:
"Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness:
"I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer:
"Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness:
"Yes."
Lawyer:
"What were you doing at that time?"
Lawyer:
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness:
"Four times."
Lawyer:
"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Lawyer:
"She had three children, right?"
Witness:
"Yes."
Lawyer:
"How many were boys?"
Witness:
"None."
Lawyer:
"Were there girls?"
Lawyer:
"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?"
Lawyer:
"You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness:
"Yes."
Lawyer:
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Lawyer:
"Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness:
"Not yet."
Lawyer:
(realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor,
I'd like to strike the next question."
Lawyer:
"Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness:
"It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer:
"And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
Lawyer:
"What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness:
"Borofkin."
Lawyer:
"What's his first name?"
Witness:
"I can't remember."
Lawyer:
"He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?"
Witness:
"No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law)
"Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: (NOTE: Now, if you happen to be in upper management -- or work in any way for the government -- think these through carefully...)
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
Modern
organizations often employ a whole range of far more advanced strategies,
such as
*
Buying a stronger whip.
*
Changing riders.
*
Threatening the horse with termination.
*
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
*
Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
*
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
*
Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired".
*
Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
*
Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
*
Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
*
Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead
horse's performance.
*
Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,
carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
*
Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
*
Promoting the dead horse to a management position.
*******************************************************
Thanks to BC:
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and concientious stupidity.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
*******************************************************
Thanks to my sister --
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Did you answer "Texas"? Sorry -- whereas Texas is very large, Alaska, with 615,230 sq. miles is the largest.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Saturday March 2, 2002!
ENON BIRTHDAY: Paula Suggs!
BIRTHDAYS: Sam Houston (American soldier and politician who served as the first president of the Republic of Texas), 1793; Theodor Suess Geisel (better known as Dr. Seuss), 1904; Desi Arnaz, 1917; Mikhail Gorbachev, 1931; Tom Wolfe, 1931; Leo Dillon (children's book illustrator), 1933; John Irving, 1942; Eddie Money, 1949; Laraine Neumann, 1952; Jon Bon Jovi, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1776 the U.S. Navy and Marines fought their first battle of the Revolutionary War.
On this date in 1836 Texas declared its independence from Mexico.
On this date in 1877 the Hayes-Tilden election was decided by a special Congressional commission -- Rutherford B. Hayes was elected President of the United States.
On this date in 1889 Congress established The National Zoological Park in Washington, D.C.
On this date in 1899 Mount Ranier National Park in Washington State was established.
On this date in 1904 Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) was born. Kids at schools around the nation are celebrating it by having his books read to them.
On this date in 1973 the Vietnam peace treaty was signed in Paris.
On this date in 1917 Puerto Ricans became U.S. Citizens.
On this date in 1933 the Movie KING KONG opened in New York.
On this date in 1962 Wilt Chamberlain is said to have scored 100 points in a game. Interestingly enough, there is some dispute about the truthfulness of this claim. It seems that there were insufficient records kept and no one can find the specific sheets of the game -- or for that matter, any film etc. of it.
On this date in 1973 80 countries agreed to outlaw trade in 375 endangered wildlife species.
On this date in 1988 the Environmental and Natural History Committee of the Minnesota State Senate approved a bill to make the giant beaver Minnesota's official fossil.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A little change for this section today -- Sam Houston was President of the Republic of Texas. He had tried 3 times to get Texas accepted as a State and was on the point of giving up when Andrew Jackson, then near death and many years out of office, urged him to try once more. He tried and his proposal was rejected. His term of office expired, his replacement (a mere puppet of himself) decided to turn to Great Britain for help in forming a nation that would eventually run along the Pacific Coast. Jackson urged him to support annexation once again-- as it wouldn't do to have such a Power as England with a foothold on our border, a border that would run from Mexico to Canada -- and he finally did -- this time successfully. The connection between these two great Americans had gone all the way back to Houston's days of service under General Jackson in the army. When Houston learned of the impending death of Jackson, he immediately set out from Texas to the Hermitage with his young son. He said that he wanted Old Hickory to "bless" his young son. When they arrived at the Hermitage, they were a few hours too late. Jackson was in his coffin. The great Houston said to his son, "My son, try to remember that you have looked on the face of Andrew Jackson."
TRIVIA: Today, the National Zoo has over 2,900 animals in its collection. Do you know how many it had in its first collection?
"Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending" (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1807 - 1882).
*******************************************************
From the Archives -- Thanks to AK for this one:
Heart Surgery
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there."
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next."
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."
"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."
The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
- Author Unknown
*******************************************************
3 Short Ones from GCFL:
George
Carlin speaks of the time he was in Hawaii: "I met Don Ho and his wife
Heidi. Plus his three brothers, Gung, Land and Hy.
-=+=-
Two
trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they
left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated
Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
amazed, astounded, and unsettled.
-=+=-
I
called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said,
"Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
*******************************************************
From "A-grin-a-day" -- Surprise Picnic Basket
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon
the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of
his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his
lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She
replied, "No, no, puppies....."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: The National Zoo had fewer than 200 animals in its first collection.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday March 3, 2002!
It is NATIONAL ANTHEM DAY, honoring "The Star-Spangled Banner".
BIRTHDAYS: Alexander Graham Bell, 1847; Ring Lardner, 1885; Jean Harlow, 1911; Julius Boros, 1920; Princess Radziwill, 1933; Patricia Maclachlan (children's author), 1938; Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1962; Herschel Walker, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1634 the first tavern in Boston opened its doors and its taps.
On this date in 1791 the District of Columbia was organized.
On this date in 1837 congress increased the membership of the U.S. Supreme Court from seven to nine justices.
On this date in 1842 Massachusetts prohibited kids under 12 from working more than 10 hours a day.
On this date in 1845 Florida became the 27th state.
On this date in 1849 the U.S. Congress established the Home Department, which is now known as the Department of the Interior.
On this date in 1855 the U.S. War Department appropriated $30,000 to buy and transport camels.
On this date in 1861 Czar Alexander II abolished serfdom in Russia. He decreed that no individual could force another to work in exchange for life and little else. The feudal system that had long been synonymous with peasant life was finally dissolved. No longer enslaved by landowners and nobles, an individual was free to work whenever and for whomever he chose; and had the right to be paid for the labor.
On this date in 1879 Belva Lockwood became the first woman to argue a case before the U.S. Supreme Court.
On this date in 1931 the "Star-Spangled Banner", originally called "The Defense of Fort McHenry", by Francis Scott Key was officially proclaimed the national anthem of the United States. President Herbert Hoover signed the bill.
On this date in 1969 APOLLO 9 was launched to test the lunar landing module.
On this date in 1988 a pair of California condors at the San Diego Wild Animal Park produced the first fertile condor egg ever conceived in captivity.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Alexander Graham Bell refused to keep a phone in his study because the ringing distracted him... Don Ameche was so renowned for his portrayal of Alexander Graham Bell that "ameche" became a slang for the telephone... Giraffes make it necessary for the telephone poles in Kenya and Uganda to be much higher than those to which we are accustomed.
TRIVIA: Do you remember the name of the first California condor conceived and hatched in captivity?
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity" (Gilda Radner).
*******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: A Blonde Finally Wins
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend.The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it a) Robin, b) Sparrow, c) Cuckoo, d) Thrush."
Pam: " I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello..."
Regis:
"Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
I
have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million
dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it a) Robin, b) Sparrow, c) Cuckoo, d) Thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with c) Cuckoo".
Regis:"Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said c) Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"Pam, it was easy. Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
*******************************************************
An Old Favorite: Final Exam Plan.......
Rather than study for their upcoming exam, the two college seniors decided to party instead. When they went in for their exam the following day, they told their professor that their car had broken down the previous night due to a flat tire, and they required more time to study. The professor said he would allow them one more day to study. That evening they both crammed all night, until they felt they knew just about everything. When they arrived at school the next morning, they were told to go to separate rooms to take their exam. Not understanding why, they shrugged and went to the rooms assigned to them, each in different areas of the school. As each sat down, they read the first question, 'For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom'. They answered the question with ease and felt the exam was going to be a piece of cake. They then proceeded to the second question, 'For 95 points,........... which tire?'
*******************************************************
Thanks to CJ: Moral Story
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises. . . etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief andanguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly…
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Scientists named the first California condor conceived and hatched in captivity Molloko -- an Indian word for condor).
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday March 4, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: Prince Henry, 1394; Antonio Vivaldi, 1678; Casimir Pulaski, 1748; Knute Rockne, 1888; Meindert Dejong (children's author), 1906; John Garfield, 1913; Paula Prentiss, 1939; Catherine O'Hara, 1954; Kevin Maurice Johnson, 1966; Chastity Bono, 1969.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1493 Christopher Columbus landed at Lisbon, thus completing his first voyage to the New World.
On this date in 1681 England's King Charles II granted William Penn a charter for what is now Pennsylvania.
On this date in 1789 the first U.S. Congress convened in New York City.
On this date in 1791 Vermont became the 14th state.
On this date in 1793 George Washington was inaugurated for a second term.
On this date in 1789 the U.S. Constitution went into effect.
On this date in 1801 Thomas Jefferson became the first president to be sworn in at the nation's capital.
On this date in 1809 George Clinton became the first vice president to serve under two presidents.
On this date in 1861 Abraham Lincoln stood where Thomas Jefferson had stood 60 years earlier and said: "This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revoltuionary right to dismember or overthrow it."
On this date in 1928 the first transcontinental foot race began in Los Angeles.
On this date in 1930 Emma Fahning became the first woman on record to bowl a perfect 300.
On this date in 1933 President Franklin Roosevelt launched the New Deal recovery program.
On this date in 1933 FDR stood before the nation and proclaimed: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" and called for "action, and action now."
On this date in 1936 the Hindenburg took its first flight.
On this date in 1952 Ronald Reagan married Nancy Davis.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept in the yard and not in the house... Washington, D.C. has the highest ratio of lawyers per resident: 1 for every 19 people... It's against the law for a woman to dress as Santa in Minnesota.
TRIVIA: Where are hailstones described weighing over one hundred pounds each?
"Civilization is simply an organization that man has developed in order that he may live in peace with his neighbors" (Louis L'Amour, LAST OF THE BREED).
*******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to LBS for these: Did you know...
The first couple to be shown on TV in bed was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%, The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs -Alexander theGreat; Hearts - Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The
term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun
ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."
Hershey's
Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's
kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
(Ewwwww!) The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosy" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosy"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Windows
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment. The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB: I Took Him Back To Wal-Mart
My
husband and I fought constantly,
Why
I married him, I'll never know.
For
all those miserable years I said,
My
hubby's got to go!
Tried
poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting
his pork chops with lime.
Wiring
his chair, igniting his hair,
Even
though arson's a crime.
But
I failed at each plot
'til
I suddenly thought
Of
a way that would set me free!
I
got rid of him for good and, know what?
They
couldn't do a thing to me!
I
took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll
take anything back you know!
They
said they couldn't recall selling him,
But
they must have if I said so.
They
just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll
come back now, 'ya hear?"
They
were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll
take back his mother next year!
They'll
take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though
it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And
know what else? This time of year
You
don't even need a receipt!
I
LOVE WAL-MART!
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Revelation 16:21 -- "And there fell upon men a great hail out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent..." A talent weighed between 108 and 130 pounds.
*******************************************************
Gradowiths
Homepage