It's my mom's birthday!!!

Today is Johnny Appleseed Day.  On this date in 1847 John Chapman, famed as a planter of trees and an early environmentalist, went to the Big Apple in the Sky...

BIRTHDAYS:  Dorothy Gish, 1898; Lawrence Welk, 1903; Harold Wilson, 1916; Ralph Abernathy, 1926; Rupert (Fox) Murdoch, 1931; Sam Donaldson, 1934; Dock Phillip Ellis, 1945; Bobby McFerrin, 1950.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1302, according to Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet were married.

On this date in 1779 the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers was first established.

On this date in 1888 the "Blizzard of '88" struck the northeast and became the greatest storm of the century.

On this date in 1941 the Lend-Lease Law was signed by FDR.  It authorized the shipping of war supplies to England and other nations fighting Nazi Germany during the Second World War without physically involving the US.

On this date in 1942 General Doublas MacArthur left the Philippines, vowing:  "I shall return."

On this date in 1953 an American B-47 accidentally dropped a nuclear bomb on South Carolina. It failed to go off due to 6 safety catches.

On this date in 1986 men marked the passing of One Million days since the traditional founding of Rome (April 21, 753 BC).

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  "Calcutta" was Lawrence Welk's only number one hit record, topping the charts in 1961... "The Lawrence Welk Show" was originally called "The Dodge Dancing Party"... The total footage of film shot for "Gone With the Wind" was 449,512 feet or about 85 miles.

TRIVIA:  Who were Job's "three friends", and which one spoke first to him?

     How about a truly profound (???) William Safire quote to get our Lord's Day off and running -- "Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?  I don't know and I don't care."

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Thanks to JLLH for this one:  Clever Woman

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.

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Thanks to LBS for this one:  Police Humor:  Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement ~

1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash suppressors don't really.

9. If you have `cleared´ all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapon. (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News´.

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksman, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

19. On any call, there will always be more `bad guys´ than there are good guys, and the farther away your back up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

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Thanks to LBS:  BUSH LIMERICK

There is this guy named Bush,
Whose name gives a financial rush.
He's brought out his axes
To chop down our taxes;
Let's all call congress and give them a push.

By L.B. Strawn
March 6, 2001

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From a friend:  Airborne Homework

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

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From a friend:  Things I Learned at School
 
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
I will not trade pants with others.
I will not sell school property.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.
Beans are neither fruit, nor musical.
I will not send lard through the mail.
I will not hang doughnuts or spoons on my person.
I do not have the power of attorney over first graders.
Nerve Gas is not a toy.
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface.
No one wants to hear my armpits.
The Boys room is not a water park.
I will stop talking about the foot tall tuba player.
It is disrespectful to belch the National Anthem.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not barf unless I am sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
I will not prescribe medication.
A burp is not an answer.
I will not eat things for money.
Goldfish don't bounce.
No one is interested in my underpants.
Shoelaces are not for tying up janitors.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
The cafeteria deep-fryer is not a toy.
I will finish what I sta...
 
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ANSWER:  Job's three friends were:  Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite (Job 2:11).  Eliphaz the Temanite spoke first (Job 4:1).

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