When in sorrow...................   call John 14
When men fail you................   call Psalm 27
When you have sinned.............  call Psalm 51
When you worry...................   call Matthew 6:19-34
When you are in danger...........  call Psalm 91
When God seems far away..........  call Psalm 139
When your faith needs stirring...  call Hebrews 11
When you are lonely and fearful..  call Psalm 3
When you grow bitter and critical................  call I Corinthians 13
When you feel down and out.......  call Romans 8:31
When you want peace and rest.....  call Matthew 11:25-30
When the world seems bigger than God........ call Psalm 90
When you want Christian assurance.............. call Romans 8:1-30
When you leave home for labor or travel...... call Psalm 121
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish... call Psalm 67
When you want courage for a task................ call Joshua 1
When you think of investments and returns.. call Mark 10
If you are depressed.............   call Psalm 27
If your pocketbook is empty......  call Psalm 37
If you are losing confidence in people.......... call I Corinthians 13
If people seem unkind............   call John 15
If discouraged about your work...  call Psalm 126
If self pride/greatness takes hold.................  call Psalm 19
If you want to be fruitful.......   call John 15
For understanding of Christianity.................. call II Cor. 5:15-19
For a great invention/opportunity.................. call Isaiah 55
For how to get along with fellow men....... ... call Romans 12
For Paul's secret to happiness...  call Col. 3:12-17
ALTERNATE NUMBERS:
For dealing with fear............   call Psalm 3:47
For security.....................   call Psalm 121:3
For assurance....................   call Mark 8:35
For reassurance..................   call Psalm 145:18
PLEASE NOTE:
Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day!
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Thanks to GB:   Ax 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church  service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables,  she yelled, "Stop! Acts; 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, for the remission of sins).  The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "SCRIPTURE?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38's!"
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ANSWER:  D - When eye muscles relax and the eyes roll back above their usual position, such as when they are asleet, that tendency is known as Bell's Phenomenon.
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Good Morning:  It's Friday June 22, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1907; Joseph Papp, 1921; Bill Blass, 1922; Kris Kristofferson, 1936; Ed Bradley, 1941; Meryl Streep, 1949; Lindsay Wagner, 1949; Freddie Prinze, 1954; Clyde Drexler, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1611 Henry Hudson, his son, and 6 other crew members were set adrift by mutineers in what is now called Hudson's Bay.  The explorer had been commissioned by the Russian Muscovy Company and the Dutch East India Company to find the fabled Northwest Passage to Asia.  He had discovered the island of Manhattan and the Hudson River.  But drifting aimlessly during a long, harsh winter on this huge inland sea -- which eventually bore his name -- tempers flared among the crew of his ship, DISCOVERY.  A mutiny resulted.  Hudson and his crew were never found.  The mutineers sailed back to England, but the ringleaders did not return.  They were killed in a battle with Inuit tribesmen.
On this date in 1938 Joe Louis got his revenge on Max Schmeling, the only boxer who had ever beaten him.  It took exactly 124 seconds for Louis to drop Schmeling.
On this date in 1964 3 civil rights workers were killed in Mississippi.  Their bodies were found 2 weeks later.
On this date in 1970 the voting age was lowered to 18 by law.
On this date in 1985 President Ronald Reagan honored the remains of 4 Marines killed in an attack on a San Salvador cafe.  At the ceremony, the president solemnly vowed that the slayers of these brave men would "not evade justice on earth any more than they can escape the judgment of God."
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Goldie was Smokey Bear's mate.  She bore him Smoke Bear II... The only dog that sweats is the Mexican hairless... The early bird may catch the worm but the poorwill catches a snooze -- it is the only bird that hibernates.
TRIVIA:  Scare an elephant and... A. It'll charge you; B. It'll rear up on its hind legs; C. Its ears will stand straight up; D. You'll wish you hadn't.
     Here is a bit of practical wisdom from Joan Gussow:  "As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."  Nature’s way seems pretty good...  On to the real material!
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Thanks to chaos:  This is true but not all bread company's use the same color code.
I didn't know this, did you? Thought everyone might enjoy this, if they didn't already know it!  I thought this was interesting.  I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers do have different colored twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors.  You learn something new everyday!! When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday?  And each day has a different color twist tie.  They are:
 Monday - Blue
 Tuesday - Green
 Thursday - Red
 Friday - White
 Saturday - Yellow
So today being Thursday, I wanted a red twist tie-not white which is Friday (almost a week old).  The colors go alphabetically by color Blue -Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday thru Saturday.  Very easy to remember. But I put a post-it note in my wallet when I first found out about this so I would not forget.  Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
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A favorite from a friend:  OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS
 
~ Astronaut: "Nearer My God, To Thee"
~ Baker: "I Need Thee Every Hour"
~ Barber: "A Parting Hymn We Sing"
~ Baseball Batter: "Seek Thee First"
~ Builder: "How Firm A Foundation" and "The Church's One Foundation"
~ Canoeist: "Flow, River, Flow"
~ Carpenter: "The Nail Scarred Hand"
~ Children's Librarian: "We've A Story To Tell"
~ Chiropractor: "Awake My Soul, Stretch Every Nerve"
~ Civil Engineer: "When I Survey The Wondrous Cross"
~ Dentist: "Crown Him With Many Crowns"
~ Electrician: "O Joyful Light" and "Send The Light"
~ Fisherman: "Shall We Gather At The River?"
~ Golfer: "There Is A Green Hill Far Away"
~ Gossiper: "Pass It On," "It Is No Secret," and "Oh, For A Thousand Tongues"
~ Historian: "Tell Me The Old, Old Story"
~ IRS: "All To Thee (I Owe)" and "We Give Thee But Thine Own"
~ Jogger: "The Path Of Life"
~ Lifeguard: "Come To The Water"
~ Long-Distance Trucker: "On The Highways And Byways Of Life"
~ Mathematician: "10,000 Times, 10,000 Times"
~ Medical Technician: "Revive Us Again"
~ Mountain Climber: "The Rock That Is Higher Than I"
~ Newlywed: "I Need Thee Every Hour"
~ Obstetrician: "He Is Able To Deliver Thee"
~ Optometrist: "Open Mine Eyes That I Might See" and "When I Can Read My Title Clear"
~ Paratrooper: "Now On Land And Sea Descending"
~ Philosopher: "I Am Thinking Today"
~ Politician: "Standing On The Promises"
~ Real Estate Agent: "I've Got A Mansion"
~ Sailboater: "Deep River"
~ Sceptic: "Almost Persuaded"
~ Shopper: "Sweet By And By"
~ Speech Therapist: "He Never Said A Mumbling Word"
~ Steeple Builder: "Lift High The Cross"
~ Stonecutter: "Rock Of Ages"
~ Switchboard Operator: "There's A Call Comes Ringing"
~ Tailor: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
~ Voice Teacher: "Sing Them Over Again To Me"
~ Watchmaker: "Take Time To Be Holy"
~ Watchman: "Silent Night"
~ Weatherman: "There Shall Be Showers Of Blessings"

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From a friend:  Today I Will...
1. TODAY I WILL NOT STRIKE BACK: If someone is rude, if someone is impatient, if someone is unkind.... I will not respond in a like manner.
2. TODAY I WILL ASK GOD TO BLESS MY "ENEMY": If I come across someone who treats me harshly or unfairly, I will quietly ask GOD to bless that individual. I understand the "enemy" could be a family member, neighbor, co-worker or stranger.
3. TODAY I WILL BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY: I will carefully choose and guard my words being certain that I do not spread gossip.
4. TODAY I WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE: I will find ways to help share the burden of another person.
5. TODAY I WILL FORGIVE: I will forgive any hurts or injuries that come my way.
6. TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, BUT I WILL DO IT SECRETLY: I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.
7. TODAY I WILL TREAT OTHERS THE WAY I WISH TO BE TREATED: I will practice the golden rule- do unto others as I would have them do unto you-with  everyone I encounter.
8. TODAY I WILL RAISE THE SPIRITS OF SOMEONE WHO IS DISCOURAGED: My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling with life.
9. TODAY I WILL NURTURE MY BODY: I will eat less;  I will eat only healthy foods.  I will thank GOD for my body.
10. TODAY I WILL GROW SPIRITUALLY: I will spend a little more time in prayer today:  I will begin reading something spiritual or inspirational today; I will find a quiet place (at some point during this day) and listen to GOD's voice. --Author Unknown
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ANSWER:  C. -- The elephant's ears will stand straight up.
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Good Morning:  It's Saturday June 23, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Irvin Cobb, 1876; Bob Fosse, 1927; June Carter Cash, 1929; Wilma Rudolph, 1940; Ted Shackleford, 1946; Clarence Thomas, 1948.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in AD 963 Luxembourg became a principality.  It has since survived occupations and invasions by more powerful neighbors -- and every other country is more powerful than Luxembourg except in its ability to survive.  Good countries, like other good things, sometimes come in small packages.
On this date in 1868 he capital letter typewriter was patented.
On this date in 1894 Edward VIII, Duke of Windsor, was born.
On this date in 1931 aviators Wiley Post and Harold Catty took off from New York for a flight around the world.
On this date in 1938 the U.S. Congress created the Civil Aeronautics Authority.
On this date in 1961 the International Treaty of Scientific Cooperation was signed.
On this date in 1980 "Late Night With David Letterman" premiered on NBC.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Weatherman Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald... Cajun chef Paul Prudhomme weighed 500 pounds at the age of fifteen... Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter, who co-starred as the TV comedy couple on the long-running "Family Ties", were, in real life, both born on the exact same day -- June 21, 1947.
TRIVIA:  Who was the first non-American golfer to win the Masters?
     Here is an anonymous quote to start our Saturday:  "It was a lucky thing for all of us when Alexander Graham Bell made his first telephone call, the line was not busy."  Here we go:
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"There is one way to handle the ignorant and malicious critic.  Ignore him."  Anonymous
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Thanks to AB:  Windows
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house  replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves.
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"Candor is the brightest gem of criticism."  Benjamin Disraeli
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Thanks to PW:  Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the lagging attendance at the congregation where he preached.  So in the weekly church bulletin, the preacher wrote the following:
This . . .  is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . .  sometimes .. .  looks . . .  to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he  . . .  goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . .  to . . . deliver . . . his . . .message.
 Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware!  Much like an automobile, a Christian usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
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"The world is full of fools and faint hearts; and yet everyone has the courage enough to bear the misfortunes, and wisdom enough to manage the affairs of his neighbor."  Benjamin Franklin
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Thanks to LBS:  YOU KNOW!
A lady was walking down the street to work and saw a parrot in a pet store. She stopped to admire the bird.  The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  Well, the lady was furious!  She stormed past the store and went to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  She was incredibly angry now.  The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store on the way home from work, the parrot said to her, "Hey, lady!"  She paused and said, "Yes?"  The bird said, "You KNOW."
 In his first epistle, the apostle John placed a great deal of emphasis on things that "you KNOW".  Just a few examples:   "Now by this we know that we KNOW Him, if we keep His commandments." (I John 2:3)
 "And you KNOW that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin." (3:5)
 “And by this we KNOW that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us." (3:24b)
 "And if we KNOW that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." (5:15)
 "We KNOW that we are of God, and the whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one." (5:19)
 "And we KNOW that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may KNOW Him who is true." (5:20a)  You KNOW!
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"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."  Anais Nin
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From a friend:  SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up different areas of your home, but all the sponges look the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their similarity -- and they all look the same until they're squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out -- anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed, untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
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"Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them."  Aristotle
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ANSWER:  South African Gary Player first won the Masters in 1961 and followed it up in 1974 and 1978.
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Good Morning:  It's Sunday June 24, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Henry Ward Beecher, 1813; Jack Dempsey, 1895; poet John Ciardi, 1916; Mick Fleetwood, 1942; Michelle Lee, 1942; Phyllis George, 1949; Nancy Allen, 1950.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1497 John Cabot sighted land between Halifax and southern Labrador -- in fact, that was the first recorded sighting of the North American mainland.  History now tells us that the Vikings had landed on this continent some 5 centuries earlier, but they left no (as yet discovered) written record of their epic journey.
On this date in 1763 the Empress Josephine of France was born.
On this date in 1947 the term "flying saucer" was first used to describe a UFO sighting by Kenneth Arnold of Boise, Idaho.  He reported seeing nine flying saucers in formation over Mount Ranier, Washington.
On this date in 1948 the Berlin Blockade began.
On this date in 1983 Sally Ride became America's first female astronaut to return to earth.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Forty percent of M&Ms are brown... Eat a raw cashew and you may "cash-ew" in your chips.  A cashew contains a poisonous oil and needs to be roasted before it is safe for eating... The twin Popsicle was created during the Depression so that two children could share a single treat.
TRIVIA:  Who was Thomas Wilson and why was he pretty well known in the early part of the twentieth century?
     Calvin Trillin said, "If law schoos is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?"  Good question...  You know, I ran a lawyer joke on here once (more than once, now that I think about it) and it seems that some lawyers are very sensitive about their occupation.  The main thing to keep in mind at all times on this list is its' name:  Daily Humor.  On with the funnies (and other stuff).
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From FridayFunnies:  Ponder This
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly.
It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get older.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape... round is a shape.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
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From FridayFunnies:  Internet Prayer
Help me log on without fretting,
Guide me as I'm internetting,
Bless my up and downloading,
Keep my browser from exploding.
May my website be protected,
Let not my password be rejected.
Keep my line connection clear...
And tech support always near!
 ~ Author Unknown ~
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From a friend:  THE CLOCK OF LIFE
The Clock of Life is wound but once
  and no man has the power;
To say, just when the hands will stop,
  at late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed,
  To lose one's health is more;
To lose one's soul is such a loss
  That no man can restore.

Now is the only time you own,
  So live and toil with will;
Place no faith in your tomorrow,
  For the clock may then be still.
 
-Author Unknown
     This poem has been around for years. It’s power is not in the reputation of its author, nor in the beauty of its phrasing. The power is in its message. God has given us today to trust and obey Him. He has declared
that “now is the day of salvation” (II Cor. 6:2).
     The message is to each day think and pray and live so that your soul (you!) enjoy the grace and mercy of God found in Christ Jesus. If we are too busy to find time for God we are too busy.
     Actually it is a matter of what is important to us, isn’t it? After all, we all have the same number of minutes in a day. What we do with them is determined by what is important to us and just how important it really is.
     As we face our own frailty, that our “clock may then be still”, here is another poem about what endures forever —
The Anvil
 
Last eve I passed beside a blacksmith's door
And heard the anvil ring the vesper chime:
Then looking in, I saw upon the floor
Old hammers, worn with beating years of time.
"How many anvils have you had," said I,
"To wear and batter all these hammers so?"
"Just one," said he, and then with twinkling eyes,
"The anvil wears the hammers out, you know."
And so, thought I, the anvil of God's word,
For ages skeptic blows have beat upon;
Yet though the noise of falling blows was heard,
The anvil is unharmed . . . the hammers are gone.
 
-author unknown
     The Bible has truly passed the test of time. Over the centuries skeptics have attacked the Bible and predicted its end, but it seems to just grow stronger the older it gets. It truly is ageless. Its author is our Eternal God.
     As we seriously consider our lives before God what could be more prudent and show more wisdom than to depend on God’s Word as a guide for our lives? We all sense that we could do better in living our lives. How wonderful it is that God has provided us with a perfect guide to follow.
     Peter, in I Peter 1:22-25 quotes another poem, one found in the Old Testament (Isa. 40:6) which contains God’s promise about His Word. He first notes the power of the Bible to change us.
     “Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, having been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides forever, because
    “All flesh is as grass,
     And all the glory of man
         as the flower of the grass.
     The grass withers,
     And its flower falls away,
     But the word of the LORD
          endures forever.”
         Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.”
      All of this being true, Peter then exhorts us,
“Therefore, laying aside all malice, all guile, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.” (I Peter 2:1-3)  Dennis Kilgo
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ANSWER:  He happened to be President of the United States for eight years between 1913 and 1921.  He prefered to go by his middle name, Woodrow.
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Good Morning:  It's Monday June 25, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  George Abbott, 1887; George Orwell, 1903; director Sidney Lumet, 1924; June Lockhart, 1925; Carly Simon, 1945; Jimmie Walker, 1948; George Michael, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1876 the Battle of Little Big Horn took place.  The only member of the Seventh Cavalry to survive the battle was Comanche, a horse who became a national celebrity.
On this date in 1950 the Korean War began.  North Korea invaded South Korea and countless casualties and a relatively unaltered border resulted after years of fighting.  The popular television show "M*A*S*H" was cast against the backdrop of this war.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  According to the "New England Journal of Medicine", if your left thumbnail is wider and squarer at the base than the right one, you're a southpaw (and vice-versa)... Dogs can understand about a two hundred word human vocabulary while a cat comprehends about only fifty words... The most popular hobby in the world is stamp collecting (my good online friend, LBS, is an avid collector).
TRIVIA:  True or False?  There has never been a bachelor president in the United States.
     George Orwell supplies our thought to start our Monday -- "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."  Ever heard that one mis-quoted?  Probably so, but that is the original.  I hope your Monday is a good one!
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Thanks to Chaos:  ON RAISING CHILDREN!!
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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From FridayFunnies:  Top 35 Oxymorons
 
 35.  State worker [FF!Notes: That one is to be excessively more true in Minnesota if Jesse and the gang don't get their act together soon!]
 34.  Legally drunk
 33.  Exact estimate
 32.  Act naturally
 31.  Found missing
 30.  Resident alien
 29.  Genuine imitation
 28.  Airline Food
 27.  Good grief
 26.  Government organization
 25.  Sanitary landfill
 24.  Alone together
 23.  Small crowd
 22.  Business ethics
 21.  Soft rock
 19.  Military Intelligence
 18.  Sweet sorrow
 17.  Rural Metro (ambulance service)
 16.  "Now, then ..."
 15.  Passive aggression
 14.  Clearly misunderstood
 13.  Peace force
 12.  Extinct Life
 11.  Plastic glasses
 10.  Terribly pleased
 9.  Computer security
 8.  Political science
 7.  Tight slacks
 6.  Definite maybe
 5.  Pretty ugly
 4.  Rap music
 3.  Working vacation
 2.  Religious tolerance
 And the number one Oxymoron....
. 1.  Microsoft Works
 
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This version from FridayFunnies, it has been around:
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash.  Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
 The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
 "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
 "Get in line."
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Thanks to Chaos:  A Teacher's Story
I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack.  About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.   With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.
Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment.  Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day."
Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you  all to make me a promise.   From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice.   It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent-perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground.
Please look for these things, and cherish them.   For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are "the stuff" of life.  The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy.  The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time... it can all be taken away."
The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently.   That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook.
Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today.  Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone.   For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do.
If you like this, please pass it on to a friend, if not just delete it and go on with your life!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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From Friday Funnies:
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman
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ANSWER:  False -- James Buchanan, the fifteenth president, was unmarried.
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Good Morning:  It's Tuesday June 26, 2001!
Good Morning:  It's Wednesday June 27, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Helen Keller, 1880; Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan, 1927; H. Ross Perot, 1930; Rico Petrocelli, 1943; Julia (Stephanie Vanderkellen) Duffy, 1951; Craig Hodges, 1960; Chuck Person, 1964.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1844 Mormon leaders Joseph and Hyrum Smith were murdered by a mob in Carthage, Illinois.
On this date in 1929 Bell Labs conducted the first transmission of color television.  That was when the NBC peacock was still an egg...
On this date in 1936 President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered his "rendezvous with destiny" speech.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Jackie Gleason wrote the theme song for "The Honeymooners"... The original working title of the Beatles hit song "Yesterday" was "Scrambled Eggs"... Chuck Berry had but a single number one hit -- "My Ding-a-ling" in 1972.
TRIVIA:  Which is the most often sung tune in the world?
     Here's one to think about, from John Peers -- "A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two is never sure."  On to the stuff!
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Thanks to AB:  Democratic Tax Cut/Rebate
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), here's an example:  50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out and a refund was due.
The team was about to send out refunds when the Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrats' interpretation of fairness. After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the richest people.
The Democrats' plan says:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. People in the $15 seats will get back $15, because that's only fair.
People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund.
People in the $50 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.
The people driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help.
Now do you understand?
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Thanks to my friend in AR JP:  Potatoes, Eggs and Coffee Beans
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it.
She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed. Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot.
He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter.
The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft.
He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak.
The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water.
Then the inside of the egg became hard.
However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter? "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean? " In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
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Here's another one from JP:  The Pledge of Allegiance by Red Skelton
As a schoolboy, one of Red Skelton's teachers explained the words and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class. Skelton later wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture. It is followed by an observation of his own.
I - - Me; an individual; a committee of one.
Pledge - - Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.
Allegiance - - My love and my devotion.
To the Flag - - Our standard; Old Glory ; a symbol of Freedom; wherever she waves there is respect, because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts, "Freedom is everybody's job".
United - - That means that we have all come together.
States of America - - Individual communities that have united into forty-eight great states. Forty-eight individual communities with pride and dignity and purpose. All divided with imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common purpose, and that is love for country.
And to the Republic - - Republic--a state in which sovereign power is invested in representatives chosen by the people to govern. And government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.
For which it stands One Nation - - One Nation--meaning, so blessed by God.
Indivisible - - Incapable of being divided.
With Liberty - - Which is Freedom; the right of power to live one's own life, without threats, fear, or some sort of retaliation.
And Justice - - The principle, or qualities, of dealing fairly with others.
For All - - For All--which means, boys and girls, it's as much your country as it is mine.
And now, boys and girls, let me hear you recite the Pledge of Allegiance:
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands; one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country, and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer, and that would be eliminated from schools, too? Red Skelton
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ANSWER:  "Happy Birthday to You" -- This song, composed by Kentucky schoolteacher Mildred Hill, was originally written as a song for schoolchildren and titled "Good Morning to You".  Patty Hill had written the words in 1893 and in 1924 the now familiar "Happy Birthday" lyrics were added.
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