The House is just as impertinent
And both make laws they wont keep.
The scribes and Pharisees did the same,
And, the wrath of God, they had to reap. Mt. 23:2-7
(A.D. 70 destruction of Jerusalem)
How long will men be so foolish?
As long as continuing time!
But when Christ shall come in His glory
He'll put all things into rhyme.
In the meantime people must suffer
As congress continues it's CHARADE,
Desiring, as the Pharisees, their plaudits,
As they pass along in parade.
God says that people must work
If they expect to be fed.
II Thes. 3:10
But to the troughs of government welfare
The neer-do-wells are being led.
A lot of the people realize
That congress can't pass wisdom's test.
But, isn't it sad, one must ask,
That they seemed to have fooled all the rest.
If people don't come to their senses
And return to the morals of God,
His wrath will continue on the U. S. of A.,
And that is a truth not so odd.
By L. B. Strawn
October 28 & 29, 1993
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH for these 3:
Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working.
He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since
she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't
bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the
bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman,
but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and
about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying,
"You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer,
get him!!!"
*****
I'll use my seeing eye dog.
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery
store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the
tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The
store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So,
he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the
blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
*****
Gas price comparison
Gas Prices vs ? People have been complaining about the rising price
of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value
(especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at
the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in
this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were
to buy a gallon of . . .
- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil
or Scope or Whiteout!
*******************************************************
ANSWER: 66 66/66.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Friday June 29, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:
Peter Paul Rubens, 1577; George Washington
Goethals, 1858; surgeon William Mayo, 1861; Slim
Pickens, 1919; Elizabeth Dole, 1936; Harmon Killebrew,
1936; Gary Busey, 1944; Fred Grandy, 1948.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On
this date in 1566 the Stationers Company was
granted a monopoly. Great Britain's Queen Mary had
granted the Stationers Company guild the power to be
the nation's sole booksellers eight years earlier, but
on this date they gained a total monopoly on the
business of publishing. The guild consisted of
printers, booksellers, and publishers nicknamed for
the stalls or stations they set up to sell their
wares. Their monopoly meant that every book title had
to be registered in the company's roster in advance.
"Illegal" books were confiscated and burned. No guild
member was allowed to publish the same book as another
member. Healthy competition wasn't even considered.
No edition could exceed 1,250 copies. Best-sellers
had to be reset and reprinted so printers would have
steady work. Book prices soared in the absence of
competition.
On
this date in 1767 Britain passed the Townsend
Revenue Act -- taxing such imports to the new world as
glass, paper, lead, paints and tea. This led to a
1773 "party"...
On
this date in 1900 Antoine de Saint-Exupery was
born.
On
this date in 1928 Al Smith was nominated as a
presidential candidate. Four years earlier Alfred E.
Smith was denied the Democratic nomination because he
was a Catholic.
On
this date in 1946 British authorities arrested more
than 2,700 Zionists. The involvement of Great Britain
in the "holy land" was resented by many Arab nations
following the First World War, but as the Second World
War came to an end troubles in British-held Palestine
escalated. Tens of thousands of displaced European
Jews moved to overtake the "holy land" in the name of
Zionism -- a radical religious and political movement
that had originated in Eastern Europe. Terrorism
erupted in Jerusalem, and this prompted the British to
arrest more than 2,700 Zionists in the hope that it
might end the plague of bombings and sniper attacks.
It didn't, for two years later Great Britain was
forced to leave Palestine and the new "nation of
Israel" was born. Jerusalem was split in half, so
that many of the Islamic holy places would not fall
under Zionist jurisdiction.
On
this date in 1949 the United States withdrew its
troops from Korea.
On
this date in 1967 Israel united east and west
Jerusalem, thus igniting a full-scale war.
On
this date in 1995 the space shuttle ATLANTIS linked
up with th MIR space station.
MEANINGLESS
FACTS: Red schoolhouses were painted red
because it was the cheapest color paint... An ant's
sense of smell is just as good as a dogs... Retlaw
Yensid was the writer of the 1966 Disney movie "Lt.
Robin Crusoe, U.S.N." Retlaw Yensid is Walter Disney
backwards.
TRIVIA:
What are the only members of the animal
kingdom to commonly sleep on their backs?
Herbert Hoover said, "Blessed are the young, for
they shall inherit the national debt." He was half
right...
*******************************************************
Thanks to GB: Pumpkin
A
lady had recently been baptized. One of her
co-workers asked her what it was like to be a
Christian. She was caught off guard and didn't know
how to answer; but when she looked up, saw a
jack-o-lantern on the desk and answered: "It's like
being a pumpkin."
The co-worker asked her to explain that one.
"Well,
God picks you from the patch and brings you in
and washes off all the dirt on the outside that you
got from being around all the other pumpkins. Then he
cuts off the top and takes all the yucky stuff out
from inside.
He
removes all those seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then he carves you a new smiling face and puts his
light inside of you to shine for all to see. It is
our choice to either stay outside and rot on the vine
or come inside and be something new and bright."
I'll never look at a pumpkin the same way again...
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Lessons from Crayons
Some
are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some
have weird names, and all are different colors... but
they all have to learn to live in the same box.
*******************************************************
Thanks
to LBS for another very good poem: I AM NOT A
PROPHET
I
am not a prophet, nor am I a prophet's son,
But--the demise of the U.S.A. surely has already
begun.
The U.S.A., as I've known it, has faded into the past,
And the coming of the demise, through evil, has been
cast.
When
murder has become so meaningless that we're
killing our unborn,
And aiding many of our elderly to die, our future
becomes forlorn.
When homosexuals and lesbians roam the streets at
will,
When "so called" christian churches allow their
pernicious swill;
When lying and cheating are rampant among the rulers
of our land,
And divorce is the rule of the day, and crime has the
upper hand;
When sinful pleasure is increasing and morality has
decayed,
Before the almighty hand of GOD, the cost cannot be
defrayed.
Ancient
Rome is a prime example and pre-Christ Israel,
as well.
They both faded out of existence, for GOD had sounded
their death knell.
Do you think the U.S. of A. is any better than either
of them,
When we turn to sin and dis-obey those good moral laws
from HIM?
SO---even
though I'm no prophet, nor am I a prophet's
son,
History should teach us a lesson--that sin, we should
always shun.
For, if we fail to live morally and commit such
heinous sins,
If we fail to turn our lives back to GOD and, our
evil, we fail to cleanse,
We haven't learned history's lesson--and history will
never defeat itself,
Then man, in his sinful folly, will always help it to
repeat itself.
By
L. B. Strawn
March 30, 1996
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: School Lunch
Children
were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large
pile of apples.
The
nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching".
Moving through the line, to the other end of the
table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A
boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching
the apples".
*******************************************************
Thanks to Stan Kegel: Patrick O'Reilly was lucky.
Since
the day he had found that four-leaf clover,
everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the
wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they
were married.
And
now, a year later, he was the proud father of
beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.
At
work, the story was the same. He had been promoted
and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm
had come up with a profit sharing plan.
Patty
was certain his good fortune was due to his
four-leaf clover, Everywhere he went, he was certain
to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.
One
morning, Patty could not find the clover. He
searched the house, but it was not there.
In
panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it.
He finally recalled it was in his grey suit that he
had dropped off at the dry cleaners.
He
rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work
had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked
up. He searched the suit and found the four-leaf
clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the
dry cleaning.
From
that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was
good but was no longer perfect. The little
inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire
as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins
developed measles when his boss and his wife were over
for dinner. Patty's life had changed.
He
still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not
living under the silver lining he was used to and had
come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited
the parish priest to see if he could help him
understand what had happened.
"This
certainly should have been expected," he was
told. “You should have known that it is never right to
press one's luck." (By Stan Kegel)
*******************************************************
ANSWER: That would be us -- human beings.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Saturday June 30, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:
David Wayne, 1916; Lena Horne, 1917; Buddy
Rich, 1917; Susan Hayward, 1919; Mitch Richmond, 1965;
Mike Tyson, 1966.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On
this date in 1572 Great Britain's Poor law was
passed, giving statutory assistance to the poor who
were unemployed or vagrant. Church parishes were
responsible for distributing this government-funded
aid. Those applicants who were willing and able to
work were given tools and placed in paying jobs.
Those who couldn't work -- such as the elderly or
infirm -- were cared for in their homes. Able-bodied
individuals who were work-shy were publicly punished
as vagrants.
On
this date in 1870 Ada Kepley became the first
female law school graduate.
On
this date in 1906 the Meat Inspection Act became
law.
On this date in 1936 GONE WITH THE WIND was published.
On
this date in 1971 the 26th Amendment was ratified,
giving the right to vote to 18-year-olds.
MEANINGLESS
FACTS: "Chop suey" means "odds and
ends"... The color red is not generally used in the
packaging of Ice Cream because it reminds people of
heat... Nyctophobia is the fear of darkness.
TRIVIA: What do these three sentences have in common?
Pack
my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
The five boxing wizards jump quickly.
The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.
Here is a good question from Steve Bluestein:
"Did you ever notice that when you blow into a dog's
face he gets mad, but when you take him in a car he
sticks his head out the window?" Think about that...
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Very interesting.......
The
Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog
handlers, and golfers to take extra precautions and be
on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena,
and Lewis and Clark National Forests.
They
advise people to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but
not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise
you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with
a bear.
It
is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear
activity. People should be able to recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries
and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.
*******************************************************
Thanks
to M/M Riverrats: When White man found this
land!
When
white man found this land, native "Indians" were
running it.
No Taxes...
No Debts...
Plenty Buffalo...
Plenty beaver!
Plenty birds, rabbits, deer, and other "game" for
food.
Women did the work at home, and raised the children.
Men provided the food and shelter as he should.
Indian stayed with first and only squaw he married
until death.
Medicine Man was free !
Indian man hunted and fished all the time.
Indian man left natural land the same as it was.
White man came to this land - dumb enough to think
that he could improve on a system like that ! ! ! ...
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: What's good for the goose!!!
When
you get those pre-approved letters in the mail
for
everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk
like that, most of them come with postage paid return
envelopes, right?
Well,
why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad
for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or
a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything
else that day, then just send them their application
back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you
send them. You can send it back empty if you want to
just to keep 'em guessing! Let's turn this into a
chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card
companies will begin getting all their things back in
the mail.
Let's
let them know what it's like to get junk mail,
and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say
e-mail
is cutting into their business, and that's why
they need to increase postage again!
*******************************************************
Thanks
to PW: HE MAKES NO MISTAKE
My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache,
But in my soul I'm glad I know
He makes no mistake.
My
cherished plans go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I'll trust the Lord to lead.
For He does know the way.
Tho'
night be dark and it may seem
That day will never break;
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him.
He makes no mistake.
There's
so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim,
But come what may, I'll simply trust
And leave it all to Him.
For
by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He'll make.
Through all the way, tho' dark to me,
He made not one mistake.
Author Unknown
*******************************************************
A great poem by LBS: WOES ON EV'RY HAND
I
climbed to the top of the mountain
And looked at the troubled land.
From the east to the westward fountain,
There were woes on ev'ry hand.
From
Canada to the gulf and old Mexico,
To Alaska as well as Hawaii's isles,
The ills were seen to continue and grow,
And amidst the problems were Satan's wiles.
He
was beguiling most people with fun.
“Grab all the gusto each day as you woo it.
Have sex, do drugs till the day is done.
If it feels good, go ahead and do it..”
Yet
others, he was beguiling with hate.
"Kill--destroy with arson and gun.
At ev'ry opportunity do it--don't wait.
This, too, is a form of having fun."
"It
gives you a glow, a sensuous thrill,
To take a life, to show you're the tops.
It's such a blast to kill and kill.
Don't worry about the stupid cops."
I
could tell this was all so appealing
To many of the young and to many of the old.
The family values he was stealing
In a scene too sad to behold.
So
many babies were being aborted,
The action declared as a "God given right".
But God's word is being distorted---
Thus, the surgical carts were a gruesome sight.
Their
little backs and legs and thighs,
Their tiny arms and necks and heads,
Pieces mingled with brains and eyes;
Not as children lying on their beds.
The adults were teaching and luring the young
Into sex and drugs and prostitution.
These sinful lusts from Satan have sprung
And, it's ripping apart our constitution.
The
carnage brought anguish, along with fears
That, soon our nation might cease to be.
My heart felt an ache, my eyes filled with tears;
These things were just part of all I could see.
I
wondered how God had patience to condone
All of this evil brought by Satan's wiles,
Remembering the destruction to Sodom, He'd done
For their pernicious and different life styles.
He
has destroyed many Godless nations !!
His power is far greater than ours.
He uses many natural situations
To prove His majestic and awesome powers.
One
situation He's using seems to be AIDS
In an effort to persuade evil man
Away from his immoral escapades
And back to salvation's simple plan.
But,
man is too wise in his own conceits
And may not heed the lesson given.
Most likely he'll listen to Satan's deceits
And ignore the lighted pathway to heaven.
How
sad was I as I slowly descended
Into the depths of chaos and death,
For, as a mortal, I'm not yet ascended
So I must live by a mortal's breath.
While
on the peak I had cried, "How long?"
"How long, oh Lord, must this carnage go on?"
Yet, I knew through His word that I must be strong
And live among sin till He calls me home.
By L. B. Strawn
January 19 and February 28, 1993
*******************************************************
ANSWER:
They are panagrams -- a sentence that
includes every letter of the alphabet.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday July 1, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Novelist George Sand, 1804; Charles Laughton, 1899;
William Wyler, 1902; Estee Lauder, 1908; Olivia DeHavilland, 1916; Leslie
Caron, 1931; Sidney Pollack, 1934; Jamie (Klinger) Farr, 1936; Twyla Tharp,
1941; Dan Akroyd, 1952; Princess Di, 1961; Carl Lewis, 1961.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1847 the U.S. Post Office issued the first adhesive-backed
stamps.
On this date in 1862 the Bureau of Internal Revenue was established
by an act of Congress.
On this date in 1863 the Battle of Gettysburg began.
On this date in 1867 the provinces of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Quebec,
and Ontario officially became the Dominion of Canada.
On this date in 1873 the province of Prince Edward Island joined into
the confederation of Canada.
On this date in 1963 the U.S. Post Office inaugurated the postal zip-code
system.
On this date in 1966 Medicare went into effect.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The 1,500 pound leatherback turtle carries
a shell that is as big as a king size bed, but a lot harder to find fitted
sheets for... An elephant smells through its mouth, not its trunk... The
most common albino animal is the Siamese cat.
TRIVIA: In which city did the first United States zoo open?
Bill Vaughan observed: "The wonderful
world of appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal
and outdoors with gas." Amazing, huh???
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: ANOTHER FROG STORY
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go
on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says "$30,000"
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank
manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with
the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
And he wants to use THIS as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what IS this?"
Are you ready??? You're gonna hate me! Here it comes... The bank manager
looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give
the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: HOW DO YOU MEASURE YOURSELF?
This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.
To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =
0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,
then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure
the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter
of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for
Physics. Just goes to show that there are lots of different ways to measure
the height of a building. But suppose you wanted to measure something
a little more abstract -- your Christianity, for example. How would
you go about doing that?
Some folks simply look around at everyone else and see how their lives
compare. "Well, I'm not as immoral as most of the people I know."
"I'm certainly better than the hypocrites that go to church down there."
Paul said, though, "For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves
with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves,
and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise." (2 Cor. 10:12).
They're not wise because we have to measure ourselves using a higher standard.
The standard we must use is nothing less than the life of Jesus Christ.
"....till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of
the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the
fullness of Christ." (Eph. 4:11-13). Using God's Word as our guide, we
all see just how far we have yet to grow. I encourage you to take measure
of your life today as you strive to grow in Christ.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: On July 1, 1874 the first zoo opened in Philadelphia
with 1,000 animals on display. There were 3,000 visitors with admission
costing adults 25 cents and children 10 cents.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday July 2, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Thurgood Marshall, 1908; Dan Rowan, 1922; Polly Holiday,
1937; Richard Petty, 1937; John Sununu, 1939; Cheryl Ladd, 1952; Jose`
Canseco, 1964.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1566 French astrologer, physician and prognosticator
Nostradamus died.
On this date in 1776 the Continental Congress declared American independence.
On this date in 1777 Vermont became the first American colony to abolish
slavery.
On this date in 1937 aviatrix Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan
disappeared over the Pacific.
On this date in 1947 a UFO (simply meaning Unidentified Flying Object
-- not necessarily one from outer space) crashed near Roswell, New Mexico.
On this date in 1950 the motion picture PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE premiered.
On this date in 1964 (my birth-year) president Lyndon B. Johnson signed
the Civil Right Act into law.
On this date in 1982 Larry Walters rose 16,000 feet into the air, using
a lawn chair and forty-two helium balloons. He was arrested by authorities
for violating Los Angeles air space after a United Airlines pilot radioed
to the airport that he had just passed a man in a lawn chair with a gun
while landing his passenger jetliner.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Abraham Lincoln was a liscensed bartender...
The real first name of "Bonanza's" Hoss Cartwright was Eric... The average
magazine lies around the house for 29 weeks before someone gets around
to throwing it out.
TRIVIA: What French word, spelled backwards, gives its English
translation -- a word which describes how the U.S. is made up?
Jackie Mason said, "America is the only country
in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the
matress." Uh hmm, on to the real material.
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW: RECALL
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the
original prototype units (code name Adam and Eve), resulting in the reproduction
of the same defect in all subsequent units, who chose to behave as the
original units behaved. This defect has been technically termed,
"Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality" -- or more commonly known
as SIN, as it is primarily expressed. Some other symptoms are as
follows:
A) Loss of direction
B) Foul vocal emissions
C) Amnesia of origin
D) Lack of peace and joy
E) Selfish, or violent behavior
F) Depression or confusion in the mental component
G) Fearfulness
H) Idolatry
I) Rebellion
The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect,
is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct
this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered
to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required. The number to call for repair
in all areas is: O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E. Once connected, please
upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download
ATONEMENT from the Repair technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
A) Love
B) Joy
C) Peace;
D) Patience
E) Kindness;
F) Goodness
G) Faithfulness;
H) Gentleness;
I) Self-control
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems
too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently
impounded. For free emergency service, call on the Father.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action
will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted
to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank
you for your attention. Please assist where possible by notifying
others of this important recall notice.
*******************************************************
An excellent article from Clarence Johnson, via SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL.
To subscribe free of charge, email him at [email protected].
WHICH SON DID HIS FATHER’S WILL?
During His confrontation with the chief priests and elders, Jesus asked
them whether John’s baptism was from heaven or from men, and they refused
to answer. Then He spoke to them the parable of the two sons: "‘But what
do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, "Son,
go, work today in my vineyard." He answered and said, "I will not," but
afterward he regretted it and went. Then he came to the second and said
likewise. And he answered and said, "I go, sir," but he did not go. Which
of the two did the will of his father?’ They said to Him, ‘The first.’
Jesus said to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you that tax collectors and harlots
enter the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of
righteousness, and you did not believe him; but tax collectors and harlots
believed him; and when you saw it, you did not afterward relent and believe
him’" (Matt. 21:28-32).
Even though the chief priests and elders refused to answer the question
Jesus had asked them about the source of John’s authority, and even though
they claimed not to know whether John’s mission were human or Divine, Jesus
made an application of the principle involved, in such a way as to indict
them for their self-righteous hypocrisy.
The Israelite people in the first century could be compared with a
man’s two sons. One son made great claims about honoring his father. He
spoke great swelling words about his willingness to work in the father’s
vineyard. But upon examination, the fruit of any such labor was not to
be found. His honor to his father was in words only. The other son was
openly rebellious. He did not intend to honor his father or work in his
vineyard -- but later, he repented of that attitude and went to work. Jesus’
question to the priests and elders was "Which son did his father’s will
-- the one who said he would work but didn’t, or the one who had not intended
to do such work, but changed his mind and did the work his father asked?
His question implied that one of the two sons did indeed obey the father.
The priests and elders correctly identified the obedient son as being the
one who repented and did the work. Then Jesus made application of the parable:
When John came preaching the baptism of repentance for the remission of
sins, a Divinely commissioned message, and pointed to Jesus as the "Lame
of God who takes away the sin of the world" (John 1:29), it was, for the
most part, those who had earlier rebelled against God’s will who were led
to repent -- the harlots, tax collectors and other "hardened" sinners.
On the other hand, those who talked long and loud about their devotion
to God and claimed to be faithful workers ended up rejecting God’s chosen
messenger and his message. As Luke writes, "But the Pharisees and lawyers
rejected the counsel of God for themselves, not having been baptized by
him" (Luke 7:30). --CRJ
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Etats
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Tuesday July 3, 2001!
SPEICAL NOTE: I am in the process of switching the GRADOWITH
POEMS list and the DAILY HUMOR ARCHIVE from Listbot to my personal page.
Both lists remain active on Listbot, but will shut down in August when
they go to a pay system. The archive and the mailings will continue
unchanged. You do not have to do anything, you will stay on the list
and all should be as normal. If we experience any difficulty, accept
my apologies in advance and know that I am working hard to make it work
properly. Thanks. Tim
BIRTHDAYS: Musician Pete Fountain, 1930; author Tom Stoppard,
1937; Betty Buckley, 1947; Tom Cruise, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in AD 321 the Roman Emperor Constantine proclaimed DIES
SOLIS -- or Sunday -- as a day of rest and religious observance so his
Christian soldiers could attend services and his pagan troops could offer
prayers to their gods.
On this date in 1775 George Washington took command of the Continental
army. He was 43 at the time.
On this date in 1976 an Israeli commando unit raided the Entebbe airport
in Uganda and rescued 103 hostages from a hijacked Air France plane.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Half the world's lemons grow in the United
States, mostly in California... An avocado has 370 calories, the greatest
number of any fruit... Pineapples are not native to Hawaii. They
were first planted there in 1790.
TRIVIA: Which of the following letter designs does not belong
with the other six? Y E N F H A
Z
Tom Stoppard said, "Age is a high price to
pay for maturity." I hope your week is going well! Have a nice
day.
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for adding information to our never-ending quest to understand
the opposite sex:
Really Means
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out,
I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the
table?"
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea
how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in
the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS,
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words
to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed,
the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS,
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit
I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel
near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "! What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make
my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't
try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids
are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one
will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans
them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly
capable of messing it up without printed help."
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for: 36 Stress Reducers
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up early so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No, to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that
will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too
many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over
time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find
out what God would have you to do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't
do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key
buried in the garden, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut.) This single piece of advice can prevent
an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough exercise.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality
of life.
21. Write thoughts and inspirations down.
22. Everyday, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems
in the bud. Don't wait until its time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often
a good "Thank you, Lord!"
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (just realize that most people are
doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself often, that you are not the general manager of
the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for
that you've never been grateful for before.
** GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU**
Stress is the number one killer in the world today. (Remember how you
felt the last time you were stressed?) Reducing stress in your life
should become a major priority. Your life might just depend on it.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: The letter E, which is made of four straight lines.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's July 4, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: The Declaration of Independence, 1776; Stephen Foster,
1826; Calvin Coolidge, 1872; Louis Armstrong, 1900; Ann Landers, 1918;
Abigail Van Buren, 1918; Leona Helmsley, 1920; Eva Marie Saint, 1924; Neil
Simon, 1927; Gina Lollobrigida, 1928; George Steinbrenner, 1930; Geraldo
Rivera, 1943; Pam Shriver, 1962; Harvey Grant, 1965.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1826 both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died.
On this date in 1831 James Monroe died.
On this date in 1845 Henry D. Thoreau went to live near Walden Pond.
On this date in 1862 Lewis Carroll first told Alice Liddell the story
of Alice in Wonderland.
On this date in 1976 Israeli commandos raided Entebbe airport in Uganda
and rescued 103 hostages on a hijacked airliner.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: An excerpt from the diary of King George III
of England stated, "Nothing of importance happened today." It was
dated 7/4/1776... Calvin Coolidge was the only president to have been sworn
in by his own father... Calvin Coolidge loved to fish but always wore gloves
and made sure the Secret Service man handled the worms.
TRIVIA: Which continually published reference work in the English
language has been around the longest?
Ann Landers said, "Television has proved that
people will look at anything rather than each other." On to the stuff!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: IT AIN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL!!!!!!
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than
being old...How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but
stare at the walls or watch TV.
So last week, when the mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior
Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to do just that.
I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman,recently
widowed, who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because
he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of brownies, and, without bothering to call (some old
people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's
day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door
dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and
decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced
myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semi-finals
today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need
for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
"...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just
trot across the street and call on Granny Grady..."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called
to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty
parlor.
She mentioned at breakfast that she had an appointment for a
tint job."
I called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital...working
in the gift shop. I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation
in China. I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his
honeymoon. I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't
think I'm up to it.
*******************************************************
From a friend: Dependence
To keep the lamp alive,
With oil we fill the bowl;
‘Tis water makes the willow thrive,
And grace that feeds the soul.
The Lord’s unsparing hand
Supplies the living stream;
It is not at our own command,
But still derived from Him.
Beware of Peter’s word,
Nor confidently say,
“I never will deny Thee, Lord,”—
But,— “Grant I never may.”
Man’s wisdom is to seek
His strength in God alone;
And e’en an angel would be weak,
Who trusted in his own.
Retreat beneath His wings,
And in His grace confide!
This more exalts the King of kings,
Than all your works beside.
In Jesus is our store,
Grace issues from His throne;
Whoever says, “I want no more,”
Confesses he has none.
Author unknown
*******************************************************
From a friend: Tiny Souls
God just loves hearing from them!
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't you just keep the ones you have? --Amy
Dear GOD. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry
Dear GOD. If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
--Mickey
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in
the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it. --Nan
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when
You are on vacation? --Jane
Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love Alison
Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? --Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house? --Anita
Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it
an accident? --Norma
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Jan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church.
Is that okay? --Neal
Dear GOD, What does it mean, You are a Jealous GOD? I thought
You had everything. -- Jane
Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was
a puppy. --Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but
I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to
tell You who I am.)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed
to be our day of rest. --Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up. --Bruce
Dear GOD, If we come back as something--Please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton, because I hate her. --Denise.
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything
You want, except my money or my chess set. --Raphael
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat !! You should give him a tail.
Ha! Ha! --Danny
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with
so much hair all over. --Tom
Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both
ways. --Dean
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. --Ruth
M.
Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. --Elliott
Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David
the best. --Rob
Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound
right. He's just kidding, isn't he? --Marsha
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
-- Love Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school
they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. --Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah- "You made an ark on dry land
you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
--Eddie
Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well I just
want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
--Charles.
Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: The "Encyclopaedia Brittannica" has been in existence
since the mid 1700's. Incidentally, George Washington owned a set
of the third edition.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Thursday July 5, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Singapore founder Sir Stamford Raffles, 1781; Phineas T.
Barnum, 1810; Katherine Helmond, 1934; Goose Gossage, 1951; James Lofton,
1956.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1811 Venezuela gained its independence from Spanish
rule, the first South American nation to do so in "modern" times.
On this date in 1841 the first travel agency, Thomas Cook and Sons,
was founded in London.
On this date in 1865 William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The wood used to make Lincoln logs comes from
the forests of Oregon... Harry S Truman's first full day as president was
on a Friday the 13th... When Oreo cookies were first made, they were mound
shaped. The name comes from the Greek word "oreo" which means "hill".
TRIVIA: Can you name the only major sport where you play defense
when you HAVE the ball?
P.T. Barnum once said, "Every crowd has a
silver lining." I think that is the motto of some preachers I have
heard of through the years also...
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLLH: Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo
Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle,
and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW: SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies
"No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: Things I Have Learned from Fireflies
Let your light shine - no matter how small.
Don't be afraid of flying in the dark.
Keep a few secrets - let 'em wonder.
Believe in magic and life will be more fun.
Even an ugly bug can be beautiful.
Don't wait until the Fourth of July for fireworks.
Life is short, so shine while you can.
Take a little time for dancing in the dark.
It's okay to be a glitter bug.
Nothing can ever outshine nature.
Delight in simple things.
Bugs need love too.
Even a worm can glow.
If you don't want to be caught, fly fast...
Things don't have to be understood to be enjoyed.
Ask why, but don't expect an easy answer.
Hold things you love loosely, and learn to let them go. If people don't
understand you, it doesn't really matter.
Take time to celebrate life.
If your light goes out, wait a minute.
The best things in life are still free.
1999 - Sheila Moss, Humor Columnist.Com
*******************************************************
Thanks to Amy: The Dried Leaf
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got
there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's
Adam's underwear!
*******************************************************
From a preacher friend of mine:
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told
her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so
sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a Devil." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
*****
It's always said that brevity is the true heart and wit of humor. Let's
see if we can catch you once or twice in a smattering of quickies ..
-Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing
themselves.
-A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions,"
the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes,"
the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
-My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so
now it's just a waiting game.
-Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing.
He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.
-I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches
all over the world.
*****
A large, sporty snail, tired of being teased about being so slow, contacted
his local Porsche dealer. He ordered a two door car with a big "S" painted
on each door. When someone questioned the snail about his new car, he replied,
"When I speed along, people will say "Wow!, Look at that 'S car go' "
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB for an old favorite of which we need to be reminded all
along...
THE COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL
~ Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest
(a.k.a.: thou shall learn how to copy and paste).
~ Thou shalt not include EVERY email address whom hath ever receiveth
an email thou forwards; especially if it causesth thy recipient to receiveth
five or six attachments of hundreds of other people's email
addresses! (a.k.a.: thou shall learn how to copy and paste).
~ Thou shalt not forward any virus warnings or "urban legends" before
thou checketh out its validity!
~ Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message; be
thoughtful of the content of an email before thou forwardest it....what
thou findeth amusing might be offensive to thy recipient.
~ Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or *USE ALL CAPS (*this is considered
screaming).
~ Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar (example: "there" and
"they're" are very different words and causeth confusion for thy recipient).
~ Thou shalt not forward any chain letter (especially if it containeth
threatening words like "thy life shall falleth apart if thou doth not forward
this email").
~ Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
~ Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
~ Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
~ Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work
or public computers [library/ cybercafe].
~ When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it by the light
of the dawn.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Baseball.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Friday July 6, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Beatrix Potter, 1866; John Paul Jones, 1747; Nancy
Reagan, 1921; Merv Grifin, 1925; Janet Leigh, 1927; Ned Beatty, 1937; Sylvester
Stallone, 1946.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1747 one of our greatest naval heroes, John Paul Jones,
was born. His birth name was John Paul, Jones was added later --
when he fled from charges of murder on board a ship of which he was captain.
On this date in 1885 Louis Pasteur successfully used his anti-rabies
vaccine for the first time.
On this date in 1917 T.E. Lawrence and a small group of Arab revolutionaries
captured the Turkish garrison at Aqaba.
On this date in 1933 the first All-Star game was played with the AL
winning 4-2.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: "1812 Overture" composer Tchaikovsky suffered
from nervous disorders and hallucinations and had a morbid fear that his
head would roll off his shoulders while conducting the orchestra... "Double
hemisphere action" is the term used for the ability to write, simultaneously,
something completely different with both your left hand and right hand...
Thomas Edison was 32 when he invented the light bulb.
TRIVIA: What city is located on 2 continents?
Alfred E. Smith said, "No matter how thin
you slice it, it's still baloney." May your Friday be a nice one!
*******************************************************
Thanks to Amy: Be Happy
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,
have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't
old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated
that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they
are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete
when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car,
are we able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is,
there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your
life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure
it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend
your time with...and remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting....
--until your car or home is paid off
--until you get a new car or home
--until your kids leave the house
--until you go back to school
--until you finish school
--until you lose 10 lbs.
--until you gain 10 lbs.
--until you get married
--until you get a divorce
--until you have kids
--until you retire
--until summer
--until spring
--until winter
--until fall
--until you die
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So-work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
*******************************************************
Thanks to Chaos: TWENTY PEARLS OF WISDOM
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained
on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps
giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked
down by the traffic from both ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall,
claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill just add
a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being
the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold
it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner
was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis
is alive!
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again...
Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks
out its neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can
bet the water bill is higher.
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH for an old favorite: Woman wants to be six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her
up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right
to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a
movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and
M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You
idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman
speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: Quote
"When an American says that he loves his country, he means not only
that he loves the New England hills, the prairies glistening in the sun,
the wide and rising plains, the great mountains, and the sea. He means
that he loves an inner air, an inner light in which freedom lives and in
which a man can draw a breath of self-respect." - Adlai Stevenson
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: God's Love Is
God's love is miraculous as a newborn brought into the world.
God's love is more fullfilling than a Thanksgiving dinner.
God's love is nurturing as a mother holding her child in her arms.
God's love is satisfying as a big smile from a loved one.
God's love is bigger than the blessed Earth and beyond.
God's love is beyond any love you could imagine.
God's love is blessed as someone sick that is brought back to health.
God's love is strong as the Spirit given, that lives within us.
God's love is more wonderful than all of natures beauties.
God's love is as beautiful as the image that He made us.
God's love is imagery greater than the greatest artist in creation.
God's love is great as the healing Jesus that He sent us.
God's love is more healing than the worlds most helpfull medicine.
God's love is helpfull as a pure heart.
God's love is pure, as it was given out of pure love.
And pure love we give back as strong as the souls that he gave us.
Thank You O Lord' for this amazing love that you give us.
by Giovanni Battaglia
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Istanbul, Turkey is in both Asia and Europe.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Saturday July 7, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Gustav Mahler, 1860; George Cukor, 1899; composer
Gian Carlo Menotti, 1911; William Kuntsler, 1919; Pierre Cardin, 1922;
Doc Severinsen, 1927; Ringo Starr, 1940; Jessica Hahn, 1959.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1535 Sir Thomas More was executed. His "utopia"
centered around a mythical island (named Utopia) and was a metaphor for
England. Utopia was filled with creature comforts but lacked individual
freedom. Among other things, More was knighted, became King Henry
VIII's favorite; the royal chancellor's favorite... But his troubles
began and ended when Henry VIII named himself the supreme head of the Church
of England. More feld the king could not rule both church and state.
He was beheaded.
On this date in 1846 Commodore John D. Sloat proclaimed California
for the U.S.
On this date in 1891 the patent was issued for traveler's checks.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Peter Graves is the younger brother of James
Arness... The Lone Ranger's sidekick was Tonto who was played by Jay Silverheels
who was born Harold J. Smith... Before making a name for herself as an
opera star, Beverly Sills was known as Belle "Bubbles" Silverman.
TRIVIA: Let's play "Jeopardy!" He was the show's first
host, appearing on 1,858 shows between 1964 and 1979. And the question
is...?
Spanky McFarland said, "I was stopped once
for going 53 in a 35 mph zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." Sorry
for that one... On with the real stuff!
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB: Computer Humor
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped
a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte
to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: Back In The Day...
Back in the day, I wasn't so confused.
An application was for employment,
and a program was a tv show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
Now they all mean different things,
and that really mega bytes!!!
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for a great poem: PATRIOT
Two centuries ago our nation was born---
To fight to the finish our forefathers had sworn,
And now, over many a patriot's grave
We can sing, "Land of the free and home of the brave".
They gave this heritage to everyone,
Using sword and cannon and musket gun;
Marching o'er fields where blood ran red,
Over the bodies of comrades, dead.
In summer's humid and stifling heat--
Mostly forward and seldom retreat.
In dreaded cold of winter's snow;
Always onward to meet the foe.
In hunger, in thirst, with battle wound,
In agonizing strife, with scarcely a sound
Of complaint o'er the lot of a soldier, brave,
Marching onward into many a grave.
Often weary or fevered and ill,
Lack of clothing against winter's chill,
Lack of munitions, with which to fight,
But, fight they did, with all of their might.
Some gave their wealth but gained their fame,
And, with all who fought, gained a name.
"Patriot!" It rings, as it flies through the land.
"Patriot!" Wonderful name, so grand.
That's right!! They gave for you and me;
Died that America might be free.
Let's vow to keep it that way--you and I.
And, for this great land, be willing to die.
"Patriot!!" Are we worthy of the name?
"Patriot!!" Like those of old, are we the same?
Would we uphold their traditions, true?
I know that I would---would you????
By L. B. Strawn
July 4, 1976
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for one of my favorites: Going To The BC
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite
delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were
planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground
asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't
quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After
much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM
COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being
too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring
to the bathroom commode merely as the BC "Does the campground have it's
own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he
got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for
awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine
what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming
to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist
Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I
now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north
of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit
it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number
of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive
early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics
are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last
time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had
to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old,
it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you
do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the
first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, Campground Owner
*******************************************************
Rounding out the show... here is another good one from LBS:
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the
big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one
another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and
finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After
about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes,
I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Who is Art Fleming?
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday July 8, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Nelson Rockefeller, 1908; drama critic Walter Kerr,
1913; Roone Arlege, 1931; Steve Lawrence, 1935; ballerina Cynthia Gregory,
1946; Angelica Huston, 1951.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1776 the Declaration of Independence was first read
to the public.
On this date in 1835 the Liberty Bell cracked -- again -- while tolling
the death of the first Chief Justice, John Marshall.
On this date in 1885 THE WALL STREET JOURNAL was first published.
On this date in 1896 William Jennings Bryan gave his "cross of gold"
speech, wherein he said, "You shall not press down upon the brow of labor
this crown of thorns; you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold."
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The Rolls Royce Corporation was founded
in 1904 by two Englishmen, Rolls and Royce... The largest production car
ever made was the 1927 Golden Bugatti. It measured 27 feet from bumper
to bumper. Only six of these were ever made and some are still around...
The first person to be arrested for speeding was a New York City cab driver.
On May 20, 1899 Jacob German was arrested for doing a breakneck 12 mph.
TRIVIA: Which state has the most miles of highway and the most
vehicles per square mile?
Nelson Rockefeller, birthday-boy today, said,
"There are three periods in life: youth, middle age and 'how well
you look'." I hope you have a wonderful day!
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB: MATURITY IS UNDER ATTACK!
Have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill, everything seems
uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become.
And that's not all. People are less considerate now, especially the
young ones. They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to
speak up, they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent
message until they're red in the face and exhausted. What do they think
I am, a lip reader?
Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when
I was their age! On the other hand, people my own age are so much older
than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day, and she has aged
so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the
poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in so doing I glanced
at my own reflection . . . REALLY NOW . . . they don't even make mirrors
like they used to!
And everyone drives so fast today . . . you're risking life and limb
if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say
is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech
and swerve in my rearview mirror.
Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,
hips, thighs, and bosom? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so
skimpy these days, (especially around the hips and waist), that it's almost
impossible to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they
used to.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people
think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on.
But the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed
the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: MATURITY IS UNDER ATTACK!
*******************************************************
Thanks to a friend for a special one: "Healed and Whole"
One day I dug a little hole
and put my hurt inside
I thought that I could just forget
I'd put it there to hide.
But that little hurt began to grow
I covered it every day
I couldn't leave it and go on
It seemed the price I had to pay.
My joy was gone, my heart was sad
Pain was all I knew.
My wounded soul enveloped me
Loving seemed too hard to do.
One day, while standing by my hole
I cried to God above
And said, "If You are really there --
They say, You're a God of love!"
And just like that -- He was right there
And just put His arms around me
He wiped my tears, His hurting child
There was no safer place to be.
I told Him all about my hurt
I opened up my heart
He listened to each and every word
To every sordid part.
I dug down deep and got my hurt
I brushed the dirt away
And placed it in the Master's hand
And healing came that day.
He took the blackness of my soul
And set my spirit FREE!
Something beautiful began to grow
Where the hurt used to be.
And when I look at what has grown
Out of my tears and pain
I remember every day to give my hurts to Him
And never bury them again.
--Author Unknown
*******************************************************
Thanks to C. Johnson for this one, via SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL.
To subscribe to this weekly church bulletin, send a note to [email protected]
IS HEAVEN IN THE YELLOW PAGES?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away.
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book?
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.
-- Author Unknown
*******************************************************
From a friend: "Ode to the Spell Checker!"
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
*******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: THE WIND'S NOT ALWAYS AT OUR BACK
The wind's not always at our back,
The sky is not always blue.
Sometimes we crave the things we lack,
And don't know what to do.
Sometimes life's an uphill ride,
With mountains we must climb.
At times the river's deep and wide,
And crossing takes some time.
No one said that life is easy,
There are no guarantees.
So trust the Lord continually,
On calm or stormy seas.
The challenges we face today,
Prepares us for tomorrow.
For faith takes our fears away,
And peace replaces sorrow.
Unknown
*******************************************************
ANSWER: The Garden State -- New Jersey.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday July 9, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Novelist Ann Ward Radcliffe, 1764; Elias Howe, 1819;
James Hampton, 1936; Brian Dennehy, 1938; O. J. Simpson, 1947; Tom Hanks,
1956; Jimmy Smits, 1958.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1872 the patent was issued for the doughnut cutter.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The "K" in "K-Mart" stands for Kresge, from
Sebastian S. Kresge who founded the store in Detroit in 1897... Avon, the
cosmetics giant, got its name because the founder was fond of Shakespeare,
so the company was named after Stratford-on-Avon... Elephants can get flat
feet.
TRIVIA: Think back about 4 decades... A. What comedian
ran for President in 1968? B. What was U Thant's first name?
C. What pitcher had the dubious distinction of serving up Roger Maris'
record breaking 61st? D. What cigarette advertised the slogan "LS/MFT"?
An unknown entity once said, "There is a big
difference between looking cool and not so hot." Probably so.
On with the real material...
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 8 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
(Continue to check your answers) All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years
What do you mean you failed!????
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB: The Declaration of Independence and Abortion
In a segment of ABC’s 4th of July show, the Declaration of Independence
was read in its entirety by about ten Hollywood celebrities, including
Mel Gibson and Michael Douglas.
Prior to its reading, a short history was given. It seems that
Norman Lear, one of the biggest liberal Democrats in Hollywood and the
producer of the TV show “All In The Family,” purchased one of the original
documents for 8 million dollars. He loves the wording of the document
so much that he wants to circulate it around the country, so the words
would be read by all.
I agree, the words are strikingly clear and powerful. They certainly
are words to live by. If only the Supreme Court in 1973 had heeded the
words in the Declaration of Independence, we would NOT be killing unborn
babies. It would be a crime. The vote was 7 to 2. Apparently
those 7 justices on our Supreme Court had never read it and if they had,
they decided to ignore our country's most revered document.
Also a note to Mr. Lear, I don't know if you condone ( pro-choice)
the killing of unborn babies, but if you are the liberal Democrat that
the Media portends, you as most of the rest of the Hollywood community
have no problem with the killing of 1.4 million unborn babies every year,
even while they're being born and suffer excruciating pain. (partial-birth
infanticide)
If you and the 10 readers of the Declaration of Independence and the
entire Hollywood community and all Democrats REALLY BELIEVED every word
of the Document and you insist they are words to live by, then welcome
to the club. You are now pro-life.
Let me refresh your memory with the most often quoted phrase: We hold
these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they
are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among
these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Notice Mr. Lear and all people who think that a woman should have the
right to have her unborn baby killed if she so chooses. It says that
all men are CREATED EQUAL. Now, let that sink in. It does NOT
say BORN EQUAL.
It would appear that our founding fathers wrote the Declaration to
be unequivocal. That there would be no misunderstanding. It
would be clear and unambiguous. And so it was. The creation of a
human being takes place when the sperm from the males fertilizes the ovum
(egg) of the female. This fact CANNOT be disputed by ANYONE.
All biologists and all scientists would agree.
This being the case, the legal killing of unborn babies is in direct
violation of the Declaration of Independence and a slap in the face to
our founding fathers and all people who died in the Revolutionary War,
so that we would have our freedom.
It would have been easier to say that “all men are BORN equal.”
As a matter of fact when the situation arises it is the word “BORN” that
is most often used. When were you born? Not, when were you created?
Knowingly and in a simple turn of a phrase, our founding fathers included
UNBORN BABIES as endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Also note, that at one time ours was a Godly country, unless you Democrats
think that our Creator was someone other than God. As you know, the
word “GOD," was used in other segments of the Declaration. Yes, God
at one time was part of our Country. Now, thanks to the liberal Democrats,
His name can't even be mentioned in our schools and we are the worse for
it. Children don't know right from wrong and are killing each other.
Human life is cheap. Why not? We have mocked the Declaration
of Independence and killed over 41 million unborn and 3/4th born babies
since that infamous and terribly flawed decision in 1973. If the
case is reopened and the Declaration if Independence introduced as evidence
and the 7 Justices saying in 1973, that no one knows when human life begins,
it boggles the mind why some pro-life lawyers don't find a way to get this
case back to the Supreme Court.
With our modern technology, we now DO KNOW when human life begins.
We know when the heart starts beating and when brain waves start and the
extremities form and when pain is perceived and a lot more.
I don't know if the Declaration of Independence was introduced in 1973,
(Roe Vs Wade) in which permission was granted to have your unborn child
killed. I do not think so. But I do know that the case SHOULD
be revisited and if the words of our founding fathers are not heeded, then
the Justices would just be playing politics and should be dismissed. If
they are not dismissed, then the Declaration of Independence is NOT worth
the paper it's written on and certainly NOT 8 million dollars.
Frank Joseph MD [email protected]
*******************************************************
ANSWER: A. Pat Paulsen; B. He had none. "U" is a Burmesehonorific;
C. Tracy Stallard of the Red Sox; D. Luck Strike Means Fine Tobacco.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Tuesday July 10, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Painter James Whistler, 1834; Marcel Proust, 1871;
Saul Bellow, 1915; David Brinkley, 1920; Fred Gwynne, 1926; Jerry Herman,
1933; Arthur Ashe, 1943; Arlo Guthrie, 1947; Andre Dawson, 1954; Roger
Craig, 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1509 John Calvin was born.
On this date in 1942 the Allies invaded Sicily.
On this date in 1958 the world's heaviest man, Robert Earl Hughes of
Monticello, Illinois passed away. Weighing approximately a half ton,
he was buried in a piano case.
On this date in 1991 Boris N. Yeltsin took the oath of office as the
first elected President of the Russian Republic.
On this date in 1991 President George Bush lifted economic sanctions
against South Africa.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Ketchup was originally a Chinese medicine...
2.8 million pieces of airline luggage are misrouted every year... The average
American laughs fifteen times a day (although subscribers to this list
laugh a little more...).
TRIVIA: Which Ohio town doesn't belong in the following list,
and why? (Hint: "A man a plan a canal, Panama!") A - Ada; B
- Akron; C - Anna; D - Ava.
David Brenner (somewhat irreverently) said,
"I think God invented rain to give dead people something to complain about."
Anyway, on with the real material.
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: A TALE OF TWO COWS
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides
you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you
the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the
drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce
the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point
that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
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Another great poem from LBS: TWO LITTLE BEES
Two little bees sittin’ side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried,
"You don't love me any more", said she,
"You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see
Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true;
But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow
So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin',
So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak,
"Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak,
If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth,
Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids;
Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds,
So, keep your cool and don't get so ired,
'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human,
I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey,
Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings
To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true;
There ain't nobody else for me but you,
So, have some patience, don't be suspicious,
Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply,
"I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin',
And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good
And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'---
I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow,
Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please,
'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
By L. B. Strawn
October 17 & 18 and November 7, 1992
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Thanks for another one from LBS: Things You Would Never Know
Without Movies --Part I
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable,
even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their
predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert
on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the
age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or
two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies
using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws
and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club
at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits
of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one
bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving
or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run
and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel
to any other part of the building without difficulty.
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ANSWER: B - The other towns are all palindromes (words that read
the same backward and forward). Wow!
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Good Morning: It's Wednesday July 11, 2001!
Today is World Population Day.
BIRTHDAYS: John Quincy Adams, 1767; Thomas Mitchell, 1892; Yul
Brynner, 1920; Tab Hunter, 1931; Debbie Harry, 1945; Bonnie Pointer, 1951;
Leon Spinks, 1953.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1804 Alexander Hamilton and Vice President Aaron Burr
held their duel. Hamilton missed... Burr didn't.
On this date in 1896 Sir Wilfrid Laurier became the first French Canadian
Prime Minister of Canada and opened up the Canadian Prairies to immigration.
On this date in 1899 E.B. White was born. He was a reporter for
The Seattle Times, a writer for The New Yorker and Harper's magazines,
and author of several books.
On this date in 1979 Chicken Little was proven correct as the abandoned
SKYLAB space station burned up in the atmosphere and showered debris over
the Indian Ocean and Australia.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Your nose and ears never stop growing... Dr.
Seuss coined the term "nerd"... Greer Garson delivered the longest acceptance
speech ever in the history of the Academy Awards when she won the Oscar
for Best Actress in "Mrs. Miniver". Her speech lasted 30 minutes.
TRIVIA: Which is taller, St. Louis' Gateway Arch or the Washington
Monument in Washington, D.C.?
Yul Brynner said, "When I am dead and buried,
on my tombstone I would like to have it written, "I have arrived."
Because when you feel that you have arrived, you are dead." On to
the more lighthearted stuff...
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Thanks to LBS: The Devil's Masterplan
Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his
evil angels, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church.
We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We
can't even keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience
in Christ. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them
is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them
have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't
gain that relationship with Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do,
angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining
that vital connection throughout their day!"
"How shall we do this?" shouted his angels. "Keep them busy in the
nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds,"
he answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.
Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work
6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles.
Keep them from spending time with their children.
As their family fragments, soon, their home will offer no escape from
the pressures of work! Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear
that still, small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player
whenever they drive. To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly
in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world
plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break
that union with Christ.
Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds
with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards.
Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes,
and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services
and false hopes.
Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines so their husbands will
believe that external beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied
with their wives. That will fragment those families quickly!
Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from
their recreation exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week.
Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them
to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead. Keep
them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve
them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences
and unsettled emotions. Go ahead, let them be involved in soul winning;
but crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek
power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing
their health and family for the good of the cause.
It will work! It will work!" It was quite a convention. The evil angels
went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get
more busy and more rushed, going here and there.
I guess the question is: Has the devil been successful at his scheme?
You be the judge! Does "busy" mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?
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From my bulletin, the ENON ENDEAVOR (to subscribe free of charge, email
[email protected] or [email protected] and request the Enon Endeavor):
Testing Your Bible Knowledge
The following questions will help to test our knowledge of Old
Testament characters and events as well as remind us of things about which
we may have forgotten. I hope you enjoy it! Who Am I? (Each numbered
statement contains a "clue" to the identity of the person whose name correctly
answers the question of the title of this section, "Who am I?" Fill in
the blank with the appropriate name.)
1) I bore Jacob 6 sons, Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun. ________________________
2) I bore Jacob 2 sons, Joseph and Benjamin. _________
3) I bore Jacob 2 sons, Dan and Naphtali. ________
4) I bore Jacob 2 sons, Gad and Asher. _______________
5) I had to flee Egypt after killing a local for mistreating a Hebrew slave. _________
6) I was ordered by God to leave my homeland, Ur, and go to a land He would show me. _________________
7) I was carried to Heaven in a chariot. ___________
8) Elijah's mantle fell on me at his departure. ______
9) I hid the spies sent forth to see the land of Canaan by Joshua and was later spared from harm in the invasion of the Israelites to claim the Promised Land. ________
10) I was queen of Persia. My husband ordered me to appear before his guests in a way with which I was uncomfortable. My husband divorced me and sought one to replace me. _______________________________
11) I was a Hittite put to death by King David because he committed adultery with my wife. _______________
12) I was king over a vast Persian empire. I divorced my first wife and then married Esther, the Jewish adopted daughter of Mordecai. _________________________
13) I led a group of fellow Levites in a rebellion against Moses and Aaron. God punished me by burying and burning me alive. ____________________________
14) I hid 100 priests of God in a cave to keep Jezebel from killing them on one occasion, and on another occasion I took a message from Elijah to Ahab. _______
15) Jezebel falsely accused me of blasphemy and as a result I was taken
outside the city and stoned to death. The root of the trouble was
a vineyard that I owned and she desired for her husband. ___________
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Answers:
1) Leah
2) Rachel
3) Bilhah
4) Zilpah
5) Moses
6) Abraham
7) Elijah
8) Elisha
9) Rahab
10) Vashti
11) Uriah
12) Xerxes I
13) Korah
14) Obadiah (I Kgs 18)
15) Naboth
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ANSWER: The Gateway Arch, at 630 feet, is 75 feet taller than
the Washington Monument.
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