Good Morning:  It's Thursday June 7, 2001!
Today is Boone Day in Kentucky, the date that Daniel Boone first "discovered" the state.
Today is also Freedom of the Press Day, originated by the Inter-American Press Association.
BIRTHDAYS:  Beau Brummel, 1778; Paul Gauguin, 1848; Jessica Tandy, 1909; poet Gwendolyn Brooke, 1917; Tom Jones, 1940; Prince, 1958.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1494 Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas, agreeing to divide the new World between them.
On this date in 1776 Richard Henry Lee, a representative to the Continental Congress, submitted a formal resolution from his colony of Virginia, proclaiming that the United Colonies "are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states."  The resolution led to the appointment of a committee to draft the Declaration of Independence.
On this date in 1841 Henry D. Thoreau wrote, "Man stands to revere, he kneels to pray."
On this date in 1892 the practice of using pinch hitters in baseball began.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Maine is the only state surrounded on three sides by another country... At Four Corners you can walk in Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico within a few seconds... There are 132 islands that make up Hawaii, spread out over 1,500 square miles.
TRIVIA:  What's next in this sequence:  L, C, CC, CD, _____?
     An anonymous quote for all those looking to hire someone:  "Never hire anybody whose resume rhymes."  And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
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From a friend:  Coo Coo
In the trenches of the First World War a load of troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon.
They see the pigeon approaching with a message and then the pigeon falls from the sky.
The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".
Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks Paddy is dead.
Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and everyone cheers for his safe return.
The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "What was the message?"
Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"
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From a friend:  Toasters
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, could be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
If Micro$oft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
And ... If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
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Some from a friend:
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
***
"Dolphin-safe tuna, that's great if you're a dolphin. What if you're a tuna? Somewhere there's a tuna flopping around on a ship going, 'What about me? I'm not cute enough for you?'" -Drew Carey
***
The couple was standing staring at one of the more expensive models in the auto showroom.  A salesman sensing their debate over the price moved in and said, "This model is priced just over the car which is priced a few dollars above the car which costs no more than some models of the lowest priced cars."
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ANSWER:  DCCC -- The letters are Roman numerals.  L = 50, C = 100, CC = 200, CD = 400, DCCC = 800.
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Good Morning:  It's Friday June 8, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Frank Lloyd Wright, 1867; Alexis Smith, 1921; Barbara Bush, 1925; Jerry Stiller, 1929; James Darren, 1936; Joan Rivers, 1937; Nancy Sinatra, 1940; Don Grady, 1944; author Sara Paretsky, 1947.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1869 the housekeeper's friend, I. W. McGaffey, received his patent for the first vacuum cleaner.
On this date in 1905, at the urging of President Theodore Roosevelt, Russian and Japanese delegates met at the U.S. Navy Yard in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in a bid to settle the Russo-Japanese War.  Within two months the war ended with the signing of the Treaty of Portsmouth.  Roosevelt was awarded the 1906 Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the settlement.
On this date in 1959 the U.S. Postal service delivered the mail by missile.  Officials gathered in Mayport, FL to view the launching of a guided missile containing 3,000 letters from the U.S.S. Barbero.  It didn't work.
On this date in 1964 Former President Dwight D. Eisenhower addressed the National Governors Conference, calling for better self-government.  In his speech he said:  "Our best protection against bigger government in Washington is better government in the states."
On this date in 1965 U.S. forcer were authorized to go into combat in South Vietnam.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Shrapnel shells were invented way back in 1784 by Great Britain's Henry Shrapnel... Louis Pasteur was so obsessive about germs that he refused to shake hands with people... In the Philippine jungles the yo-yo was first used as a weapon.
TRIVIA:  Which grows faster, your fingernails or toenails?
     Here is a Lenny Bruce quote that may be a bit below our age level:  "When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business."
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From a friend:  Columbus
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."
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From a friend:  Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
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Some from a friend:
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This policeman comes up to me. He has this great big helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that you look like one of the Village People?'"  --Rita Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and science test scores of American students. We bombed in history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY, right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
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From a friend:   THE ACCIDENT AND THE PROFESSOR
George Smyth was the dean at Midwestern University. One day he was asked to give a talk to the new staff and teachers at MU.
After a long while he decided on a seminar on Louis Dellingtom Quincy, a distinguished Professor of Economics that put MU on the map.
Every year in January, economists came from all over the world to hear his discussions of how the business world looks for the new year. They hung on every word and his forecasts were top news in all the financial papers. Now Dean Smyth's lecture was not about professor Quincy, but about a single accident which caused his downfall. It was also about teaching methods and -- most of all the fate of this man who was one day on top of the world and a helpless wreck the next.
When the group had gathered, Dean Smyth told his story. It was the tale of a man who had his way with words and the terms of economics. Quincy had one of those deep voices that instills trust in his words. But it was also the saga of a man who was proud. He had some human failings. Professor Quincy loved fast cars! Every year he bought the most powerful car he could buy. He drove like the wind on the back roads of the county and this made him feel alive!
He always got a good deal on his automobiles because the manufacturers knew that if he bought their model, the word would get out to the business world and their stock would go steadily up.
Remember that I said that he was vain? Well, he liked all the best of things, and when a leading Swiss make of fine watches asked his permission to bring out a new model, the Quincy -- he leapt at the opportunity. When the first watch left the factory, the manufacturer made a fuss about presenting it to the professor. And, like the cars, as soon as this information hit the Wall Street Journal, the company's stock hit the roof!
The next day, a beautiful day in early June, the professor took a ride out in the country, with his new car and his fine new watch. The day was perfect! Clear blue sky with puffy clouds and the temperature low enough that he could ride with his window wide open. Riding there, with the wind in his gray hair and the sun glinting off of his new watch, that was surely as close to heaven that one could get on earth.
Up ahead, there was an old tractor lumbering along the narrow lane. Professor Quincy hit the horn and the farmer pulled over as far as he could on the left shoulder and, waving a silent "thank you," Quincy whizzed by in a cloud of dust. It may be that the gods looked down and felt that this gray old man was too cocky. It also could have been that the professor's eyes we showing their age. But, no matter what it was, Quincy's left arm was caught on a spike on the tractor and was ripped right off!
And that was the end of the wonderful career of Economics Professor Louis Dellington Quincy. But, wait! I didn't mean to imply that Quincy died in that accident. It was much worse! He lived on for many years, but without the glory of his professorship. That, like his arm, was gone for good. After he left the hospital and recuperated, he went back to his lectures, but they were flat and without the insight and the deep wisdom of his earlier years. You see, his most powerful arguments were gone, because he could no
longer use the most important lecture tool that all economists take for granted -- he could no longer balance his statements with, "but on the other hand..."
Oh yes! He lost his watch, too. (By Lee Daniel Quinn)
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ANSWER:  Thumbs up for your fingernails.  They grow about an inch a year, four times faster than your toenails.
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Good Morning:  It's Saturday June 9, 2001!
Special Enon Birthday:  Happy Birthday to Georgia Brackin!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Cole Porter, 1893; Fred Warring, 1900; Robert McNamara, 1916; Les Paul, 1916; Marvin Kalb, 1930; Jackie Mason, 1934; David Gene Parker, 1951; Michael J. Fox, 1961; Wayman Tisdale, 1964.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1864 Abraham Lincoln remarked, while campaigning for reelection during the Civil War:  "It is best not to swap horses while crossing the river."  The Republicans adopted it as a slogan, warning of the dangers of changing commander-in-chief with the war raging.  "Don't swap horses mid-stream" became a standard slogan for incumbents seeking reelection in trying times.
On this date in 1869 Philadelphia drugstore owner, Charles Hires, peddled the first root beer.
On this date in 1935 the fabulous, 700-plus-carat Jonkers Diamone was safely transported across the Atlantic.  It was mailed from England to the United States for thirty-five cents postage.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Donald Duck's nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louis, have no father... Ruth G. Wakefield invented the chocolate chip cookie in 1930... Caesar salad has nothing to do with the rulers of Rome.  It was first made in a Tijuaha bar in the 1920's.
TRIVIA:  Take a look at the list of birthdays and pick out the celebrity who was also an inventor.
     Here is a good question from Steven Wright:  "What's another word for thesaurus?"  Don't think too hard, just read these...
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Here is a Gradowith Poem:  How He Could Love Me?
 
Often I wonder how He could love me,
I am not worthy of His precious blood.
Still in His mercy He beckons to me:
Come sinner be washed in the crimson flood.

He sees my weakness and He knows my sin,
Nothing is missed by His all-seeing eye;
Despised and rejected by sinful men:
Still, Jesus loves us though we know not why.

Ev'ry temptation He faced and o'ercame,
Shielded from nothing this world sent His way;
Faithfully for us enduring the shame:
Jesus' love bids us come without delay.

No greater love hath any man here known,
No greater price for us could e'er be paid;
Won't you let Jesus now make you His own?
Then you can face death and not be afraid!

Though others offer you freedom and rest,
Preaching their sermons of some 'other way' --
Yield not to temptation if you'd be blest:
Only He can save you come Judgment Day.
 
H. L. Gradowith                         10-26-2000
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Thanks to AB:  THINK LIKE A TREE HUGGER.
 
We're building a fence for the Seagulls,
And we've given the Turtles their land.
The bugs are all safe in the desert,
And nobody's disturbing their sand.
We've protected the high flying Eagle,
It's a crime if you bother a Whale.
And if you should bother the wilderness land,
There's a good chance you'll end up in jail.
For somehow, somewhere, there's a balance,
And this balance must be maintained.
So to this end all men must be shackled.
And in one small space be contained.
Whatever resources we have should be left there,
The balance should not be upset.
For if we drill for oil, or dig up some coal,
Some terrible problems we'll get.
Well it's great that we've got a big brother,
To take care of the creatures for us.,
And stamp out the horrible humans,
Who always keep making a fuss.
The ones who keep crying for some place to live,
Or a place for their children to play.
Don't they know that the balance we must keep maintained,
And that people should just fade away.
 
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats:  (No offence intended, it is just humor).  Change
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.
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Thanks to a friend:  The Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
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Thanks to chaos for an old favorite:
 
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
       Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
       Tame Way
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
       They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
        Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
        A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
        Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
        Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
        Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
        Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
        Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
        A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
        Because They Have Big Fingers.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
        Anyone can roast beef.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
        Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
        Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
        The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
         An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
         Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
 
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ANSWER:  Band leader Fred Waring also dabbled in tinkering and, in fact, invented the Waring Blender.
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Good Morning:  It's Sunday June 10, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Hattie McDaniel, 1889; Prince Philip, 1921; Judy Garland, 1922; Maurice Sendak, 1928; F. Lee Bailey, 1933; author Jeff Greenfield, 1943.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1935 Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in New York City by "Doctor Bob" Smith and William G. Wilson.
On this date in 1940 Italy, led by Mussolini and at the encouragement of Hitler, attacked France.
On this date in 1942 Lidice, Czechoslovakia was wiped out after Gestapo leader Reinhard Heydrich was killed.
On this date in 1946 Mussolini was overthrown and Italy became a Republic.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The second most popular Father's Day gift is shaving lotion.  We think you know what's first... The average American has a 10,000 word vocabulary... A chicken is the only animal that is eaten before it is born and after it is dead.
TRIVIA:  In which appropriately named section of New York City was the first "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" commercial filmed?
     Here is a Judy Garland quote to start our Sunday off in the right direction, maybe... "I've never looked through a keyhole without finding someone was looking back."  Think it over.  Have a nice day!  Tim
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Thanks to a friend:  When will your tax refund check be mailed?  See below --
This is a piece of information about the new tax bill that President Bush signed.  If you filed taxes you will get a tax rebate check. Every taxpayer will receive a mailed letter, giving them the information about their check. The maximum amount of the payments will be $300 for single filers, $500 for head of household and $600 for married filing jointly.  Payment will be made by your last two digits in your SSN.
Schedule for payment as follows:
 
00-08    July 23
09-17    July 30
18-26    August 6
27-35    August 13
36-43    August 20
44-51    August 27
52-59    September 3
60-67    September 10
68-75    September 17
76-83    September 24
84-91    October 1
92-99    October 8
 
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Thanks to AB:  Daffynitions
 
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\:  Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
 
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A cute one from LBS:   SICK COM POOTER
 
Mah com pooter was com pootin’
But mah printer’s, they wuz knot.
Wit mah sixgun, ah wuz shootin’
But nary uh bullet hit tha spot.
So mah son brought hiz sixshooter
fer tuh see whut he cud dew.
But hit becum a mean dis pooter,
Witch left us both in uh stew.
                        L.B.Strawn June 8, 2001
But he tooked hit hom wit hem
Sew he cud wurk in hiz spair tyme.
Elevun viruses he had tuh stem,
Plus uther thangs tuh make hit rhyme.
Well, ah fin’ly got hit back
Sew ah ken rite tuh awl mah friends.
Fer uh lotta days there’s bin uh lack
Uv tha circle that never ends.
 
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Thanks to PW:  Good System
When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it. No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the work. Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that.
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From a friend:  Speeding Farmer
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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From a friend:
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
*** "As long as I have a cool TV, I might as well live in a cave. In fact, I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television -- the ultimate stereo cabinet." -Drew Carey
*** "My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike..." -Jonathan Katz
**** I had been planning this date with the most popular girl in school for a month. I had concert tickets, dinner reservations and my dad had given me the keys to his new car. Nothing could go wrong. When I was about to leave, my mother stopped me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work. I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date. I immediately refused telling her it was impossible for me to do that. My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsibility? She's family!"
"It's not that," I answered, "I just can't be a brother and assist her."
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ANSWER:  In Flushing, of course -- Mr. Whipple, one of the longest running commercial characters on television, was played by Dick Wilson.
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Good Morning:  It's Monday June 11, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Poet Ben Johnson, 1572; composer Richard Strauss, 1864; Jeannette Rankin, 1880; Jacques Cousteau, 1910; author William Styron, 1925; Chad Everett, 1936; Jackie Stewart, 1939; Gene Wilder, 1939; Adrienne Barbeau, 1945; Joe Montana, 1956.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1770 explorer Captain Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia -- the hard way -- he crashed into it.
On this date in 1937 Stalin's great Soviet "purge" ended.  After a secret military trial, Marshal Tukhachevski and seven other high-ranking officers were convicted of conspiring with the Germans and sentenced to death.  They were shot the next day.  Earlier in the year 13 civilian leaders who had fallen out of favor with Soviet Premier Stalin had been convicted and executed.
On this date in 1950 golfer Ben Hogan won the U.S. Open Golf Championship after having been seriously injured in a car accident the year before.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A snake can hear with its tongue... During the Korean War, baseball's Cincinnati Reds changed their name to the Redlegs for political reasons... The "Hollywood" sign in California was originally "Hollywoodland" but the last four letters fell down during World War II.
TRIVIA:  If H is hydrogen and I is iodine and O is oxygen and Ag is silver, how do you pronounce HIOAg?
     Here is a Stan Laurel quote to get our Monday morning up and running:  "Remember, if you save nothing, you can't take it with you."  Have a nice day!
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From a friend:
Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the same student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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From a friend:  The Insult
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." .
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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From a friend:  Rome
Mrs. Taylor asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.
"Rome was built at night." was his answer.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands.  "How ever did you get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
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From a friend:  Blonde Counsellor
A blonde studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear.
After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it.
She replied, "It's for confidentiality."
"Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor.
"Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained, "I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."
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A favorite from a friend:  Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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From a friend:  FEMININE LANGUAGE (A must-read for all men.)  Keywords and their meanings:
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):  This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will  get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few  minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a  verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over  "Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft  Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!: This exclaimation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that".  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."  If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow  "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks".  A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
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ANSWER:  No chemistry knowledge is needed for this one, right?  It's "Hi-O Silver!"...
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Good Morning:  It's Tuesday June 12, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:Anthony Eden, 1897; David Rockefeller, 1915; George Bush (Sr.), 1924; Vic Damone, 1928; Jim Nabors, 1932; Chick Corea, 1941; Marv Albert, 1943.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1775 the Second Continental Congress, in a unanimous vote, named Virginia delegate George Washington general and commander-in-chief of its army.  Washington accepts, modestly telling his fellow delegates:  "I beg it may be remembered...that I this day declare with utmost sincerity I do not think myself equal to the command I am honored with."
On this date in 1776 the Virginia Convention adopted a Declaration of Rights, largely written by George Mason.  In this declaration, we see the following:  Article One:  "That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights... the enjoyment of life and liberty... and pursuing and obtaining happiness."  Article Two:  "That all power is... derived from the people."  It went on to make other good points as well, like insistence on freedom of the press and freedom of worship.  It is safe to say that this had a tremendous influence on a later document.
On this date in 1939 the National Baseball Hall of Fame was dedicated in Cooperstown, NY.
On this date in 1943 the Alcan Highway, linking our northernmost state (Alaska) to points south, opened to traffic.
On this date in 1979 an adventurer named Bryan Allen flew the first viable man-powered aircraft across the English Channel.  The twenty-six-year-old cyclist braved the piercing winds and cold in the GOSSAMER ALBATROSS to prove that gas engines weren't a necessity to air travel.
On this date in 1991 the Chicago Bulls won their first NBA title.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Trumpeter Herb Alpert played taps for military funerals... George Bush, Sr., at eighteen, was the youngest navy pilot of WWII... Football historians claim the quarterback's exclamation of "hut" for the snap stems from Army drills where the drill sergeant would count off "Hut-2-3-4".
TRIVIA:  What is the plural for graffiti?
     Here is an anonymous quote to get us going:  "Paying taxes to the government is feeding the hand that bites you."  Uh-hmm.  On with the show...
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Thanks to LBS:
Dear Lord:
 
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.

God bless my mom and dad,
And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord'.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits send.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who've said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.
 
Amen.
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From a preacher, no less:  GET BEHIND ME SATAN!
The poor country preacher was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
“I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the preacher persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
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A poem by H. L. Gradowith.  To subscribe free of charge to the Gradowith Poem mailing list, which receives each new poem as it is written, visit http://gradowith.listbot.com
..........I Can't Express..........
 
With pen and ink I can't express
     The joy of being free,
Nor can my feeble lips confess
     Just what he means to me.
And yet with pen and ink I try
     His glory to declare,
And till the day I come to die
     His glory I will share.
But, how does one express such grace
     That paid the price for sin?
What words describe the wondrous place
     Prepared for faithful men?
I can't explain what made Him leave
     His home with God above,
I can His Word but now believe
     Rejoicing in His love.
I think back on the bitter tears
     The blessed Savior shed,
And all the many wasted years
     When I by sin was led;
Yet still His blood pays all the cost
     And gives me life anew;
That now is found which once was lost:
     Because He paid my dues.
How such a song can my lips sing?
     Tis far too grand for me.
I just praise Him in ev'rything
     The Christ of Calvary!
His thoughts are higher than my own,
     And His ways than my ways;
He alone knows all that is known,
     Great King!  Ancient of days.
What words can describe such power
     As parted the Red Sea?
In His presence demons cower
     And from Him devils flee.
I simply cannot now express
     All that He means to me,
In awe I humbly now confess:
     He's ev'rything to me.
 
..........H. L. Gradowith..........
06-10-01
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From a friend (who doesn't seem to like Country Music).
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
 
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
 
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ANSWER:  Actually, "graffiti" is the plural, the singular is "Graffito".
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Good Morning:  It's Wednesday June 13, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  William Butler Yeats, 1865; Basil Rathbone, 1892; Red Grange, 1904; Paul Lynde, 1926; artist Christo, 1935; Richard Thomas, 1951; Ally Sheedy, 1962; Saurnas Marciulionis, 1964.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 323 BC Alexander the Great, with no more worlds to conquer, died.  He felt that he had done it all, overtaking Persia and portions of India as well as establishing settlements along the way.  However, while he was in Babylon, plotting his next conquest, he fell ill after a banquet and subsequently died of a fever.
On this date in 1898 the Yukon Territory entered into the confederation of Canada.
On this date in 1927 New York threw a massive ticker tape parade for Charles Lindbergh in honor of his pioneering solo flight across the Atlantic.  The 25-year-old aviator arrived in New York Harbor for the festivities in an amphibious plane and was greeted by firecrackers, tugboat and factory whistles, and cheers --as planes dropped flowers from the sky, skywriters spelled out his name, and a flag was hoisted and displayed from the Statue of Liberty's right hand.
On this date in 1944 missiles were first used in warfare.
On this date in 1962 another air traveler, John Glenn, had the second biggest ticker-tape turnout.
On this date in 1966 the U.S. Supreme Court issued the miranda decision.  The decision stated:  If you are arrested for a crime, you have the right to remain silent and not make any statement at all; any statement you make may and probably will be used against you in a court of law;  you have the right to have a lawyer present to advise you either prior to any questioning or during any questioning; if you are unable to hire a lawyer, you have the right to have a lawyer appointed to counsel you prior to or during any questioning; and you have the right to terminate the interview at any time.
On this date in 1967, Thurgood Marshall, the first African-American Supreme Court Justice, was nominated by President Lyndon B. Johnson.
On this date in 1979 President Jimmy Carter proposed a superfund to clean up hazardus waste.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Casanova was a novel lover who ended his life as a librarian... Booker T. Washington was nicknamed "Booker" because of his love for books... Winnie-the-Pooh creator A.A. Milne's initials stand for Alan Alexander.
TRIVIA:  Who invented the bowie knife?
     A great thinker once said, "The other day I bought a wastebasket and carried it home in a paper bag.  And when I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket!"  (Lily Tomlin)  I guess what goes around comes around...
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Thanks to PW for one too funny not to share:
A young brunette went into the doctor's office and told him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams; pushes on her ankle and screams. .....and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.
The doctor said, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."
She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.  I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW for another funny one:
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
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From a friend:  Nice Quotes
"Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth." - Portuguese Proverb
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." - Plato
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Some from a friend:
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " --Charlie Brown
***
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A.Whitney Brown (American Humorist)
***
A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well.
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!"
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A favorite from a friend:  It's Great to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and artillery.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me".
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  If you said Jim Bowie, you deserve credit for taking a stab at it.  In fact, the inventor was Jim's brother, Rezin Pleasant Bowie.
*******************************************************

Good Morning:  It's Thursday June 14, 2001!
Today is Flag Day -- the anniversary of the day we adopted the Stars and Stripes as our national banner.  Since 1777 the Stars and Stripes have waved over the land of the free and the home of the brave!!!
BIRTHDAYS:  Harriet Beecher Stowe, 1811; Alois Alzheimer, 1864; Burl Ives, 1909; Dorothy McGuire, 1918; Donald Trump, 1946; Eddie Mekka, 1952; Eric Heiden, 1958; Boy Geroge, 1961; Steffi Graf, 1969.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1775 the U.S. Army was founded when the Continental Congress in Philadelphia authorized the recruitment of ten companies of riflemen to serve for one year.  There is an old Army  adage:  If it moves salute it, if it doesn't move, paint it.
On this date in 1951 Univac, the world's first commercial computer, was demonstrated in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
On this date in 1953 President Dwight D. Eisenhower spoke at Dartmouth College, saying:  "Don't join the book burners...don't think you are going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed."
On this date in 1982 Argentine forces surrendered the Falkland Islands.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Burl Ives full name is Burl Icle Ivanhoe Ives... John Greenwood was the dentist who made George Washington's false teeth... The Alaskan flag was designed by a thirteen-year-old student who won an American Legion contest.
TRIVIA:  What do Cary Middlecoff, Paul Revere, Zane Grey, Casey Stengel and Edgar Buchanan have in common?
     Here is a real thought-provoker:  "If a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind, what is indicated by an empty desk?"  (Anonymous)  Have a nice Thursday!
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From a friend:
When a farmer in Kansas discovered his large barn with horses and equipment was on fire, he quickly called for the fire departments in surrounding townships to help put out the fire.
Several fire departments arrived on the scene and were doing all they could to rescue the horses, equipment, and douse the fire--to no avail.  The farmer suddenly noticed an old, beat-up looking fire truck at the end of the lane with the words "Wildcat Fire Department" on the side.  "Oh," he pleaded, "please help me.  If you don't I'm afraid I will lose my barn and everything in it." The fire chief said they would do their best to help.
With that, the fire truck went sailing full speed, right into the middle of the barn where the fire was raging.  The men jumped off the truck.  Some grabbed hoses and began trying to douse the fire with water, and some took off their protective coats and beat the flames.  Finally, they had the fire out.  They straggled out of the barn with blackened faces and singed hair, coughing and gasping for air.
The grateful farmer ran up to them his face beaming.  "Oh, I am so happy you saved my barn.  I won't be in financial ruin now.  Because you have saved my barn and horses and equipment, I want to give you $1,000.  Tell me, what will you buy with the money?"
The fire chief responded, "Well, the first thing we want to buy are new brakes for our truck!"
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Funny Quotes etc. from Clean Laffs:
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." --Marty Feldman
***
"I took up meditation. I like to have an espresso first just to make it more challenging." -Betsy Salkind
***
"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?" -Christy Murphy
***
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said.  "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
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From a friend:  The Monastery Dinner
Lost on a rainy night, a nun comes upon a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she'd ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by of the two Brothers,
"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," said the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted," she continued. "Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid, I'm the chip monk."
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From Stan Kegel:  Punctuation
Dear John:
        I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?  Gloria
Dear John:
        I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?  Yours, Gloria
*******************************************************
From a friend:  The Butcher
Over the weekend, I paid a visit to Bristol Farms, our local gourmet food store. I go there a lot, but the prices are so high I rarely buy much.
While I was looking for a particular spice, I ran across a neighbor. She was rather upset and complaining about some sausages she bought.
She said, "Rodney, I bought these handmade sausages yesterday and would you belive that at the ends, there was nothing but cornmeal?"
"Well you know, sometimes they do make mistakes." I said. "I know the butcher, let me talk to him. I'll get this taken care of for you."
She followed me to the meat counter where I spotted the butcher. I gave him a wave and he came over and said, "Hello Rodney. What can I get for you? An eighth pound of Filet Migon? A sixteenth of a pound prime rib?"
"No nothing for me today, I'm here to help my friend here. She bought these sausages yesterday. Instead of being all meat, the ends are nothing but cornmeal!"
"Well you know how it is," he said. "It's difficult these days to make both ends meat!"
*******************************************************
From a friend:  Mother's Helper
Little Susan was mother's helper.
She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.  Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.  Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
*******************************************************
ANSWER:  All their careers, at one time or another, were looking down in the mouth -- that is, they were dentists.
*******************************************************

Good Morning:  It's Friday June 15, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Edvard Grieg, 1843; Mario Cuomo, 1932; Waylon Jennings, 1937; Jim Belushi, 1954; Wade Boggs, 1958; Helen Hunt, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1251 King John I of England signed the Magna Carta.  The last article of the document read:  "...that the men in our kingdom shall have and hold all the aforesaid liberties, rights, and concessions well and peacefully."  He wasn't too happy about the matter, but he did it anyway.
On this date in 1381 a bloody peasant revolt against the poll tax ended.  For three days, peasants descended upon the city of London to protest the poll tax.  King Richard II had imposed a one-shilling levy on every person over fourteen years of age.  It was the third tax leveled on the common people in four years.  It took no account for each individual's means or circumstances.  The overtaxed public went on a rampage.  The rioting ended when the king himself rode into the angry crowd, revoked the tax, and promised to abolish serfdom.
On this date in 1648 Margaret Jones became the first person executed in Massachusetts for witchcraft.
On this date in 1752 Ben Franklin flew a kite in a thunderstorm and discovered that lightning is electricity.
On this date in 1844 Vulcanized rubber was patented.
On this date in 1860 the first settlers arrived in Idaho.
On this date in 1907 the Second International Peace Conference, in The Hague, Netherlands, convened.
On this date in 1909 the cork-centered baseball was patented.
On this date in 1911 Pioneer Day was declared a state holiday in Idaho.
On this date in 1913 New Yorker Carrie Chapman-Catt opened the first Women's Suffrage Congress.
On this date in 1925 a New York City ordinance requiring cab drivers to wear white collars on the job went into effect.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The longest street in the United States is Figueroa Street in Los Angeles.  It runs for thirty miles throughout the city... The longest place name in the United States is also the longest name of a lake in the world -- Lake Chargogagogmanchaugagogchaubunagamaug... The longest kiss in movie history occurred in the 1940 release of "You're in the Army now" when Regis Toomey and Jane Wyman (former wife of Ronald Reagan) puckered up for three minutes and five seconds.

TRIVIA:  What most famous thoroughfare started out as Bloomingdale Road?

     Mario Cuomo, former governor of NY, said:  "You campaign in poetry.  You govern in prose."  OK.  On with the real stuff!

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Two from my youngest:
This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy.
The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else.
The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women.
The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"

***

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said, "Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"

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From The SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL C. Johnson Editor

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GOD LET LOOSE IN HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION!!

Something quite remarkable happened the last week of June 1999 at a high school graduation in Calvert County, Md. It wasn't that the American Civil Liberties Union had intervened on behalf of a lone student who said he would be offended if a fellow graduate went ahead with her plans to deliver an invocation at commencement. The religious version of "ethnic cleansing" happens all the time, from the courthouse to the schoolhouse. Seventeen-year-old Julie Schenk, who wanted to deliver the invocation, compromised and announced that instead she would call for a "time for reflection" that did not mention God. That seemed fine with everybody, including the ACLU.
But when Schenk asked for 30 seconds of silence and the crowd of 4,000 rose, a single loud male voice began reciting the Lord's Prayer, which begins, "Our Father, which art in heaven." The prayer was quickly picked up by others in the audience until it rolled like thunder across the room. The student who had protested the offering of an audible prayer, 18-year-old Nick Becker, walked out. When he tried to re-enter to receive his diploma, he was barred by authorities under a school policy that forbids students from returning to an assembly once they have left. Becker has been described as having an independent streak. Last year he was forced to wash his hair when he came to school with it in spikes resembling the Statue of Liberty, and he had also refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance and was about to be disciplined when the ACLU intervened. He was put in a patrol car until commencement ended. Becker was also barred from a post-graduation boat cruise that was limited to those who had participated in the ceremony.
What amazes us about this incident is that the audience reaction seems to have been spontaneous. Indeed, an ACLU spokesperson appeared frustrated when she noted the corporate prayer wasn't initiated by graduates or school officials. Nor did the prayer specifically mention "God," only "Our Father," so technically it might be said to have been in compliance. Perhaps this is the "virtue" empire striking back at the ravenously and increasingly secularized culture that seems powerless to stem the godforsaken tide of violence and corruption among us. For decades we have been told that the price we all must pay for a healthy First Amendment is the toleration of the most disgusting filth oozing through every pore of our society and culture. Creeps, louts, pornographers, blasphemers, alternative lifestylers, fornicators, adulterers, liars, slanderers and other forms of human rubbish enjoy the full protection of the law, but those who believe in God and order their lives accordingly, and who wish to participate in the pluralism and diversity that they hear so much about (but which never seems to apply to them), are increasingly losing their rights to be heard in the same public places occupied by those dedicated to tearing down, not building up, society. What these Maryland parents and friends of graduates discovered was a power they had forgotten they had. Frustrated by the aimlessness of Washington and its inability to do anything except focus on the self-preservation and survival of the politically unfit, the audience at the Calvert County graduation decided to practice what "We the people" actually means. As their forebears did with immoral and tyrannical British rule, they stood up and spoke out for, and to, an authority higher than the state. When those Marylanders were told they had no right to speak of God publicly they chose to speak to God. When Rosa Parks decided she would not obey an immoral law that required her to sit at the back of the bus because her skin color was not white, she inspired a civil-rights movement that is ongoing. Maybe those prayer protesters are the Rosa Parks of the secularist 90s. When the people speak, there's nothing the ACLU or anyone else can do about it.
  --Cal Thomas via Macedonia bulletin, Blue Ridge, GA.

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ANSWER:  Had it not been changed, George M. Cohan might have written "Give My Regards to Bloomingdale Road..."  it's Broadway.

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