Good Morning:  It's Monday July 23, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Raymond Chandler, 1883; Gloria DeHaven, 1925; architect Arata Isozaki, 1931; Bert Convy, 1933; Don Drysdale, 1936; journalist Nicholas Gage, 1939; Belinda Montgomery, 1950; Gary Payton, 1968.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1827 America's first swimming school opened in Boston.
On this date in 1829 William Burt received a patent for his typographer, a forerunner of the typewriter.
On this date in 1886 Steve Brodie jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and survived... or so the legend goes.
On this date in 1903 Ford Motor Company sold its first car.
On this date in 1904 the ice cream cone was invented in St. Louis.
On this date in 1915 Secret Service agents seized a briefcase left aboard a New York City subway by German official Heinrich Albert.  Inside they found information about a massive nationwide espionage ring operating in the U.S. and its plans for sabotage.  Newspaper accounts about the spy network shock the nation and move it closer to entering World War I.
On this date in 1958 Queen Elizabeth II named four woman to the peerage, making them the first women members of the House of Lords.
On this date in 1962 Australia's Dawn Fraser became the first woman to swim 100 meters in under 1 minute.
On this date in 1984 Vanessa Williams became the first Miss America to resign after photographs of her surfaced and scandalized the executives of the pageant.
On this date in 1986 Britain's Prince Andrew married Sarah Ferguson.  They were titled the duke and duchess of York.
On this date in 1996 the U.S. Women's Olympic gymnastics team earned their first gold medal at the Summer Games in Atlanta, Georgia.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  In 1938 Charles Zibbleman swam the Hudson River from Albany to New York City, traveling 147 miles and setting the record for handicapped swimmers.  Zibbleman had no legs... In 1960 Michael Eufemia had the world's longest continuous run in a straight pool match, sinking 625 balls without a miss... A pro golfer whacks the ball at 170 mph or more.
TRIVIA:  What baseball feat was Sal Durante famous for in 1961?
     Ed Howe has this bit of practical advice:  "If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law."  Anyway...
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Thanks to D.A. -- Only In America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do people heat thier tea and then put ice in it, and put sugar in the same tea that they wiil soon put lemon in...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
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Thanks to JLH:  ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES
There was a man telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before.
"But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
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Thanks to C. Johnson via  Susquehanna Sentinel, July 22, 2001 To subscribe free of charge email [email protected]  NO PORTRAIT
On the wall near the main entrance to the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is a portrait with the following inscription: "James Butler Bonham – no picture of him exists. This portrait is of his nephew, Major James Bonham, deceased, who greatly resembled his uncle. It is placed here by the family that people may know the appearance of the man who died for freedom."
Likewise, no literal portrait of Jesus Christ exists. Nevertheless, His image can be seen in the lives of His true followers. --author unknown, via D. Riggs' Brief Exhortations
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Thanks to A.B.:  Hearing God in Noisy Places
Ever feel guilty when somebody quoted this Bible verse: "Be still, and know that I am God"? (Psalm 46:10). I'll bet you'd like to find a quiet time today. Maybe you are even planning for it. Wonderful things can happen in times of solitude, stillness, and silence before God. But they are hard to come by -- and simply aren't available on some days or in certain life experiences.
There's precious little time for stillness when production deadlines are close. A report is due in three hours. An inspection is in progress. If you live in a big city, there are voices and horns. There is constant motion.
Shared living space has someone else's music, someone else's TV, and someone else's voice. Where are you supposed to find God in the midst of all the noise?
Then there is "noise" of a different quality altogether. Pain from illness or injury screams at you. The pressure of finding a new job or putting life together after a death takes away your tranquil sense of God. Sadness, disappointment, and loss crash over you with the roar of an angry sea.
Strange as it may seem to say, the greater need for some of us may be less for stillness than to learn how to hear God's voice smack in the middle of all the noise, chaotic activity, and disorienting trouble.
"They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord . . ." (Psalm 107:27-31).
Do you really think ours is the first generation of humankind to feel the pressure of noise, tension, and uncertainty? Of course it isn't. And the experience of some of those people can guide us in our times of stress.
Whoever the subjects of Psalm 107, they were reeling and staggering under their load. There was no serene stillness before God for them. To the contrary, they were "at their wits' end." So right in the middle of their frenzy and distress, "they cried out to the Lord in their trouble" -- and God heard them.
If your life has more tumult than stillness, more crash than tranquillity, God has not eluded you. He beckons you to cry out to him, and he will show himself to you. Amidst the noise, you will find him with you in the middle of it all.
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Thanks to D.A. -- One afternoon
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
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ANSWER:  He is the baseball fan who caught Roger Maris' record breaking 61st home run ball.
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Good Morning:  It's Tuesday July 24, 2001!
SPECIAL NOTE:  My wife (Freda) is scheduled to have gall bladder surgery this morning at the Southeast Alabama Medical Center (Dothan, AL).  We would ask for your prayers that all will go well.  Thanks.  Tim
SPECIAL NOTE:  At 2:00 P.M. this afternoon funeral services for Lola King, mother of Larry Kirkland, will be conducted at Ward-Wilson Funeral Home in Dothan.  I am scheduled to preach.  Please remember this family in your prayers.  Thanks.  Tim
BIRTHDAYS:  Simon Bolivar, 1783; Alexandre Dumas, 1802; Amelia Earhart, 1898; Bella Abzug, 1920; cartoonist Pat Oliphant, 1935; Ruth Buzzi, 1936; Robert Hays, 1947; Lynda Carter, 1951; Joe Carroll, 1958; Kevin Butler, 1962; Karl Malone, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1679 New Hampshire became a royal colony of the British crown.
On this date in 1701 Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac, in the service of Louis XIV of France, landed at the site of Detroit.  And, yes, there is a car named for him.
On this date in 1847 Brigham Young and the first Mormons arrived at Salt Lake, Utah.
On this date in 1866 Tennessee became the first confederate state to be readmitted to the union.
On this date in 1911 Machu Picchu was discovered.
On this date in 1929 the Kellogg-Briand Treaty was declared to be in effect.
On this date in 1959 Vice President Richard Nixon and Soviet premier Nidita Krushchev debated the pros and cons of capitalism and communism on world television.
On this date in 1977 Dutch rider Henk Vink set a Motorcycle world record by covering a 1-kilometer course in 16.68 seconds from a standing start.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The delicious apple was originally called the Hawkeye... The average American eats 1,889 Tootsie Rolls in a lifetime... A watermelon is 92% water.
TRIVIA:  What group has been debbed "The Invisible Empire of the South?"
     May this day be a good one for all...
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Thanks to JLH:  You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
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Thanks to a friend (who offers this as humor only -- not to offend anyone).
*QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.
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Thanks to D.A. for another good one from his archives: Out of the mouths of babes.....
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. - Matthew, Age 12
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. - Rocky, Age 9
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower.  - Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. - Carrol, Age 9
Don't ever be too full for dessert. - Kelly, Age 10
Never try to baptize a cat. - Laura, Age 13
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. - Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. - Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. - Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.- Chelsey, Age 7
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.- Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing. - Cynthia, Age 8
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Thanks to JLH:  The Stage Is Set
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.light bulbctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
*****
Blonde In The Barber Shop
A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "I can't cut your hair if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said, "I have to wear them!" And then stormed out.
This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headphones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors were in the other room. When he came back in, the blonde was dead.
He picked up the headphones to hear what was playing. He heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."
*****
Pa's Gonna Be Mad
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
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ANSWER:  The Ku Klux Klan
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Good Morning:  It's Wednesday July 25, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  Walter Brennan, 1894; Estelle Getty, 1924; Nate Thurmond, 1941; Walter Payton, 1954; Douglas Drabeck, 1962; Louise Joy Brown, 1978.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1814 English inventor George Stephenson first demonstrated a Steam Locomotive.
On this date in 1866 Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army (the first 5-star general), the first officer of the United States to hold that rank.
On this date in 1909 the French engineer and aviator Louis Bleriot made the first ariplane flight across the English Channel, from Calais, France, to Dover, England.
On this date in 1934 Franklin Roosevelt became the first president to visit Hawaii.
On this date in 1952 Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the United States.
On this date in 1956 the Italian liner Andrea Doria sank 60 miles off Nantucket after colliding with the Swedish liner Stockholm.  52 passengers lost their lives.
On this date in 1971 South African surgeon Dr. Christian Barnhard successfully transplanted two lungs and a heart into a patient.
On this date in 1978 Louise Brown, the world's first so-called test-tube baby, was born.
On this date in 1984 Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  20% of men and 6% of women say that they sleep in their birthday suit... Van Gogh signed his paintings with his first name, Vincent... Life Savers are the best-selling candy in the world.
TRIVIA:  What do the names Chang, Schultz and Smith have in common?
     Here is a short one from Red Skelton:  "Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."  Enjoy...
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Thanks to JLH:  This is the next installment of How to tell if you are a Redneck...
 
26. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
27. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
28. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
29. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
30. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
31. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
32. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
33. Fewer than half of your cars run.
34. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
35. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
36. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
37. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
38. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
42. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
43. Edited out
44. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
45. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
46. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
47. You're an expert on worm beds.
48. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
49. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
51. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
52. You haul more than U-Haul.
53. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
54. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
56. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
57. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
58. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
59. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
60. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

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Thanks to LBS:  8th Grade Education
Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 Salina, KS, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal. 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895
 
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case. Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts.bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
US History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607 1620 1800 1849 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic,
orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly! ! ! in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.
 
 This gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning.
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ANSWER:  They are the most common last names in China, Germany and the U.S. respectively.  Chang is the most common name in the world.
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Good Morning:  It's Thursday July 26, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS:  George Bernard Shaw, 1856; Aldous Huxley, 1894; Gracie Allen, 1906; Vivian Vance, 1912; Blake Edwards, 1922; Jason Robards, 1922; Mick Jagger, 1943; Susan George, 1950.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1752 the Pennsylvania Provincial Assembly selects Lev. 25:10 for the inscription on the statehouse bell it is having cast in England.  The passage reads:  "Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof."  The 2,080 pound bell was later (and is now) known as the Liberty bell; the statehouse as Independence Hall.
On this date in 1788 New York became the 11th state.
On this date in 1847 the West African nation of Liberia proclaimed its independence.
On this date in 1889 China's Hwyang Ho (Yellow River) flooded, leaving the surrounding countryside under as much as 12 feet of water.
On this date in 1897 Paul Gallico, author of THE SNOW GOOSE, was born.
On this date in 1908 the Federal Bureau of Investigation was established by Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte.
On this date in 1920 Oscar Swan, age 72, won a medal in rifle shooting, thus becoming the oldest Olympic Medalist.
On this date in 1947 the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, and the CIA were all founded.
On this date in 1953 Fidel Castro led a futile attack on a Cuban Army barracks at Santiago.  He was captured and sent to prison.  But this adventure gave his movement its name -- the July 26th movement.  The next time he struck, he succeeded.
On this date in 1969 U.S. scientists examined the first moon rock samples.
MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The Mason-Dixon line was named for the surveyors Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon... Alaska is almost three times the size of Texas... Although Illinois license plates boast "Land of Lincoln", until he was an adult Abe Lincoln had never set foot in Illinois.
TRIVIA:  Perhaps you have heard the phrase "south of the Mason-Dixon line", but exactly where is the Mason-Dixon line?
     May we never be as the lady George Bernard Shaw described:  "She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."  A beautiful Thursday to each of you!
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Thanks to JLH:  SETTING CLOCKS
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
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Thanks to LBS:  Remember these?
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
 
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
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Thanks to PW for an old favorite:
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
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Thanks to JLH:  NEW FATHERS
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
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ANSWER:  It is a 244 mile long dividing line that marks the southern boundary of Pennsylvania.  In actuality, such places as part of New Jersey and Washington D.C. are south of the line.
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