Enon Birthday: Happy Birthday Lisa Russell!
BIRTHDAYS: George Friedrich Handel, 1685; W.E.B. DuBois, 1868; Jim Backus, 1913; Elston Howard, 1929; Peter Fonda, 1939; Edward "Too Tall" Jones, 1951; Bobby Bonilla, 1963; Jason Keller, 1971; Shane Keller, 1971.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1836 the siege of the Alamo began.
On this date in 1886 the electrolytic process for the manufacture of aluminum was invented.
On this date in 1905 the Rotary Club was established.
On this date in 1945 the U.S. flag was raised on Mt. Surabachi on Iwo Jima.
On this date in 1982 Canada, Japan and the European Common Market nations joined the U.S. in economic and diplomatic sanctions against Poland and the Soviet Union.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Instead of letters, the Chinese have a different character for every single word... "Bharat" is the official name of India... Iran was formerly known as Persia. Before that, it was know as Iran.
TRIVIA: What is the only number spelled with the exact number of letters it stands for?
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning" (Louis L'Amour, LONELY ON THE MOUNTAIN).
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH: Genie in the Lamp
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks
up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire
engine red
Porsche. He turns
on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments
needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...."
*******************************************************
From Gradowith Poems --
The Mice In Council
(The following poem is based on an AESOP'S FABLE by the same name. I hope you enjoy it. Tim)
..........The Mice
In Council..........
Once upon a time,
in a country far away,
There lived a group
of mice who loved to romp and play;
And romp and play
they did - for they were all alone,
Their enemy, the cat,
was still to them unknown.
One day, however, things
took a turn for the worse -
(It's a good thing,
too, or we wouldn't have this verse...),
For the mice disappeared
- one after the other,
Cousin Jody, Aunt
Peg, and Sam's older brother.
They had been eating
and drinking and growing fat
Before the day they
first saw that nasty old cat!
But when the cat arrived
they had to change their ways,
Or they'd face the
prospect of the end of their days!
So a council was called
and all the mice were there,
They addressed the
problem with the greatest of care.
One plan was put forth
but it was soon voted down,
And plan after plan
was rejected all around.
Then a young mouse
stood and said, "I know what to do,
If you'll listen to
me I'll be glad to tell you."
To this they all replied
that they gladly would hear
And with his paw he
beckoned them all to draw near.
"The solution to the
problem I'm here to tell,
We simply place upon
his neck a tinkling bell.
With the bell on the
cat, when he comes to draw near,
We'll scamper to safety
for the bell we will hear."
Now this message the
mice with one accord did cheer,
And they thought themselves
shortly to be free from fear.
A wise old mouse stood
up and he sought to be heard,
But the others wished
to hear from him not one word.
After all he was old,
and his prime was long past,
To the back of the
room the wise old mouse was cast.
The mice were discussing
the purchase of a bell,
They were proud of
themselves, thinking they had done well.
The old mouse, all
the while, tried to reason with them,
But they were too
busy to be bothered with him!
They purchased a bell
and then they purchased a chain,
But the wise old mouse
knew that their plans were in vain.
They had a great feast
their success to celebrate,
For a chance to speak
the wise old mouse had to wait.
As the feast broke
up the wise old mouse stood to speak,
Though wise, he was
withered, his voice "trembly" and meek.
He said, "Now, friends,
your plan may seem perfect to you,
But I fear that you
haven't thought it fully through.
While it's true that
we'd hear a cat wearing a bell,
And that part of the
plan would work out very well,
From the fear of the
cat we would surely be freed -
But tell me:
who is it that will perform this deed?
The planning is one
thing, it's important enough,
But "belling" a cat
is gonna be mighty tough..."
The rashness of youth
sometimes refuses to see
What the wisdom of
years already knows to be...
So, make sure when
you plan, and then propose to do,
That the task you
have set is not too great for you.
..........H. L. Gradowith..........
02-11-2002
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NOTE: I am from Arkansas, and I aint never had no idea theze thangs wuz trew...
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF:
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to a Razorback game.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. (Example: Watermelon, Festival, Chicken and Egg Festival, Toad Suck Days)
You install security lights on you house and garage and leave them both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You know if another Arkansan is from North Arkansas or South Arkansas as soon as they open their mouth.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Four.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Sunday February 24, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: Wilhelm Grimm (German folklorist), 1786; Winslow Homer (American artist), 1836; Honus Wagner (baseball great), 1874; Chester Nimitz (commander-in-chief of the U.S. Pacific Fleet during World War II), 1885; "Ma Kettle" Majorie Main, 1890; Ave "Fish" Vigoda, 1921; James Farentino, 1938; Barry Bostwick, 1945; Edward James Olmos (American actor), 1947; Apple Co-founder Steven Jobs, 1955; Kienast Quints, 1970; Gordon ("Sesame Street" character), ?.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this case in 1803 the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the Congress passed an unconstitutional law when they voided an Act of Congress in the case of Marbury v. Madison. It was the first time in history that a law passed by Congress was deemed unconstitutional and it crystallized the Supreme Court's power to ultimately rule on questions of constitutionality.
On this date in 1839 the steam shovel was patented.
On this date in 1851 Boston, Mass., ordered America's first electric fire alarm system.
On this date in 1863 Arizona was organized as a territory.
On this date in 1949 the first multistage rocket was fired.
On this date in 1980 the U.S. Hockey team won the gold medal at the Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, NY by defeating Finland 4-2.
On this date in 1996 Cuba shot down two small American planes it claimed were violating Cuban airspace.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm retold in print stories that had been told by Gypsies for generations... DEAR MILI, one of Grimm's Fairy Tales, was lost for almost 150 years... Before the development of a process for printing photographs, newspapers and magazines had to rely on drawings by illustrators. Thus birthday-boy Winslow Homer came to prominence.
TRIVIA: In the most recent Presidential election, for which candidate (for President) did the State of Alabama (in the majority) vote?
"Hate clouds the mind. It is better to have no emotion when it is at work. Do what needs to be done, and do it coolly" (Louis L'Amour, LAST OF THE BREED).
*******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: Finding Jesus
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, preacher."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
*******************************************************
From HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH, A very good email by "Joel Hendon" <[email protected]>
Abraham Lincoln Denies A Loan
Abraham Lincoln wrote this letter to his stepbrother, John D. Johnston, who had written Lincoln that he was "broke" and "hard-pressed" on the family farm in Coles County, Illinois, and needed a loan. Lincoln's offer of a matching grant, as we call it today, was a recognition that "this habit of uselessly wasting time, is the whole difficulty," and that getting into the habit of working was far more important to Johnston than getting a loan.
[Dec. 24, 1848] Dear Johnston:
Your request for eighty dollars, I do not think it best to comply with now. At the various times when I have helped you a little, you have said to me, "We can get along very well now," but in a very short time I find you in the same difficulty again. Now this can only happen by some defect in your conduct. What that defect is, I think I know. You are not lazy, and still you are an idler. I doubt whether since I saw you, you have done a good whole day's work, in any one day. You do not very much dislike to work, and still you do not work much, merely because it does not seem to you that you could get much for it.
This habit of uselessly
wasting time, is the whole difficulty; it is vastly important to you, and
still more so to your children, that you should break this habit. It is
more important to them, because they have long to live, and can keep out
of an idle habit before they are in it, easier than they can get out after
they are in.
You are now in need
of some ready money; and what I propose is , that you shall go to work,
"tooth and nail," for somebody who will give you money for it.
Let Father and your boys take charge of your things at home - prepare for a crop, and make the crop, and you go to work for the best money wages, or in discharge of any debt you owe, that you can get. And to secure you a fair reward or your labor, I now promise you that for every dollar you will, between this and the first of May, get for your own labor wither in money or in your own indebtedness, I will then give you one other dollar.
By this, if you hire yourself at ten dollars a month, from me you will get ten more, making twenty dollars a month for your work. In this, I do not mean you shall go off to St. Louis, or the lead mines, or the gold mines, in California, but I mean for you to go at it for the best wages you can get close to home - in Coles County.
Now if you will do this, you sill soon be out of debt, and what is better, you will have a habit that will keep you from getting in debt again. But if I should now clear you out, next year you will be just as deep in as ever. You say you would almost give your place in Heaven for $70 or $80. Then you value your place in Heaven very cheaply, for I am sure you can with the offer I make you get the seventy or eighty dollars for four of five months' work. You say if I furnish you the money you will deed me the land, and if you don't pay the money back, you will deliver possession - Nonsense! If you can't now live with the land, how will you then live without it? You have always been kind to me, and I do not now mean to be unkind to you. On the contrary, if you will follow my advice, you will find it worth more than eight times eighty dollars to you.
Affectionately, Your Brother A. Lincloln
*******************************************************
Thanks to BC for these thoughts --
The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning.
*******************************************************
From a friend:
A Hymn to Heteronyms
Please go through
the entrance of this little poem.
I guarantee
it will entrance you.
The content will certainly
make you content,
And the knowledge
gained sure will enhance you.
A boy moped around
when his parents refused
For him a new
moped to buy.
The incense he burned
did incense him to go
On a tear with
a tear in his eye.
He ragged on his parents,
felt they ran him ragged
His just deserts
they never gave.
He imagined them out
on some deserts so dry,
Where for water
they'd search and they'd rave.
At present he just
won't present or converse
On the converse
of each high-flown theory
Of circles and axes
in math class; he has
Many axes
to grind, isn't cheery.
He tried to play baseball,
but often skied out,
So when the
snows came, he just skied.
But he then broke
a leg putting on his ski boots,
And his putting
in golf was in need.
He once held the lead
in a cross country race
Till his legs
started feeling like lead.
And when the pain
peaked, he looked kind of peaked
His liver
felt liver, then dead.
A number of times he
felt number, all wound
Up, like one
with a wound, not a wand.
His new TV console
just couldn't console
Or slough off
a slough of despond.
The rugged boy paced
'round his shaggy rugged room
And he spent
the whole evening till dawn
Evening out the cross-winds
of his hate.
Now my anecdote
winds on and on.
Do they always sing,
"Do re mi" and stare, agape
At eros, agape,
each minute?
Their love's not minute;
there's an overage of love.
Even overage
fish are quite in it.
These bass fish
have never been in short supply
As they supply spawn without waiting.
With their love fluids
bubbling, abundant, secretive
There's many a secretive mating.
(From "Crazy
English" by Richard Lederer)
*******************************************************
ANSWER: George W. Bush.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Monday February 25, 2002!
ENON ANNIVERSARY: Alex and Lisa White (also list recipients)!
BIRTHDAYS: Pierre Auguste Renoir (French impressionist painter), 1841; Buffalo Bill Cody, 1846; Enrico Caruso (Italian opera tenor), 1873; Zeppo Marx, 1901; Adelle Davis, 1905; Tom Courtenay, 1937; Cynthia Voigt (children's author), 1942; George Harrison, 1943; Sally Jessy Raphael, 1943; Karen (Ma Ingalls) Grassle, 1944.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1540 the Spanish explorer Francisco Vasquez De Coronado embarked from Mexico on a quest for fabled cities of gold.
On this date in 1570 Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth I was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. She had the "devout Catholic" Mary Queen of Scots beheaded. In his anger to the British Queen, Pope Pius V not only condemned the young queen's soul; he also declared her deposed from her earthly throne. He then proclaimed that her own subjects were free to murder her without earthly or heavenly condemnation.
On this date in 1601 the Earl of Essex was executed for treason in revolt against Queen Elizabeth.
On this date in 1793 President George Washington held his first cabinet meeting.
On this date in 1836 government officials issued the patent for the Cold revolver.
On this date in 1870 Hiram R. Revels became the first black U.S. Senator.
On this date in 1913 the Sixteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, authorizing the income tax, went into effect.
On this date in 1919 Oregon became the first state to tax gasoline.
On this date in 1933 the U.S.S. Ranger, the first aircraft carrier, was commissioned.
On this date in 1990 Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, ending a decade of government by the Communist Sandinistas.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Vasquez de Coronado's expedition failed to fine the cities of gold... His trip was 2-years long... On his trip, he traveled through the California peninsula, eastward along the Rio Grande, and north through what is now the Texas Panhandle and Oklahoma into Kansas.
TRIVIA: What affliction plagued Pierre Auguste Renoir in his later years?
Here is a quote from former Beatle and birthday-boy George Harrison: "As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead." Now, that makes sense. On to the real jokes...
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for sending the poem immediately following and then his own poem thereafter...
When I whine
Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with
golden hair,
and wished I was as
fair.
When suddenly she
rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down
the aisle.
She had one leg and
wore a crutch.
But as she passed,
she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me
when I whine.
I have 2 legs, the
world is mine.
I stopped to buy some
candy.
The lad who sold it
had such charm.
I talked with him,
he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd
do no harm.
And as I left, he
said to me,
"I thank you, you've
been so kind.
It's nice to talk
with folks like you.
You see," he said,
"I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me
when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the
world is mine.
Later while walking
down the street,
I saw a child with
eyes of blue.
He stood and watched
the others play.
He did not know what
to do.
I stopped a moment
and then I said,
"Why don't you join
the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without
a word.
And then I knew, he
couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me
when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the
world is mine.
With feet to take me
where I'd go.
With eyes to see the
sunset's glow.
With ears to hear
what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me
when I whine.
I've been blessed
indeed, the world is mine.
It's just a simple
reminder that we have
so-ooooo much to be
thankful for!!!
*****
NO SHOES
I cried because I
had no shoes,
Then met a man who
had no feet.
I knew I had so much
to lose,
For my body was whole,
complete.
His happy smile brought
me joy
For, no self pity
did he feel.
His happiness was
not a ploy---
I could tell that
it was real.
I asked him why the
happiness.
He said his joy was
in the Lord.
Tho he couldn't walk,
he had access
To heaven, thus his
spirit soared.
He said that I should
look around,
That, "many are worse
off than me".
Christ could give
to them a joyful sound,
"Try it and you, too,
will see".
I marveled at his joyous
attitude----
As I said, I knew
that it was real.
His words were not
a common platitude,
But showed true happiness
that I could feel.
I heard the gospel,
the sin redeeming plan,
And obeyed it---Praises
be to God,
For I have shoes,
as did that footless man;
With preparation of
the gospel, we are shod.
L. B. Strawn
August 16, 1997
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for these questions asked of young people --
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Pierre Auguste Renoir suffered, in later years, from arthritis. His hands were so crippled that he couldn't grip a paintbrush. But that didn't stop him from painting -- he painted with a brush strapped to his hand. In his later work one can see the broad-brush strokes he made while dealing with his disabling condition.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Tuesday February 26, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: Victor Hugo, 1802; Honore Daumier (French caricaturist), 1808; Levi Strauss (Bavarian-born creater of jeans), 1829; John George Nicolay (secretary to and biographer of Abraham Lincoln), 1832; Buffalo Bill (William Frederick) Cody, (American frontiersman and Wild West showman), 1846; John Harvey Kellogg, 1852; Jackie Gleason, 1916; Tony Randall, 1920; Fats Domino, 1928; Johnny Cash, 1932; Godfrey Cambridge, 1933.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1815 Napoleon escaped from the island of Elba where he had been exiled for his reign as self-proclaimed Emperor of France. In the one hundred days following his escape, countless lives were lost. It ended with the Battle of Waterloo, and Napoleon was exiled once again, but this time to the Island of St. Helena.
On this date in 1870 the first Subway Line was demonstrated in NYC. The first functional public system would be 34 more years in the coming.
On this date in 1881 the S.S. Ceylon sailed from Liverpool, England on the very first around-the-world cruise.
On this date in 1919 Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona was opened by an act of Congress.
On this date in 1949 the first nonstop around-the-world airplane flight took off from Fort Worth, TX.
On this date in 1951 James Jones' novel FROM HERE TO ETERNITY was published in New York.
On this date in 1951 the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, stipulating that no person can be elected to the presidency for more than two terms.
On this date in 1971 Kirt Barnes became the first person to ice-skate 100 miles in less than 6 hours.
On this date in 1985 thousands of farmers converged on Washington, D.C., to demand economic relief for farmers.
On this date in 1993 a bomb exploded in the World Trade Center.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: William Frederick Cody was said to have earned the nickname "Buffalo Bill" because he supplied railroad construction crews with buffalo meat... Alfred Ely Beach, lawyer and inventor, lived only two-miles from his office, but it took him about one-hour to get to work because of the traffic. He demonstrated his experimental subway system -- in total 2-blocks long -- on this date in 1870... Today, the NYC subway system is approximately 232 miles long and serves about 750,000 people each day.
TRIVIA: I was a member of the Whig Party. I was born November 24, 1784 in Orange Co., VA. I grew up near Louisville, KY. I fought in the war of 1812, the Black Hawk War (1832), and the second Seminole War (beginning in 1837). My nickname was "Old Rough and Ready." In 1846 President James K. Polk sent me with an army to the Rio Grande. When the Mexicans attacked us, Polk declared war. Outnumbered 4-1, we defeated (1847) Santa Anna at Buena Vista. I was elected President of the United States, but served only 16 months. Who am I?
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other" (Erma Louise Bombeck, 1927 - 1996).
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats for these terribly practical bits of information --
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize", and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad, or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A REALLY big big-shot
After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo - and His Holiness doesn't travel light - the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Hey, Mr. Pope.." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
"That is very much against the rules!", protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel.
He quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.
"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the medal. Then they heard the siren.
"Oh, good grief, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch. When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."
*******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Zachary Taylor, the 12th president.
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Wednesday February 27, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1807; John Steinbeck, 1902; Mary Francis Shura (children's author), 1923; Joanne Woodward, 1930; Eliazbeth Taylor, 1932; consumer crusader Ralph Nader, 1934; Uri Shulevitz (children's author), 1935; Howard Hessman, 1940; Mary Frann, 1943; physicist Alan Guth, 1947.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1717 the "Great Snow" -- a nine-day blizzard -- left an average of 5 feet of snow in parts of New England.
On this date in 1827 the first Mardi Gras was celebrated in New Orleans.
On this date in 1883 Oscar Hammerstein obtained a patent for the first cigar rolling machine. By the way, it was Oscar Hammerstein II who rolled out the lyrics for Richard Rodger's music.
On this date in 1919 the American Association for the Hard of Hearing was established.
On this date in 1922 the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously guaranteed women's suffrage.
On this date in 1932 the neutron was discovered by English physicist Sir James Chadwick.
On this date in 1933 the Reichstag parliamentary building, the seat of Germany's fragile democracy, burned in Berlin. Adolf Hitler had been elected Chancellor of Germany, but the nation was politically divided. The Nazi party did not have majority rule and it used this incident to incite a public outcry. The party promptly denounced the fire as a Communist plot. Ultimately that public handed dictatorial powers to Hitler. History's verdict is that the fire was probably set by the Nazis themselves.
On this date in 1939 the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed sit-down strikes. The civil unrest spurred by the nation's great economic depression had forced the government's hand for too long. To stop the seemingly endless stream of sit-down strikes organized by unemployed workers and union laborers, the court limited their right to protest.
On this date in 1951 the 22nd Amendment was ratified. It limited presidents to 2 terms -- sort of.
On this date in 1964 the city of Pisa asked the Italian government to spend over $1 million to straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
On this date in 1973 the American Indian Movement began the occupation of Wounded Knee. Angered by the government's disregard for the rights of Indians, they occupied the Ogalalla Sioux settlement at Wounded Knee, South Dakota. The 3-month seige took place on the site of an 1890 massacre where American cavalrymen killed hundreds of aboriginal men, women and children.
On this date in 1991 the Gulf War ended as Kuwait City was liberated and President George Bush ordered the cessation of all offensive military actions against Iraq. Though often criticized for this move (by myself as well as others), then President Bush was operating under the U.N. banner and the object of the war (foolishly enough) was nothing more than the removal of Iraqi forces from Kuwait.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: In his poem "Paul Revere's Ride," H. W. Longfellow failed to mention the contributions of William Dawes (who rode with Revere from Lexington on the night of April 18, 1775, warning of the approach of the British) and Samuel Prescott (who eluded the British when Revere was captured and actually carried the warning to Concord)... "The Great Snow of 1717" is still considered one of America's worst blizzards -- dropping an average of 5 feet of snow on parts of New England... The Oscar for Best Picture in 1943 went to Casablanca.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, who cut his hair once a year?
"Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched." [Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio].
*******************************************************
Let's have a few lines of one of the best... Paul Revere's Ride (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
Listen, my children,
and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride
of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth
of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now
alive
Who remembers that
famous day and year.
He said to his friend,
"If the British march
By land or sea from
the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft
in the belfry arch
Of the North Church
tower as a signal light, --
One if by land, and
two if by sea;
And I on the opposite
shore will be,
Ready to ride and
spread the alarm
Through every Middlesex
village and farm,
For the country folk
to be up and to arm."
(Skipping to the last 2 verses...)
You know the rest.
In the books you have read
How the British Regulars
fired and fled, --
How the farmers gave
them ball for ball,
From behind each fence
and farmyard wall,
Chasing the redcoats
down the lane,
Then crossing the
fields to emerge again
Under the trees at
the turn of the road,
And only pausing to
fire and load.
So through the night
rode Paul Revere;
And so through the
night went his cry of alarm
To every Middlesex
village and farm, --
A cry of defiance,
and not of fear,
A voice in the darkness,
a knock at the door,
And a word that shall
echo for evermore!
For, borne on the
night-wind of the Past,
Through all our history,
to the last,
In the hour of darkness
and peril and need,
The people will waken
and listen to hear
The hurrying of hoof-beats
of that steed,
And the midnight message
of Paul Revere.
*******************************************************
Here is one from my youngest -- Amanda -- who received it from her friend Jess:
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first?"
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS for one of the most beautiful pieces we have seen in a while --
Unfolding A Rose
A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day and feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was inquiring of the older preacher. The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals.
The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the WILL OF GOD for his life and for his ministry. Because of his high respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to TRY to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact...It wasn't long before he realized how impossible it was to do so. Noticing the younger preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud while keeping it intact, the older preacher began to recite the following poem...
UNFOLDING THE ROSE
It is only a tiny
rosebud,
A flower of God's
design;
But I cannot unfold
the petals
With these clumsy
hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding
flowers
Is not known to such
as I.
GOD opens this flower
so sweetly,
When in my hands they
die.
If I cannot unfold
a rosebud,
This flower of God's
design,
Then how can I have
the wisdom
To unfold this life
of mine?
So I'll trust in Him
for leading
Each moment of my
day.
I will look to him
for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim
way.
The pathway that lies
before me,
Only my Heavenly Father
knows.
I'll trust Him to
unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds
the rose.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Absalom -- II Samuel 14:26 -- "And when he polled his head, (for it was at every year's end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight." (That would be, by the way, six pounds and four ounces).
*******************************************************
Good Morning: It's Thursday February 28, 2002!
Enon Birthday: C. J. Smith!!!
Special List Birthday: Art Loeber!!!
BIRTHDAYS: Charles Blondin (French tightrope walker who crossed Niagara Falls many times on a wire), 1824; Geraldine Farrar, 1854; Linus Pauling (American chemist and two-time Nobel Prize winner), 1901; Jimmy Dorsey, 1904; Vincente Minnelli, 1913; Zero Mostel, 1915; Charles Durning, 1923; Gavin MacLeod, 1930; Tommy Tune (singer, dancer, and musical theater director), 1939; Mario Andretti, 1940; Bernadette Peters, 1944; Charles "Bubba" Smith, 1945; Cristina Raines, 1952.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1849 the first shipload of California gold-seekers arrived in San Francisco.
On this date in 1854 the Republican Party officially organized at Ripon, WI.
On this date in 1901 Jupiter's South Tropical disturbance was first observed.
On this date in 1940 the first televised basketball game took place in New York City's Madison Square Garden.
On this date in 1950 The Diner's Club opened for business, and the credit card industry was born.
On this date in 1969 APOLLO 9'S lift-off was postponed because the Astronauts had colds.
On this date in 1983 Hawkeye Pierce, B.J. Hunnicut and the rest of the 4077 struck their tents and hit the road in the final episode of "M*A*S*H". It registered one of the highest ratings ever as 77 out of 100 people watching their TV at the time tuned in.
On this date in 1984 singer Michael Jackson won eight Grammy Awards.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Prop glass in the movies is made out of boiled sugar water and corn syrup, the same as many lollipops... Jack Nicholson single-handedly rescued five drowning people from the New Jersey surf back in the fifties... The first drive-in theater was opened in 1932 in Camden, New Jersey.
TRIVIA: I found myself in a restaurant without enough cash to pay my bill -- and this prompted me to start what is now known as The Diner's Club. I signed up 22 restaurants and one hotel to honor the first card, and within 10 years there were 1.1 million cardholders. Today, 90 million Americans use 703 million credit cards. I am largely responsible (for better or worse). Who am I?
"I don't know why some people change churches -- what difference does it make which one you stay home from?" (Denny Brake).
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH for an old favorite -- So, who's working?
This is scary.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
*******************************************************
Thanks to my youngest daughter --
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
*******************************************************
Thanks to LM: Courtroom Conversations Part 1
The following quotations
are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny
and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of
law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
Lawyer: "Was that
the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have
one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs.
Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose
death was it terminated?"
Accused, Defending
His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was
found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: "What is your
date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Lawyer: "Can you tell
us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was
a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify
the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There
was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what
did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
Lawyer: "What gear
were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats
and Reeboks."
Lawyer: "Can you describe
what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was
wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was
he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his
face."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia
gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what
ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget.
Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
Lawyer: "How old is
your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight
or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long
has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five
years."
Lawyer: "What was
the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said,
'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did
that upset you?"
Witness: "My name
is Susan."
Lawyer: "Sir, what
is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I
can see pretty well, I think."
Lawyer: "Did you blow
your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the
accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the
accident."
Witness: "Sure, I
played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
Lawyer: "Trooper,
when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant
say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did
she say?"
Witness: "'What disco
am I at?'"
Lawyer: "Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check
for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check
for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you
be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could
the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "How far apart
were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "And you check
your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your
radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it
was malfunctioning correctly."
Lawyer: "What happened
then?"
Witness: "He told
me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill
you?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Now sir,
I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you.
If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Lawyer: "You were
there until the time you left, is that true?"
*******************************************************
ANSWER: My name is Frank McNamara.
*******************************************************
Gradowiths
Homepage