DailyHumorFebruaryTwelvetoFifteenOTwo

Good Morning: It's Tuesday February 12, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS: Rene Theophile Hyacinthe Laennec (French physician who invented the stethoscope), 1781; Charles Darwin (English "naturalist" who refined the theory of evolution through natural selection for his generation), 1809; Abraham Lincoln, 1809; General Omar Bradley, 1893; R. Buckminster Fuller, 1895; Joe Garagiola, 1926; Bill Russell, 1934; Judy Blume (children's author), 1938; Joanna Kerns, 1953; Arsenio Hall; 1958.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1709 Scottish seaman Alexander Selkirk, whose adventures were the source of inspiration for "Robinson Crusoe" by Daniel Defoe, was taken off Jaun Fernandez Island after more than 4 years of living alone there.

On this date in 1733 James Oglethorpe and a group of colonists landed in Savannah Harbor.

On this date in 1738 the first professional puppet show in America was presented in New York City.

On this date in 1878 the baseball catcher's mask was patented.

On this date in 1908 the first round-the-world auto race began in New York.

On this date in 1914 ground was broken for the Lincoln Memorial.

On this date in 1918 all Broadway Theaters in New York City closed to save coal.

On this date in 1924 Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue premiered at Carnagie Hall, NYC.

MEANINGLESS FACTS: William McKinley, 25th president, was born January 29, 1843 in Niles, OH... His chief opponent in the election was William Jennings Bryan... He was shot September 6, 1901 while welcoming citizens at the Pan-American Exposition, in Buffalo, NY, by Leon Czolgosz, an anarchist, and died September 14.

TRIVIA: When did the Hebrews wear kilts?

"Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold" (Mark Twain, 1835 - 1910).

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Thanks to a friend:

The Bible is made up of 31,173 verses. Of which there are 7,700 Promises (1 out of 4) the rest deal with Geology, genealogy, Historical accounts, and warnings. Thought you might enjoy this facts of the scripture.

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Thanks to AB: HOW DO THESE FOLKS SURVIVE???!!! (funny)

At McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago: I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.....

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SURE MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE FOLKS CAN SURVIVE!!!

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries--it's a long walk.

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Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"copies.

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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

AGAIN I ASK YOU, HOW DO THESE FOLKS SURVIVE???!!!

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Thanks to LM: CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Thanks to PW: DRINKING FROM MY SAUCER

I've never made a fortune and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loving ones around me, and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.

Remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke, and sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe about the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.

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ANSWER: The Hebrews wore kilts when Hanun forced them to -- I Chronicles 19:4 -- "Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved them, and cut off their garments in the midst hard by their buttocks, and sent them away."

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Good Morning: It's Lee Ann Smith's 18th Birthday!

BIRTHDAYS: Bess Truman, 1885; Grant Wood, 1891; Tennessee Ernie Ford, 1919; Chuck Yeager, 1923; Kim Novak, 1933; George Segal, 1934; Carol Lynley, 1942; Stockard Channing, 1944; William Sleator (children's author), 1945.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1633 Galileo was detained by the Italian Inquisition in Rome (more on the 15th).

On this date in 1635 the Boston Latin School, the nation's oldest secondary school, was founded.

On this date in 1741 the first American magazine appropriately title "The American Magazine", was published by Andrew Bradford. Of course, back then the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Grand Prize was only 10 cents...

On this date in 1795 the first state university opened in Chapel Hill, NC.

On this date in 1866 Jesse James held up his first bank. It was in Liberty, MO -- the Clay County Savings Bank.

On this date in 1867 Johann Straus's THE BLUE DANUBE was first performed in public.

On this date in 1920 the League of Nations recognized Switzerland's famous and perpetual neutrality.

On this date in 1937 the comic strip "Prince Valliant" first appeared.

On this date in 1977 Eric Heiden became the first American to win a world speed-skating championship.

On this date in 1991 a surprised librarian found Mark Twain's handwritten manuscript of the first half of ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN.

February is National Snack Food Month!!!

MEANINGLESS FACTS: Jay North starred as "Dennis the Menace" for years but he was also the voice of Bamm Bamm Rubble... Alice Kramden was known as Alice Gibson before she married Ralph... Packy East, an amateur boxer, is better known as Bob Hope.

TRIVIA: What biblical character wore a hat trimmed with blue lace?

"The most sacred of the duties of a government [is] to do equal and impartial justice to all its citizens" (Thomas Jefferson).

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Thanks to LBS: We have a test here, the questions will follow this line and the answers will be at the bottom of the 'list' --

(Q1) WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?

(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?

(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?

(Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?

(Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT..... WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?

(See bottom for answers).

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Thanks to BC: Thoughts...

"The only place you’ll find success before work is in the dictionary."

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

"You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind."

"The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out."

"It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it."

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Thanks to MAK: Quick Joke

Church finances were a little tight, so the "pastor" of a small denominational church took extra time this particular Sunday to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their "tithes" and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says, "God loves a cheerful giver."

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

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Answers from above --

(Q1) WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER? ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID, "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE.... IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2

(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK? ANSWER: "WATER" IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER -TAXED, YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD? IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3

(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS; A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?
ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!!! IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4

(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD COUNTRYGERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WESTGERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, ..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"? ! ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULDTHE PLANE CRASH!!! IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5

(Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR? ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION? IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION

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ANSWER: Aaron -- Exodus 28:37-38 and Exodus 39:31 -- "And thou shalt put it on a blue lace, that it may be upon the mitre; ...And it shall be upon Aaron's forehead,..." RVm has "turban" for "mitre".

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Good Morning: It's Valentine's Day!

BIRTHDAYS: George Washington Gale Ferris (American engineer who invented the Ferris wheel), 1859; Jack Benny -- born thirty-nine years ago on this date (1894); Thelma Ritter, 1905; Jimmy Hoffa, 1913; Mel Allen, 1913; Hugh Downs, 1921; Valentine Valentine, (insurance salesman), 1925; Florence Henderson, 1934; Carl Bernstein, 1944; Gregory Hines, 1946.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1803 Moses Coats invented the Apple Parer.

On this date in 1849 President James Polk became the first U.S. President to be photographed while in office.

On this date in 1859 Oregon became the 33rd state.

On this date in 1876 two rival inventors, Alexander Graham Bell and Elisha Gray, applied separately for a patent for the telephone. Bell applied 2 hours earlier.

On this date in 1884 the wife and mother of the former president Teddy Roosevelt both died.

On this date in 1894, in Waukegan, Illinois, Jack Benny was born.

On this date in 1895 Oscar Wilde's THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST opened in London.

On this date in 1903 the U.S. Department of Commerce and Labor was created.

On this date in 1912 Arizona became the 48th state.

On this date in 1931 the original Dracula movie was released.

On this date in 1946 the first all-electronic computer was introduced at the University of Pennsylvania's Moore School of Electrical Engineering. The Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer - ENIAC for short - weighed 30 tons, stood ten feet tall (about the size of a motor home), and could calculate a ballistic trajectory in thirty seconds. It took only 9 years for mathematician Alan M. Turing's ides -- which he had conceived while taking a walk in a scenic rural English cow pasture -- to become a reality.

On this date in 1989 the Ayatollah Khomeini called for the assassination of exiled author Salman Rushdie. Rushdie wrote THE SATANIC VERSES, portions of which ridiculed Islam's essential doctrines. They take such things very seriously...

On this date in 1991 Carrie White, thought to be the oldest living person, died at the age of 117.

Today is National Have-A-Heart Day!

Today is National Salute To Hospitalized Veterans Day!

MEANINGLESS FACTS: George Washington, the first president of the United States, was a member of the Federalist Party... He was born February 22, 1732 in Wakefield on Pope's Creek, Westmoreland County, VA... He died December 14, 1799 after being "treated" for acute laryngitis (the "treatment" was profuse "bleeding").

TRIVIA: Who gave soup to an angel?

"Justice limps along ... but it gets there all the same"(Gabriel Garcia Marquez).

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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Let's get our tongues firmly planted in our cheeks...)

How To Tell If You Grew Up In The Church Of Christ

* You know the 1st, 2nd and 4th verses to nearly every song in the book.

* You think it might be unscriptural to drain the baptistery.

* You were 18 years old before you knew that "guideguardanddirectus" was not one word.

* You thought the offering is part of the Lord's Supper.

* You ever wondered who Ebon Pinion was.

* You think it's okay to have TAPED organ music of the Wedding March but not the organ itself.

* You have never been to a church that wasn't named after the street it was located on.

* You've been to a wedding or funeral where "the invitation" was offered.

* Not only to you know the 1st, 2nd and 4th verses of every song, you also know each vocal part because over the years your voice kept changing.

* You thought about lunch every time you sang, "Low in the gravy lay..."

* You never saw the coin toss of a Super Bowl (except on video tape after the game was over).

* You always carry an extra mint or piece of gum for "after communion."

* You think that your seat on the pew is "sacred" and no one else would dare sit there.

* You were the only kid in the 6th grade who knew what "acapella" meant.

* You were the only kid who actually sang alto or tenor before taking junior high chorus.

* You never had the lead in the high school play because you couldn't make the Wednesday night rehearsals.

* You wondered what the difference was between the "fruit of the vine" and grape juice.

* You still can't get through an entire service without doodling on an attendance card.

* During a service you have: laughed, cried, dropped a book, walked to the bathroom, passed a note, emptied you purse on the pew, eaten a cookie, chewed gum, taken medicine, whispered to someone sitting beside you, winked at a friend, fallen asleep, coughed, sneezed, burped, or said "Amen" but you NEVER, EVER clapped.

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From WBB: Leopard

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

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From a friend --

When we are trapped in a tunnel of misery, ....hope points to the light at the end.

When we are overworked and exhausted, ....hope gives us fresh energy.

When we are discouraged, ....hope lifts our spirits.

When we are tempted to quit, ....hope keeps us going.

When we struggle with a crippling disease or lingering illness, ....hope helps us persevere beyond the pain.

When we fear the worst, ....hope brings reminders that God is still in control.

When we are forced to sit back and wait, ....hope gives us the patience to trust.

When life hurts and dreams fade, ....nothing helps like hope.
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From "Wisdom For the Way" ©2001 Charles Swindol

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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Feel like a Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt........one button at a time.......No one moves....He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,....And whispers:........."Iron this."

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ANSWER: Gideon gave soup to an angel -- Judges 6:11, 19 -- "And there came an angel of the Lord, and sat under an oak...And Gideon went in, and made ready a kid, ...and he put the broth in a pot, and brought it out to him under the oak, and presented it."

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Good Morning: It's Friday February 15, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS: Galileo Galilei (Italian astronomer and physicist), 1564; Henry Steinway, 1797; Cyrus McCormic (American inventor of the mechanical grain reaper), 1809; Susan B. Anthony, 1820; John Barrymore, 1882; Harvey Korman, 1927; Norman Bridwell (children's author who created Clifford the Big Red Dog), 1928; Melissa Manchester, 1951; Jane Seymore, 1951; Matt Groening (American cartoonist and cocreator of the TV show "The Simpsons"), 1954.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1493 Christopher Columbus reported to the Spanish court on his first voyage to the New World.

On this date in 1764 St. Louis was established as a fur-trading post.

On this date in 1804 New Jersey became the last northern state to abolish slavery.

On this date in 1842 the first adhesive-backed postage stamp was introduced.

On this date in 1898 the events which occasioned the slogan "Remember the Maine!" took place. This was the incident which, with the coaxing of William Randolph Hearst (newspaper tycoon), triggered the Spanish-American War. The ship was bombed in Cuba's Havana Harbor, though there is some controversy as to whether or the the explosion was deliberate.

On this date in 1903 the first Teddy Bear made its appearance.

On this date in 1936 Norwegian Sonja Henie won her third consecutive Olympic gold medal in figure skating.

On this date in 1960 Jerry Cobb became the first woman to pass the astronaut test.

On this date in 1964 (the year of my birth) Cassius Clay became the world's heavyweight boxing champion.

On this date in 1965 the new Canadian flag was unfurled for the first time.

On this date in 1971 Great Britain and Ireland switched to decimal-based currency.

On this date in 1990 Chelsea, a 2 1/2-year-old golden retriever, saved her master, who was being held at gun-point.

MEANINGLESS FACTS: On November 7, 1972 Pres. Nixon was reelected in a landslide, beating Democrat Sen. George McGovern (SD) with 61% of the vote, carrying 49 states... The 25th amendment, providing for presidential succession, was ratified February 10, 1967... The Woodstock music festival near Bethel, NY, drew 300,000 to 500,000 people during its run (August 15-17, 1969).

TRIVIA: In the New Testament, who went fishing naked?

"Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both" (Eleanor Roosevelt).

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Thanks to a friend: Proof

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

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Thanks to WBB: Flight Crew Volunteers

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

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Thanks to WBB: Lumber

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- It has been a long time since we had this one on the list, I hope you enjoy it! Tim

Dirt Roads

What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.

There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.

People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride.

That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.

We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along.

There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.

Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun.

And there were no drive by shootings.

Our values were better when our roads were worse!

People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks.

Dirt Roads taught patience.

Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk.

For your mail, you walked to the mail box.

What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.

At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.

Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.

At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.

At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.

Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road! ~by Paul Harvey~

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ANSWER: Peter fished in the nude -- John 21:7 -- "Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher's coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea."

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