BIRTHDAYS: Victor Herbert, 1859; John Ford, 1895; Clark Gable, 1901; Langston Hughes (black poet, dramatist, and short-story writer), 1902; Don Everly, 1937; "Saturday Night Live's" Garrett Morris, 1937; Sherman Hemsley, 1938; Jerry Spinelli (children's author), 1941; "Monty Python's" Terry Jones, 1942; Oprah Winfrey, 1954; Lisa Marie Presley, 1968.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1709 Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk was rescued after being stranded for 4 1/2 years on a desert island. He was the inspiration for Daniel Defoe's classic adventure tale, ROBINSON CRUSOE.
On this date in 1790 the United States Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York City.
On this date in 1862 Julia Howe's "Battle Hymn of the Republic" was published.
On this date in 1865 President Abraham Lincoln approved the thirteenth amendment to the constitution, which abolished slavery.
On this date in 1892 the term "400" first came into use in snobbery circles when the queen of New York's social scene, Mrs. William Astor, held a ball at her mansion. Four hundred was the maximum number that her ballroom could accommodate.
On this date in 1893 Thomas Edison completed the world's first Movie Studio in West Orange, NJ.
On this date in 1936 a huge ice floe blocked the flow of Niagara Falls.
On this date in 1949 RCA Records issued the first 45-RPM single.
On this date in 1960 the first civil rights sit-in demonstration was held in Greensboro, N.C.
On this date in 1978 Harriet Tubman became the first black woman honored on a postage stamp.
On this date in 1993 the Israeli government said that they would repatriate about 100 Palestinians who had been deported to Lebanon. The 100 decided to stay put.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: George Herman Ruth was the given name of baseball legend Babe Ruth... The city of Houston, Texas was named for, Sam Houston, the first president of the Republic of Texas... Before Perry Como became a singing star his occupation was a barber. (Thanks to LM!!!)
TRIVIA: An easy one (but, aren't they all???): What Hebrew named one of his sons "Ham"?
"One great use of words is to hide our thoughts" (Voltaire).
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Let's do the OLD WIVES' TALE: STORING ONIONS WITH POTATOES WILL MAKE THEM SPROUT. According to Lois H. Fulton, Supervisory Home Economist with the U.S. Department of Agriculture, this one is NOT TRUE. However, onions and potatoes should not be stored together anyway because onions should be kept at room temperature, or slightly cooler, in loosely woven or open mesh containers and potatoes should be stored in a dark dry place with good ventilation, at a temperature of about 45 to 50 degrees Fahrenheit. High temperatures will speed up the sprouting process.
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Thanks to LBS: Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Thanks to BC: Talent is a gift from God, how we use it is our thank you note to Him.
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Thanks to LBS: Health Advice for the New Year
Q: I've heard that
cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only
good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually, so speeding up your heart will not make
you live longer; that's like saying that you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down
on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp
the idea of logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism for delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
a pork chop can give you 100% of your RDA (recommended daily allowance)
of vegetable slop.
Q: How can I calculate
my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have a body,
and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of
the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of
a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain =good.
Q: If I stop smoking,
will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is
a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably
stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods
bad for you?
A: You're not listening.
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated
by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret
to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!
When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups
if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad
for me?
A: Are you crazy?
Cocoa beans... another vegetable. It's the best feel good food available!
I hope that this discourse
has cleared up any misconceptions that you may have had about food and
diets. Have a cookie... flour is a grain!
NOTE: Just to be safe, THIS ONE IS A JOKE. I thought it was terribly funny (that is why it is here), but you must remember that I am not a doctor -- I don't even play one on TV (although I do play a preacher, and some of them claim to be faith-healers -- btw, I don't). Just enjoy this one and do what your doctor tells you to do. Tim
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ANSWER: Noah -- Genesis 6:10 -- "And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth."
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Good Morning: It's Saturday February 2, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: James Joyce, 1882; George Halas, 1895; Ayn Rand, 1905; Lorne Greene, 1915; Stan Gets, 1927; Judith Viorst (children's author), 1931; Tom Smothers, 1937; Farrah Fawcett, 1947; Christie Brinkley, 1953; Garth Brooks, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1802 thousands of Bostonians paid $0.25 each to see the first leopard exhibited in the United States.
On this date in 1848 the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican War, was signed. By its terms, the U.S. acquired Texas, California, New Mexico, Utah, Nevada, Wyoming, Colorado and Arizona for $15 million.
On this date in 1870 the petrified human figure known as the Cardiff Giant was exposed as a hoax.
On this date in 1876 eight teams joined together to form Baseball's National League.
On this date in 1887 Pennsylvania Germans celebrated the first Groundhog Day.
On this date in 1935 the first lie detector tests were given.
On this date in 1956 Tenley Albright, who overcame polio at age 10, became the first American woman to win an Olympic figure-skating title.
On this date in 1982 photos transmitted by the U.S. space probe VOYAGER 2 revealed four to six previously undiscovered moons orbiting Saturn.
On this date in 1990 South Africa lifted the ban on the African National Congress.
Today is Groundhog Day.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Georgia was the fourth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution... Baseball’s Cy Young’s given name was Denton True Young... President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, which declared that slaves in rebel states were free in 1863. (Thanks to LM!)
TRIVIA: What is the only Biblical reference to dwarfs?
"Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out" (Will Rogers, 1879 - 1935).
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Thanks to LBS: WHAT CHILDREN SAY
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*****
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to use the bathroom in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*****
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*****
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*****
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*****
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the, movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
*****
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*****
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
*****
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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Thanks to LM:
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She took a ruler to
bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that
said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
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From a friend:
Do you remember.....
Hide and go seek at
dusk.
One speed bicycles.
Hopscotch, butterscotch,
double dutch.
Jacks, kickball, and
dodge ball.
Mother May I?
Red Rover.
Hula Hoops, jacks.
When you picked up
the phone and the operator said, "Number please?"
Wax Lips and Mustaches.
Penny candy in a brown
paper bag.
A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers.
Listening to Superman
on the radio.
Catching lightening
bugs in a jar.
Laughing so hard that
your stomach hurt.
An ice cream cone
on a warm summer night...
A cherry coke from
the fountain at the corner drug store.
Cops and Robbers....Cowboys
and Indians.
Running till you were
out of breath.
When the only time
you wore sneakers was at school, for gym.
When it took five
minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one.
When nearly everyone's
mom was at home when the kids got there.
When laundry detergent
had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When nobody owned
a purebred dog.
When a quarter was
a decent allowance.
When you'd reach into
a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls never kissed
on the first date.
The Draft.
When your Mom wore
nylons that came in two pieces.
When every adult had
a title as Mr., Mrs., Miss., Sir, or Ma'am.
The Mickey Mouse Club
When you got your
windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free,
every time. And you got trading stamps to boot! And, you didn't pay for
air.
Drive In movies.
When homework assignments
were a daily routine.
When being sent to
the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a
misbehaving student at home.
Sitting on the back
porch listening to the ballgame on the radio.
When Sundays were
for God and families.
When you removed your
hat and held your hand over your heart in silence during the "Pledge of
Allegiance" or the National Anthem.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Among those prohibited from officiating at offerings -- Lev. 21:20 -- "Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish..."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday February 3, 2002!
Today is known as "the day the music died", as on this date in 1959 Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J.P. (the Big Bopper) Richardson died when their plane crashed in Iowa.
BIRTHDAYS: Felix Mendelssohn (German composer), 1809; Horace Greeley, 1811; Elizabeth Blackwell (American who became the first woman medical doctor), 1821; Gertrude Stein, 1874; Norman Rockwell, 1894; James Michener, 1907; Joey Bishop, 1918; Shelley Berman, 1926; Joan Lowery Nixon (children's author), 1927; Fran Tarkenton, 1940; Bob Griese, 1945; Morgan Fairchild, 1950.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1690 paper money was first issued in Massachusetts.
On this date in 1830 the revolution against the Ottoman occupation of Greece ended.
On this date in 1865 President Lincoln attended a peace conference with Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens aboard a ship anchored at Hampton Roads, Virginia in an attempt to end the Civil War. The meeting failed because the Confederacy demanded independence. Barely 2 months later, after more killing and more suffering, Confederate independence was lost anyway. They say talk is cheap, but in this case the lack of talk cost thousands of men their lives.
On this date in 1882 P.T. Barnum bought JUMBO, the world-famous elephant.
On this date in 1905 James Blackstone bowled a 299 1/2 when half a broken pin remained standing in the 10th frame.
On this date in 1913 the Sixteenth Amendment was ratified. That's the one that gave Congress the power to pick our pockets... I mean... extort from us... I mean... to levy income taxes. Anyone planning a celebration???
On this date in 1943 4 U.S. chaplains died when they gave their life jackets to other crew members on board the sinking troop transport Dorchester and went down with the ship in the North Atlantic during the Second World War. Today is Four Chaplains Day in their honor. Their names were (with their religious titles) -- Father John Washington, Rabbi Alexander Goode, Reverend George Fox, and Reverend Clark Poling.
On this date in 1962 President J.F. Kennedy banned all trade with Cuba except for food and drugs.
On this date in 1973 the fighting in the Vietnam War came to a virtual halt as the formal cease-fire had gone into effect.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: William Cody was Buffalo Bill’s given name... It takes eight years, excluding taxes, for a given sum of money to double if it is earning 9 percent a year... The real name of the outlaw, Billy the Kid was, William H. Bonney. (Thanks to LM!)
TRIVIA: My favorite (as you may recall) -- How many faithful Christians, who love the Lord Jesus Christ with all of their heart and put Him and His Kingdom first in their lives (cf., Matthew 6:33), will choose to stay home from the assembly of the saints in favor of watching the first half of the Super Bowl this evening?
"In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men the great difficulty lies in this: You must first enable the government to control the governed, and in the next place, oblige it to control itself" (Alexander Hamilton, 1755 - 1804).
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Thanks to a friend for this old favorite --
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Counting Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
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Thanks to Chadlex: DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Redneck Letter
Dear Billy joe Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
*******************************************************
ANSWER: Of course, none.
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Good Morning: It's Monday February 4, 2002!
Happy Anniversary Dennis and Johnnie Taylor!
Happy Anniversary Alex and Lisa White!
BIRTHDAYS: Thaddeus Kosciuszko (Polish patriot and aid to George Washington), 1746; Nigel Bruce, 1895; Charles Lindbergh, 1902; Eddie Foy, 1902; Rosa Parks, 1913; Isa Lupino, 1918; Betty Friedan, 1921; Conrad Bain, 1923; Russell Hoban (children's author), 1925; Isabel Peron, 1931; David Brenner, 1945; Dan Quayle, 1947; Vincent Damon Furnier (Alice Cooper), 1948.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1789 George Washington was elected President of the United States.
On this date in 1861 the Confederate States of America were organized in Montgomery, AL.
On this date in 1877 the empress of Brazil presented Queen Victoria with a dress woven of spiderwebs.
On this date in 1887 the Interstate Commerce Commission was established.
On this date in 1926 John Giola became the Charleston Dance Champ after dancing 22 1/2 hours straight.
On this date in 1932 the first winter Olympics held in the United States began in Lake Placid, N.Y.
On this date in 1941 the USO was founded.
On this date in 1957 the first portable electric typewriter went on sale in Syracuse, NY.
On this date in 1970 President Nixon ordered all federal agencies to stop polluting the air and water by 1973.
On this date in 1974 the SLA kidnapped Patty Hearst.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: It takes eight years, excluding taxes, for a given sum of money to double if it is earning 9 percent a year... Cum laude means; With Praise.... “It Happened One Night” , was the first film to win the top five Academy Awards in 1934 . It won Oscars for best film, best director, best actor, best actress and best adapted screenplay.(Thanks to LM!)
TRIVIA: What is the middle chapter in the Bible?
"Man - a reasoning rather than a reasonable animal" (Alexander Hamilton, 1755 - 1804).
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Fred and Edna
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: The Devil's Sister
A few minutes before
the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone stated screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said...."Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: True duck hunting story from Michigan
Two hunters from Michigan--(true story) This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
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ANSWER: It is not really a "chapter" -- as the psalms were individual compositions and not chapters -- but it is Psalm 117.
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