BIRTHDAYS: Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel, 1832; Charles Edgar Duryea, 1861; J. Paul Getty, 1892; Muriel Rekeyser, 1913; Friedrich Hundertwasser, 1928; Nick Buoniconti, 1940; Dave Clark, 1942; Don Johnson, 1949; Daryl Turner, 1961.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in A.D. 37 Nero, later branded an enemy of the state, was born. Despite rumors to the contrary, he probably didn't "fiddle" while Rome burned. After his suicide (some 4 years after the burning of the city), P.R. agents for the opposition worked overtime to lay at his feet ALL the responsibility for Rome's troubles.
On this date in 1791 the first 10 amendments to the Constitution -- the Bill of Rights -- were ratified.
On this date in 1886 the number of shares traded on the New York Stock Exchange in a single day exceeded 1 million for the first time.
On this date in 1938 ground was broken for the Jefferson Memorial.
On this date in 1939 the world premiere of "Gone With The Wind" took place in Atlanta.
On this date in 1969 the oldest fossilized flea on record was discovered in Australia.
On this date in 1970 the USSR's VENERA 7 became the first spacecraft to land on Venus.
On this date in 1989 London's Big Ben was silenced for 3 hours because of faulty cogwheels.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The month of March is named from the Roman god of war -- Mars... The month of April is named from the Greek goddess of love -- Aphrodite... The month of May is named from the Roman goddess of growth -- Maia.
TRIVIA: Where is the first mention of horses in the Bible?
"The future is a great land; a man cannot go around it in a day; he cannot measure it with a bound; he cannot bind its harvests into a single sheaf. It is wider than vision, and has no end" (Donald G. Mitchell).
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3 for the price of 1 in the Old Wives' Tale for today:
THE BEST WAY TO STOP A NOSEBLEED IS TO:
· Put a Wad of Paper Under Your Lip.
· Put Ice on the Back of Your Neck.
· Tip Your Head back.
As for all three of these -- NOT TRUE. Dr. Henry Heimlich (of "maneuver" fame) says that most of the nosebleeds we suffer will stop shortly after they begin, even if left alone. He says that pressure should be applied at the bleeding site by pressing the outside of the nostril toward the middle of the nose against the bony cartilage there. This pressure should be maintained for three minutes or longer, until the blood clots. Ice packs or cold compresses are advisable if the bleeding doesn't stop, but Dr. Heimlich says to put the compress or pack on the face, above the nose or on the right bridge of the nose, not at the back of the neck. Tilting the head back is another old wives' tale without basis. This makes the blood run down the throat and into the lungs, hiding the fact that the blood flow is continuing. The victim should actually be kept sitting upright, with the head in a normal position so the blood flows out of the nose, instead of down the throat.
If the flow does not stop, and especially if the blood is bright red and profuse -- which could indicate arterial bleeding -- keep the pressure on and rush the victim to a medical emergency facility or doctor. If nosebleeds are persistent or recurring, especially in the very young and the older adult, a doctor should be consulted.
What about the wad of paper? It's supposed to apply pressure to the blood vessels in the nose, so that the flow stops and the blood can clot. But pinching the nose with two fingers is really more effective.
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From our Archive -- Thanks to A.B.: Clean Jokes can still be funny
Everyone knows Shakespeare is responsible for famous lines like, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo," and, "Alas poor Yorick! I knew him." But who ever guessed that old Bill originated gems like these:
"The better part of valor is discretion," from Henry the Fourth, part 1. Usually quoted as discretion is the better part of valor.
"He hath eaten me out of house and home," from Henry the Fourth, part 2.
"Foregone conclusion," from Othello.
"Pomp and circumstance," from Othello
"Too much of a good thing," from As You Like It.
"Salad days," from Antony And Cleopatra.
"Let's kill all the lawyers."
Henry The Sixth, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2.
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"I remember when I was growing up, a tornado touched down in our neighborhood, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and and demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it, surveyed the damage, muttered, 'Darn kids,' and closed the door." -Tim Conway
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"You can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone is swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?"
And I said, "Until my bladder's empty, punk." -Tommy Sledge
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"Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, 'You were only in the air for twelve seconds. How could your luggage be in Cleveland?'" -Red Buttons
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A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
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John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
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My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"
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ANSWER: Horses are first mentioned in Genesis 47:14 -- "And they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses,..."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday December 16, 2001!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALBERTA RONEY!!!
BIRTHDAYS:
Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770; Jane Austen, 1775; George Santayana, 1863;
Marie Hall Ets (children's author), 1893; Sir Noel Coward, 1899; Margaret
Mead, 1901; Arthur C. Clarke, 1917; Bruce Ames, 1928; Quentin Blake, 1932;
Liv Ullmann, 1939; Stephen Bocho, 1943; Ben Cross, 1947; Mike Flanagan,
1951; William 'the refrigerator' Perry, 1962; Clifton Robinson, 1966.
Today
the MEN WILL NEVER FLY SOCIETY holds their annual meeting at Kitty Hawk,
NC. Their motto is, "Birds fly, men drink."
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1631 Vesuvius, a volcano in Italy, erupted.
On this date in 1773 colonists dressed as Indians and threw tea in Boston harbor.
On this date in 1922 Florence Allen of Ohio became the first woman justice of a State Supreme Court.
On this date in 1944 the Battle of the Bulge began.
On this date in 1953 the Delaware Water Gap Bridge between Pennsylvania and New Jersey opened.
On this date in 1974 the Safe Drinking Water Act became law.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The month of June is named from the goddess of women, marriages and childbirth and wife of Jupiter -- Juno... The month of July is named from the Roman emperor -- Julius Caesar... The month of August is named from the successor to Julius Caesar -- Augustus Caesar.
TRIVIA: Who (in the Bible) was companion to ostriches?
"The future is no more uncertain than the present" (Walt Whitman).
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Time for the Old Wives' Tale -- PUT A STEAK ON A BLACK EYE TO HELP REMOVE SWELLING ETC... This one is TRUE. Remember how in cartoons and comic books they always showed the character, a split second after receiving a punch, with a large fresh steak on his eye? This habit more than likely got its start when steak was 25 cents a pound... But then again, nobody says you can't rub a steak with barbecue sauce and broil it after it's been used on a shiner...
Dr. John Seeder, an ophthalmologist practicing in New York City, pointed out that a black eye was simply a bruise -- just like a black-and-blue mark, with broken blood vessels and swelling. The best treatment for a bruise is an immediate application of anything cold, preferably something with a bit of flexibility that can conform to the contours of the face. Applying something cold works in two ways: It keeps swelling down, and it helps stop the internal bleeding (the source of that mottled coloring) by constricting the broken blood vessels.
Doctors advise you not to take aspirin or blow your nose. Aspirin acts as an anticoagulant and slows the blood clotting. And, if the blow was pretty severe, there could be minor fractures of the eye socket; so blowing one's nose is another no-no. It can force air into the area and cause increased swelling.
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From our Archive -- From JokeDuJour: "Teenagers & Cats"
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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Thanks to Chadlex: Twas The Night Before Christmas.... Mom Style
Twas
the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only
one creature was stirring, & she was cleaning the commode.
The
children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while
visions of N-64 & Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The
dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with
a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So
only the Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which
made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?"
With
toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She
descended the stairs, & saw the old man.
He
was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh
great," muttered the Mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho
Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your
gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks,
Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!"
he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A
clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run
along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."
Then
out walked the clone - The mother's twin,
Same
hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll
cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll
relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless."
"Fantastic!"
the Mom cheered. "My dream has come true!"
"I'll
shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!"
From
the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy?!
Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet."
The
clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey,"
the Mom smiled, "She sure knows her part."
The
clone changed the small one & hummed her tune,
as
she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're
the best Mommy ever. I really love you."
The
clone smiled & sighed, "And I love you, too."
The
Mom frowned & said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's
my child's LOVE she is trying to steal."
Smiling
wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only
one loving mother is needed here."
The
Mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.
"Thank
You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I
sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when
they'll be too old for my cradle & song."
The
clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa
whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With
the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight.
Merry
Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."
Sometimes
we need reminding of what life is all about. Especially at times
during the Holiday season, when all we seem to do is clean and bake and
shop and and and and and and and....You get the picture, I'm sure.
So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special, whether he/she
is 2 months or 22 years, or even older than that. For they are the Gift
that God gave us in life...and what a gift to be treasured, far above any
other!
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ANSWER: Job was companion to ostriches -- Job 30:29 (RV) -- "I am a brother to jackals, and a companion to ostriches."
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Good Morning: It's Monday December 17, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Deborah Sampson (Revolutionary War soldier), 1760; Sir Humphrey Davy, 1778; John Greenleaf Whittier, 1807; Arthur Fiedler, 1894; Erskine Caldwell, 1903; Frances Hamerstrom (American wildlife biologist who helped save the greater prairie chicken from extinction), 1907; Willard Frank Libby, 1908; Sy Oliver, 1910; Gene Rayburn, 1917; William Safire, 1927; Albert King, 1959.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1777 France recognized the independence of the thirteen American colonies.
On this date in 1843 my favorite Charles Dickens story, A CHRISTMAS CAROL, was first published.
On this date in 1903 Wilbur and Orville Wright made their first airplane flight.
On this date in 1933 the Chicago Bears won Football's first World Championship, defeating the New York Giants, 23-21. Each player on the winning team received $210.
On this date in 1969 a 21-year study of UFOs ended with no conclusions.
On this date in 1991, in the most lopsided NBA game in history, Cleveland beat Miami 148 - 80.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The month of September is named from the Latin word for "seven" since it was the seventh month of the Roman year... October is named from the Latin word for "eight" since it was the eighth month of the Roman Year... November is named from the Latin word for "ninth" since it was the ninth month of the Roman year.
TRIVIA: Where, in the Bible, is the chameleon mentioned?
Here's one on living for the present -- "The future you shall know when it has come; before then, forget it" (Aeschylus).
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Here is our old wives' tale for today -- BED REST IS BEST FOR A BACKACHE. As much as I hate to say it to those who have backaches and like staying in bed... this one is NOT TRUE.
Almost everyone is familiar with backaches. The American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons rates back pain second to the cold for causing employees to miss work. According to most studies, four out of five people suffer a form of this affliction at some point in their lives.
The
fans of the evolution theory for our origin trace back pain to prehistoric
man -- you know, the guy who stopped walking on all fours and started walking
upright on his "hind legs"... Whatever.
The
universal prescription for an aching back has always been bed rest, sometimes
supplemented by traction devices and strong muscle-relaxing medications.
Staying horizontal seems to make sense and usually helps relieve the pain...
until you stand up. Then a cycle of chronic pain begins.
Recently,
however, doctors have discovered that bed rest may actually be harmful.
With prolonged bed rest there is a significant loss of muscle strength
and tone, as well as loss of calcium from the bones. Even if you're
in pain, inactivity can be more harmful than exercise. A reconditioning
program which offers special workouts was developed by researchers at the
University of Texas Southwest Medical Center in Dallas. Their program
permanently returns nearly nine out of 10 workers with back injuries to
their jobs. That's more than twice the results produced by traditional
treatments of prolonged rest.
Instead of popping painkillers and taking to your bed, ask your doctor about a comprehensive program of physical exercises, muscle strengthening and stress reduction.
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From our Archive -- From AndyChaps: Andy Says...Just Think About This!
Life's battles don't always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who THINKS HE CAN! ~~~~anonymous~~~~
**I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
**You are here: X
**There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
**My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...
**There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
**Why is it that all the semi drivers who cut me off or pull out in front of me never seem to have that "How's My Driving?" telephone number on the back of their trucks?
**The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you...
**To all gun-control advocates: How about placing a sign on your front lawn that reads: "This home is gun-free."?
**The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock
**Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.
**I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. - Kevin Meaney
**A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
**If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Robert X Cringely
**The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
**The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
**If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
**I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter. - Drew Carey
**I never pay my bills. It's not that I don't have the money, it's just the only way I can get anyone to call me.
**A can of cat food contains as much meat as five adult mice.
**I'm still having a lousy childhood.
**If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
**My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
**Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
**I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it. - Any Mother With Kids
**If the government wants to do something about monopolies, why don't they forget about Microsoft and do something about Ticketmaster?
**In the oldies song, "Walk Like a Man," why do all the men sing like girls?
**Send more tourists..... the last ones were delicious!
**When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey
**A fool and his money are my best friends
**I can't wait for interactive TV so I can slap Geraldo.
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From
a friend: The Day After Christmas...
'Twas
the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every
creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The
toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa
passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping
and ribbons just covered the floor,
While
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And
I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went
into the kitchen and started to clean.
When
out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I
sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away
to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore
open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When
what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But
a white little truck, with an eagle on rear.
The
driver looked nice, with a smile on his pan;
The
patch on his jacket said he was the POSTMAN.
With
a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then
quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill
after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling
and shouting he called them by name:
Now
Sears, and now Broadway, now Kmart and Pennies,
Here's
Walmart, and Target's -- they slid in with ease.
To
the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now
chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He
whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He
filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He
sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving
much faster with just half a load.
Then
I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY
WHAT YOU GOT -- YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!
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ANSWER: Leviticus 11:30 -- among the "unclean creeping things" which might not be eaten: "And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizsard, and they snail, and the mole."
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