Today is International Clown Day!
BIRTHDAYS: Joseph Grimaldi, 1823; Paul Klee (Swiss artist), 1879; Zoltan Kodaly (Hungarian composer), 1882; Ty Cobb (American baseball player who has the highest lifetime batting average [.367] in major-league history), 1886; Willy Brandt, 1913; Ossie Davis, 1917; William Ramsey Clark, 1927; Steven Spielberg, 1947; Janie Fricke, 1950; Charles Oakley, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1787 by a vote of 38-0, New Jersey ratified the U.S. Constitution.
On this date in 1865 the 13th Amendment, which abolished slavery, was ratified.
On this date in 1899 a patent was issued to George F. Grant for the golf tee.
On this date in 1936 Su Lin became the first giant panda to arrive in the United States.
On this date in 1956 Japan joined the United Nations.
On this date in 1957 the first commercial nuclear power plant in the United States began supplying electricity to Shippingport, PA.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: New Jersey officially became the third state when its representatives voted unanimously to ratify the Constitution... November was named from the Latin word for "ninth" since it was the ninth month of the Roman year... December was named from the Latin word for "tenth" since it was the tenth month of the Roman year.
TRIVIA: What was the pygarg and where (in the Bible) was it mentioned?
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure" (Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955).
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Time for the Old Wives' Tale for today -- IF YOU GET HIT ON THE HEAD, STAY AWAKE TO PREVENT A CONCUSSION. In one form or another, this one is widely believed. However, it is NOT TRUE. There is nothing wrong with keeping a child (or adult) awake after a blow to the head, but it is not always necessary either. Jeffrey Brown, M.D., writes, "Some patients mistakenly believe that keeping the child awake after a head injury will prevent a concussion." If a child has been crying and is exhausted, many pediatricians say it's all right to allow him to sleep for up to half an hour. The purpose of waking him up is to make sure he is arousable. If the injury occurs at night, the recommendation is to wake him up at least twice. But when there's a sudden loss of consciousness it's important to get to the doctor immediately.
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Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend: Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
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Thanks to LBS: Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...... its a trap. There's two of them".
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10
Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
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From a friend -- 2 seasonal ones...
Two young boys were spending the week before Christmas at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Methodist."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats:
\ | /
\\ \ | | /
\\\ \\ // ///
\\\ ######### ///
\\ ### ###
//
-- ##
## --
-- ## squish!! ## --
-- ##
## --
// ### ###
\\
/// ######## \\\
/// // \\ \\\
// / | | \ \\
/ | \
You have just been hit with an e-mail snow ball!
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ANSWER: The pygarg was probably a kind of antelope. It is listed among the edible animals in Deuteronomy 14:4-5. The margin of both the KJV and the RV gives "bison" for pygarg, and notes that the Hebrew word is "dishon". The word pygarg was a transliteration of the Septuagint Greek word "pygargos," which means literally "white rump" and was the name of a Libyan antelope. The Hebrew word "dishon" is interpreted by scholars to mean a species of gazelle.
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Good Morning: Wednesday December 19, 2001!
Happy Anniversary Frankie and Shirley Ingram!!!
BIRTHDAYS: Henry Clay Frick, 1849; Albert Michelson, 1852; Ralph Richardson, 1902; Eve Bunting (children's author), 1928; Cicely Tyson, 1939; Richard E. Leakey, 1944; Robert Urich, 1947; Kevin McHale, 1957; Jennifer Beale, 1963; Alyssa Milano, 1972.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1732 "Poor Richard's Almanack" began publication in Philadelphia by Ben Franklin.
On this date in 1776 Thomas Paine published "The American Crisis," which included the words "These are the times that try men's souls."
On this date in 1777 George Washington and 11,000 troops established a camp at Valley Forge, PA.
On this date in 1787 Thomas Jefferson received a copy of the Constitution.
On this date in 1871 corrugated paper was patented.
On this date in 1959 Walter Williams, the last Civil War Veteran, died at the age of 117.
On this date in 1972 Apollo 17, the sixth and last manned moon-landing mission to date, ended with a splashdown in the Pacific Ocean.
On this date in 1984 Wayne Gretzky scored his 1,000th point in his 632nd professional hockey game.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The top 10 brightest stars are as follows -- Sirius, Canopus, Rigel Kentaurus, Areturus, Vega, Capella, Rigel, Procyon, Achernar, and Betelgeuse... Four gills equals one pint which equals 28.875 cubit inches... Ten millimeters equals one centimeter which equals 0.3937 inch.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, what bird is said to carry its young on its wings?
One to think on... "All the best stories are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape" (Arthur Christopher Benson).
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Time for the Old Wives' Tale for today -- IF YOUR STOMACH IS UPSET, EAT CRACKERS, DRINK FLAT GINGER ALE OR COKE, EAT GINGER. In one form or another, most of us have either tried this or heard it advocated. And you know what? It is TRUE!
Ginger really is a proven remedy for motion sickness and many stomach troubles are (in one way or another) related to motion sickness. Made from a root, this spice has been used for centuries by ocen travelers, and recently passed muster in a series of scientific evaluations. In one test, it was found that two powdered ginger root capsules were more effective than an over-the-counter medication in preventing motion sickness.
According to the people at the Travelers Health Care Center at the University Hospitals of Cleveland, ginger works for stomach upset by absorbing acids in the gastrointestinal tract and thereby reducing nausea. Some sailors "swear by" fresh ginger, but others say it causes indigestion and heartburn. It is best to take your ginger ale (when taking it for upset stomach) flat, because the gas from carbonation is undesirable for an upset stomach.
Although the Coca-Cola base syrup
is supposed to be a well-guarded secret, it is probably based on a common
stomach remedy of the last century. A very close relative of this
formula, called Unterberg, is known to German-Americans, who buy it in
their ethnic delicatessens. Like Fernet Branca, this pretty foul-tasting
syrup has been a dependable stomach remedy for many years.
These cola syrups are effective
in most cases after the sickness has begun. They don't cure it, but
they do provide some relief. The recommendation about drinking ginger
ale flat also goes for Coke, although some people find that the burping
action from the carbonation offers some relief from nausea.
Plain soda crackers -- another common remedy -- have two pluses. First, they are easily digestible and bland, and can absorb some of the offending fluid in your stomach. Second, they contain bicarbonate of soda and cream of tartar, which help neutralize acids. They're also easy to carry around.
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How about a recipe -- Lemon Coolers
(From the Farmers Almanac)
2 cups flour
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups finely ground popcorn
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. soda
1/2 cup plus 2 T. butter
2 tsp. lemon peel
1 T. lemon juice
2 eggs
1/4 cup powdered sugar
Combine first nine ingredients.
Mix well. Roll into 1" balls. Roll balls into powdered sugar.
Place on a greased cookie sheet. Bake 10 - 12 minutes at 350 degrees
F.
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From Stan Kegel -- 'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2001
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
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Thanks to LBS: LESSONS FROM NOAH'S ARK
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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ANSWER: According to Deuteronomy 32:11, the eagle carries its young on its wings -- "As an eagle stirreth her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings..." (See also Exodus 19:4).
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Good Morning: It's Thursday December 20, 2001!
Happy 57th Anniversary to Hugh and Janie Summerlin!!!
BIRTHDAYS: John Geary, 1819; Harvey Firestone, 1868; Walter Sydney Adams, 1876; Susanne Langer, 1895; Irene Dunne, 1904; George Roy Hill, 1922; John Hillerman, 1932; Uri Geller, 1946.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1606 Captain John Smith and 120 colonists left London bound for America.
On this date in 1620 Samuel Fuller became the first doctor to arrive in New England.
On this date in 1699 Russia adjusted its calendar so New Year's Day would be January 1, not September 1.
On this date in 1803 the Louisiana Territory was formally transferred from France to the United States, which had purchased the territory for about $20 per square mile.
On this date in 1820 Missouri levied a $1 per year tax on bachelors between the ages of 20 and 50.
On this date in 1860 South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union.
On this date in 1880 Broadway became the Great White Way as hundreds of electric lights blazed to life between 12th and 26th Streets.
On this date in 1988 Teddy Andrews, age 7, was sworn in as Youth Commissioner for the city of Berkely, CA. I suppose they would be hard pressed to find a child who could do a worse job of governing than the adults...
On this date in 1989 renovations on the Sistine Chapel in Rome were completed.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The Louisiana Purchase nearly doubled the area of the United States... The Louisiana Territory consisted of more than 800,000 square miles extending from the Gulf of Mexico to Canada and from the west bank of the Mississippi to the Rockies... December is Bingo month. The popular game was created in 1929 by Edwin S. Lowe, a traveling toy salesman.
TRIVIA: Tomorrow is the anniversary of the debut of the first full-length animated film. Who "made" it and what was the title?
"The future is a great land; a man cannot go around it in a day; he cannot measure it with a bound; he cannot bind its harvests into a single sheaf. It is wider than vision, and has no end" (Donald G. Mitchell).
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Short and sweet today -- here is the Old Wives' Tale: YOU CAN SWEAT OUT A COLD. What about the notion that heavy sweating and opening up your pores to get rid of all kinds of toxins will actually 'sweat out a cold'? The answer, once again from the esteemed doctors on the editorial board of the University of California's Berkeley Wellness letter, is conveyed in just one word -- "NONSENSE!"
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Thanks to R&J K: Appropriate
An Arab was walking through the Sahara Desert, desperate for water. Finally he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab cried, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes with your robe."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about five miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, and he will give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind the card table.
The Jewish man said, "I told you the restaurant was about five miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right, but he wouldn't let me in without a tie..."
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From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if written by a technical writer for a firm that does US government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the Net for years. According to one visitor to this page, "...this piece was compiled by students at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City, South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from that year so I do know from whence and where it originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that I found it in about 1974 at the University of South Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station). Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of Mines."
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ANSWER: Walt Disney made the film, and it was SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS.
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Good Morning: It's Friday December 21, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Benjamin Disraeli, 1804; Joseph Stalin, 1879; Walter Hagen, 1892; Josh Gibson, 1911; Kurt Waldheim, 1918; Paul Winchell, 1922; Phil Donahue, 1935; Jane Fonda, 1937; Chris Evert, 1954; Florence Griffith-Joyner, 1959; Andrew Van Slyke, 1960.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1620 the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Mass.
On this date in 1909 the first Junior High School was established.
On this date in 1913 the crossword puzzle made its debut in the New York "World". It was compiled by Arthur Wynne.
On this date in 1937 Walt Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated film, premiered in Los Angeles.
On this date in 1968 APOLLO 8 blasted off. The mission would mark the first time anyone had seen the dark side of the moon.
On this date in 1987 penny-saver Warren Holdread bought a new car using pennies -- 284,500 pennies! He had been tossing pennies into a 55-gallon drum in his garage, proving that every little bit helps...
Today is the first day of winter.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Hubert H. Humphrey's middle name was Horatio... In 1876, Samuel J. Tilden, the Democratic presidential candidate received more popular votes than Republican Rutherford B. Hayes but lost the election when 22 disputed electoral votes were all awarded to Hayes... The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Ruth Cleveland, the youngest of five children of President and Mrs. Grover Cleveland... (Thanks to LM for the "meaningless facts").
TRIVIA: Who was the first musician and what instruments did he play?
"The whole earth is the tomb of heroic men and their story is not graven only on stone over their clay but abides everywhere without visible symbol, woven into the stuff of other men's lives" (Thucydides).
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Today's old wives' tale may make you chuckle a bit -- but I assure you that I have heard it and some hold it to be true: WEARING A CLOVE OF GARLIC AROUND YOUR NECK WILL KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SICK. Of course, it is also believed to keep vampires away (and with the exception of the vampire attacks I have seen on TV and in the movies, I can honestly say that I have never seen someone who was wearing garlic around their neck attacked by a vampire)... Really -- there is NO TRUTH to the garlic-around-the-neck myth.
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Thanks to G&L R: Christmas Party Memo
Of the same vain: S. Claus North Pole
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies
and Elves
Local #209
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Thanks to BC -- "OUR PATIENCE WILL WIN MORE THAN OUR FORCE." Bobby Cohoon North Carolina, USA [email protected]
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Thanks to LBS for an old favorite: Career Opportunity
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried,
but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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ANSWER: Jubal was the first musician, and we read of him in Genesis 4:21 -- "And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ." Moffatt has "lyre and pipe." The Hebrew words, kinnor and ugab, are difficult to translate, as about all that is known about them is that the former was a stringed instrument and the latter a wind instrument.
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Good Morning: It's Saturday December 22, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: James Oglethorpe, 1696; Frank Kellogg, 1856; Giacomo Puccini, 1858; Connie Mack, 1862; Claudia "Lady Bird" Johnson, 1912; Barbara Billingsley, 1922; Steve Carlton, 1944; Diane Sawyer, 1946; Steve Garvey, 1948; Jan Stephenson, 1951.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1440 Bluebeard was executed.
On this date in 1775 the British Parliament prohibited trade with the American colonies.
On this date in 1847 Congressman Abraham Lincoln of Illinois made his first speech in the House of Representatives.
On this date in 1937 the Lincoln Tunnel, which connects New York and New Jersey under the Hudson River, opened.
On this date in 1939 a coelacanth, a fish mistakenly believed by scientists to be extinct for more years than the earth has been here (65 million), was caught off the coast of South Africa. [Who says fishing is a waste of time???]
On this date in 1956 Colo became the first gorilla born in captivity.
On this date in 1988 in Barry County, Michigan, police cars and ambulances started carrying teddy bears to comfort young passengers.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Ambulance; is the French-origin word that means traveling hospital...Walter Brennan holds the record for: Supporting Actor Oscars; Come and get it (1936), Kentucky (1938), and The Westerner (1940)... Levi Strauss created the first pair of jeans in 1850. (Thanks to LM for todays' meaningless facts)
TRIVIA: Not mentioning my own feeble attempts at song leading, where in the Bible is music compared to vinegar on soda?
Another quote from a foreigner to start our day... "Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it" (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe).
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Today’s Old Wives' Tale: TAKING LARGE AMOUNTS OF VITAMIN C PREVENTS COLDS. As much as I dislike positively stated positions with only enough evidence to support a vaguely stated position, that is what we have here. The best we can say to this one is MAYBE. The controversy on this one has been raging since the 1970s when Nobel scientist Dr. Linus Pauling published research on vitamin C. Various studies have either refuted or supported its usefulness, and entire books have been written on the subject. The latest medical thinking seems to be that it may work for some people to reduce the severity of symptoms. The recommended daily intake of vitamin C is 250 mg., about the equivalent of seven servings of fruits and vegetables. The main issue with vitamin C (and other supplements) concerns the delivery method -- it would seem that there is just no substitute for getting vitamin C the old fashioned way, by eating fruits that contain it.
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Thanks to AK: Subject: Five Great Lessons
1 - Most Important Lesson During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.
Just before class ended, one student
asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely,"
said the professor.
"In your careers, you will meet
many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned that her name was Dorothy.
2 - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking & getting wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry but wrote down his address and thanked him.
Seven days went by, and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
3- Third Important Lesson- Remember Those Who Serve In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied."
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.
There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae
because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in Our Path In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many of
us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital a little girl was suffering from a rare and serious disease.
Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. You see, after all, understanding and attitude, are everything.
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ANSWER: Proverbs 25:20 (RV) -- "As one that taketh off a garment in cold weather, and as vincgar upon soda, so is he that singeth songs to a heavy heart." AV has "vinegar upon nitre."
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Good Morning: It's Sunday December 23, 2001!
Happy Birthday Phillip Williams!
BIRTHDAYS: Richard Arkwright (English inventor and manufacturer called 'the Father of the Factory System'), 1732; Joseph Smith, 1805; Jose Greco, 1918; Ruth Roman, 1924; Floyd Kalber, 1924; Emperor Akihito, 1933; Elizabeth Hartman, 1941; Jerry Koosman, 1942; Susan Lucci, 1949.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1783 George Washington, commander-in-chief of the Continental Army, retired to Mount Vernon.
On this date in 1788 the state of Maryland offered a 10-square-mile tract on the Potomac River as the Site for the National Government.
On this date in 1823 "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" was first published anonymously and without Clement Moore's knowledge.
On this date in 1893 the Opera Hansel and Gretel, by Engelbert Humperdinck, premiered.
On this date in 1913 the U.S. Federal Reserve System was established.
On this date in 1948 the transistor was invented by John Bardeen and Walter Brattain.
On this date in 1986 the experimental aircraft VOYAGER completed the first nonstop, unrefueled flight around the world.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Carl E. Stotz founded Little League baseball in 1920... George Herman Ruth was the given name of baseball legend Babe Ruth... The city of Houston, Texas was named for, Sam Houston, the first president of the Republic of Texas... (Thanks to LM for the meaningless facts!)
TRIVIA: In the New Testament, what instrument was played at a funeral?
On the weather and society -- "There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter" (Bat Masterson).
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Today's Old Wives' Tale section is devoted to VARIOUS NEW YEARS' DAY SUPERSTITIONS. Of course, there is no scientific evidence to back these up so we would have to say that they are NOT TRUE. Many people hold them, however, and they don't seem to injure anyone...
1. It is considered very bad luck to hang up a calendar or an almanac before sunup on New Year's Day.
2. An unexpected visitor on January 1 signifies that many others will come to the house during the year.
3. If the first visitor to cross the threshold on New Year's is a man the family may expect good luck, but if the first visitor is a woman the prospects are not so good.
4. A large number of visitors on New Year's is regarded as a favorable omen, though nobody seems to know just what sort of good fortune may be expected to follow such an invasion.
5. Whatever one does on January 1 is believed to be an indication of what he will be doing all the rest of the year.
6. A woman who washes clothes on New Year's is said to have nothing but hard work before her for all the year.
7. One superstition held that to do a washing on New Year's Day will cause the death of a relative before the year is out.
8. On the other hand, some people feel that it is well to be occupied with some useful task on New Year's Day, in the belief that if a person does not get something accomplished on that day he will be more or less 'idlesome' during the twelve months that follow.
9. Some people open their windows for a few minutes on New Year's Eve, just before midnight, no matter what the temperature or weather conditions. This is believed to let "bad luck" out and "good luck" in.
10. It is considered very important by many to have black-eyed peas and hog jowls for dinner on New Year's Day. Some hold that you must also place a dime under your plate, wear a pair of red garters, and you will have good luck the whole year.
11. Some hold that nothing should be taken out of the house on January 1 -- even a bucket of ashes from the stove is forbidden to be removed. The reason isn't clear, but it probably had something to do with the notion that January 1 was the whole year in microcosm -- therefore if people remove things (any things) on 01-01 then people will be removing things during a significant portion of the coming year.
12. Some hold that things may be carried out on New Year's Day provided you carry in things of greater value to take their place.
13. Some hold that whatever else you do, be sure to bring something into your residence on January 1 -- something good -- and the year will be filled with receiving valuable gifts.
14. A baby born on New Year's is thought to be forever lucky.
Now remember, these are just superstitions.
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From our archive -- Thanks to L.M.
for this one: THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
Twas the day after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin'
even the mouse.
The toys were all broken,
their batteries dead;
Santa passed out,
with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered
the floor,
while Upstairs the family continued
to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks
and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started
to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose
such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what
was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a
flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw
up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear,
But a little white truck, with
an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively
and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S.
POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned
like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into
our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they
still came.
Whistling and shouting he called
them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's,
now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and
Target's and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every
store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway
all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he
finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then
turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove
down the road,
Driving much faster with just half
a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great
holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT........YOU'LL
BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
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To My Faithful Funnies Friends
When you are sad
I will dry your tears
When you are scared
I will comfort your fears
When you are worried
I will give you hope
When you are confused
I will help you cope
and when you are lost
and can't see the light
I shall be your beacon
shining ever so bright
This is my oath
I pledge till the end
Why you may ask
because you're a friend.
In a friendship
We're free to expose,
Parts of ourselves
Nobody else knows.
But the thing that sustains it
And sets it apart,
Is not something spoken
It's a bond of the heart.
True friends are rare
In a lifetime two or three,
I'm so glad it happened
Between you and me!
-Author Unknown
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ANSWER: The fulte -- Matthew 9:23-24 (RV) -- "And when Jesus came into the ruler's house, and saw the flute-players, and the crowd making a tumult, he said, Give place: for the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth..."
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Good Morning: It's Monday December 24, 2001!
Happy Birthday George Blevins!
SPECIAL NOTE: Friends, we will not be mailing DAILY HUMOR from December 25-29, 2001. We will begin again, Lord Willing, December 30 and all should be normal thereafter. Please accept my sincere appreciation for the mail you send in -- as it is the bulk of material appearing on the list. The subscription base continues to grow and we are able to share in the humor and history of many people from many places. May your holiday season be safe and happy! See you in about a week. Tim
BIRTHDAYS: Kit Carson, 1809; James Joule, 1818; Howard Hughes, 1905; I.F. Stone, 1907; John Langstaff (children's author), 1920; Ava Gardner, 1922; Nicholas Meyer, 1946.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1492 Columbus's flagship, the SANTA MARIA, was wrecked on a reef off Haiti.
On this date in 1801 the American painter and naturalist Charles Wilson Peale exhibited a mounted skeleton of a Mastodon.
On this date in 1814 the War of 1812 ended when the U.S. and Great Britain signed the Treaty of Ghent.
On this date in 1818 Joseph Mohr, a preacher in Oberndorf, Germany, wrote the words for "Silent Night." Franz Gruber, the schoolmaster and organist, composed the music.
On this date in 1948 the first totally solar-heated home was completed in Dover, Mass.
On this date in 1968 the Apollo 8 astronauts broadcast a Christmas message while orbiting the moon.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Before Perry Como became a singing star his occupation was a barber... Georgia was the fourth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution... Baseball’s Cy Young’s given name was Denton True Young... (My continued thanks to LM for the meaningless facts!)
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From our Archive -- Thanks to L.M. for this seasonal one: The Christmas Gift
Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn't wear boots; he didn't like them and anyway he didn't own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother's Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don't have any money to spend." Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn't because his mother didn't care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far. What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity.
Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the household in their mother's absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn't fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing. Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn't easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to.
Bobby walked from shop to shop,
looking into each decorated window. Everything seemed so beautiful and
so out of reach. It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly
turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting
sun's rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down
and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as
Bobby felt at that moment. As he held his new found treasure, a warmth
spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he
saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that
he couldn't buy anything with only a dime.
He saw a flower shop and went inside
to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby
presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother's
Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering.
Then he put his hand on Bobby's shoulder and said to him, "You just wait
here and I'll see what I can do for you." As Bobby waited he looked at
the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers
and girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the last customer
left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby
began to feel alone and afraid.
Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There, before Bobby's eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby's heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box. "That will be ten cents young man," the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime! Sensing the boy's reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?" This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son."
As he returned inside, the shop keeper's wife walked out. "Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?" Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn't sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime. When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew Who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses." The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn't feel cold at all.
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