DailyHumorAugustFivetoEight

Good Morning: It's Sunday August 5, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Guy De Maupassant, 1850; Mary Beard, 1876; Aiken Conrad, 1899; Robert Bright, 1902; John Huston, 1906; Robert Taylor (the actor, not the preacher or the member here at Enon, both of whom go by the same name), 1911; Neil Armstrong, 1930; Sammi Smith, 1943; Loni Anderson, 1946; Erika Slezak, 1946; Patrick Ewing, 1962.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1833 Chicago was incorporated as a village with 43 houses and 200 people.
On this (dark) date in 1861 the U.S. Government levied an income tax for the first time.
On this date in 1864, in the midst of a civil-war battle (the Battle of Mobile Bay), said: "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"
On this date in 1872 dry goods salesman Montgomery Ward launched America's first mail-order business in Chicago. His first catalog was just a single sheet, offering 30 items for sale with a money-back guarantee for dissatisfied customers. In a year it grew to 4 pages with 394 items. By 1888 his annual catalog sales hit the $1 million mark.
On this date in 1884 the cornerstone of the Statue of Liberty was laid.
On this date in 1914 the first electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland.
On this date in 1924 the comic strip LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE first appeared in daily newspapers.
On this date in 1957 Dick Clark began hosting "American Bandstand" on ABC TV.
On this date in 1963 (the year before I was born) the United States, Britain, and the Soviet Union signed a treaty banning nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in space, and under water.
On this date in 1989 the observation deck of New York City's World Trade Center received its 20 millionth visitor.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: NOTE: FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL WEEKS I PLAN TO TAKE THE "MEANINGLESS FACTS" FROM RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT (the series of books by that name). A single playing card -- the 5 of diamonds -- was sold once for $13,750. The auction took place in London in 1880. The card was costly because its back was decorated with an original miniature, a masterpiece painted by Hans Holbein, the celebrated court painter of Henry VIII... The Agbede of Africa punish murder by a total loss of identity. The murderer is condemned to assume the identity of his victim, assumes his personality, receives all his property -- including marriage to his widow -- and takes over his position and dignities... A single pail of water can produce enough fog to cover 105 square miles to a depth of 50 feet.
TRIVIA: If you had a trillion brand new one dollar bills, and if you had nothing better to do, and if you stacked them one on top of the other, how many miles high would the stack be?
"Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys" (Bob Collins). Unfortunately, these days he might be correct! Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned American work-ethic???...
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Thanks to JLH: Here's the next installment of 367 ways to know if you are a Redneck.

101. You clean your nails with a stick.
102. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
104. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
105. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
107. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
108. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
110. You've ever bought a used cap.
111. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
112. You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
113. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
114. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
115. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
116. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
117. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
118. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
119. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
120. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
121. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
122. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
123. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
125. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
126. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
127. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
128. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
131. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
134. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
135. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
136. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
137. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
139. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
140. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
142. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
143. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
144. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
145. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
146. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
147. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
148. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
149. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
150. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

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Thanks to JLH: A Cowboy's Prayer
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled, gray and dense,
As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart,
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us would do, if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life, and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyomin'.

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
[Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.]
So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three,
Nobody was keepin' score-in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Peter, "that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help, and, well, He just plain wasn't there.
Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --- I know all men are brothers.

Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now I just ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell me-what the heck's the deal?"

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That day your truck wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a-flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.

A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake - - - we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.
And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in South Dakota.

... So remember to keep in touch.
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ANSWER: The stack would be 69,000 miles high.
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Good Morning: It's Monday August 6, 2001!
SPECIAL ENON BIRTHDAY: Rob Taylor!
BIRTHDAYS: Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809; Alexander Fleming, 1881; sociologist Scott Nearing, 1883; Norma Faber, 1909; Lucille Ball, 1911; Robert Mitchum, 1917; Freddie Laker, 1922; Peter Bonerz, 1938; Frank Asch, 1946; Catherine Hicks, 1951; David Robinson, 1965.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1497 John Cabot first returned from the "New World". He had traveled on the MATTHEW. Licensed by Great Britain's Henry VII, Cabot had sailed to the New World and claimed Nova Scotia in the name of his mentor as he planted the Tudor flag on its shores. The entire voyage cost the king 10 pounds, plus an annuity of 20 pounds to Cabot.
On this date in 1825 Bolivia declared its independence from Spain.
On this date in 1926 Warner Bros. Studios premiered the first talking pictures. Called Vitaphone films, the shorts contained live sound: actors could finally be heard as well as seen. All of a sudden, silent-screen actors had to worry about their voices -- not just their looks -- and they had to memorize their lines.
On this date in 1926 Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel.
On this date in 1945 from the ENOLA GAY, American forces dropped a bomb on Hiroshima, Japan. Albert Einstein said, in reference to the devastation of the bombing, "If I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
On this date in 1962 Jamaica gained its independence after more than three centuries as a British possession.
On this date in 1965 President Lyndon Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act, protecting the rights of black voters.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Waconda Springs, Kansas, 600 miles from the sea, has salt water and a tide that rises and falls exactly as the ocean... The sea otter inhabits the water without ever getting wet. It has two coats of fur instead of the usual one and thereby stays dry, sort of... Queen Isabeau of France (1371-1435) was the first woman in history (at least recorded history that has survived to date) to wear lingerie.
TRIVIA: What incredible automobile record was set in 1930 by Charles Creighton and James Hargis?
     Marvin Kitman offered one for the cowards, "If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?"
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Thanks to DA: PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Thanks to DA: QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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Thanks to DA: Questions
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner? Gave him the cold shoulder.
What game do little cannibals like to play at parties? Swallow the leader.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? He wanted a light snack.
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? To see if she was his type.
Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack-quack?" Count Duckula.
What kind of dog does Dracula own? A blood hound.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty? Tired blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep? Because of his coffin.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.
What did the little ghost's mom give him for lunch? A boo-loney sandwich.
What do baby ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts serve for desert? I scream.
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ANSWER: In 1930 Charles Creighton and James Hargis drove cross country without stopping the engine of their Model A roadster. After arriving in Los Angeles they immediately drove back to New York, completing the 7,180 mile round trip in 42 days -- oh yes, they did it completely in reverse!!!
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Good Morning: It's Tuesday August 7, 2001!
SPECIAL ENON ANNIVERSARY: We congratulate Georgia and Ernest Brackin on their wedding anniversary today!!!
BIRTHDAYS: Nathanael Green (Revolutionary War General), 1742; Carl Ritter (German geographer considered one of the founders of modern geographic science), 1779; Louis S.B. Leakey (English anthropologist and paleontologist), 1903; Ralph Bunche, 1904; Stan Freberg, 1926; Betsy Byars (children's author), 1928; Garrison Keillor, 1942; B. J. Thomas, 1942; Lana Cantrell, 1943; Alberto Salazar, 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1782 George Washington established the Badge of Military Merit (Purple Heart) to honor wounded soldiers.
On this date in 1789 the War Department was created.
On this date in 1794 President George Washington issued a proclamation telling a group of Western Pennsylvanian farmers to go peacefully back to their homes and to stop their Whiskey Rebellion. The proclamation wasn't enough, and a month later he had to make another one and send federal troops to disperse the farmers.
On this date in 1873 pioneers Eliza and Jonathan Tibbetts were given 2 young, seedless naval orange trees by U.S. Agriculture Department horticulturist William Saunders. The Tibbetts planted the two budded saplings, imported from Bahai, Brazil, on their farm in Riversdale, CA. The plants flourished and gave birth to California's prosperous orange industry.
On this date in 1882 the feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted. It actually grew out of events from a few years earlier, when Randolph McCoy accused Floyd Hatfield of stealing a hog. During the election of 1882 three McCoy's fataly stabbed Ellison Hatfield.
On this date in 1888 Thophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia received the patent for the revolving door.
On this date in 1927 the International Peace Bridge, commemorating long-lasting peace between the United States and Canada, was dedicated. It connects Buffalo, NY and Fort Erie, Ontario.
On this date in 1942 the Battle of Guadalcanal took place.
On this date in 1959 the United States launched EXPLORER VI, which took the first pictures of earth from space.
On this date in 1963 the U.N called on the South African government to abandon Apartheid.
On this date in 1964 the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution was passed.
On this date in 1990 president George H. W. Bush ordered a military buildup in the Persian Gulf following the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. The operation was called DESERT SHEILD.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Steel wool burns faster than sheeps wool... The British Bar still wears mourning for Queen Mary II who died in 1694. Her widower, King William III, directed that all British lawyers don silk robes and black court dress as mourning garb, and the order has been followed to the present day... The wig worn by both Bench and Bar in Great Britain is a memento of the peruke worn by the Duke of Marlborough -- Winston Churchill's ancestor.
TRIVIA: Louis Armstrong had 4 top 40 hits appear on "Billboard" charts. How many of them can you name?
     Garrison Keillor, host of NPR's A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION, said, "It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut; they couldn't hear the barbarians coming." Of course, he is a comic and not a strict-historian...
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Thanks to DA: SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFESTYLE IS UNHEALTHY
- You go to give blood and two gallons of pure lard come out.
- You get winded from exercising your right to vote.
- When you go to McDonald's, they give you your usual table.
- The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fix the rat problem.
- When your teeth are so yellow, you can't tell where they end and the mashed corn begins.
- Your blood type is "Smirnoff."
- Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, the Betty Ford Center, and the Psychic Friends Network.
- 911 has you on their speed dial.
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: ....... A Friend....

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you, even the unfinished parts
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

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From a friend: Idiot Test
Have fun with this test and see how many you can get right
1. This is mainly for wind up alarm clocks if you went to bed at 8 at night and set the alarm to get up at 9 in the morning, how many hours of sleep would this permit you to have?
2.Do they have a 4th of July in England?
3. Why can't a man living in Winston Salem, NC be buried west of the Mississippi River?
4. How many birthdays does the average man have?
5. If you had only 1 match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil burner and a wood stove, which would you light first? (DUH)
6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31 how many have 28?
7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills, told you to take one every half hour how long would they last
8. A man builds a house with 4 sides to it and it is rectangle in shape. Each side had a southern exposure. A big bear came walking by what color was the bear?
9. How far can a dog run into the woods?
10. I have in my hand 2 United States coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
11. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. how many did he have left?
12. 2 men playing checkers played 5 games each, and each man won the same number of games. How can you figure this?
13. Take 2 apples from 3 apples and what do you have?
14. An archeologist claimed that he found some old coins dated 46 B.C. Do you think he did? ( think about it)
15. A woman gives a begger 50 cents. The woman is the beggars sister but the beggar is not the woman's brother How come?
16. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with Him?
17. What 4 words appear on every denomination of US coins?
18. Is it legal in North Carolina for a man to marry his widowed sister? (DUH)
19. Where was Walter Scott when he wrote the Star Spangled Banner?
Answers -- Tomorrow
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ANSWER: Satchmo scored big with "A Theme from the Three Penny Opera", better known as "Mack the Knife" in 1956; "Blueberry Hill", 1956; "Hello Dolly", 1964 and "What a Wonderful World", 1988 although he recorded it in 1967.
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Good Morning: It's Wednesday August 8, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Charles Bulfinch (American architect who designed the State Houses of Massachusetts, Maine, and Connecticut and who succeeded Benjamin Latrobe as architect of the U.S. Capitol), 1763; Nathaniel Brown Palmer (American sea captain believed to be the first explorer to sight Antarctica), 1799; Matthew Henson, 1866; Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings (children's author), 1896; Dino DeLaurentis, 1919; Esther Williams, 1923; Mel Tillis, 1932; Dustin Hoffman, 1937; Connie Stevens, 1938; Keith Carradine, 1950.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1588 under Sir Francis Drake, the English fleet destroyed the Spanish Armada off the coast of France.
On this date in 1786 the silver dollar and the decimal system of money were adopted by an act of Congress.
On this date in 1911 membership of the House of Representatives was fixed at 435.
On this date in 1949 the Battle of Britain began. It was also known as "The Blitz". The German Air Force waged a sustained series of daytime air attacks against both British home territory and the Royal Air Force. Their targets were not strictly limited to airfields or army bases. They rained bombs on British cities as well.
On this date in 1950 President Harry S Truman said, "Once a government is committed to silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear."
On this date in 1963 "The Great Train Robbery" netted $7 million for a gang of British crooks.
On this date in 1974 Richard M. Nixon, faced with impeachment and trial for his role in the Watergate scandal, became the first American president to resign as the nation's chief executive. In a month's time his successor, Gerald Ford, provided him with another presidential first by pardoning him for crimes he might have committed in office.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A husband in the Pachai caste of India may divorce his wife by picking up a straw and breaking it in two... A perfectly polished billiard ball is less smooth than the face of the earth. If the ball were enlarged to the size of the globe, it would be more uneven than the earth's exterior... A flock of geese is a gaggle as long as they stay on the ground. As soon as they take to the air they are a Skein.
TRIVIA: Where did Henry Heinz get the number "57" for his famous slogan "57 Varieties"?
     Joe Cook said, "Of all my wife's relations I like myself the best." You might be careful when and where you quote that one...
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Answers to yesterdays Idiot Test:

1. 1 hour
2. yes
3. Can't bury a living man
4. 1
5. The Match
6. 12
7. 1 hour
8. White
9. 1\2 then he is running out
10. 50 cent piece and a nickel
11. 9
12. They didn't play each other
13. 2 apples
14. no
15. The beggar is a woman
16. Moses didn't have the Ark
17. In God We Trust
18. No
19. Walter Scott didn't write the Star Spangled Banner

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Thanks to LS:   Subject: Bill of Rights
The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. I hope this guy runs for President: "We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bedwetters. We
hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right never to be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right physically to harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you locked away for good.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time that common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
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From a friend: The Building
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.
When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you."
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.
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ANSWER: Even back in 1892 when the pickle potentate cooked up the slogan, the company was making far more products than that. He was simply fascinated by the number 57 and felt it was lucky for him. It was, apparently, and for dozens of heirs as well. You might say the whole family relishes the number...
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