DailyHumorAprilTwentySevenOOne

Good Morning: It's Friday April 27, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Samuel Morse, 1791; Ulysses S. Grant, 1822; Jack Klugman, 1922; Coretta Scott King, 1927; Casey Kasem, 1932; Anouk Aimee, 1934; Sandy Dennis, 1937; Sheena Easton, 1959.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1897 U.S. Grant made a posthumous move to his permanent residence in Grant's Tomb, New York City.
On this date in 1937 the U.S. Social Security System made its first benefit payments.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: A popular breakfast of Ulysses Grant's was a cucumber soaked in vinegar... Samuel Morse actually made his living as a portrait painter... The message keyed on the first telegraph line in the United States was, "What hath God wrought?"
TRIVIA: Is the tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
Here is a commentary on modern-day communication: "Stay humble. Always answer the phone -- no matter who else is in the car" (Jack Lemmon). On to the real stuff...
*******************************************************
From GCFL: Big John
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
*******************************************************
From MOUTHPIECE:
Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
*****
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

******
The Hearing Aid
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats: If Tomorrow Never Comes..

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in tighter
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say love you,
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything right.
There will always be another day
to say our," I love you's,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our, " Anything I can do's?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So always hold them dear.
Take time to say I'm sorry, Please forgive
me, Thank you, or It's okay.
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
*******************************************************
Thanks to AB: Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA..... Keep this circulating.....on your computer made in (???)
*******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: This should be published in every newspaper in the country!!!
Number of physicians in the U.S. - 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year - 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician - 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US - 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner - 0.0000188
Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
"Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has @ least one doctor."
Taken from the Benton County News Tribune on the seventeenth of November, 1999.
*******************************************************
ANSWER: It is a case of you say "tomato" and I say "tomahto". Botanists classify the tomato as a fruty but the United States Supreme Court has settled the matter, legally ruling it a vegetable.
*******************************************************
Back To Gradowiths Homepage!

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws