Good Morning: It's Saturday
April 21, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: Charlotte Bronte, 1816; Josh Billings,
1818; Anthony Quinn, 1916; Queen Elizabeth II, 1926; Charles Grodin, 1935;
Iggy Pop, 1947; Tony Danza, 1951.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 753 B.C., according to tradition, Rome
was founded. I didn't say it was built in a day, just founded...
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Walter Hunt invented the safety
pin in 1849... Lawrence Welk's bubble machine was invented by N.A. Fisher...
In addition to inventing dynamite, Alfred Nobel was the pioneer of plywood.
TRIVIA: What was the name of the right fielder
in Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First" routine?
Here is a Josh Billings (birthday-boy)
quote to start our Saturday off right: "Nature never makes any blunders;
when she makes a fool, she means it." On to the real stuff...
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Thanks to LBS: Stupid People Signs
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,
"I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't
ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't
see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full
of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes
over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once
or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of
mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer
of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery
Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only
one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us
if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I
don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one
of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks
at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy
came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We
get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, "That's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign,
I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck
and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through
his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing
a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!
I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said,
"No I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
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From a friend: The 10 Commandments of E-mail
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou
needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou
sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy
message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical
purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially
from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread
it in the light of the dawn.
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From a friend: Strength of a Mother
A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in
shape ... but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in
shape...
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ... but a woman
of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ...but
a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone...
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in
the future... a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be
God's blessings and capitalizes on them...
A strong woman walks sure footedly... but a woman of
strength knows God will catch her when she falls...
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face
... but a woman of strength wears grace...
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for
the journey ... but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey
that she will become strong...
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Thanks to AB:
The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads
In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
FREE PUPPIES: =BD COCKER SPANIEL - BD SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S
DOG
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT
AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM
WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger,
PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988
MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT
URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR
2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE
HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT-SHARING
AND FLEXIBLE HOURS STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN
LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER,
$300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE &
DONUTS
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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ANSWER: The right fielder was not mentioned in
the routine. Rounding out the lineup -- Who was on first; What was
on second; the third baseman was I Don't Know; I Don't Give a Darn (or,
sometimes, I Don't Care) was at shortstop; the catcher was Today; Tomorrow
was the pitcher; in left field was Why; and in center was Because.
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