BIRTHDAYS: Eve Arden, 1907; Corinne Calvet, 1926; Cloris Leachman, 1930; Willie Nelson, 1933; Gary Collins, 1938; Jill Clayburgh, 1944; Al Toon, 1963.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1789 George Washington was sworn in as President of the United States on the balcony of Federal Hall in New York City. Perhaps one of the most memorable lines in political history was spoken that day: "The foundation of our national policy will be laid in the pure and immutable principles of private morality."
On this date in 1798 the U.S. Department of the Navy was established.
On this date in 1803 the United States doubled in size through the Louisiana Purchase.
On this date in 1889 the first George Washington Bridge opened, linking New York City and the state of New Jersey.
On this date in 1900 John Luther
Jones, whose nickname came from his hometown of Cayce, Kentucky died while
bravely staying at the controls of the Illinois Central railroad's Cannonball
Express as it crashed into the caboose of a freight train, thereby inspiring
many a legend and famous folk song.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: Lampoon is a French phrase meaning "Let's drink!"... Robot comes from the Czech for slave... P.T. Barnum coined the phrase "Siamese twins".
TRIVIA: Which two states have names that come from the Sioux word meaning "friend"?
Kin Hubbard said, "A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed." Anyway, on to the real material!
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Thanks to a friend: Speeding (John R. Thomas)
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. The flashing red in his rearview mirror insisted he pull over quickly, but Jack let the car coast. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
He slumped into his seat, the collar of his trench coat covering his ears. He tapped the steering wheel, doing his best to look bored, his eyes on the mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little too eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jack was tempted to leave the window shut long enough to gain the psychological edge but decided on a different tack. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -- just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct," Bob said.
Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?" asked Jack.
"Seventy-one. Would you sit back in your car, please?" Bob said.
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lies seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.
A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.
Bob returned to his car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror, bottom teeth scratching his upper lip. When Bob vanished inside his car, Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
"Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter.
She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it -- a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his
daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to
wait until heaven before I can ever hug her again.
A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left. -Bob"
Jack shifted uncomfortably in his trench coat. Then he twisted around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he, too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived. Copyright © John R. Thomas All Rights Reserved
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Thanks to my sister: (Due to editing, somewhat less than) 40 things you won't hear from a Southern Born Male
39. I'll take Shakespeare
for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should
sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it,
I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep firearms
in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the
sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to
the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was
tacky.
31. No kids in the back of
the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that
donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is
too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit
and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need
another dog.
24. Who cares who won the
Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag
of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract
from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty
habit.
20. I just couldn't find
a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that
steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better
than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck
are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula
and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the
C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes
better.
13. Would you like your fish
poached or broiled?
12. My fiance Bobbie Jo,
is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of
Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes
have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
7. Does the salad bar
have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode
of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite
college team.
4. Be sure to bring
my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
1. Nope, no more for
me. I'm drivin'
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ANSWER: North and South Dakota
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