Good Morning: It's Tuesday April
10, 2001!
http://DailyHumorArchive.listbot.com http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
BIRTHDAYS: Joseph Pulitzer, 1847; Harry Morgan,
1915; Chuck Connors, 1924; Max Von Sydow, 1929; Michael Shalhoub (Omar
Sharif), 1932; John Madden, 1936; "Dandy" Don Meredith, 1938.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1790 the U.S. Patent law was approved.
On this date in 1849 the safety pin was patented.
On this date in 1866 the American Society for the prevention
of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was chartered.
On this date in 1912 the "unsinkable" Titanic set sail
on her ill-fated first and final voyage.
On this date in 1945 the Buchenwald concentration camp
was liberated.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The Flintstones live at 345
Stone Cave Road in Bedrock... In "I Love Lucy" the Ricardos lived at 623
East 68th Street in Manhattan... 1 Cherry Street in New York City was home
to George Washington as it was the first U.S. Presidential address.
TRIVIA: Which of the following is false regarding
the kangaroo? A. If you hold a kangaroo by its tail, it cannot jump.
B. A group of kangaroos is known as a mob. C. The leader of a group
is referred to as the captain kangaroo.
Here is an optimistic quote:
"Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?" (Laura Walker).
OK, maybe optimistic was an exaggeration... On to the real material:
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From a friend: 1. I Forget Often
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came
in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did
was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually
worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or
whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going
to do once I get there - if I get there. So I really need your help. What
can I do?"
The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered
in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
********
2. TITLE
A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's
room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed
and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't
think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters
of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."
*************
3. Foolish Pilot
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show
who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching
a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to
the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
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Thanks to LBS:
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is
a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: the original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled
words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1789. All
Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not
understand?
12. The second amendment is in place in case they ignore
the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace. No guns, no peace.
16. You don't shoot to kill, you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs
safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens
tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight
for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make
more.
24. When you remove the peoples right to bear arms, you
create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened
if the colonists had submitted to gun control laws.
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Thanks to GB:
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft
as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section:
Floors, sweeping of).
After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed
on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I
can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work
on your first day."
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither
in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address.
To this the MS manager replies: "Well, then, that really
means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to
be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at
the supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly
at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends
up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily
make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day
and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in
quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly
afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the
owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred
former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides
to buy some life insurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance
plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation,
the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward
the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser
is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed
to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just
imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from
the very start!"
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied:
"Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"
Morals of the story:
1: The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to
rule your life.
2: Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.
3: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still
become a millionaire.
4: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're
probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
5: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already
being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
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ANSWER: C -- this was a gimme...
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