Good Morning:
It's Monday April 9, 2001!
BIRTHDAYS: W.C.Fields, 1879;
Paul Robeson, 1898; Hugh Hefner, 1932; Jean-Paul Belmondo, 1933; Michael
Learned, 1939; Dennis Quaid, 1954.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1105 Great Britain's
King Henry I and his entire court were reprimanded for their long hair
by Bishop Serlo of Seiz during the Easter service.
On this date in 1865 Lee surrendered
to Grant at Appomattox Courthouse, ending the Civil War.
On this date in 1953 the first
issue of "TV Guide" was published.
On this date in 1965 the Houston
Astrodome opened in Houston, Texas.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: W.C.Fields
kept his library in his bathroom... Elvis Presley had a reading chair in
his bathroom... While married, Sonny and Cher sometimes communicated by
writing to each other in a diary - left in their bathroom.
TRIVIA: Which movie has won
the most Oscars?
Mr. Anonymous
said, "Every year it takes less time to fly across the ocean and longer
to drive to work." I hope you have a nice Monday...
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From a friend: What happens
when you fall in love with:
A chef: You get buttered up.
A chauffeur: You get taken for
a ride.
A gambler: He cheats on you.
A telephone operator: He gives
you a phone-y line.
A trashman: He dumps you.
A clock maker: He two-times you.
A pastry cook: He desserts you.
A shoe salesman: He walks all over
you.
An elevator operator: He lets you
down.
An artist: He gives you the brush.
A jogger: He gives you the run-around.
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Thanks to Mike Avery: NOW
EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME:
"I won't get bad luck, lose my
friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop
up screen if don't forward this. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money,
Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're
supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even
if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people. I will NEVER receive
gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel,
or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who the hell
I am anyway.
I will NEVER see a pop up window
if I forward this....NEVER!!!! My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after
I forward this. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this
to 10 or more people. There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish
program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 yrs old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE POSTCARDS,
CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!
The government does not have a
bill in congress called 901B(or whatever they named it this week) that
if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e- mail.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character,
or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are
just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.
The American Red Cross will not donate
50 cents to a certain individual
dying of some never heard of before disease for every email address I send
this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my
friends for fear they will think I am not their friend...or by telling
me I have no conscience or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST. If God wants
to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before
He picks up a PC to pass it along... but even if it does come by e-mail,
HE will send me one at which point I'm SURE I will know it will be from
HIM. AND if He does, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying
forwarded's in it!"
Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself
until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your
friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next
3 months.
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From CLEAN LAUGHS:
"For those who may not know this:
When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking
to the groom." - David Gunter
"We are living in a world today
where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is
made with real lemons." --Alfred E. Newman
"Nobody believes the official spokesperson,
but everybody trusts an unidentified source." -Ron Nesen
*****
On a visit to the library I happened
to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures,
apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the
woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point
where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide
gestures.
Finally, looking strained, her
companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and
slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
*****
Fresh out of high school, I found
a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties,
I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as
well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find
two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly
picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the
same thing happened.
That afternoon my employer came
into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around,
she eyed the bookcase. "Tricky," she asked the dog, "how in the world do
you keep getting your bones up there?"
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From a friend:
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Plug its nose!
How much did it cost the pirate
to get his ears pierced? A BUC-AN-EER!
What is the difference between
broccoli and boogies? Little kids don't like to eat broccoli!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Pete and Repeat were brothers.
One day they were walking along a bridge and Pete fell off. Who was
left? Answer: Repeat! Okay, Pete and Repeat were brothers....
Knock Knock Who's there? Interrupting
Cow! Interrupting C-- MOO!!! (say that one aloud to understand it better)
Quote of the Week:
"There will be time, there will
be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.... And time
yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-T.S.
Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
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From a friend:
One reason the Services have trouble
operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel
to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the
building so no one could enter.
Marines would attack the building.
The Air Force, on the other hand,
would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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ANSWER: "Ben Hur", 11.
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