Good Morning: It's Tuesday April 9, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: W.C.Fields, 1879; Paul Robeson, 1898; Hugh Hefner,
1932; Jean-Paul Belmondo, 1933; Michael Learned, 1939; Dennis Quaid, 1954;
Seve Ballesteros (Spanish golfer), 1957.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1105 Great Britain's King Henry I and his entire
court were reprimanded for their long hair by Bishop Serlo of Seiz during
the Easter service.
On this date in 1833 America's first free public library opened
in Peterborough, N.H. It was supported by public taxes.
On this date in 1859 Mark Twain (Samuel Clements) obtained a license
to pilot steamboats on the Mississippi River.
On this date in 1865 Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox Courthouse,
ending the Civil War.
On this date in 1941 the Golf Hall of Fame was established in
Palm Beach Gardens, FL.
On this date in 1947 sunspots were large enough to be visible
to the naked eye.
On this date in 1953 the first issue of "TV Guide" was published.
On this date in 1959 NASA announced the selection of America's
first seven astronauts.
On this date in 1963 former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill
was made an honorary U.S. citizen.
On this date in 1965 the Houston Astrodome opened in Houston,
Texas. Special honored guests were President and Mrs. Lyndon Johnson.
On this date in 1985 Thomas Bradley became the first mayor of
Los Angeles to win a fourth term of office.
Today is Appomattox Day.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: The male black widow spider is harmless
to man (that hasn't, however, done much for its popularity)... Daniel Webster's
brain weighed 53 1/2 ounces... By the time a whale has reached one year of
age it has become as large as its mother.
TRIVIA: In the Bible, what king imported apes and peacocks?
"Life being what it is, one dreams of
revenge" (Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec).
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Thanks for the help...
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her
purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former
employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for
helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
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Archive: What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef: You get buttered up.
A chauffeur: You get taken for a ride.
A gambler: He cheats on you.
A telephone operator: He gives you a phone-y line.
A trashman: He dumps you.
A clock maker: He two-times you.
A pastry cook: He desserts you.
A shoe salesman: He walks all over you.
An elevator operator: He lets you down.
An artist: He gives you the brush.
A jogger: He gives you the run-around.
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Obviously one of my favorites, this time from MAK: Coffee
in Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought
her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously
waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother
had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down
the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom
of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys
be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's
like on TV...The best part of waking is soldiers in your cup".
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Thanks to LBS: Old Indian Trick
Recently a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete's
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally
he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night)
flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany
me To the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Aye!!!! Old tribal trick--enit!!?
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From a friend: Butt Prints In The Sand
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine, were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared...
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat.
But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone,
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know...
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life there comes a time
When one must fight, and one, must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
Author Unknown
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Thanks to PW: Church Football
Half-Time The break between Bible classes and the preaching
portion.
Blitz The rush for the door after the closing prayer.
Sudden Death When the preacher goes five minutes over his
normal time.
Back-Field Motion Those in the back moving and talking during
the sermon.
Huddle The little groups we gather in following services
that prevent us from greeting visitors.
Personal Foul When the preacher says anything to offend
me.
Clipping Tearing down a person when their back is turned.
Time-Out Leaving unnecessarily during the services.
2-Minute Warning When the preacher begins his invitation
signaling everyone to grab their song books.
Half Back The number of people to return on Sunday evening.
Quarterback The number of people to return on Wednesday
evening.
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ANSWER: Solomon -- I Kings 10:22 -- "For the king had at
sea a navy of Tharshish with the navy of Hiram: once in three years
came the navy of Tharshish, bring gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and
peacocks."
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Good Morning: It's Wednesday April 10, 2002!
BIRTHDAYS: Joseph Pulitzer, 1847; Frances Perkins (first
woman to serve in a U.S. cabinet post, secretary of labor under Franklin
D. Roosevelt), 1880; Eric Mowbray Knight (English author who wrote LASSIE
COME HOME), 1897; Harry Morgan, 1915; Chuck Connors, 1924; Max Von Sydow,
1929; Michael Shalhoub (Omar Sharif), 1932; John Madden, 1936; "Dandy" Don
Meredith, 1938; David Adler (children's author), 1947.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
On this date in 1790 the U.S. Patent law was approved.
On this date in 1849 the safety pin was patented.
On this date in 1866 the American Society for the prevention of
Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was chartered.
On this date in 1872 Nebraska celebrated the first Arbor Day by
planting more than a million trees.
On this date in 1892 the Tuberculosis Society was founded in Philadelphia.
On this date in 1912 the "unsinkable" Titanic set sail on her
ill-fated first and final voyage.
On this date in 1924 Simon and Schuster published the first crossword
puzzle book.
On this date in 1945 the Buchenwald concentration camp was liberated.
On this date in 1946 Japanese women voted for the first time.
On this date in 1953 THE HOUSE OF WAX, the first feature-length
3-D movie, premiered in New York City.
MEANINGLESS FACTS: In 1913, the tax on a four-thousand-dollar
annual income was one penny... Voltaire was said to have consumed seventy
cups of coffee every day... A chicken grows more than eight thousand feathers
in its life.
TRIVIA: Which of the following is false regarding the kangaroo?
A. If you hold a kangaroo by its tail, it cannot jump. B. A group of
kangaroos is known as a mob. C. The leader of a group is referred to
as the captain kangaroo.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have
little or no influence on society" (Mark Twain).
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Not Home Yet
An old missionary couple had been working in Africa for years
and were returning to New York to retire. They had no pension; their health
was broken; they were defeated, discouraged, and afraid. They discovered
they were booked on the same ship as President Teddy Roosevelt, who was returning
from one of his big-game hunting expeditions. No one paid any attention to
them. They watched the fanfare that accompanied the President's entourage,
with passengers trying to catch a glimpse of the great man. As the ship moved
across the ocean, the old missionary said to his wife, "Something is wrong."
"Why should we have given our lives in faithful service for God
in Africa all these many years and have no one care a thing about us?
Here this man comes back from a hunting trip and everybody makes much over
him, but nobody gives two hoots about us."
"Dear, you shouldn't feel that way", his wife said.
He replied "I can't help it; it doesn't seem right."
When the ship docked in New York, a band was waiting to greet
the President. The mayor and other dignitaries were there. The papers were
full of the President's arrival. No one noticed this missionary couple. They
slipped off the ship and found a cheap flat on the East Side, hoping the
next day to see what they could do to make a living in the city.
That night the man's spirit broke. He said to his wife, "I can't
take this; God is not treating us fairly".
His wife replied, "Why don't you go in the bedroom and tell that
to the Lord?"
A short time later he came out from the bedroom, but now his face
was completely different. His wife asked, "Dear, what happened?"
"The Lord settled it with me", he said. "I told Him how bitter
I was that the President should receive this tremendous homecoming, when
no one met us as we returned home. And when I finished, it seemed as though
the Lord put His hand on my shoulder and simply said; "But you're not home
yet."
Author Unknown
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From a friend -- MONEY
It can buy a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy a Book,
But not Knowledge.
It can buy Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy Sex,
But not Love.
So you see, money is not everything. And it often causes
pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend.
And as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering. So
send me all your Money, and I will suffer for you. Cash is fine!!
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- The Rules (the cat's version)
BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything, just sit there and stare. If they
beat you to the bathroom and get the door closed before you get in, see the
next paragraph.
DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
the door open, simply stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about
several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering". The following are rules for hampering:
a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book - unless you can lie across the book itself.
c. When human is working at computer, jump on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lie in human's lap across
arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in
their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick around
as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking
that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
his/her face, turn around, present your derriere to him/her and refuse to
move away or to the side. Humans love this so do it often. Don't
forget to please the guests in this same manner.
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- My Bucket's Got A Hole In It
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take
a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared?
He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the
water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in
front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted
to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I
can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what
I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
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ANSWER: C -- this was a gimme...
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