I can't remember clearly when I stopped expecting anything of people.

It might have been that last boyfriend I dated in pretense simply to get my mother to shut up about my single life crisis (which wasn't a crisis at the time).

I didn't want anything from him. He was my beard, my gay husband, my fake boyfriend. I didn't care what he did for me, so anything he did do was something of a treat.

Since I've had no expectations I haven't really been let down by other people. I don't put up an impossible bar for them to jump over. I don't put up any bar, so any amount that I get back is a great success and everyone's happy.

Everyone but me.

Maybe I should raise my standards again. Maybe I should start expecting more. Maybe I should expect more of myself.

The anger and the angst would really have to go if I was going to be a better person.

Self-improvement. I scoffed at the idea really, even as I attempted to embrace it, which entirely defeated either purpose.

I could write a self-help book about self-help and what a crock of shit it all is.

Why was I so dissatisfied with everything?

Yes, my life was pretty shitty at the moment. Yes, I was cranky and miserable and in another lifetime I imagine I was a goth that attempted suicide forty times before I got it right. Yes, a lot of this had to do with my perspective on life and a wise teacher once told me that when life looks shitty you're looking at it from the wrong fucking angle.

I'm sorry to say that shortly after that very same wise teacher got fired. He just smiled and laughed and said, "Well, I guess I was wrong. Sometimes life just is shitty."

But I think he had the right idea. Maybe it wasn't so much everyone else's problem as it was mine. Maybe I had to stop pussy-footing around and do something to make a difference or to be somebody.

I think that was the first time I ever considered trying to be somebody. Before then it was just, keep your head down and get through it as quick as possible, but what kind of life was that? That was no life.

I couldn't change the world just by thinking. I had to do. The pieces were in place. I had been doing. It didn't feel like it because nothing was happening, but when that final piece clicked into place...

Intermission