A/N: This little nugget of insanity was mined at approximately 5 am, the Sunday morning after HBP came out, while I was mowing greens at a golf course. I’m not sure I remember how it came about, but I thought it was pretty funny. Too little sleep, I’m afraid, contributed to some of the jokes.
The characters are not mine, they are JKRs. The
recognizable dialogue is not mine, it belongs to Warner Brothers and the
Epstein brothers, except for one line, which belongs to the musical Chicago.
-- -- -- --
(Exterior, Train Station, Night. Sign on the platform reads “Casawarta”. Black and white. Harry and Ginny are on the platform, dressed a la Bogie and Ingie, and the train is getting ready to leave.)
HARRY: Ginny, if you don’t…
GINNY: (Interrupting him) Harry, why are you all gray?
HARRY: Erm…(Harry looks around) I guess we’re in Black and White.
GINNY: We are? (She looks around.) I guess we are.
HARRY: (Clears throat) Where was I, oh yeah…Ginny if you don’t…
GINNY: (Interrupting, again) Harry? Are we in the desert?
(As Harry and Ginny look around, the whole landscape around the train station turns to desert.)
HARRY: Yeah, we are.
GINNY: Cuz you look really hot in that trench coat if we’re supposed to be in the desert.
HARRY: Speak for yourself.
GINNY: (Realizing how she is dressed) Oh, right. Well, continue.
HARRY: (Sighing) Ginny, if you don’t get on that train, you’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
GINNY: No, Harry.
HARRY: We’ll always have the Quidditch Cup.
GINNY: (Sobbing)
HARRY: Here’s lookin at you, Kid.
GINNY: (Suddenly angry) I’m not a kid!
HARRY: Erm…I didn’t mean you were, I mean, it’s an expression…
GINNY: Hmph. (She walks on board the train.)
(Ron enters, wearing a policeman’s uniform that is obviously meant for someone smaller and fatter.)
HARRY: Ron, what are you wearing?
RON: It’s all they had. (Groaning) Is she off?
HARRY: Yeah.
RON: I’m supposed to arrest you, I think.
HARRY: (Laughs)
(Snape runs on, wearing a Nazi uniform. Ron and Harry goggle at him.)
SNAPE: What are you staring at? (Sneering)
HARRY: Is that a regulation haircut?
SNAPE: Shut up, Potter. Where’s the girl?
HARRY: On the train.
SNAPE: I must stop her!
HARRY: No you won’t!
(Harry reaches for his wand, but it’s a revolver instead. Harry looks at in surprise, as does Ron and Snape. Harry looks at Snape and pulls the trigger. Snape crumples. Ron and Harry look at each other in triumph)
(Dennis Creevy walks in, wearing a policeman’s uniform that fits)
RON: Hey, how come your uniform fits?
DENNIS: I’m an extra, with no physical description, so I can shrink or enlarge to fit any costume.
RON: Oh.
DENNIS: Captain Weasley, Professor…I mean, Major Snape has been shot!
RON: Oh, erm…(Ron and Harry exchange glances) Round up the usual suspects!
DENNIS: What?
RON: Anyone who’s always wanted him dead.
DENNIS: Oh, well, then, if you two would please come with me…
RON: Not us, you idiot. I’m the police captain, and Harry just happens to be standing next to me with a smoking gun! Do you actually think we did it? Go round up the other usual suspects.
DENNIS: Oh, right. (He exits)
RON: Whew, that was close.
LAVENDER: (From outside the scene) Oh Won-won!
RON: (Diving behind Harry) HIDE ME!
(Hermione enters, dressed sensibly for the desert, in khaki shorts and shirt, with a pith helmet on.)
HERMIONE: Oh for heaven’s sake. Harry can I borrow that? (She takes the still smoking gun) Thanks (Steps over Snape’s body on the way out)
LAVENDER: (Still out of the scene) Won-won! Oh, hi, Hermione, wait…what…where’s Won-
(Two shots are heard. Hermione re-enters, and hands the gun back to Harry.)
HERMIONE: I warned her, and then I fired two warning shots…into her head. (She kisses Ron on the cheek on the way onto the train.)
(Harry and Ron shrug at each other.)
(Ginny and Hermione stick their heads out the window of the train.
GINNY: Hey, are you guys coming? You two have to leave on this train too, you know.
HARRY: Oh, right. (He and Ron survey the station once more. Harry puts his arm around Ron.) Well, Ron, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
RON: Harry, we’ve known each other for years.
HARRY: (As they enter the train) Oh, right…shut up Ron.
(Train pulls away. Dennis comes running after it.)
DENNIS: Wait! Captain Weasley! Where do I put all 500 of these suspect who wanted Snape dead? There’s no room in the jail! Captain Weasley! (Dennis’s voice fades out as the screen goes black)
THE END