There are many types of people in the world. They fall into different categories of what type of person they are. The vast variations of what group they fall into makes us individuals.

I fall into the Non boat rocker category for one. I was raised to be this way but certainly can not blame it on upbringing cause we all have freedom of choice dont we? I could have been an aweful willful child but chose to for the most part not be. Was easier to be seen and not heard. Being invisible was easier ...maybe even safer is the right word for it. Not sure really. But it was something I chose early on to be. I was one that could be given a book and sat in a chair in the corner and I would basically disappear... this was from fairly young age even.

Now as an adult I wake and find that basically nothing in my life is what I would have chosen for myself and why??? ...because I remained the good little girl and did not voice my thoughts or wants over mere passing murmurs that were either cut off mid thought or ignored cause I had become so much a part of the background I now seem to blend in with the background white noise of life.

My life is the way I have allowed others to make it. Rather than speak up when important things are to be decided I find myself spoken over. Has always been the case to where I simply just stop talking when I am not really allowed to speak or not listened to in the situation. That is always taken as I agree with whatever is being discussed or decided. It usually is not because I am in agreement but that that not rocking the boat characteristic rears its sometimes very ugly head. The few times I have truly voiced my thoughts they are not taken into what is to be considered it seems, even to the point where later when I try to say that I never wanted/liked ___....that I am told No that I had picked/wanted/chosen _____ . There have been times I even doubted myself thinking well maybe I had just forgotten what I had originally said. I know when am thinking like I have been tonight that it was not the case of simply forgetting of changing my mind.

Can a person totally change? I mean change what seems to be a basic characteristic of their personality? Going out of my way to please people has rarely gotten me anything or anywhere in life. I have no wish to become so cynical that I am not willing to offer assistance or be totally untrusting or anything like that. But there has to be a happy medium???

I think life is sometimes a long multi part test. Just trying to look at the bigger picture and see if I can possibly do better on future parts of the test. Since I was awake and had random thoughts running through my head figured would use this as a sort of diary for the evening. Certainly not looking for any sympathy or anything. Am more or less talking out loud to see if there is a way to somehow gain some control of my life and start to steer it towards something more to my liking/choosing. I dont think it is impossible just difficult to find that starting place.