Life and Depression

Sometime in January-2003:
Everything seems unreal to me. I have no one, I pushed them all away, for a good reason though; they got in the way of my ambition. I have so many things I desperately want to accomplish but not the time to do them. Truely though, all I have is time now, I don't go to school, I don't work, all I can bring myself to do is sleep. Sleep is my last refuge from the hell my life has become, and now sorrow is even invading my dreams. It will be months before I move, if it even happens at all, an I am starting to fear I will never escape this house. Pain isn't even the comfort it once was. My therapist says I have a classic case of depression, but that I also have other problems too. heh, $65 an hour and that's her opinion, I could have said that and stayed in bed.

After so long a period of inactivity I don't know how I will ever be able to return to a normal life, of going to school, sleeping at night, being around people. Lately I seem to have gone into some type of trance that lasts for long periods of time, quite like astral projection, but I don't return for days. When I do wake up I have no idea what I have previously done, the most recent time this happened three days were abscent from my memory. My parents seem not to have noticed anything, but the people I talked to online whilst in my trance say I was incoherrent at best. Oh well, it's wonderful to escape.

My new mission, or my new way to waste more time because my life is at a standstill right now, is convincing my parents to let me get various piercings and medical procedures done. The Physical pain always takes away the Mental pain, or atleast makes it more bearable, atleast when I feel the stab of a needle or blade I loose the feeling that I'm rotting, that my mind is stagnating. Right now I'm working towards getting a nape piercing, a septum piercing, a tongue piercing, and eventually having my tongue split. As soon as I get those I will think about coming out and asking for another type of surgery. I've already had a discussion with a plastic surgeon about a nose job and having my tits done, according to him I need to wait until I am around 16 or older preferably, so thats what I've asked for X-mas; that my parents make an appointment for my birthday surgery. A perfect body will make everything ok after all. Pain usualy helps everything, its cleansing, its relaxing, and it is the only thing that will immediately get rid of my migranes. Migranes caused, I might add, by stress People put on me to get out of bed, I see no reason to waste the energy to go throught the motions of living and not be aware of my own body. I'm going to act exactly how I feel which is dead. I AM DEAD TO THE WORLD.

In the next two days I am going to do my own septum and handweb, I have piercing needles, jewelry, and aftercare products, no worries. That actually shows my parents stupidity, I regularly get packages from drug companies(legal ones and non), and from all manner of clothing, fetish, and adult websites courtsy of my credit card they gave me and pay for. I suppose I have an ideal life, I don't have to do anything and I am not supervised or censored in the least. But to me it is a prison. Because I get what I want (its actually what they think I want because I don't want or ask them for anything if I can help it), they use that as an excuse to prohibt me from going out, saying that because I just got a new cd or something I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to use the phone, I don't need to take a break and go for a jog, when I never even wanted anything in the first place. They force things on me for the most part to make me feel like I am in their debt in some odd way, and while it does not work and I know I am my own master, I cannot drive yet so I have to do as they say(as far as going out or not) or else they'll lock me in my room.

I do not want my parents approval as some might think, I don't want anyones approval, or disapproval for that matter. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me, but apparently everyone else in this fucked up family does care an that is why they hide me away, the dirty family secret, something they are so horribly ashamed of they dont even talk of me, the black sheep. How laughable, They are the sheep, mindless lemmings.

When and If we move, I am going back to school, I'll be in the 9th grade. I'm not going to let my previous mistakes fuck this chance up for me, I'm going to start over, I'm going to be ME. For the first time in my life I am going to be completely honest with the people around me about who I am, I'm not going to hide. I'm not going to be a recluse. I'm not going to be the local vampire-fag-freaky-satan-worshiping-murdering-psycho that everyone can ridicule whenever they feel like it simply because I am there. I know, I can rant on an on about this, but talking(or typeing in this case) isn't helping anything, neither is self-pity. I hate that, when other people pity me, when I pity myself, I can't stand it. I cannot stand any weakness but that one of the worst.

For the last five years I've been depressed, how much longer is it going to last? Because this is a hell of a lot more than just an off time. Depression sucks but being happy and oblivious would be worse. Its starting to sound like I am whining so I think I'll quit for now, besides, its daylight, time for me to go to bed, more to come later.

Dark Blessings.

October 13th, 2003:
At first I could only barely stand school, and then I found my savior, Sedatives, Tranquilizers, Muscle Relaxers, Various Pills from the 'I don't remember where the fuck this came from or what it is but I know its Rx' jar. The first two weeks of school I was driven to the edge, I almost went over, and then one day I found a pocket full of pills in a coat I hadn't worn in a long time, well it was just too tempting so I took one, all I can say is wow. The difference it made in my day was amazing. I did go on a bit of a binge those first few days, resulting in an overdose and me flipping out at school(don't remember much from that day, I probably don't want to either). But now that I have calmed down a bit, school is no longer the torture it once was, if I start to freak out all I have to do is take something and before long none of it matters. I tried friday to go without taking something but by fourth hour I was extremely paraniod, nervous, jumpy, and hallucinating(without drugs). It took two flexiril but I got it under control and after lunch I was fine, though I was no doubt out of it.

I'm not even that depressed anymore. Well I am, but I'm not constantly planning or even thinking of suicide so it's definitly an improvement. I was actally sorta happy all last week, though no one noticed thankfully. The only downside to taking all this shit is that even after school I'm fucked up, it takes all weekend for me to get back to normal only to have to take shit again first thing monday morning. *sighs* vicious cycle.... Thats about it for right now, I'm sure life will go on for a while longer at least, and I'm sure that eventually this will end, and I will crash and burn lower than I was before, but I'm going to enjoy myself while I can.