Threads of Hope

This has been a very stressful week. First, a deer decides to head butt the drivers side window of our neon which sent the car to the shop. It's still going to be the middle of next week before thats finished so we've incurred the expense of a rental plus the deductible. Wade's plates are due for renewal, we have to order engagement prints for christmas gifts and we still have to book a D.J. and a videographer for the wedding and pay off any debts on our credit reports so we might actually be able to buy a home this next summer. I don't know where all this money will come from but hopefully somehow it will all work out.

Next, was the ridiculous (as is typical) arguement with Jen. I'm at a point with that whole situation where I'm ready to throw my arms up in defeat. Wade's been telling me for a long time that I need to stop trying so hard with her because he sees what her every move and every word does to me, even if it's something that doesn't concern me. I guess that allowing myself to become so close to someone - as well as being rewarding - has also been destructive.

To start it all off she attacked my place of work by saying it sucked and then proceeded to bitch at me about how they didn't hire James at the same rate as me...blah...blah...like it was my fault or something. I told her I didn't know that they'd changed the hiring process and that James should question them because there was nothing I could do about it. She just kept pushing and I kept telling her to stop but she wouldn't. She just kept at it against my wishes. I was so angry and I felt so violated.

Here I had tried to help them out by letting Jame know about job openings and she goes off on me because it's not good enough. The pay's not good enough, the hours aren't good enough, the insurance isn't good enough. I guess what I was hoping to hear was "Well, it isn't going to be permanent but at least we can pay SOME of our bills so we don't go even further into debt while James searches for a higher paying job - so thanks, for letting him know about the openings."

But of course... I was hoping to hear that because if it was me, that is what I would say. Silly me for expecting my best friend to be vocally appreciative about something. That would be out of character. I've hardly ever heard her say thank you - at least to me. Whether she says it to others while not in my presence, who knows. I always seem to get the butt end of everything. All I get to hear is the complaining and how no one's helping her in the way she wants them to.

It's becoming more and more apparent lately so when she layed into me about my place of work I was not having it. I know her very well and I'm well aware, especially lately of how unappreciative she's acted over the last three years but for her to lay into me because hiring procedures have changed and I should have known about it because I've worked there for a year??? My jaw was actually hanging open as I read it.

I tried to tell her how unappreciative she has acted but, of course, once she's on the defensive rational thought and speech is useless. Then everything is wrong. Then I've called her a welfare case because I said she wasn't appreciative of the help the county has given her. And then I'm a bad person for showing James the pictures of the boots we want to use for our wedding next year. I guess what she implied is that I was insensitive because they can't pay their bills let alone pay for boots. We had already talked about 'taking care of it' somehow though I had never given her specifics, she had always been satisfied with that. If there's one thing I've learned while fighting with Jen and seeing her fight with Jason or James, it's that once she's on the defensive anything and everything is fair game to fight about.

As if the arguement wasn't foolish enough already, then she says "I don't think we're going to make it to Vampire this weekend." To which I replied "Duy or Obviously" which one I can't recall. Eloquent response, eh? She says something like "Why obviously? You didn't know we were hoping to have the car fixed by this weekend."

Well DUH!!! If I didn't know it would be fixed, then I would assume it is still broken and not able to make the drive. I was going to tell her I had already talked to Wade about us going there and that he was in the process of asking the guys but because of the way she was acting I figured why bother.

At that point I was fed up. I said she was crazy, that I was done playing games and that I was going to put her on ignore so she would stop messaging me. Really I should have done that after the third time I told her to stop bitching at me but of course, like always, I let myself get dragged into her emotionally charged, rational lacking arguements. When I said I was putting her on ignore, she said that I was playing games and that I shouldn't message her ever again. I almost said "what a relief" but it would have been the first thing in the whole conversation I wished I hadn't said. It did feel like a relief at that point but I didn't want to say anything that I may possibly not mean or then I couldn't truthfully say "I meant everything I said." So instead of giving in to impulse, I told her that I hope things get better for her eventually - which was and still is true. And I did take her off my list and put her on ignore.

And then I sat there. And I cried. And I realized that I had just done what Jason always does to her - and I actually understood why. She just picks and pushes any button she can to keep the arguement going and no matter how many times you say "Stop, I'm leaving." , "Stop! I'm leaving!", "Stop! I'm leaving!!", she doesn't respect anyone's boundaries and just railroads her way in until you have nothing left then to just let go.

Ugh. I just relived the whole thing while I wrote that. She is so emotionally draining on me. I don't know what - if anything is going to happen with that... but I certainly will be waiting for an apology - which probably won't ever come.

*****

Wade lay in bed next to me just letting me brain gush and cry. "Why can't I have any normal good female friends? This has happened to me with every close female friend I've had. I always end up having to let them go. Is it me? Am I being unreasonable?" Wade said no but that I have never had a mature and functional relationship with anyone until him - it's just been my pattern. And you know, he's right. He's opened my eyes to see that mature and functional relationships are indeed something I can have. I'm in the process of changing my patterns. I've become stronger and I'm really trying not to be a superhero and not to think that just because I help that anyone or anything is going to change. I have to try to stop thinking I need to save everyone. I'm learning what is acceptable behavior for myself and what kind of people I want involved in my life and learning that it's ok to put my foot down and say 'I don't want this in my life'.

The best path to take IS usually the most difficult and misunderstood. I definately draw my strength from Wade and also from my spirituality. I could catalog the last two years by one image - a smiling portrait of myself with lots of brightly lit lightbulbs above my head. Goofy, I know, but every day has been like 'a HA! (ding)'. I'm coming into the light bit by bit.

Wade, and the few others who do know... all think I'm just dragging my feet with this whole Jen situation. To me, it's different. this isn't like Heather, whith whom I had grown distant because she'd only call when she wanted something. This isn't like Jessica who was doing illegal drugs in my home - this is Jen, whom I do have a lot of fun with.

We've been the one constant in eachothers lives as other friends fade in and out, as guys come and go - we've been there through heartaches and breakups, court cases and divorce, moves, job changes, dead cars, dead beat dads, bills and credit reports, pregnancy and cysts and more.

Even though we've been through so much crap, we've managed to have some pretty good times and at least myself have come away with some great memories - and that's what makes it so difficult and hard to draw the line and say enough. With Jen I am comfortable. No matter what crappy thing is going on in my life or if I'm just lonely I can call her up and blabber or she'll blabber or sometimes we won't say much at all - we'll just sigh a lot and that's enough. I like that we both write and have intense emotional sides and that we share the same fascination for vampires and dancing. We've opened eachother up to different ideas, movies, clothes or bands.

I don't approve of how she lives her life - but it's her life. I've dealt with it because I know there's nothing I can do to change her - and all of my own experience with changing has come from learning lessons the hard way. No one can tell you how to be or what to do or how to live and there isn't always a right way or wrong way, just a different way. That's why I try to let things go. It's not my life.

I have also learned by having such a close friend, that much of what one does in their own life affects the friend. If nothing else, it makes that friend feel pain or joy as you feel pain or joy - but more than that - you begin to feel an obligation to the person, to protect them, to help in any way you can even if all you can do is give advice or sit on the phone and listen to them sigh.

For three years I've heard the same things over and over. It's the same situation over and over but I still keep trying to help because she is my confidant, my friend and I love her. I dunno, maybe I am dragging my feet. Maybe I'm still holding on by one thin thread of hope that things will change - that she'll grow up and take responsibility for her actions, be a good wife, mother and friend and that she'll take pride in earning her own living, she'll eat better and take pride in her body and that she'll find the spiritual part of her - whatever direction she goes with that - because I think it's all very important for fullfillment. Guess I'm still holding out hope that I'll get to see it happen and share it with her.

All I've ever wanted was to see her do well and to get to share this beautiful gift of life with her. but like wade says - maybe I'm just dragging my feet.

*****

So, after all of that emotionally charged drivel, Jessica got into a car accident on her way to work Thursday morning. Just like I did last year when I totalled my car - she was coming up over a hill and hit ice - except she wasn't as lucky. She ended up in oncoming traffic and got t-boned by a truck. Zach, her 9 month old, is fine but she broke a disk in her neck and was in surgery all day Thursday. She's in intensive care now and should be moved to the third floor Sunday night or Monday morning so she can have visitors.

I'm so scared to go see her. I haven't been able to think about her without crying, somewhat because it brings back memories of my own accident - which could have been so much worse - partially because I care about her so much and can barely fathom the fact that this accident will be considered her fault and she has no health insurance and no way to work and she has a baby that she can't care for. And mostly, I cry out of the thought that she could have easily died. She broke her neck - I'm sure she was within inches of breaking something that would have ended her life. I'm just getting to know and love her and I'm not ready to give her up yet.

So as for my emotional state this week, it's been one heck of a ride. Somehow all of this has to work out. One can always hope.