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I'm in one of those moods again, where I just want to hide from everything. I just want to wall myself off from everyone. Make a cocoon. A warm, safe place. But it's not just in my mind. I'm seeing my physical self manifest these desires. I don't interact with people like I used to. Slowly I'm building my own little cocoon physically as well as mentally. It's so frustrating! I can be feeling like everything is going fine - or wonderful even - and then all of a sudden I'm confused, foggy, can't think... My eyes don't seem to focus, my brain can't comprehend things. I get overwhelmed and I just can't process anything.
Instead of wanting to take care of those things I need to do - like bills, contracts, wedding planning, or even grocery shopping, I just want to come home, lay on the couch, turn on the brain rotting tv and just NOT. THINK.
Today, like many days when this feeling comes over me, I want to quit my job. I want to stand up, tell everyone off and walk out. But I guess I still have enough sense to know that would damage my chances at getting another job and I know that the feeling will pass whether it takes a few hours.. a few days... or sometimes a week or more... eventually I swing out of it and then forget until it happens again.
When I'm not on medication, like now, I always think that I'm overreacting- that this behavior is normal. It's who I am and I should just stop wishing I was Mary F'n Sunshine because I'm just not. But when I go on my medication I feel so different. I can handle things and I smile and I do my bills. I don't get so angry. I talk to people.. and I can make sense of what goes through my head. But I lose other parts of myself... like my ability to feel emotion so intensly and to write. Everything just slows down to a crawl and some things just stop. It's almost like being dead inside. Really. What's the point of being alive without emotions?
  
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