So I'm going to turn 20 in less than two months.
Shouldn't I be happy about this? After all, it really signifies my transition into adulthood. I won't be a teenager any longer. Yeah!!...???
Why does this seem to worry me more than make me happy? I guess I think back to high school and remember all the fun I had. So many friends, so many places to go, so many things to dream about, so much to see, so much fun. It all passed so quickly. Twenty years have passed me. Twenty YEARS. So quick that it seems like only a dream. If the first twenty went by so fast, how will the next ten go? By that time I will be 30. Thirty years old, with a career, a husband, children...and before I know it, I'll be forty, and the kids will be graduating from high school. But I just got out of high school. How can this be?
As a child, the years seem endless and adulthood, almost a myth.
Will I ever be an adult? Counting down the years until I can leave home, make my own decisions, get married, have kids....
I spent 5 years of my life "counting down", and now, here I am 7 years later, wishing I could count back up again. Life is so precious, and we truly have such a limited time. I want my years back, dammit!
I certainly don't want to go back to high school and move back in with my parents, but I could sure use an extra 20 years. Oh, think of the things you could do with an extra 20 years! Even if I live to be 90, 110 sounds even better. Or, 130... but, I do not have that many years to live. If I take care of myself health wise, I don't end up with a disease or cancer of any sort, and I just age... and die.. naturally... how long do I have? How many precious years do I have to accomplish all of the things that my heart desires? Never enough. Never, never enough.
So, I panic. My mind races, my heart races, and my body sits here, while I write in my journal. Ha.
I wonder what it is, that I am on this earth for. Yet, I don't want to know. If I know, I will accomplish it, and God will take me, and I'm just not ready for that yet. Call me selfish.
I want to live, and love, and appreciate, and help, and hold, and teach, write and learn and experience for many, many years to come.
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