I used to think I had the ability to write powerful poetry. In Mr. Guillette's class, Junior year of high school, he made me feel special. And maybe, at that point, I was. Maybe I was above average at 16. Unfortunately, my intelligence level, my writings, my vocabulary seem to be stuck. At 16. And I'm now 21. I read the poetry of others, some my age, some older, younger, and I realize that I'm not going anywhere. It's depressing to know that in 20 years I may think, and write and talk the same as I do now.
How can I rectify this problem? How can I grow? Should I read the dictionary and commit it to memory? The thesaurus? It could be a starting point. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do and learn all that I desire. And when I focus on something, all else falls to the wayside.
I have not felt poetic this week. There has been much on my mind but most of which I could hardly explain in words, almost impossilby to try poetically. I once was told that a real poet, is someone it doesn't come easy to. How can that be? As a poetcially minded person, wouldn't I have poems, thoughts, phrases, interesting analogies floating around in my head constantly? That happened last week, because I was feeling inferior to many of my poet friends. It gave me quite the headache, left me exhausted of my own brain.
I want to think I am an optimist but sometimes I believe I am more pessimistic than anything else.
I started a journal to track my thoughts and be able to watch my life events, my feelings, my writing abilities become better. But I an't seem to keep up with it. Or anything else for that matter. Why do I flit from one thing to another so quickly? Do I become restless? Bored? It seems nothing can hold my attention for very long and I am on to new and more exciting ventures. Do I train myself? Should I? Or should I just stay as I am, flitting back and forth like a bee in a large flowerbed?
Can't force myself to write when I don't want to. Can't force myself to read or chat or sleep or eat. I am ruled by my body, my mind, my essence. I am my essence and yet, it is above me, giving the orders and I am helpless.
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