Jess,
I don't know how many times I have written this letter to you in my head, each time promising to type it out and mail it to you. Each time, feeling my stomach turn summersaults when I think of you reading it.
Our problems did not start the day I opened my home to you. We both know that I had reservations about your relationship with Travis but because we were best friends, I put up with him. I even befriended him and when you both were out of jobs, with no vehicle and were leading lives that were going nowhere, I offered my own space for you. I helped you get on your feet, obtain jobs and transportation. I did this because I loved you so much. I wanted you to have a good life. All you needed was a little help and I was so pleased to be the one to do it. After all, what are best friends for?
They say that friends should never live together, that it always ends up ruining the relationship. To everyone on the outside, ours seems a typical case. But down deep, I'm sure you know why I had to kick you out. You know why I had to sever myself from you.
It wasn't because you did drugs with my fiance even though you know how much I hate it. It was NOT because you broke our one house rule. It wasn't the drugs at all.
It was what the whole mess symbolized.
Best friends are supposed to be there for one another, to watch eachothers backs and be honest with eachother. You knew Jarmie was doing drugs and lying straight to me about it. You knew I couldn't be in a relationship like that. You knew he wasn't the right man for me. Yet you kept silent because having an aquaintance to smoke a bowl with was more important to you than respecting your best friend's wishes and pulling her out of a potentially very distructive relationship.
I severed ties with you for the same reasons I did Jarmie: Loss of respect and trust. As much as it has hurt me these last two years without you, I have stood my ground. What is a friendship without respect, trust and honesty? It is nothing.
Many dreams have danced through my mind in the wee hours of the morning, and there are times when I want to pick up the phone and call you. There are times when I want nothing more than to have you back in my life. But it will never be. My friend Jess does not exist. At least not anymore.
In her place stands someone of the same physical proportions but with a personality as dear to me as a stranger I pass in a darkened alley.
I can't tell you that I'm sorry for my decision, only that your memory will always lingre in my heart.
-Kari
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