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Today Abby said to me "You're in a good mood today, I didn't know you could be happy!" It really got me thinking about how people perceive my personality. I mean, I'm constantly worried about what people think about me. I'm worried that I'm too ugly or too fat or I look geeky or that someone doesn't think I'm smart enough. It never occured to me until now that maybe the reason I don't know as many people as I used to is that people don't believe I'm approachable. I do feel that most of the general public is a waste of my time and energy. I may not be the most intelligent or quick witted person but I'm relatively smart, a bit wise and have an abundance of common sense all on top of a deeply emotional and sensitive core. I don't feel like a part of the general masses. I HOPE I'm not a part of the general masses. If I am, I may as well kill myself now and get it over with because even I wouldn't want to be with myself.
I'm assuming that people sense my distaste and probably find me bitchy or intimidating or both. I don't tend to show my soft side very often. Not many people have seen my tears, heard my laughter or felt my embrace. More often than not, I'll sit quietly observing the exchanges around me or I'll lose myself in my own thoughts, never sharing them with anyone. I'm quite comfortable with my own company. Most of the time, it just seems waste of energy to prattle on.
Wade and I went out for for dessert for his birthday and I told him what Abby had said and about my observations regarding that and people's reaction to me in general. I also told him that I feel ill and exhausted. I may have repressed everything frm 18- 22 but that feeling was a whole lot easier than what I am going through now. It's like the drawings from anorexics and bulemics I learned about in Pschology. When they were in the midst of their illness they drew themselves on top of the box. They were on top of the world. Happy. Conquerors. Victorious. After they realized they were sick and were getting help, they were asked to draw their experience again but this time they were drawing themselves in the box. Confined. Trapped. Defeated.
That is where I am right now. I don't yet have the luxury of looking back on my illness. I'm still stuck in it but I know I'm ill and I'm trapped and I'm trying like mad to get out but I don't know how and I feel like it's never going to end. I'm furious but I'm not sure what or who to blame or even if I have a right to blame anyone for fucking me up. What's that phrase they like to use? "Own It' or something like that?
wouldn't it just be easier to forget that I'm fucked up and get back on top of the box? Ignorance is bliss right? But innocence once lost can never be recaptured. The old me would have met challenges head on. The current me is so afraid of everything and everone that I cower in the corner of an empty room, half in the shadows and half out.. and I'm pleading with the looming shadowed figure to just leave me be.
Just leave me be.
It's easier to cower than to risk.
  
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