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The full moon ritual on Wednesday evening was a very theraputic and frightening experience. When we were invoking the directions and elements I couldn't keep my mind on what I was doing. I was just so down on myself that I didn't even want to be around the grove members anymore. I felt so hopeless as a person, as a friend and as a sister that I would have been happy to lock myself up in the house and never speak to anyone but Wade again.
I hit rock bottom somewhere between West & Water, and the ancestors. I had this sudden impulse to run as a far away as I could. But of course, being the upstanding social citizen Guardian I am now... I stayed figureing I didn't need to make a scene and ruin anyone else's ritual. (I wonder if I somehow in my mind already knew what was going to happen and I wanted to run away to avoid it?)
I had not read the ritual beforehand and did not know about the 'joy and sorrow' section until it was time to do it. Each person in turn lit a candle and recounted a joy tha happened in their life since the last full moon. I scrambled to think of something positive in my life. Suprising myself immensly, I did find that the mere idea of my stepmom being excited about my wedding was very uplifting to me and so I shared this with the group.
When it came time for sorrows I knew the only thing I could tell them would be my realiztion that I no longer am the tenderhearted, optimistic, harmony seeking Idealist that I once was. In her place reigns a guarded, nonstrusting, pessamistic, self wounded person - not even a glimmer of my former healthy self and that I needed to heal myself in a serious way.
For a guarded, nontrusting, pessamistic, self wounding person, the act of releasing one's innermost secrets and despair is the most difficult thing in the world to do. But they didn't have to force it out of me. I chose what sorrow to tell and I suppose that act in itself is a sign that Idealistic me is in there somewhere, trying to get me some help. I know that telling the grove members, while probably the most difficult to tell, are also probably my smartest step. We are supposed to be a family and together we create a 'sacred and safe space' and I should allow myself to lean on them when I need to.
It feels good to have a support system.
  
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