Why is she so angry? Why does she say the things that she says? Well, now you are about to find out...
So you want to know about my life? It's been pretty damn intense, for the past couple of years. I'll attempt to memorize some of it. So it can let everyone know why I am so angry with the world, as well as myself.
I grew up as an neglected child. My entire family didn't give a damn about me. I have a torpid family. I am so sick of them. I hate the fact that I'm still living with them. Believe me, if I had the money, I'd leave this damn state, away from my stupid family. Also, the bad memories that I've had down here. *sighs* This is really making me depressed and angry at the same time. I am so sick of my life and people who have those happy lives think that they can look down on others who are miserable. It's like what Luther Reigns said "you people don't know what problems are. While people are celebrating, there are people out there in the world who are trying to survive." I thought that was so true. The so called normal people feel that things will never go wrong in their lives but when they do, they want you to sit up there and listen to their problems or they want to commit suicide. I personally think that suicide should be legal. I mean as "free" individuals, we should have a right to live life any way we want to live, that meaning that we can end it if we feel the need to. I think if the person can't find a way out of their problems and whatnot, then that would be necessary but if it's because some guy left them or because they feel that "no one likes them", then there's no fucking excuse for that bullshit! You don't need friends, just like they don't need you. These same people who sit up there and tell you that they love you like a sister or whatever, are the same fucking assholes who are going to stab your ass right in the back. Shit, they could be laughing at your ass right about now! You wouldn't even know it. You know why? Because you trust them. Yeah, whatever. I can't recall the last time that I actually trusted anyone. I was always the one to look over my shoulder at them. It's sad, I know. I also know that I'm just rambling again. I hate when I'm attempting to write something very important and it turns into nonsense rambling. *sighs* I had the worse friends during school. The Blacks didn't like me because they thought that I was trying to be White. Just because, at the time, I liked White people, have long hair and is not an NWA, doesn't mean that I am trying to be White. I've had White friends who treated me, as if I was one of them. Even some who've tried to manipulate me, just like the Blacks have. The students used to think that I was gay because I didn't slut around, hung out mostly with females but they didn't try and get to know me that no guys were even interested in me. Guys would avoid me. My entire years in school was hell. I had people who I thought cared about me, people who I trusted, turned out to be back stabbers. The White friends grew afraid of me. Once I went to the eight grade, I became suicidal. The stupid crackers didn't even tell me why they thought I was so weird. My father was abusive to me. I had to go to school in tears. I hated my father. He would abuse me a lot and leave scars. He would always treat me less than everyone else, just like the rest of the family have. Everyone thinks that living a "Black" life is all fun and joy but, it's not. The majority of us (the good Black people) go through hell. I was a high school drop out. It was a long story and quite frankly, it's not anyone's business. Since the day that I've left, I morphed into a brand new human being. I grew angry and was so full of revenge, against everyone. To this day, I still want my revenge. My revenge was tossing my head at Black men, talking to my family any type of way, talking down on everyone and thinking highly of myself. I am so tired of people mistreating me. I'm fed up with Black people.
I am far from normal. In fact, I'm not even normal. I'm not even ashamed of that. If I wanted to be like everyone else then I'd be just as lame as they are. People have always labeled me as a weirdo, crazy, a loser, stupid, sad, pathetic and etc. All because... they were only describing themselves. They feel that everyone in the world, is supposed to be just like them. "If you don't dress like me or believe in what I believe in, then you're crazy." People could only know you for about a couple of months and think something is wrong with you. You're just not admitting that you're just flat out miserable yourself. Don't think you're putting someone down because it's not. I am a Vampire and I absurd all of your energy to make myself happy again. So your words don't phase me. Talk all the trash talk you want, you're only wasting your time because you think that you're superior when you're not. Puny humans. Here's another thought of mine. There are so many starving babies, orphans, poor people and the only thing, rich Americans can think of is "No one likes me so I think I will kill myself." When I told Ricky that people over seas are more serious about their school work, than Americans. And he was like, I think that's everywhere. I don't think so. The only thing Americans care about is SEX, drugs, and suicide! That is becoming more of a pet peeve. People always mistaking conceited with confidence. I don't give a damn who doesn't like me. Because you know what? I don't like them either.
I remember back when I was in the fourth grade, there was this White teacher, named Miss Tierney. I thought she was really hot, so I just had to meet her. There was this middle aged teacher, who told me to go down a hall to see her. I walked with some girls, and I knocked at the door. I drew her a picture too. She poked me in the stomach, hehe. From then, I realized that I was bisexual or was it before? She drew me a picture, days later and stuff. I never saw her again, she had moved to Lafeyette. I haven't seen her in years. *sighs*
I was dressed up as the Crow on Halloween in 2004. I was taking some pictures with my father and the neighbor's kids next door was asking me who I was and I said "The Crow." And they starting cawing and shit. Stupid ass kids... I have to admit, I do regret leaving school but I don't think anyone jumping to conclusions like I was too dumb or whatever. Like I said, you don't know my life. There are people in college who think that they're so much better than I am. Please, give me a muthafucking break.
I remember one Black female getting angry at me, for calling her gay. As if being gay was a bad thing. (folks please close the bible) I was only playing with her and she took it the wrong way. I hate homophobes!! It must have really affected her because the gel pens that I had lend to her to borrow, she used them up. Wow. Dumb Black women, who claim that they're so strong but can't take a joke.
People would always ask me why I cried a lot. I was so weak. I used to stay in bed because I couldn't concentrate in school. I had teachers who hated me too. Some would always yell at me. They would give me a hard time. Everyone can imagine why I'm home schooling my children. I wouldn't have to go to school with a gun and make it into another Columbine. Everyone had a problem with me. No matter what it was. I used to get picked on because of my hair, eyes, clothes, body hair, my sexuality, what type of people I liked to hang with and my father's raggedy car. I recall a time when they used to call me prejudice. OMG! That was the longest rumor that ever traveled around school. Amber was prejudice. Yeah, I'm prejudice now but not when I was back then. There was a rumor from the fourth grade that I had AIDS and had fleas. And to think that years later, AIDS is one of the leading deaths among African Americans. I guess they'll keep their mouths shut.
The Whites in Louisiana are very, very, prejudice. It didn't matter how cool they were with Blacks, they were still prejudice. They used to give me ugly looks and some would even catch attitudes with me. I wasn't able to do anything about it back then, but I know that if it happens nowadays, with this rage that I have, I will go as far into beating a cracker down. I'm not like most Blacks who hold how they feel about Whites inside, shit, fuck White folks. Since slavery is over, Whites are now our slaves. How fucking sweet!
Since I dress in black, Blacks just sit, stare, whisper and laugh at me. It doesn't bother me. At least, I don't follow stereotypes. I mean, I can't walk out of the fucking house, unless I have drug dealer, bull dagging Black men looking my way. I even live across the street from a sexual predator. The funny thing is that my parents aren't doing anything about him. Whenever I see him, I have to go into my fucking house. I recall a time when he made me hug him. My mother was like "oh lawd," like she going along with it. I hate my parents from not protecting me all of these years.
Another personal thing about myself is the fact that I used to fantasize a lot. I had a lot of celebrity crushes. The first was Peter Weller, back when I was five. I liked him and Michael Jackson at the same time. Present, I like Paul Walker. It's hard liking men, whom you can't have. You get stuck with jackasses who don't want to get married, still living at home with their mothers, non-virgins(I have guy friends who are still virgins and I admire them a lot. I love you guys. That's right, wait on the right girl.) or the ones who are way older and still think that they're boys. I'm not saying that I wouldn't hang out with a guy who wasn't a virgin. He'd have to take the HIV test, though. See, virgins wouldn't have that problem. I wanted a guy who will care about me and accept me.
Okay, back to me. I used to have the biggest issue with people who weren't virgins. I mean, I used to think something was wrong with them. In a way, I still do, however, I've met some who weren't nasty and slutty. Those people, I can respect. I hate sluts. I wish they could die. My gawd, you all have no idea how much I hate those people. Both males and females. They make descent women look awful and make good women shunned and over looked. I was always overlooked by guys for trash, because they know a girl who is proud of her virginity, isn't going to give up a damn thing. Sometimes I want to hurt my non virgin friends, just over the fact that guys would want them, over me. Since you all have read my page about why I couldn't stand people, you can see why I have resentment. I can't stand sex fiend guys. Geez, get a life! You mean to tell me that you're in your thirties and not committed? Bragging about how much sex that you've received and have the nerve to tell me that you're a man? Hmm... Let me tell you my definition of a man. A husband, a guy who is committed, a guy who is raising his kids. If you don't fit those standards, then you ain't no man.
Another thing that had bugged me, all during my life is people's infatuation with my fucking size. I am so tired of people telling me that I'm too skinny or that I need to eat more. America is the fattest fucking country on this Earth, so please, do not tell me shit about gaining weight, when the majority of these muthafuckas wish that they were my fucking size! Stop complaining about my damn weight, worry about yourself. I can take care of myself. I don't need people to play my mom or dad about any damn thing. So what I'm saying is because of my negativity about things, is coming from people, bitching and whining about who I am and what I look like. I swear, I am so fucking tired of all this drama!
I'm tired of people trying to figure out the whole irony of why I dislike Black people. I've had my past with them, all down to the fact that I don't associate myself with them, want to have full Black children, marry Black men(not like they'd want to get married anyway) and I belittle my Black friends. Yes, the last fact is true. I do belittle them. The reason is, because I don't trust them. Black people are the main reason why my self esteem is so low. I don't care if I'm labeled as a sell out or whatever. I don't want no one to solve my problems. Nor do I give a fuck about others. That's just how it is. Black people are the most childish people walking the face of the Earth. They can't read or write but have the nerve to get behind a computer and run their fucking mouth. They don't know how to raise their fucking kids, if they did, they wouldn't be so out of control. They make me sick, okay? If you got a problem with it, then you might as well deal with it. They are my top hate list. Yeah, I'm a horrible person who likes to talk about people. People talk shit and wish death on me all the fucking time but I don't care. I ain't going no damn where so they might as well live with it. I have issues with Blacks, just like Blacks hold grudges against Whites. Blacks have done absolutely nothing for me. My friend Crystal(White) would buy me things and I've had White friends from the past who would buy me things and send me gifts in the mail for my birthday. What have Blacks done for me? Brought me down, told me that I was a disgrace, a sellout, a loser, pathetic, and every other name in the book. Which is why I don't respect them or feel sorry for them, when I tell others how I feel about them. All they've done, was put me down by all means, everything that I do, was not good enough for them. Even when I stand up for them, it's not good enough, nor do they have my back. They have their own battles to fight, because I won't support them ever again. Gosh and look at Black women... What in the world could drive a woman, to make herself look like a complete ass? Why are yelling on national television and actually show pride in not knowing who the father of your children are? Seems like Black women, enjoy being sluts. Glad that they're not my problem. Like I said on BIAN, change your attitudes and maybe men will approach you. Go on Black Planet.com, and see that their whole entire message board, is filled with topics of sex. Whenever they discussed marriage, there's hardly anyone up for the debate. Black folks have to be the lowest group of people, to be unmarried. I mean, it's the truth.... When I look at them, when I go out, I give them stuck up looks and keep on walking. I don't need to respect them, if all they're going to do is whisper, laugh and stare at me. Fuck them! Nothing in this world, will ever change how I feel about Blacks. People don't know what it's like to wear the clothes that they like and have to look over your shoulder to see who is whispering or staring at you. Or what it's like to have parents who run out on them when you need them. What it's like to have friends, every last one, turn on you and you don't know why and is afraid to began friendships with people because of fear that they have of losing them. Afraid to like men because you feel that they'll only want to get with you because of sex or only care about your physical appearance. To hate your own heritage because of the shit that you've had to deal with growing up concerning acceptance and etc. To be Gothic, all because you don't want to fit stupid Black stereotypes. To have to be half blind. To have people molest and attempt to rape you and you have to live with that incident for the rest of your existence. To deal with being under a hundred pounds and cry because someone keeps telling you that you're too skinny or you're not big enough for them. To have a family who fucking hates your ass. To have to go to bed alone. And etc. So don't fucking sit up there and tell me that I need help. You go to hell! Every last one of you! Fuck you! You don't know me or anything else about me. You need help because you obviously don't have fucking people skills. Not everyone has a silver platter with their whole lives ahead of them that's in good hands. Don't tell me that I should love my heritage, including Black men. To hell with them. The only part of my history like I like is my ancestors. Read my typing TO HELL WITH THE BLACK COMMUNITY OF TODAY! They don't need me, just like I don't need them! I have my own community and that's being a psychic vampire. I don't have to like Black people if I don't want to. That's my fucking choice. Lawd, speaking of Black people, I used to be friends with this Black female. OMG, I stopped being friends with her and she lost it. This girl used to hit me during school and she would call and hang up all night long. My family had to unplug the damn phones just to get the bitch to stop doing it. Later in the eighth grade, I decided to let us be friends, besides the past grudge that we had against each other. Come to find out that she couldn't be trusted. She used to talk mad shit about me along with some another fat Black bitch. Ever since then, I never talked to her stupid, Black ass again. I fucking hate her and I hope she fucking dies. As a matter of fact, I hope all these people die. If they did die, I wouldn't care. I'm not going to feel bad. I want them to suffer, the same way that I have. If I were to gain weight or get a couple of inches taller, I would have been done get my revenge on all of these people. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison for slaughting these assholes. I mean, you talk about man slaughter, don't get me started! I don't want you all to think I'm a psycho but trust me, don't sit up there and tell me that you've never mulled about killing someone. This grudge will last forever...
I am tired of people labeling me as some kind of man stealer, just because when a guy talks to me, he starts feeling me. Not only do women feel that way about their men around me, but so are gay males. All I have to say is don't get angry at females who just happen to be in the crossfire of your men wanting them. If you are feeling that insecure about your relationship, that is something to do with yourself and your man, not the female. Don't get angry at your man, because he wants me. That's not my problem. I don't chase after no one's man, normally, it's the other way around. So, like Ice Cube you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. I'm not even looking for a man. I can raise my kids(one day), all by myself. I don't think having a man around is what makes a steady family. I've seen a lot of moms out there, taking care of their businesses alone. So I should do the same. Guys are too much drama and they care too much on looks. I know that there is nothing wrong with me so I'm not changing who I am for anyone. I don't want my kids growing up with father who doesn't love them. Or end up with a dad like I have: abusive, neglectful and etc. A father who will put them down and when they're in need, the only thing on his mind, is what's on television. Or some overprotective ass father and etc. I'll never forgot the shit that these guys have done to me, as well as other men. Which is why, I won't even waste my time looking for another guy. I can't bare another fucking heartbreak over whether it's my looks or my race. A girl just wants to take care of herself, and that's what I'm going to do.
I was always the girl, that people would look over. I've dealt with that, all during school and online as well. When I join websites, I get a thousand hits and hardly anyone has anything to say. And you see I get mostly hate mail, all because I speak my mind and they can't handle it. When I go out, I get overlooked because of my strange looks. I don't mind being ugly. It has kept me single all these years. If I need to be pretty to have a man, then I'd rather be ugly, than to put up with their drama. Back on topic, I am just sick of being placed second. I'm tired of liking those phony ass Asian people, whack ass White folks and Hispanics. I'm just sick of it all.
I am tired of people expecting me to be perfect. I am sorry that I wasn't raised in a loving family or a rich one, that way, my life would be running smoothly. I am sorry that I don't wake up, next to someone in the bed with me or that I had parents who persuaded me to do my best and make them proud. Boo fucking hoo muthafuckas. I grew up, practically, raising myself. I had to take care of myself when I'm sick and had to confide in myself. Everyone thinks that just because someone if different, that they need help. I have so many people who have told me that bullshit, that I just plain ignore it. I know that I don't need help. Shit, we all have issues. No one is perfect. Everyone has made fucked up decisions in their lives. I don't need help, j ust because I don't like Black people. There are White people who do not like White people, but you see no one, bitching to them about that. I don't need help because sometimes, I get depressed. I am depressed because I'm living in Louisiana. I hate this place and everyone knows that! If I was in California, I wouldn't be depressed. So, I don't need help. You need some sociology class. Stop telling me that I need help and stop telling me bullshit, that you don't know about. Kiss my ass! Now, help that! Every time that I would lose an online buddy is because of the same ole crap. It's either because they think that I'm some miserable person who is never happy or because they think that I'm a racist, immature girl. To me, there are far more issues to worry about in life, instead of what someone likes or dislikes. Quite frankly, I just do not give a damn about having a friend. I don't even know what a friend is. What the hell is a friend? If it's someone who laughs at your problems, talk behind your back, tells you that they don't understand you, give you the wrong thoughts of life or people who put their problems over yours, then I guess I've had friends.
On the topic of biracial children. I just felt that I needed to get this covered. The whole purpose of me wanting biracial children, is because I find them attractive. But now, I don't because like Tanya, Hana, Jeanette, I don't want my child disowning me being Black. Fuck that.. I am tired of men. I've had it with them. I've lost respect for them and there isn't a man alive, that can convince me that there are good men out there. Quite frankly, I just don't give a damn. I wanted biracial children, because I don't want my children growing up, dealing with the color factor. Because we all know that Blacks are very prejudiced against dark skinned people, especially dark Black women. I don't want my daugthers feeling unloved, like I was, growing up. Having those bastard Black kids telling them that they're unattractive because they're dark. I don't want them going through that. It's hard to get people to understand that.
This part gets intense. I've lot all respect that I have for Asian people. I mean, I love my Asian friends, but as far as making new ones, that's a no no. I grew up, being in love with the Japanese culture, especially. I used to play the video games from Atari to Playstation. I would write all types of fan fictions and stories about Japanese people. All I wanted, ever since, I was like ten, was to be married to an Asian male or female. The first Asian female, who I ever fallen in love for, was a Chinese girl named Celeste. I remember, when she called me, we talked all day long. Then, she vanishes and I never hear from her again. As I've gotten older, I realized, what type of folks that Asians were. I endured racism, hate, mistreatment from Asians. I've become very paranoid of them.
To conclude this, once again, I can't contradict Blacks. I feel hurt, every time I look at my toddler pictures. It just brings up so many bad memories from forever being picked on. No one knows what it's like to be treated a like a freak. Like no one would ever accept you. A lot of Black people have left school, for that treatment. Instead of being angry with them or judging them, I sympathize for them because they are missing on the biggest part of their life. I don't just hate Blacks, I hate everybody. If you're immoral, I will treat you less. You think less, I treat you less. I'm not closed minded, just because I hang with myself and don't want to be bothered with anyone's bullshit. Who the hell needs a friend, when they're pathetic people to talk to. 9/10 will sleep with your man, might die before you do(thanks to them doing drugs and having casual intercourse), and etc. It's sad but I'm done with it. As far as relationships are concerned, to hell with it. There are no more good men. The only good men are either gay, married, transsexual, too old, too young or dead. So, all I'm left with, are complete assholes and scum bags. Why bother? As much as I love me some Asian blood, I'm done running after their asses. I'd rather marry a fucking transvestite or a hermaphrodite, then a White man. I'll recommend good men to my associates. I don't need or want anyone. This was the story of my life...
The purpose of me, creating this part of the site, is to show people what's really going on. That there is a reason for everything. My life is not easy and it's sad that whenever I come online, I run into people, who want to make it even more difficult. I do not have time to sit and listen to stupidity and arrogant minded assholes. I have my own problems to deal with. There's a reason for me being hateful, there's a reason for why I'm gay, there's a reason for why I don't trust people, there's a reason for every single thing that's going on in my life. So before you open your mouths about how you think you know, don't end up like Selena or Jennifer Greenhalgh, because once you're up here, I will not take you down. I came to you, as a friend, it was your choice to turn the tables and become my adversary. So, you have yourselves to blame. All I wanted was a friend... Hopefully, you'll think twice before you judge someone and learn to know what's oing on in their lives before you start judging. And to also, take a look at yourself. Peace.
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