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Week of May 26, 2002
I felt very extroverted this week which is unusual to
me. I joined in people's conversations, invited people to hang out, had
people over at my house. But despite all this friendliness, the week has
been overcast in sorrow over the departure of Kadin. He's still in
Amarillo, just gone from high school while my sophomore/junior self waits.
I'd like to think I could salvage what friendship I had with him, even if
we never take it to a step of dating each other. But it just doesn't seem
possible now. I'm debating moving on. It will be hard to get over Kadin,
my eight month crush, but I seriously doubt it would kill me. I should
move to something that is more within grasp, such as Joe, a freshman I've
been noticing roughly since the year started. A freshman seems so much
better of a choice than an 'adult' when I myself am a upper classman.
I dread seeing the results of my semester tests I took this week. That's
all I have to say about that. Week
of June 2, 2002 San
Antonio was fun. I love the River walk. I love Sea World. I had forgotten
that dolphins are the most beautiful mammals I've ever known.
Anyway, I'm going to get my ears pierced whenever I can. Parents have
agreed so that's no issue. I'm also going to bleach my hair, also agreed
to with the parents. I believe I'll like it. I've gotten too picky with
the people I develop attraction to. I have almost a rubric I run them
through before deciding if it would work at all now. It's horrible and I
feel like I'm excluding so many possibilities, which I am. But it feels like
the thought in my mind that someday I will find the perfect person somehow
justifies my judging people. Which I don't think it does. Week
of June 9, 2002 I met this guy named Jasiha of
FaceTheJury. He's great and he's offered for me to go in with him after
college. Yay. That'd be cool, he's so sweet. Anyway, This summer has been
pretty dull. I dunno what to make of this. I really wish I could meet more
people here in town. I did get my ears pierced. Yay. Weee. I'm now blonde
too. Week of June 16, 2002 I
spent most the week at Vegas with grandparents. Ugh. That sucked kinda. I
did get some cool new clothes though. Yay. I'm not really that excited or
interested in this week. It was kinda blas� for me. Now Saturday things
picked up. I went to Pride with Kendall and Chris and I met two guys,
Mitch and Alex, both of whom are very much the hot ones and I got both of
their numbers. The night with all my friends and the two new friends was
perfect. Then I stumble home. My dad searched through the history on my
computer. He knows I'm gay. I get yelled at, cursed at, told that I'm not
gay, and yelled at some more. All things considered, I think it went ok. Week
of June 23, 2002 Well, since my father found
out I've been living more independently. My parents have pretty much
stopped asking if the want me to go out to dinner with them and I'm paying
for all my meals outside of the household. I think they just need to time
gather themselves, my father mostly.
A lot of crap exploded from I'm not sure what this week. Mitch said some
things he didn't mean to Chris, but now it turns out he changed his mind
and really did mean those things. Huh? Anyway, I totally had like a three
day thing for Mitch but I'm over it. I'm trying to work my way into Alex's
life now, if I'm not already. I dunno, he's given me some signs but blah.
I dunno. I'm not sure if this week has helped me mature or show how
childish I am. I'm not even sure if this week has been good or bad. I
suppose as a whole all time I spent with Mitch, Chris and Kendall; playing
pool with Alex; driving around aimlessly were the good things. But all the
drama, blowing a tire on my car and the alignment minorly whacked, and
getting sick for eating at night all made this week kinda sour. I like
that one quote but I don't remember what it's from.
"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but maybe some of us
are tired of being so damn strong." Week of June
30
I'm forever moving past Mitch from Fritch since I now realize how not for
me he is. Aside from going out with Alex a few times, this week was really
rather uneventful. Story of my life.
Week of July 7
Apparently I've changed major style. I don't have alot to say about that
except that hell, if I have changed then that's the way it goes. I so miss
my car, and this week is dragging on forever without it. Then there's this
guy, Jasiha, I know. I don't think I've ever mentioned him here. But he's
wonderful. I really do love him, and he really does feel the same way. I
want to get out of this town and be with him. That must be why there's
college.
Week of July 14
I spent most my time moping around the house bitching about something
that's really not that big of a deal to begin with. I just made a big deal
cause I'm the real drama queen, which I really need to snap out of. I
leave Friday for Canada, let's see how that turns out. I wish I had gotten
to talk to Alex before I left though. I tried calling and got his
machine... which isn't a good thing regardless of how kinky it sounds.
Week of July 21
Canada was uneventful and boring. The country should be broken apart by
province and sold via auction-style for not providing me with
something/someone interesting to do. Now I could curse Canada some more or
I could talk about the stuff that happened back at home while I was gone
that is of importance. From Kendall's side of the story, he requested that
Chris kiss him, but decided against it as he would feel prideless and
lowly afterwards. According to Chris' side of the story, Kendall wasn't
satisfied with the little peck Chris gave him and thus asked for more.
According to Chris, he freaked out over a little bit of tounge. I wonder
which to believe, really. Kendall really seemed more upset and sincere
telling his part of the story. In other news, I feel like a totaly home
wrecker as of lately. Let's review the evidence, shall we? I went over to
Kendall's house to pick him up and his father answered the door. I asked
if Kendall was there, but I knew I would be completely satisfied if the
only person there was his dad. DAYUM he was forever hot. But he was a dad.
So I was like, here, just hand this big neon sign over my head that says
"I Destroy Families." Next, I spent the night at Chris' and was
totally crushed over his STEPBROTHER. Gah. And Chris' sister is all over
me. So I bet by the end of the year I will have screwed over everyone in
that family at least once. Next comes Jasiha. I'll admit it, I did some
things with him which I really shouldn't have, considering he has a
boyfriend and all. And what we did really upset his boyfriend and sent
their relationship spiraling, but Jazz (Jasiha) assures me that Joe (his
boyfriend) is fine now and they are ok, although almost certainly bound to
break up within two years. I still feel god-awful for doing that though,
and no matter how much Jazz reassure me that he still wants me in his life
I'll still feel horrible for hurting someone he loves. So, yes. I'm a
splendid home wrecker. Week of July 28th
Pretty much the only thing I did this week that held any sort of
significance was going to the movies and playing pool with Alex. He was
giving me all these compliments, telling me that I have a great smile and
that he likes my cologne and the such. Then he tells me that he's stopped
looking for a relationship, which doesn't mean he doesn't want one, just
has stopped looking. So I'm not sure what he wants out of me. It's
becoming very dramatic for me though. I can see this entire thing
exploding.
Week of August 4th
Pretty much anything and everything did explode. Gah. Kendall and Chris
had a fight that could have become violent had they been within ten feet
of each other. They resolved that now. But I still think Kendall is really
bitter towards Chris. And Chris is really bitter towards me I think. I
don't know anymore. I don't know what Chris expects of me. Anyway, the
thing with Alex exploded bad too. Let's start from the beginning. Alex
went to Randall I believe. One day, some guy in town named Michael IM'ed
me wanting to get to know me. I wasn't attracted to this guy at all. Not
physically, not even as a person. Well, it turns out Michael knew Alex
from Randall, and Michael wanted me to stop talking to Alex. Probably so
he could eliminate competition and have me all to himself. Well, Michael
knows I like Alex. A lot. And it turns out that now Michael and Alex are
working in the same dollar store. Grand. So Michael tells me that he told
Alex I like Alex the afternoon of the first day they worked together. I
got uberpissed at Michael. But then, Alex called me the night of that
first day they worked together. He sounded perfectly fine, even told me
flat out that I have the type of personality he would date. So either he
knows I like him and took it really well or Michael is lying to me about
telling him. I think it's the later. A couple days later, Kendall tells me
why he has such a bad opinion of Alex, and the reason is all just a rumor.
There's no proof to it. I'm not even going to say what the rumor was
though. So Alex gets angry Michael would be nice to his face and talk bad
behind his back. Then he and I go out to the movies the next night and
he's perfectly fine. I still don't know what he wants out of our
relationship. Week of August 11, 2002 I
house sat for my grandparents for a week. It was nice having a house to
myself. Jasiha and I had a little argument. This guy Alvaro from Mexico
started talking to me, and he was really being a sweetie and it flattered
me, but Jasiha got rather jealous and wasn't too kind with me. But
everything was worked out. I have a feeling it always will with him. Alex
called during the stay and just chatted for a while, which he admitted to
almost never doing. I asked him what all Michael had said about me, and he
said Michael hardly even knew my name. Then we made plans to go to a movie
the next night. The movie was ok. the rest of the week was spent around
Kendall mostly, who I believe is developing a thing for me. I don't want
that. Kendall's a great guy, but no. Regardless, he spent the night one
night and I slept in the same bed with him at his request. So then we went
to the OUTstanding social, Chris came and I feel horrible for treating him
like I did. I know, I need to make a decision and stick to it, but he's
just too great of a guy to let go. Also this week, I've played matchmaker
for Kristin and Eric. I'm happy for them. You go! Week
of August 18th
I didn't think being completely out at school would be this... painless. I
was expecting endless taunting and torture, but most people don't even
know what the hell a rainbow signifies. I like two of my seven classes. AP
US History and Art II Drawing. I like history cause the teacher is so
awesome and I love art because well, I love art. Alex called me I think it
was Thursday and we went out and played pool. Once again I became very over analytical
of his behavior. I wanted to just tell him how I felt right
there. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. So I went home empty. And
with homework. Week of August 25th
This week is covering a broad range of emotions and experiences. Sunday
Alex asked me to go see "Signs" with him. I had seen it before
but had been wanting to see it again. Before the movie, I tell Alex it can
be a little scary at some parts. He says the only movie that's ever scared
him was Arachnaphobia. During one of the scarier parts of the movie, Alex,
and I kid you not, jumped at least six inches, pulled his legs up into the
chair and screamed "AAaaAAH, OH MY GOD, AaaaAaah!" It's was
hilarious!! Anyway, the movie ended and I got on the loop around Amarillo,
blaring Smashing Pumpkins "Perfect" going 75 down the loop, and
Alex says, "Sean. I have to be honest with you. I like you a lot, and
I don't know if I just messed up saying that cause we have such a great
friendship or what. I don't want to screw up our friendship." I
turned to him and said, "You know, Alex, I feel the same about
you." He said "I was kind of afraid about how you would react. I
don't want to lose your friendship." And I said, "Well, I feel
the same. Don't worry... So should we take it to the next level?" and
he said, "I'd like to give it a try. So do we say we're dating
now?" And I replied "That sounds great." Now for the mushy
part. I pulled up in front of his house and parked the car. He looked over
at me, I looked at him. He tilted his head as I looked on, and said,
"Kiss me..." softly. So I leaned in and we kissed for what
seemed an eternity. He said, "Goodnight, Sean" and I said
"Goodnight, Alex." That's the story in summary. Overall, a kick
ASS Sunday. *sigh* He called Monday and we chatted. Monday night this guy
Josh comes over with some friends, and I think Josh is really into me. By
the end of the night, he's written his phone number on my hand. I hope he
heard Cindy say I have a boyfriend now. Then Tuesday rolls around. I don't
feel too well so I stay home from school and go to the doctors. He reads
over all my information and said that I needed to go and get some blood
tests done. He also said if my stomach pains get any sharper to go right
to the emergency room. So I go over to the blood drawing place and wait. I
almost faint getting it drawn but a sexy doctor buys me candy so I get
back some color. Sweet of him. I woke up the next morning at 3 AM to find
it sent me into excruciating bursts of pain to move or breathe. So I
turned on the computer, left Jasiha and Emily a message that I was going
away for a while, and checked into the hospital. I stayed there
over-night, never discovering what was wrong with me, and went home. When
I come home, Cindy says that Alex called and sounded really worried. A few
minutes later he calls back and he does sound worried actually, because
apparently he was asking around and couldn't seem to find out why I was
put in the hospital. We talked for a while then he called back later that
night, and said in the MOST adorable, sincere tone "I was worried
about you!" My heart melted. Swoon much. Emily and I fought a little
because it didn't seem like she cared whenever I talked about anything.
But it seems like we're ok now. I'll close out this friggin essay now.
Very eventful week. Till next time. Week of September 1
I truly believe that I am in love with Alex. It seems to have developed as
we hung out, and it grew stronger until I became positive that I love him.
I went to dinner and a movie with Alex on Sunday. I paid dinner, he paid
movie. He starts off all fidgety during "Road To Perdition", but
about halfway through he put his hand on my leg. It really caught me off guard
so I looked over at him and he took his hand away without even
glimpsing away from the screen. So I took my arm and wrapped in around his
to show that I was ok with physical contact, cause hell, I am. We held
each others hand through the rest of the movie, and we kissed goodnight as
he dropped me off. He's such a wonderful boyfriend. Alex calls me a couple
times over the course of the week just to kind of chat. Then Thursday,
everything went to hell in five seconds. I was coming home from school
making a left turn and my passenger side was hit by a green SUV. It
screwed my car up really bad. Really bad. I sat there in the car for a few
seconds after I had been hit thinking, this isn't happening. I guess this
is a way of making up for the relatively trouble free life I've led. I
guess my good luck just ran out. I went home bruised and depressed in my
grandparents car. Very shortly after I got home, Alex called and asked
what time the OUTstanding meeting was. I told him the time and that I'd
see him later, because, dammit, I'm not going to let the wreck get in the
way of seeing my friends. So I made it to the OUTstanding meeting and hung
out for three damn hours listening to Michael talk about the board
members. But it was better than being at home. Afterwards, Kendall, Alex,
and I all went out to dinner at TGI Friday's. But anyway, the next day I
stay home from school cause I felt like crap and threw up thrice. I also
went and took the remaining stuff out of my car, which was NOT fun.
Afterwards I came home pretty sick and depressed. I really wanted to go to
the movies with Alex. And then he called and asked me to go see Scooby Doo.
So we went to the movie and he pulled the same hand/leg thing, except this
time when I moved and he started to pull away, I put my hand on top of his
and smiled at him. We had the hole physical contact thing on throughout
the movie. Then after the movie, out in front of my house, I thank him for
taking me out and look into his eyes. We kiss, then he pulls back, looks
at me, and says , "Sean, I love you. I've never said that to anyone
who wasn't family." I'd been thinking about this for quite some time
since that night. I love Alex, and I didn't hesitate to tell him so. We
kissed again, and I said goodnight and went home. My weeks have seemed way
too busy lately. I hope all of junior year isn't like this.
Week of September 8th
Most of this week revolved around Alex and school. School is a bitch and
German III is really starting to tick me off. Bad. But anyway, Monday,
Alex and I went and played some pool then hung out at Medi Park at night.
It was so serene and lovely. The scene felt perfect. We were talking, and
Alex said that we were still kind of a weird couple because it felt like
we were afraid to initiate physical contact sometimes. I'm perfectly fine
with it, actually. And I proved that Friday in his dorm room. He gave me a
massage and things kind of developed from there which I won't go into
detail on. Saturday night Alex came and spent the night over here. After
Jason and Cindy had fallen asleep in the living room, we retreated to my
room and just enjoyed each other's love. It was very nice. It's been a
good week, despite my parents and school. Bah.
Week of September 15
Let's see, Sunday morning Alex woke up and ate breakfast over here.
Kendall showed me a weight website so I decided to measure my weight and
find out where I stood. According to the website I was ideal weight, which
was 150 pounds. But I was 135 when Summer began. I really didn't like
those extra pounds so I went into a fit of anorexia and by Saturday I was
down to 145 at least. Friday night I went out with Alex and he told me to
eat so we went out and got food. It was good actually. I went to the mall
with Parker and I bought a really sexy red pleather jacket, some Sketchers
black shoes, a blue cross shirt though I'm agnostic (it's a pretty cross),
and some flavored lubes. Parker brought two chicks along who ran off after
seeing how I was dressed. It was amusing. They never came back. I'm
learning more about Cindy's relationships than I care to know. Ugh.
Week of September 22
I don't feel like I deserve to be in this family very much. I'm really not
doing them a lot of good. It's not a very happy feeling, to know that
you're the cause of your family wasting away in a pile of debt and
poverty. But enough about that... the social Friday night was fun. And we
kidnapped Chris beforehand since he's been down quite a bit. It was fun
and I think it did him some good for the time being. We watched some
bizarre movie with Christina Ricci where she steals her brothers
boyfriend. It was... interesting. Pretty good though. It was especially a
good night because Alex was romantically affectionate towards me during
the movie. Holding hands and such. Kendall was Kendall. The night was an
overall success. I don't feel any drama exploding.
Week of September 29
I feel an addiction starting. And I don't like it. It also seems that the
majority of school is fully aware that I dig men. Which I'm cool with. I
don't really care now. It's not like I don't flaunt it enough. Is that
bad? Although there are a few people who are too blind to see the obvious.
But that's their problem... and partially mine. Lately I've been having
bouts with myself over who I really am, because it occurred to me that I
become someone different around everyone. Around some people I feel
comfortable, at ease, like it doesn't matter what I wear or anything. Then
around other people I feel like I have to be completely up to date on all
fashion trends and hip things. Around others I feel like I have to be this
uber-punk type. And I think I'm most at ease when I'm in the comfortable
state, which is pretty duh. So I think that I should give all the other
alter me's a big screw you and fully immerse myself in the comfy Sean mode.
I can only hope it goes over well. Wish me luck. Have you ever felt like
maybe where once there was nothing in your life now there's too much? That
kinda what I've been feeling, because at the beginning of summer I had
nothing. Then I met Jazz and all was good. Then I met Alex, I hung out
with Alex, I started dating Alex, I fell in love with Alex. And around
Alex I'm comfy and at ease. 'Around' Jasiha I feel like an
overaffectionate faggot, and that perturbs me because every five seconds
there's some kind of physical remark and it just... it's too much of a
good thing. I went from having nothing to having Alex and Jasiha throw
emotions at me. Maybe that's not the right way to phrase it, but it needs
to get cut down some. In other news, I got my class ring. It's perty. |
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