reasons

Recently, I have been following a series of posts on the GPB written by Simon. Each is titled as one of the books, each addressing a particular facet of the Gorean philosophy. While reading his "Tribesman," I had one of those moments of clarity.

The lightbulb went on.

We Goreans are fond of saying that some people "get it" and some do not. To those who "do not get it," this can be frustrating. Be assured, it is frustrating to us as well. It is difficult to understand how what we see as such simple truths are so incomprehensible to others.

Why?

Choice.

Goreans in the books did not choose to be Gorean. That was determined at birth. However, We, as Tarl did, do have a choice. We choose to accept the Gorean philosophies as true for us. We choose to call ourselves Gorean.

I believe the difference between those who "get it" and those who do not, is *Why*

Why are you here? Why do you seek out Goreans? Why do you choose to call yourself Gorean?

I did not pop out of a box all Gorean. In fact, Five years ago, I'd never even heard the word. I'd lived with the knowledge that I am a submissive woman for years. That was taught to me at the very tender age of 17. However, something never quite fit. The D/s lifestyle is about choices. I never had an answer for "why do you choose to be submissive?" because I never viewed it as a choice. It is who I am, not what I do. I could no more choose to have green eyes instead of blue.

However, I could have gone on, living my life quite happily, having never heard the word "Gor," but there would also have been that niggling sense of not quite "fitting in." I just felt ... different.

Then, I met a man. A Gorean man. Like being caught in a gravitational pull, my response was immediate and profound. However, what I did not realize at that time, was that this "pull" I felt was not so much to him, but to Gor. The thrill of discovering a kindred spirit was overwhelming.

He brought me to Gor. At the time, I had never laid eyes on a Norman book, let alone read one. I came to Gor for him. To learn about him and why he struck such a chord in me.

And oh boy, did I screw up. I sashayed into Gor as this new Free Woman. Despite the lectures by many at the time that FW were Dommes, I was open about being submissive. Yet, I knew I was not slave. Capped my name had always been, and capped it would remain. I was a FREE Woman. (emphasis on the FREE)

As I did whatever the hell I pleased, I managed to establish myself as a collosal pain in the ass to most here. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.

It was the night I did a serve parody in the Dagger in robe and bunny slippers that was the capper. All in fun, huh? I was not prepared for his reaction, however.

He was deeply offended. I had made a mockery of what he believed in. I remember very clearly his words as he said, "You do not belong in Gor."

I was devastated. And ashamed. So, I left Gor.

I went to the D/s rooms. For two long weeks, I would log on for a time and sit there, only now, the niggling feeling of not fitting in had grown to a constant roar. And each day, he would find me and just sit with me. In silence.

I cannot begin to tell you what went through my mind during that time. I had never been so homesick in my life. I was forced to re-evaluate everything I knew and believed. After two weeks of almost constant tears and self-examination....

I snapped.

I told him, "This is not where I belong. I am Gorean. I am returning to Gor, whether you like it or not! Because among Goreans is where I belong!"

I held my breath. This was the first time I'd ever openly defied him, and I had witnessed his anger unleashed. It wasn't pretty.

Then..... he smiled.

Now, I was thoroughly confused until he said, "Return to Gor. Now you go for the right reason. Not for me, but for yourself."

*Dangrus smiles*

This was without a doubt, the single most valuable lesson I have learned. Once I returned to Gor for the *right* reason, I also began to learn. I began to read the books. I began to read and post on the GPB and other boards, asking the bazillion questions that raced through my head and writing about it each time *the lightbulb went on*. I began to understand that this is a viable and rewarding lifestyle and that there are others out there who view the world as I do. Many of whom use the internet as a way of communicating with each other. There is a whole world of Goreans outside of Yahoo.

That was my beginning.

I was reminded of this today as I read Simon's post titled "Tribesman."

If you have been told you just don't "get it," consider this question....

Why are you here?

If you are truly honest with yourself.... Answering that question, even if only to yourself.... may just help you "get it"..... or at least understand why you don't.