dependent

I recently responded to a slave on the GPB who was struggling with issues of dependence as she prepares to move across the country to her new owner. As she voiced her concerns, a man posted that she should "wait until" she was completely sure this was the right move.

This fear is not uncommon in submissive women (and often causes confusion in Dominant men) and since it has generated a truckload of traffic in my email, I thought I'd post it here.

~D.
***************
Oh Yurial,

A submissive woman is never "completely sure" at this pivotal moment. The collar is not the brass ring at the end of the road. The girl doesn't get a shiny new collar and skip merrily off into the sunset to live happily ever after. That's just not reality. Commitment is a logical thing to a man, made after serious consideration and with full confidence that it will be as he desires. To a woman, especially a submissive woman, it is an emotional, overwhelming, and in many instances terrifying realization to find that she has become dependent on another person. And to know that her future is dependent solely upon her ability to please that other person.

mierin,

Over the years, I've counseled more than a few girls who stood (or knelt) where you find yourself now. The one thing that most have in common is this fear. When we're courting, or in your case serving without being owned, we are on our best behavior. We can be sure to present only our finest.

Women grow up in a world of Vogue and Cosmopolitan and Martha Stewart where every woman is a superwoman. We're bombarded with the idea that we should be able to effortlessly hold down a full time job, keep a spotless home, work out 11 hours a day, prepare gourmet meals, and in our spare time, knit sweaters, braid rugs and refinish furniture, all while maintaining a perfect manicure.

How can a woman possibly measure up to that? These images only serve to make the rest of us feel woefully inadequate.

Where is Cosmo when we're stuck in a traffic jam in 90+ degrees on the one day our car's A/C decides to conk out and that artfully applied makeup slides off our face so that we arrive at work looking like a demented raccoon?

Where is Vogue when we feel four of those newly manicured nails rip off while trying unsuccessfully to keep from dropping that flimsy plastic grocery bag that the idiot at the store filled with bottles, cans and a dozen eggs?

And where is Martha when the cat pukes up something half-eaten on your new sofa just before guests are expected to arrive?

You know, mierin the night before my wedding, they had to hide my car keys. I was ready to bolt. I can laugh about it now, but I recall a tearful phone conversation where I blurted out every fault, every transgression, every flaw.

On the verge of committing myself to this man whom I adored, I panicked. How could I, a strong, independent woman have become so dependent on another person? I was overwhelmed with fear, not of him but of not measuring up to the perfect picture that I'd presented while we were dating. I was convinced that when he lived with me daily that he'd realize what a huge mistake he'd made. Rather than face that, I decided to take the bull by the horns and call it off.

So, I phoned him and through my tears said, "I'm spoiled and vain and tempermental. I'm clumsy and tend to trip over air. I eat crackers in bed, hate housework and I drool in my sleep! I drive over the speedlimit, spend way too much on clothes and books and I sing off-key (LOUD)"

He, (being a patient man) listened quietly while I listed the 50 gazillion reasons why he shouldn't want me.

Then, he, (being a man who does not sugar-coat things,) said "Woman, you are a collosal pain in the ass. However, you are MY pain in the ass. So get to bed and don't be late tomorrow."

Men have this amazing ability to make a decision and be completely confident, so sure that it is the right one.

We women, are not so sure.

Last week, we celebrated our 18th anniversary. I am still a collosal pain in the ass, and still his. He is still sure. I am
getting there.

Over the years, I have become more and more dependent on him. More and more vulnerable to him. And yet, in allowing myself to be that... I have found a deeper sense of self, a feeling of being centered that makes me stronger than I ever thought possible.

These things are much simpler for men, mierin. They make up their minds and they just know it is right.

This man wants you. Trust him to know what he wants.

Vulnerability does not make you weak mierin, it simply makes you ... female.

And that is a glorious thing to be.

Dependent Women

I wish you well,

Dangrus