| And we fell into it. On fire. Full of desire. I prefer there never to be a beginning or end. Things just come, things just happen, it may reach an order but eventually this will be lost and then it will degrade and disolve to nothing or maybe nothing is everything and it never stops and will never start. Rather than structure certain things just happen. Never a beginning, a happening, an end. It is a never ending cycle and birth and death/creation and decimation can be a start or conclusion. Even the nothing before the something was a something for it's nothing and in the silence of the nothing the silence was the sound and this is beautiful in itself. Comet/comment I could be rendered incapable but never was available to see everything but that could blind me and I'd prefer to be blind than to open my eyes and I'd prefer to lose my voice than to speak in a way which would compromise but compromise is my life. I am controlled (I realise this now) but am happy to be controlled as long as there is a direction I can never explain but I still feel whatever and whenever and my rage (personified?)betraying me but urging me to never sleep but rather never to come out of my shell or rather to live in denial or rather never to make anything of myself or rather just to live with my jealousy or rather to be a happy failure (If my failure can make me happy -I think it can as long as my controller can guide me and care for me and watch over me and believe in me and never influence me rather be me and merge personalities.) I looked at a singing baby and saw your face. It was not inspirational or disturbing rather I felt a sense of peace and tears welling in my eyes to think of you now and more importantly to think of the struggles you have been through or more importantly to think of your tortured soul and to wonder whether you ever sang like that (or were your songs always in a minor key? - I prefer to be atonal). I wouldn't like to think you are misguided or even broken just lost. Maybe I am the answer but I am shy I am timid. I will not approach just spy in the distance and think about what we could have been, creating the ideal you for the ideal me. Do you even think about me? To be trapped is a disorder and my chain has been broken and now my life is full of disorder. This can be said of anything and I do not like to think of myself in the mould but I cannot break out and you still control me. You never believe in me (or maybe you do and just don't communicate it). Are you my god as you control me? Can I serve two masters? To search for something new? To search for something new? Same paths. Scroll/end/blink in time and phase out of time and cyclically repeat eventually fulfilling the role to everything. No one is great as they do not think like me. Who cares of trivia (why are we here? What is the purpose? Life the universe and everything?)? when the world could be thinking like me (my infernal struggle. The complexities of crossrhythm and the knowledge that everything is music and nothing is ever listened to properly.) I fail myself but maybe I should live my thoughts and never live outside myself or maybe live outside myself but not in contact with others (denial). Create my own world where things are right and others are wrong (they are anyway). You would be there just in a slightly different form. The only thing I'd change is how attentive you are, how open you are, how much you want me(?). Maybe I would stop my life revolving round the thought of you. Maybe I don't want to. My soul is full of discord and dismay. (Act IV scene I). You are also distant but near, never open/never opening face to face - maybe after but the moment is either lost or electronic (I fear for both).All I need is a few words, a night in bed talking while getting more and more tired and fully trusting each other, feeling the warmth of each other/each other's company. Could just talk under the stars (obscured by a roof) for a whole night, never sleep, never touch, never kiss, just think and talk and communicate to resolve everything to take away barriers and begin to know each other. To talk of anything and want each other so badly. How will this situation arise? For now a short walk and a few questions (just to talk, no real distractions) will do. Just a way of prising your impenetrable gates (not iron gates). Just to survive. Maybe you are nothing. Maybe I built you a large throne and placed you upon it but got you wrong. This could be the case. If it is I feel disappointment (not resentment) but then you can crawl away and I will not mourn. I will miss the thought but nothing else. I know I am right though. You are special, you are the one, you are everything. I would see and perceive and the beauty of the total artwork would combine to a point of sheer perfection. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |