It's Thursday night, four days after my Carter family vacation and I'm lying on the couch when my cell phone rings,
"Hello?" I place the TV on mute,
"You trying to mark your territory?" My face does what it always does when his voice comes through my cell phone, it breaks out into a smile,
"Hey...what are you talking about?"
"You left your bathing suit at my house in the bathroom." I laugh, I remembered but not until I unpacked my suitcase,
"Yeah, I noticed that when I was unpacking. Don't let some chick wear my suit." He laughs,
"No girl I've dated has enough boobs for that top." I roll my eyes,
"Yeah, well stop dating girls and date a woman." Whoa, am I getting more comfortable with flirting with him?
"Yeah, yeah...so um...my mom likes you." My stomach screams for Pepto, Tums or something at the mention of Jane,
"Why do you say that? What did she say?" He laughs,
"She didn't say anything, no news is good news as they say." I nod as I see Willa Ford's video on the screen and press the mute button again and turn up the sound,
"Hey, it's your ex." I can hear him groan and I turn down the volume slightly,
"You two don't get along?" He sighs,
"I haven't talked to her in like almost two years?" I frown,
"She makes it seem like you guys are cool." He snorted,
"We ain't fighting so I guess we are cool." I bite the bullet and decide to go for it. The only thing he can say is he doesn't want to talk about it,
"Did you love her?" He sighs and I close my eyes and hold my breath,
"Yes..no...yes and no I guess." I open my eyes and speak tentatively,
"What do you mean?" I mute the TV and look at her as he tried to explain,
"When I was with her I did..I thought it was love you know? But after it was over I realized it wasn't love, you know what I mean?" I nod my head,
"You don't realize what you had wasn't love until you really DO fall in love...it's like you're able to compare."
"Yeah, exactly. I guess I've never been in love." I didn't know what to say,
"I mean, I cared about her a lot. I'm not saying I didn't feel nothing, if I didn't I wouldn't have stayed in it that long. She meant a lot to me. I guess I kept going back to her hoping it would get better and be like it was at first." I look over and see she has disappeared from the TV screen and has been replaced by another video,
"It wasn't bad at first. It was cool. I had a relationship like Kevin and AJ and Brian and that was cool to me. I was the little kid wanting to be like everyone else and I was because I had a girlfriend too. It was cool, she wasn't like what people said she was...not a first." I'm not sure if I'm expected to say something,
"I'm not going to say she wasn't a bitch...she was but it wasn't like...I don't know." I hear him sigh,
"Everyone had something to do with it...the group, the fans, my family, my friends even me. My family got mad at her..you know...they blamed her when I didn't live with them. It wasn't her fault, I mean I DID stay because of her but it was because I wanted to not because she made me, it was my choice but my mom couldn't see the difference. I did a lot of things against my family I shouldn't have but in the end it was my fault for doing it. The more people kept telling me she was bad for me the more I stayed with her. Its funny I think if people would have left me alone about her we would have been over way before we were." I can't believe I'm hearing this,
"My friends picked on her and I didn't stick up for her, the fans gave her a hard time I didn't stick up for her, I'll never let fans give my girlfriend a hard time like they did her. We fought because I couldn't admit I had a girlfriend. At first she took it, she tried to understand that the fans were jealous but it was just too much. She has too much attitude to let it go on and on and not fight back." I look over to see some weird heavy metal video on and turn the TV off,
"She just didn't handle it well. Instead of fighting back against the ones who gave her a hard time she would have attitude almost all the time...she did with the girls who were old enough or who she thought had a shot with me. I always come out looking like the punk...and I was sometimes but sometimes I was the bad guy...people think she's bad for saying things about me since her career took off but it's nothing compared to everything she knows about me...and the things I did to her. I cheated on her, I would kick her out all the time, I said awful things to her just like she said to me and I hit her too...a couple of times." My breath caught in my throat, why in the hell is he telling me this,
"The thing on some website about her hitting you?" There was more silence than there had been the entire time we have been on the phone and I remain silent,
"That was all true. I didn't plan on getting back with her...and I looked like a real fucking idiot going back to her after what I said on that site. Talk about looking like a punk." He laughed wryly,
"I did that because...if she worked at the mall or went to college, I never would have done that you know? But she was going to be a singer and I knew how our fans are and I knew it would be bad publicity for her. I pretty much fucked her career before it started. If all the stuff about our relationship hadn't come out, if I defended her instead of her looking like the mean bitch....maybe she would have had a shot." I wish he was here or I was there, wherever he was so I could hold him,
"So the fan stories about her...?" He laughs,
"A lot of that shit was made up I'm sure. I know a lot of the stuff they said happened between me and her was bullshit but I'm sure some of that stuff did happen." There was silence again,
"Hey you still there?" I clear my throat but it doesn't help and I squeak,
"Uh yeah." He laughs,
"Don't get me wrong....she's still a BITCH." I laugh lightly,
"But I just know it wasn't all her, other stuff had something to do with it too." I nod and ask softly,
"Why...why did you tell me all that? I mean, you don't have to worry I won't say anything to anyone. I promise." He sighs,
"You gotta trust someone right? I dunno, I trust you." The smile that put on my face could light up the cty of Chicago,
"Thanks."
Home
Mixed Feelings
Chapter 52